My friend who now lives in Brisbane has been home for a month, and hasn't made time to see me. I can't help feeling a bit upset. 🤔

[Winterysun]

For context, we're both 50, and been friends since primary school. She emigrated to Australia over 10 years ago, and was last here 5 years ago, (we met up several times then).

This time, she arrived in December to a very difficult family situation, which she wasn't aware of until she arrived. Due to this her family have taken priority on this visit, which I ABSOLUTELY understand.

However, I only live 20 minutes drive away from where she's staying with her mum & sister (we both have transport). I've set aside time for us to meet up and none of these days have worked out for her, even for just a quick coffee. The dates she's suggested, she's cancelled last minute.

I wouldn't have been upset, (as appreciate her family situation is immensely difficult), but then found out during her last week here (she travels back to Australia tomorrow), she did a 3 hour drive each way to London, stayed 2 or 3 days and met up with other friends & family.

She texted the other day, apologising that she now has no spare time before flying back tomorrow, and hopes we can get together next time. She's hoping that will be later this year, rather than another 5, but it's clear to me that with the little time she did have (outside her family situation) she prioritised these London friends over me, despite messaging me in the weeks leading up to her coming, asking me to set outside time/ideas of events to go to together, etc.

I also only live about 10 minutes away from the motorway she'd have been on, to start her journey to London, but she didn't even suggest calling in en route (there or back).

This time tomorrow she'll be on the plane, travelling 10,000+ miles back home. For the last 4 weeks we've only been about 8 miles away from each other, and not even seen each other for a quick drink. Would you be upset, too?

Not being able to fit somebody in is one thing, and understandable. Repeatedly hogging their time via planned meetups and then standing them up at the last minute is abominable rude and inconsiderate.

Tbf you're tying yourself in knots with imagined scenarios.

Yeah I’d be annoyed

but we have several friends who live abroad and come back very occasionally and never seem to find the time to see us when they are here
they expect us to go and see them if we want quality time with them
they’re clearly just not that into us anymore

There’s a reason why most of us who live away refer to “visits” home and not “holidays”. It’s bloody hard work and you often return home more tired than when you left. The competing demands on your time (and well meant as they are, do feel like demands sometimes) can be very stressful to manage.

It might surprise people but if you’re burned out on a visit it can be easier to just stick to big plans on autopilot and let looser plans fall by the wayside. It makes no sense but it’s what invariably happens to me. And then I go home feeling worse for it. When I visit the equivalent of London on a trip home I end up seeing a friend a distance away, equivalent to Birmingham, more often than family round the corner simply because the ‘bigger’ plan is firmer and feels more effort to change than just to do.

I’d cut your friend some slack. As much as you tried to work around her (and I’m sure she appreciates that) until you actually speak to her you don’t know what was really going on.

This is exactly what I would have suggested is the reason.

Every time I visit home I disappoint people. It should be relaxing to visit your home town but it’s so much stress trying tk fit everyone and everything in when you live abroad.
but yes I’d be disappointed too.

I totally agree with this, and to go a bit further: on my visits home I have absolutely sometimes not seen my best friend in lieu of seeing family. I would 100% prefer to spend the time with my best friend, but I know certain family members will sulk and make a meal out of me not seeing them. So as annoying as it is, I see them (and don't particularly enjoy it) for the greater good of family politics and hope my bestie understands - which I believe she does when we have spoken about it before!

Yep I agree, so so hard especially if there has been a family problem
Definitely not a holiday almost a chore and you can never please everybody x

This is what all the people saying how pressured a trip home is seem to be missing from the OP.

Thank you all, yes it was the various suggestions of days from her that didn't happen. I absolutely understand the family situation taking priority, but she did manage to see other people further away. Yes, it could be that the long-distance visit was 'set in stone', and she thought a coffee catch-up with me could happen at short-notice, which obviously didn't!

The poster earlier in the thread who said I was a martyr rearranging my appointment, I should have added I didn't free up the WHOLE day for her. I finish work at 1 pm and the appointment was at 3.30, which wouldn't have given much time and I'd have been clock-watching, or suggest the evening which wouldn't have been possible for her.

I just freed up the time I could that day. Still, lesson learnt! Thank you, Wristcandy and others. 🙂

Op it’s very likely just like she had booked you in that she had booked other people in and would have had to cancel them to see you. You say you were due to see her but she ended up having a family prob in those dates. But yes, if she could not find time to see you in the end unfort it is clear she likes you but not more than the other people she could have cancelled to see you.

People change and move on with time sadly. I can understand why it would be upsetting though to be forgotten about.

I'm on the don't take this personally team.
It is very hard travelling over. Have to fit everyone in including people and places you don't really want to see. Have to be smiley when you just want a comfy bed.
And your friend has other family issues on that are probably distressingly.

I live overseas and do make efforts to see everyone as much as I can when I go back to the UK. If someone lived 20 minutes away, it would be strange if I didn't see them, and that includes if there is a tricky family situation at home. When you choose to live overseas, you need to invest a little time in maintaining these home-country friendships, and that sometimes means being organized, getting up earlier to fit things in or whatever. If you don't, friendships start to die off. The lady has had a whole month? It does sound like she can't be bothered; I would be upset in the OP's situation.

Thank you, yes I live so close to where she was it's ridiculous! Especially as I didn't expect her to come my way, I made it clear I was happy to visit her, or if not convenient at the house, meet in our nearest town for coffee/quick lunch.

With hindsight, I agree that she may have suggested seeing other people on the same days she suggested seeing me, on those few free days she had.

Maybe thinking if those people weren't free/didn't respond she'd have her loyal friend Winterysun as back-up plan. However, they did respond and she thought 'Oh I'll just cancel Winterysun, we've been friends for so long she won't mind'!

Hmm, there's definitely a pattern here. I also have a friend in the next road, who instigates catch-ups with me but often cancels. Once when she cancelled I bumped into her a few days later. She said 'Oh I felt bad about Saturday, but then figured I'd bump into you soon anyway, and guess what I have'!!

Time to rethink my loyalties I feel! I don't take people for granted, but others seem to.

one of the things I've come to realise over time is that other friends don't always consider us as close to them as we consider them to us. I'd previously always assumed that friendships are reciprocated in the same way, but they're very often not.

Very true, Ralpix, and it's people we consider as close friends who can suddenly show a sudden indifference that's so hurtful!

Tbh since my late-forties I've felt closer to those I see in the book-club and yoga class I belong to, and work colleagues. They're always there, and if any us plan to meet outside the group they never cancel!

For a while I saw them more as 'acquaintances', but they"ve moved more into the friends category recently, and I'm so pleased I got to know them!

Longterm friends seem to be turning more into acquaintances which is a shame, but maybe they're not the same people now.

I would go cool on someone that did this to me.

I've found some friends are just there for a chapter of our lives, not the whole book. But, with a new Chapter, come new friends 🧡

Not quite the same as you. My BF emigrated. We saw her every time she came back, there had been some family issues so we used to pick her up from the airport, ferry her about, feed her, get her to stay over.
She then got remarried and was coming over for 2 weeks, to stay with us before moving on abroad for a holiday.
She stood us up completely. 10 days after she had meant to turn up she called, was very rude and kept going on about how busy she was. Told me she was going to see someone she disliked for a whole day. The only time she could come see us was the time we couldn’t accommodate it. Never saw her again.

I still don’t understand what happened. She was pissed I didn’t go to her wedding (I was 8 months pregnant). In hindsight it all might have to do with new husband. The only time I directly heard from her again is when she wanted us to meet her abroad and pay for their accommodation.

15 years later I’m still annoyed I lost my BF. We would have gone to see her at some point but her emigrating coincided with me having babies.

Its always upsetting when people don't want to engage with us as much as we want them to. Because whatever excuses people come up with, it's fairly obvious that your friend could have spared you some time if seeing you was sufficiently important to her. She didn't, which means you now need to review where you fit in her order of priority/affections. That's not the end of the world, you can still be friends if you want to and are prepared to accept a lower place in her life than you thought you had.