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Original poster

Would you let your child refuse to do things?

72 replies

whatwouldyadoooo · 08/01/2024 19:22

This is all a bit alien to me, as my kids (8 and 6) have never really refused to do something. They've moaned and whinged but I've always stuck to my guns and forced them to do something if I think it's in their best interest.
My 6 year old son has a best friend. His best friend refuses to do things he doesn't feel like doing and it's started to rub off on my son.
Examples - he refuses to do swimming lessons. They took him once, he kicked off and refused to get in so they told him he didn't need to do it (despite paying for the term his feet didn't touch the water)
We've had the boys booked into holiday clubs before and when we've got there DS best friend has refused to go in as he'd rather stay home on his PlayStation. His dad then needed to take the day off work.
He refuses to go to bed, so stays up until he falls asleep on the sofa and then gets carried to bed.
Am I being harsh making my kids do things they don't want to do.
DS friends parents say they shouldn't be made to do things they clearly don't want to do.
But my child needs to learn to swim, that's non negotiable. He needs to go to holiday club so I can work. He needs to go to bed so he can rest.
Note that DS friend is rugby and gaming mad so if the activity involves that he's there like a shot.
Now my DS is asking why he has to do things he doesn't want to do (like swimming lesson)
How do I explain it to him?

OP posts:

Ponderingwindow · 08/01/2024 23:03

you may also not have the whole picture. There are moments that people think we are being incredibly permissive parents. What they don’t know is that our child has ASD. They see me not making a scene in public and letting my child have a dessert for dinner. They aren’t privy to the countless hours we have spent working on food issues, the trips to specialists, the conversations with doctors, and the fact that my child ate a healthy meal before we arrived because we knew that she wouldn’t be able to eat anything on the menu. At an activity, they might see us just leave, but what they don’t notice is that I could tell the difference between simple reluctance and full-blown terror and that we went out to the car and used our CBT techniques to calm down.

Ponderingwindow · 08/01/2024 23:10

Just wanted to add, that child I was permissive with is now a teenager and she isn’t a spoiled monster. I can have a rational conversation with her about things we need her to do that she won’t love doing and she will just do them. She knows if something is truly beyond her limits she can speak up and we will respect her needs. I think if we had forced her we would not have a teenager who is willing to push herself as much as she does today because we wouldn’t have built that mutual trust.

Pekoe78 · 08/01/2024 23:13

Just to give the other side of it, we have a daughter who is diagnosed autistic and we suspect has pda although I know it’s not yet officially diagnosed. This means that any demand, however big or small, sends her nervous system into overdrive and she will get extremely stressed. We’ve had to completely adjust how we parent to create a low demand environment and make her feel she has autonomy. Forcing her to take part in something she doesn’t want to do would be pointless and create an extremely stressful situation. To outsiders this probably looks like a spoilt child ruling the roost and years ago I would say the same but I’ve been on a steep learning curve regarding neurodivergence and have learned not to judge other parents too quickly. You truly do not know what people are dealing with.

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New2024 · 08/01/2024 23:15

There’s a balance, swimming is important. We watched the class before our class from the viewing gallery. In 6-8 week a very scared young boy learnt to jump in at the beginning and make real progress. Our own DC was in a swimming class for kids with difficulties. Hip surgery recovery, inspirational teaching, now a surf ready late teen. We had a few weeks when he didn’t really want to go, a couple of times I allowed it, empathised, but we got there and made progress.

You can’t let them be too bossy, but you do need to make sure it’s not just petulance.

mollyfolk · 08/01/2024 23:19

I’d be somewhere in the middle - sometimes things need to be done, no I wouldn’t take a day off work instead of the first day of holiday club but I would try and take the last day off work and bring them somewhere fun to soften the blow. I’d encourage swimming & looking at the class but I couldn’t see myself forcing a crying child into the water, I’d look into private lessons or take them myself.

it’s very hard to judge when you aren’t the parent. The “baby” in our house has a will of iron. It’s exceptionally difficult to persuade her to do things she doesn’t want to do. If I said to her your going in and that’s the end of it, it just wouldn’t wash with her. But I have my own ways to motivate her and give her boundaries. There could be a lot going on behind the scenes that you don’t see.

YourInGoodCompany · 08/01/2024 23:23

The best thing to do is parent your own kids the way you see fit, and allow others to do the same. Don't judge because you never know the full story.
Parents are quite good for taking credit when they have naturally easy going compliant children.
it's a totally different ball game if you children don't give a toss about people p!easing, are headstrong and determined.
I have two children with very different temperaments, you just have to work with what you've got.

mollyfolk · 08/01/2024 23:27

I always think of it like this, I don’t actually want to raise my kids to completely obey without question when I snap my fingers. This does not end well in adulthood . Hoping to give them autonomy within boundaries, being supportive, positive and encouraging.

Kwasi · 09/01/2024 06:18

@YourInGoodCompany

"Parents are quite good for taking credit when they have naturally easy going compliant children.*"
*
This 100%. I see parents taking credit for naturally obedient and well-mannered kids all the time, while judging those who aren't. DS has been taught his please and thank yous just like any other child. I tell him 100 times a day. Only in the last month, at 5.5 years old, has he started using them, and only about 50% of the time.

Pedallleur · 09/01/2024 06:38

My daughter can do anything if we can afford it. But she has to commit to it for the time we have paid for. No giving it up after 1 session. She did football for 3 x seasons and has stuck with swimming. Her choice but our money hence the commitment for the time paid for. She understood the cost would be recovered in some other way e.g. no ice cream on a trip out or no outings. Harsh? Not imo because nothing is free

Shoppingfiend · 09/01/2024 06:39

If the other option is gaming/ being on screens then they are doing it.

margotrose · 09/01/2024 06:45

I don't think there's much (if any) benefit in forcing a child to attend an optional activity that they clearly don't enjoy. I don't think it teaches children anything other than to hate the activity even more.

Obviously things like holiday clubs or after school clubs so you can go to work are a bit different though.

kissthecarboniferouslimestone · 09/01/2024 06:46

sprigatito · 08/01/2024 19:28

There's a happy medium, I think. I did insist on things like swimming lessons and bikeability that were necessary for their safety, and there were times when childcare was just not negotiable.

I don't agree with many parents on MN who force reluctant children to persevere with optional activities they have lost interest in such as ballet or flute lessons, because they have been paid for, or because the parent can't let go of the idea of their child doing that activity, or to prove a point about "making a commitment". I see no merit in marring the short childhood years by forcing them to do things they hate; they get plenty of that at school.

Too true. They are kids, enjoy it while they can. They are already doing loads of tedious activities in life that “must” be done.

cerisepanther73 · 09/01/2024 06:49

@whatwouldyadoooo

I would also try to encourage your son to make other good friends too
so this friend is less influential on your son 🤔

I know it's not this boys fault it's his parents parenting style is the thing, and which will backfire on them in some way in the future

SparePartz · 09/01/2024 06:57

Like you, the only activity I insisted on was swimming. They had to go until they could swim a length properly. Then I gave them a choice of activities that were convenient to get to after school. Once they chosen one, they went! They were allowed to decide they didn't like it but they had to finish the sessions I'd paid for. They then had the choice of another activity.
I'm pretty hands off though with managing the activities. I take them to music lessons, but it's up to them to practice and progress, I take them to sports clubs but they choose (at the beginning of the season) if they want to commit to going to team events.

I don't believe in making all the decisions for my children. My parents did this with me - I wasn't allowed to choose my clothes, hobbies, interests or GCSE's. It didn't help me in any way and was quite detrimental in the long run. Your choices shouldn't be hard to justify to a child, if they are then maybe you should think about how important they are.

barkymcbark · 09/01/2024 07:05

I have a friend like this, known her since the kids were really small. She ended up having to give up work in the end as she refused to 'make' her kids go to holiday club / childminders /after school club. Her ds ended up leaving school early and didn't take his GCSE's (he's now in a special collage), her dd is starting her GCSE but has to have additional tutoring due to all the school she missed due to her refusing to go.

She's starting to get her life back now they are older but I do wonder how her dc will get on in a work environment having never had to do anything they didn't want to.

So no, YANBU we all have to do things we'd rather not (I'd rather be on a beach right now) but I do think dc should have a choice with things like hobbies. Swimming is a life skill so I'd push that until they could get themselves out of trouble, but things like gymnastics, if they didn't like it I would push it. It's all about a happy medium. School and childminders are none negotiable, the chess club is up to them

TheMotherSide · 09/01/2024 07:07

I have one of each. At 8 and 6, both were compliant and I was a bit like you, having little truck with 'refusal'. They'd just crack on and do as I told them.
The cracks began appearing around this time as one DC, who had always been a little more anxious and reluctant to 'try or comply', began to struggle much more across the board, with everything. I initially persisted in my 'this is how we do it in our family'-way of parenting, but boy am I glad that I was sufficiently attuned to DC to realise something was amiss. Subsequently diagnosed ND and definitely can't be forced to do things ‐it would be cruel and definitely not in their best interest.
The difference is so clear between my two DC.

Hellnope · 09/01/2024 07:08

Different parents have different parenting styles, and some things you ask him to do are important because for example, swimming is an important life skill and could save his life.

SavBlancTonight · 09/01/2024 07:41

whatwouldyadoooo · 08/01/2024 19:37

I guess my kids are easy. They're generally pretty chill. Sometimes they'll cry if they don't want to do something - eg if we need to walk the dog and they're playing Mario kart!
But they know that as much as they kick off and scream and cry I'm not backing down!!
I'll try and explain to him that different parents do things differently and I do what I thinks best for him.
But I've had comments like "I can't believe you sent him to holiday club all week when he said he had no friends and he was bored"
I'd paid for the whole week and I needed to work!!!

This would annoy me intensely. Did you respond with, "well, I couldn't exactly leave him at home.while I went off to work, could I?"

Tou are tight, they are wrong.

Ariela · 09/01/2024 10:36

If it's paid for then it has to be done is my rule.
Swimming was non negotiable as my in laws lived by the sea - you have to learn to swim so it's safe to play on the beach and in the sea with your cousins.

mindutopia · 09/01/2024 10:44

There are things we have to do and things we should do. So going to school/holiday club is a non-negotiable. Dc need to be in school and I need to work. I was a school refuser and my mum had a very low tolerance for conflict, so I missed an entire year of school because she found it very emotional dealing with me, so just started leaving for work before I woke up and would leave me at home by myself all day (I was 10!). So things like that that we have to do are not up for negotiation.

But things that we should do or would be nice to do are up for negotiation. Swimming lessons aren't the only way to learn to swim (neither of mine had formal swimming lessons other than what school offers a few weeks a year, we live by the sea and they can swim fine for their age). Going to a friends house or going to a birthday party they've RSVPed to, these things can be discussed and there may be times when it's appropriate to send your apologies. There are also times when it's best to suck it up and do it. All depends on context.

I'm a big believer in teaching kids to trust their guts. If something doesn't feel right about a situation, person, place, etc. then we should talk about it and decide what to do about it. But there are some things that are must dos and we do them.

Bluevelvetsofa · 09/01/2024 11:09

If there are activities they’ve chosen to do and then got fed up with, they had to finish the term that was paid for.

Bedtime was non negotiable. They could read if they didn’t go to sleep straight away, but staying up till they felt like going to bed wasn’t acceptable.

Some things are negotiable, but you have to decide which battles to fight.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 09/01/2024 13:27

One point I think that is important (and is something that really pisses me off) when your child is going to an activity they enjoy and the whole class is constantly disrupted by a child because they do not want to be there, just so their parents get their moneys worth or satisfy some pre conceived notion about what their child 'should' be doing. Its not just about your child, so I think this needs to be considered.

I have had many arguments with DH about this issue. We both agree there is a balance but the issue is where that lies. Not having a bed time routine or letting a child stay on a device all day is simply bad parenting, but forcing a child like my DS to go to a team sport once a week when he would dread it all week, when he is really bad at it and gets laughed at, and when the school bully is also on his team and likes to remind him of his failures later is also bad parenting, this was the argument. DS is a bit lazy and becoming overweight so exercise was necessary. DH compromised to 1 activity a week but not team related, DS now goes on jogs with his Dad a few times a week and does not do any sports and I think this is ok.

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