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Original poster

Would you let your child refuse to do things?

72 replies

whatwouldyadoooo · 08/01/2024 19:22

This is all a bit alien to me, as my kids (8 and 6) have never really refused to do something. They've moaned and whinged but I've always stuck to my guns and forced them to do something if I think it's in their best interest.
My 6 year old son has a best friend. His best friend refuses to do things he doesn't feel like doing and it's started to rub off on my son.
Examples - he refuses to do swimming lessons. They took him once, he kicked off and refused to get in so they told him he didn't need to do it (despite paying for the term his feet didn't touch the water)
We've had the boys booked into holiday clubs before and when we've got there DS best friend has refused to go in as he'd rather stay home on his PlayStation. His dad then needed to take the day off work.
He refuses to go to bed, so stays up until he falls asleep on the sofa and then gets carried to bed.
Am I being harsh making my kids do things they don't want to do.
DS friends parents say they shouldn't be made to do things they clearly don't want to do.
But my child needs to learn to swim, that's non negotiable. He needs to go to holiday club so I can work. He needs to go to bed so he can rest.
Note that DS friend is rugby and gaming mad so if the activity involves that he's there like a shot.
Now my DS is asking why he has to do things he doesn't want to do (like swimming lesson)
How do I explain it to him?

OP posts:
cansu · 08/01/2024 19:26

Of course you are right. Parents who cannot be firm with their children are storing up problems fir the future and will potentially have a child who experiences difficulties at school. I would simply say that we all sometimes do things we would rather not because they are important things to learn or do. You can explain swimming very easily as both safety and a useful physical skill to have and enjoy.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 08/01/2024 19:27

You tell him that his friend's parents may think it's ok for their son and that's fine. But you are his parent and you expect him to do XYZ, that be will enjoy it and make lots of friends and you stick to your guns.

I would say if he absolutely detests doing something then I wouldn't force but if he's just resisting because of his friend id put my foot down.

GaroTheMushroom · 08/01/2024 19:27

I was told I was abusive for making my kids go to watch a fireworks display they aren’t scared of fireworks they would just rather stay at home on devices but making them go out was apparently abuse so I never know what is right or wrong 😂 though saying that my son started a football club and didn’t like it so didn’t go back he didn’t need to be there so I wouldn’t force him to go if he didn’t want to

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Rosiiee · 08/01/2024 19:27

My DS is starting to also have more of an opinion on what he wants/doesn’t want to do. I still tell him he has to do them- ranges from eating his broccoli to going to rugby on Sundays. I just let him argue his point and then I conclude with ‘because I told you to and mums decide’. Yesterday he came back with ‘no mums don’t decide, grandparents decide’.

Idk… I don’t feel bad forcing him to do things. If I didn’t force him he’d do nothing 🤷🏻‍♀️

sprigatito · 08/01/2024 19:28

There's a happy medium, I think. I did insist on things like swimming lessons and bikeability that were necessary for their safety, and there were times when childcare was just not negotiable.

I don't agree with many parents on MN who force reluctant children to persevere with optional activities they have lost interest in such as ballet or flute lessons, because they have been paid for, or because the parent can't let go of the idea of their child doing that activity, or to prove a point about "making a commitment". I see no merit in marring the short childhood years by forcing them to do things they hate; they get plenty of that at school.

Couchpotato3 · 08/01/2024 19:30

DS friend's parenting style is clearly very different to your own. I wouldn't entertain detailed discussions about this or you could find yourself having to negotiate over ever little detail. Probably best to breeze along with 'yes, so-and-so's Mummy and Daddy do things a little differently to us, but in our house we do it this way....' and move swiftly on to other topics. Don't allow someone else's inadequate parenting to knock your confidence or undermine your perfectly reasonable stance. Perhaps a little gentle encouragement to cultivate other friendships is in order?

3teens2cats · 08/01/2024 19:30

Depends on why you feel they must do whatever it is. Children deserve a level of choice over how they spend their free time unless there are good reasons why a certain thing must happen. Childcare so the adult can work is non negotiable but an activity that the adult just thinks will be good for them, no, I would listen to the child. Swimming lessons is a tough one because I can see why some families say it's essential but for many others it's not a big deal. Yes it's very frustrating when money has been spent but why make everyone miserable.

Beezknees · 08/01/2024 19:31

Swimming was non negotiable for me too. I just explained to DS that it was an important life skill. And then told him that we all have to do things we don't like to do and he'd have to put up with it. 😂

At the end of the day, I'm the parent and I set the rules. That's that.

Desecratedcoconut · 08/01/2024 19:31

No, not really. Some things have to get done and that's not negotiable and other stuff is neither here nor there and we can sack them off. And at no point am I thinking about how my saying no might be pissing off some friend's dm.

Dacadactyl · 08/01/2024 19:31

You are 100% right.

Stick to your guns and tell DS you know what's best for him. End of story.

Original poster
whatwouldyadoooo · 08/01/2024 19:32

Don't get me wrong, I'm not that harsh. He didn't enjoy martial arts, but I made him finish the term that I'd paid for (an extra 4 session) and then he quit.
He went to a holiday club and whinged he was bored - so the next holidays I put him in a different activity.
But I'm his parent, and I know best!!! And we all have to do things in life we aren't particularly keen on.

OP posts:
willingtolearn · 08/01/2024 19:32

I've always told mine that there are some things you choose to do and some things you have to do in life.

It's true for adults and children.

I tend to point out the various things I have to do that I don't want to and sort of empathise that I understand they don't want to do it, but it's still happening.

I have a variety of probably irritating phrases to use - 'get it over with, sooner started, sooner finished, grit your teeth and get on with it and suck it up buttercup' sort of thing.

GenXisthebest · 08/01/2024 19:32

YANBU and it's perfectly okay to have a different parenting style to your DC's friend's parents.

MyVIsForVendetta · 08/01/2024 19:32

🙄

Im sure there’s more to it.

I have a child like your darling children and a child like your “friends” child.

Every kid is different. Some are significantly harder than others.

Needtogrowsproutsfordecember · 08/01/2024 19:34

Ds 9 regularly gets told when he is older he gets to decide things. Until then it's do as you are told..

ironorchids · 08/01/2024 19:34

If he won't physically get in the water when you take him swimming then no you can't physically force him to move his arms and start swimming.

But your DS's best friend is missing the step after that where there shouldn't be a chance he'd then get PlayStation access afterwards!

You can't force kids to do a lot of things that require their physical effort to do them, like swimming. But you can sure as hell take away the other things they enjoy until they comply.

TeddyBeans · 08/01/2024 19:35

My 5yo has picked up on things like this. Like I won't let him climb on the railings beside disability door ramps because I've seen children fall off them and whack their heads, he sees other kids doing it and asks why he can't. I tell him their mummy tells them what they can and can't do, I'm telling you that you can't do it. He generally accepts it. I agree with you though, swimming is a non negotiable

PuttingDownRoots · 08/01/2024 19:35

Swimming is complex as there can be genuine fear, and pushing them to do it can make it worse.

Going to childcare, bed etc is different... it is necessary.

If they are genuinely frightened or dislike an activity we don't force DDs to do it.

TheHeadOfTheHouse · 08/01/2024 19:37

Ds has SEN and gets very worked up about doing things he doesn’t like doing.

its very difficult to get him to do extra curricular activities or even days out.

he has to do the basics which is go to school, get dressed, shower, teeth etc.

but the rest I just leave him if he doesn’t want to do stuff.

if there was no other option (I had to go to work so he had to go to a holiday club) then he would have to go whether he liked it or not.

Original poster
whatwouldyadoooo · 08/01/2024 19:37

I guess my kids are easy. They're generally pretty chill. Sometimes they'll cry if they don't want to do something - eg if we need to walk the dog and they're playing Mario kart!
But they know that as much as they kick off and scream and cry I'm not backing down!!
I'll try and explain to him that different parents do things differently and I do what I thinks best for him.
But I've had comments like "I can't believe you sent him to holiday club all week when he said he had no friends and he was bored"
I'd paid for the whole week and I needed to work!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
whatwouldyadoooo · 08/01/2024 19:39

A few days being bored at holiday club isn't the end of the world. I'm in the camp of suck it up buttercup and I'll book you something different next time.

OP posts:
Desecratedcoconut · 08/01/2024 19:39

For me, swimming lessons are important. But it's fucking boring to have every visit to the pool be a lesson. Sometimes they just want visit it with friends in tow or go to the pool with the wave pool. Sometimes in the depths of winter they might rather take a break and restart another set of sessions in spring. I'm amenable to all those suggestions. The long term goal is to be a competent swimmer and for them not to hate it when they are teens.

IncompleteSenten · 08/01/2024 19:42

Depends on the thing.

As the parent you have to make decisions for them but they also have to have some things they feel in control of.

Non negotiables for me were mainly safety things.

Coshei · 08/01/2024 19:42

I drastically reduced contact with friends whose child is allowed to rule the household as it was having an effect on my own child. Basically parenting where the “no” didn’t exist and my daughter was questioning why she had to do things/ wasn’t allowed to do things (we are talking about playing in the kitchen and dragging stuff out of cupboards, incl. cleaning utensils).

Likewise some things are non negotiable and she has to do them though I admit one is entirely driven by me. I don’t think you do your child any favours by letting them dictate or rule.

Alloftheskies · 08/01/2024 19:43

I force my children to do things which are essential to their safety.. and I'd include swimming lessons in that. I also insist they finish up the term on any club they have asked to join. If I've paid for it then they are seeing it out. They can drop out if they still don't like it at the end of that term or year.
Imo if something is booked then it's booked. I would never in a million years take a day off work because my child decided they didn't feel like doing whatever it was they had previously agreed to do. Obviously I would if they were ill or genuinely seemed terrified. But just because they changed their mind or wanted to do something else.. no absolutely not.
I don't consider myself to be particularly strict. But the world can't revolve around the whims of a child. Its not even good for them for it to do so. They need to understand about responsibility and being reliable and not just giving up on things at a slight change in mood.

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