My friend who now lives in Brisbane has been home for a month, and hasn't made time to see me. I can't help feeling a bit upset. 🤔

[Winterysun]

For context, we're both 50, and been friends since primary school. She emigrated to Australia over 10 years ago, and was last here 5 years ago, (we met up several times then).

This time, she arrived in December to a very difficult family situation, which she wasn't aware of until she arrived. Due to this her family have taken priority on this visit, which I ABSOLUTELY understand.

However, I only live 20 minutes drive away from where she's staying with her mum & sister (we both have transport). I've set aside time for us to meet up and none of these days have worked out for her, even for just a quick coffee. The dates she's suggested, she's cancelled last minute.

I wouldn't have been upset, (as appreciate her family situation is immensely difficult), but then found out during her last week here (she travels back to Australia tomorrow), she did a 3 hour drive each way to London, stayed 2 or 3 days and met up with other friends & family.

She texted the other day, apologising that she now has no spare time before flying back tomorrow, and hopes we can get together next time. She's hoping that will be later this year, rather than another 5, but it's clear to me that with the little time she did have (outside her family situation) she prioritised these London friends over me, despite messaging me in the weeks leading up to her coming, asking me to set outside time/ideas of events to go to together, etc.

I also only live about 10 minutes away from the motorway she'd have been on, to start her journey to London, but she didn't even suggest calling in en route (there or back).

This time tomorrow she'll be on the plane, travelling 10,000+ miles back home. For the last 4 weeks we've only been about 8 miles away from each other, and not even seen each other for a quick drink. Would you be upset, too?

This.

She’s just not that into you 😕

"She emigrated to Australia over 10 years ago, and was last here 5 years ago, (we met up several times then)"

Did she see the London friends "several times" on that last visit? Or did you take priority that time?

It could be that she didn't get chance to see them last trip so prioritised them this time - or that she really needed a few days break from everything going on with her family and got it with a visit to them but that used all the time she could spare.

Don't assume it's about you.

I'm going to offer an alternative view. You said she walked into a complex family situation which took a lot of her time. I would imagine it took up a lot of her emotional and mental energy too. As a good friend you would have wanted to support her and any meetings between you would have naturally veered towards discussing the situation, intentionally or otherwise. Maybe she wanted a complete and utter emotional and mental break from it all which is why she went to London where she could distract herself better. Busy city, different friends, family members not entwined with it all, just a letting her hair down moment.

She will have done that knowing that the good and supportive friend would understand her need to "escape". Then time ran out. I think it's not that she prioritised different friends but that she prioritised her own mental health.

As someone who lives overseas and only gets short visits home .... it is very difficult to fit in seeing everyone and of course get over the jet lag, spend time with family, go marmite shopping (😁) etc. I know it shouldn't be an issue as you're close by but it's one of those things I'm often guilty of.
Because a friend is nearby there is this idea that it'll be easy to fit them in and so you make arrangements to see the people further away .... with the idea that you'll see x (close by friend) the following day or whenever....
Then....things just get in the way until its the day you're packing. Then it becomes 'when I finish packing I'll go round'....but packing takes longer than expected and then its too late.
It really isn't about your friendship.....

As someone who lives overseas and only gets short visits home .... it is very difficult to fit in seeing everyone and of course get over the jet lag, spend time with family, go marmite shopping (😁) etc.

Yes, the flight from Australia to Britain is bloody exhausting - I did it three times in my thirties and forties. I can't imagine coping with it now I'm sixty.

OP, of course you are upset. That's a hurtful situation.

I think @katscamel has it likely spot on - she fully intended seeing you as you were close by & it seemed like there would definitely be a time - and then there wasn't.

I also realise, how busy it is for people returning home from abroad, having experienced that with friends - and sometimes they forget that daily life & priorities are still going on for those of us here, we're not on holidays & can't meet at any time without some planning.

Given she'll likely be back reasonably soon, and has a difficult situation going on, I'd try to move past this, and not let it affect your contact with her.

I would be hurt in your shoes too. But I was going to say the same as everyone else - the London trip was a chance to get away from the family situation with a good excuse - visiting other family. It might have been harder for her to get an hour or so away from the local family. Plus, I've made the mistake of trying to fit in a quick social catch-up when I'm stressed about something and it's never enjoyable. You spend the time worrying about whatever you've left behind and not really listening to the other person.

Given she was messaging you in advance, when she didn't know about the family situation, it sounds like she genuinely wanted to catch up but whatever was going on intervened. If she is coming back later in the year then she probably thought she would be in a better mental state to catch up.

The appointment is annoying but I would reframe it mentally as you being a good friend. You kept yourself as available as possible and unfortunately she couldn't catch up but you did everything you could on your end without adding to her stress.

Friendships move on, and the reality is that you both have different lives now.

I’m not one who believes in ending friendships, but I would take a step back, and it will likely fizzle out over time not least because you’re just not the same people any more.
i think it’s one thing not being able to catch up, that’s understandable. It’s quite another to arrange meet-ups, not answer texts, stand someone up, and constantly cancel. If she wanted to see you she would have.
nobody is wrong, you’re just different people now, and the friendship as was has reached its natural end.

I’ve lived overseas and dh is from another country. Visiting people is exhausting. The thing I appreciated was people coming to see us. It meant they valued us and didn’t just expect to see us at their convenience.

the fact she drove all that way to prioritize OTHER friends for 2 to 3 days

....and family. You said "other friends & family", now you've decided it was just friends. You say you "ABSOLUTELY understand" her "immensely difficult family situation", but I get the impression that "ABSOLUTELY understand" is something of an exaggeration...

I live overseas and for the last few years I have stopped telling a lot of people that I am going to UK for a visit and I don't post on FB.
It's too much, everyone wants a piece of me and all I want to do is see my Dad every day, see my closest family, shop for things I can't get here and rest.

Perhaps she realised that she had planned too much in and sadly she just didn't have time.

Last time I was in UK I took my Mum with me, I begged her not to tell all and sundry that we were going as it would mean having to see them. Of course she told them.
Then while I was at a hospital appointment with my Dad I bumped into another couple of her friends, so we had to see them too.

Also, people are not satisfied with one visit, they want another or a drink, meal out, shopping trip etc.
It's exhausting.

I can see how that would be hurtful - but to give you some perspective I did similar recently. Arrived in Oz from the uk to a very difficult situation including it being obvious my mother has dementia. I forwent friends time to spend more time with family, especially my mother but also my elderly aunt in her 80s. My hubby ended up with long covid complications so he spent several days in hospital which shortened our two week trip even further. I had a friend of 30 odd years I had intended to see but as my leaving date drew closer I panicked and just felt I needed to do family stuff. Thankfully my friend has forgiven me but realistically with the situation distance we see each other rarely. The friends your friend saw in London might have been because they were convenient to her family visits or honestly might be that she feels closer to them.
It doesn’t mean that your friend doesn’t value your friendship - she contacted you before she came. But try thinking of this from another perspective - if you consider your list of family and friends how far up or how far down is this friend on your list? I mean if you lived in another country and came back for a visit are there other friends you would see first over her? For you, a month in your normal routine is long - for her fitting in family and friends and remembering this likely includes Christmas and new year it could be a lot - that combined with her family troubles.
i think that sure it’s natural you feel hurt - maybe you are not as good a friend to her as you think she is. But I would give her another chance - if you do meet up again she might tell you in more detail why her trip did not go to plan. If she never contacts you again there is your answer.

But op said that it was the friend driving the idea of meeting up, wanting the op to have time free etc. even arranging dates and then either cancelling at the last minute or ignoring the OP’s texts.

If she didn’t want to see the OP she could have just said she wouldn’t have time this time, but to arrange meet-ups and constantly cancel, if this was someone who was in the UK people would be advising the OP to step back from the friendship.
Nobody needs to be ending friendships, It doesn’t need to be a falling out or anything like that, but the evidence is clear. The friend isn’t invested in this friendship any more.

It might not even be personal. It may just be that she’s come back to the UK and realised just how much her life is now in a different place and her UK friends just aren’t the same any more.

This, plus many other reasons she may have kept the commitment with other friends such as pre-booked tickets/accommodation, a friend having a life event, being able to tick off several things in one visit, or feeling pressured.

Try not to be too upset, she clearly wanted to see you but it didn't work out.

Sometimes our closest friends are the easiest to let down because we trust them to understand and forgive and to still be there.

It is fine to be hurt but given the additional issues on this visit try not to let it impact your friendship.

This

I can see your point of view, especially as you have been friends for so many years. As you were so nearby I cannot see any reason why she couldn't have given you an hour or so of her time. I would have gone to any lengths to catch up with my friend who I have known for a similar length of time.

I think she has shown how low down her list of priorities you are, and would back off on the friendship.

You said she saw friends & family in London. Could it be that she was going primarily to see family and saw friends along the way? Or just needed to get away from the area you were both in as it’s been too stressful? or maybe she has felt pulled in a million directions and as you’re such a old friend she felt you’d be most understanding if she didn’t see you especially if she’ll see you later this year.

Would you not be giving her the benefit of the doubt if she’s a lifelong friend? That she would’ve seen you if she could but she really didn’t feel able?
I would tell her you were really disappointed, but I’d try to be a little more empathetic about the situation she was in and let it go.

I wouldn't fixate on the London thing as a reflection on your place in a pecking order. Assuming London is some distance away and she was seeing family as well as friends, 2-3 days is not a long visit and nothing to get worked up about in an "OTHER" friends way. It may have indeed been an escape/release valve trip from the home situation or it could've been another rush around trying to fit everything in. The fact it included family visits takes priority over a local coffee and catch up, and stopping off at yours en route could well have been one thing too many.

It's understandable to feel upset at not seeing an old friend, but in the situation you describe I would totally cut her some slack and see it that she thinks your friendship is strong enough not to have needed tending to it this situation where she was spread so thin. She clearly hopes to see you next time instead so wait and see if that happens but don't build hopes up or cancel important things for it. She lives on the other side of the world so even if you still are good friends in theory, of course your day to day lives will take priority.

I can understand why you're upset. Of course her family was her priority but to not find even half an hour in a month? I get she wasn't expecting the family situation and it's hard to fit visits with everyone in but I'd be hurt too.

Your feelings are valid OP.

She must've been thrown by the unexpected family issue.

See how the next visit goes. It sounds as if she did want to catch up with you but things ran away from her. Maybe there were pre-booked events in London that couldn't be changed. Maybe she just needed time away from the family situation.

When she visits again don't rearrange important appointments but do offer her some time.

You did everything you could and it didn't work out this time. Hopefully it'll be better on her next visit.

Well, social media likes and text messages are easy, aren't they? Making the effort for face to face contact is where you find out someone's priorities.

It's upsetting, but actions speak louder than words.

Try not to take it personally. Try not to mind.

I'm annoyed with myself too, as I postponed an important appointment which was due to be on the last possible day she said she could meet me. I thought it best to keep that day completely clear for her, only for her not to respond to my text that morning, and not at all until the evening, apologising for not letting me know and saying there was no more time!

Yeah that's all on you.

I don't think she wanted to meet up with you so I wouldn't bother with her in future.

Let her do the running. Don't cave in and text first . Now and then I do this with friends, don't contact and sit back and see if they reach out . If they don't bother then that's my answer .

I don’t think anyone is in the wrong here, it’s just one of those things. You might feel that you’re not a priority for your friend. The truth is, you’re not her priority, you mention her personal circumstances. So it is your choice whether you want to be offended by this, or whether you think any differently of your friend now. For what it’s worth, I don’t think she intentionally gave you the cold shoulder. It seems like she doesn’t have the headspace or energy to commit to other things. She might want some space.

to you, it’s a 30 minute catch up, hug, supportive chat. To her it’s daunting cause it’s another thing to “show up” for when mentally she might not be coping as well as you think. She might feel she needs to explain herself. She seems like she cares about you as she’s been checking in over text. She might be tired from travelling. Something in London might have taken her mind off things.

i think you’ll tie yourself in knots and agonise yourself if you overthink this. I think you should try to let it go. What good will come of you assessing whether she gave other people priority over you or not?