Was I a fucked up kid? Thinking of a freaky thing I used to do.

[inigomontoyahwillcox]

Something that's been bugging me for a while, which I only started thinking about seriously over the past year or so, as prior to that it was just "something that I did".

When I was a child, and I mean since I can pretty much remember, so young, I used to do this thing to myself when I would induce what I can only describe as a state of disassociation. I achieved it by repeating to myself the words "I can't believe I'm here, I can't believe I'm here" over and over again until I was taken over by the intense feeling of not being present in my surroundings - I suppose I can explain it as like the real world was a movie which I didn't feature in. In hindsight it was a very bizarre thing to do, and I did it often as a child.

I can still induce the same feeling on demand, but it scares me now, so I don't.

Has anyone else done this? Come across anyone who did or does this?

I actually DO know someone who did this but it was more a case of her needing to escape reality during tough times. She swears she really could force herself to leave reality when needed.

Omg! I did. I used to say to myself "why me". It was very strange. One time I felt like I was leaving my body. I was in the kitchen buttering a slice of bread. It scared me so much, I called out to my mum. Too scared to try again after that. I sometimes wonder whether I should try again.

As a child, I used to deliberately make myself remember snapshots of the present. I can still recall my exact feelings and surroundings many decades later. Nothing remarkable - once I was sitting on the loo on a sunny day!

A friend suffers from this. She was beaten as a child and had a stressful childhood with bullying at school as well as by her mum.

It's interesting that the words you told yourself are so similar to mine. @inigomontoyahwillcox

It's akin to what happens when you properly meditate. It must be so cool to be able to do it that quick😁

That does sound d very similar.

I had this but it just happens, not something that I make happen

Still happens now, i think it is panic attacks

I did have a bit of a rough childhood - draconian father who used his hands/belt a lot. Wonder if that was anything to do with it.

I used to do this and it morphed into maladaptive daydreaming when I was about 7, which I still do.

I used to do this every morning as I hated school so much. I’d totally zone out in the playground and disassociate in order to cope but I’d often be unable to come back out of it for hours . I was diagnosed with autism not long after it started

It’s commoner in people who have had a traumatic childhood, does that apply to you?

@Devilsmommy I think this is actually the opposite of what most kinds of meditation are supposed to do, dissociation isn’t a good thing really.

Sounds like self hypnosis, repeating phrases is one way to get into a hypnotic state. Much like dreaming while awake.

I have a couple of distinct memories of sitting on the carpet at school (it was year 2 so I was 6or7) and feeling like I was looking at everything through a portal and I was somewhere else or like I was watch TV or something. It happened a few times but less as an adult. I'm (probably) neurodivergent so always assume it was a result of my autism retrospectively. Are you NT op?

I don't know if it is related or normal at all but I had an extreme dissacociative experience in labour with my second child. I was induced and epidural stopped working. I was observing myself screaming in pain to the point that I was laughing at myself internally about how bizzare the situation was. Felt like it lasted a minute when it was over an hour.

I could do this as a child as well, and think I probably still could. It's quite scary though - I ramener having to think of familiar things to get back if that makes sense.

And yeah, sub-optimal childhood too.

I used to do something very similar, it was a way of dissociating from an abusive childhood.
I also used to be able to completely empty my mind as in think nothing, completely quiet everything down. It was a way of controlling something when everything else was out of my control.
I recently went througha spell of acute anxiety and I realised these things I used to do were coping mechanisms of an anxious child.
I'm a lot more kind to myself now I understand.

Not diagnosed as ND, strongly suspect I have ADHD (daughter is diagnosed).

Depersonalisation is where you have the feeling of being outside yourself and observing your actions, feelings or thoughts from a distance. Derealisation is where you feel the world is unreal. People and things around you may seem "lifeless" or "foggy". You can have depersonalisation or derealisation, or both together.

I had maladaptive daydreaming too but this was different. A bit like going into a trance. The question "why me" was me trying to understand why out of everybody, out of all the minds out there, I was only aware of mine. If that makes sense.

This is exactly it, I would have to drag myself back into reality.

Ah that's interesting pp. I also was and am a maladaptive daydreamer. I think having a vivid imagination and 'rich' inner world may have something to do with it. I didn't have a traumatic childhood though. Not perfect but good by most standards.

It sounds a lot like derealisation as well.

I used to do something like this where I would not believe I was in my body and that I existed as the subject that I was. But I think this was simply an expression of a healthy interest in philosophy and metaphysical questions about subjectivity in particular. I’m now a professional philosopher.

It's really interesting to hear all your experiences and backgrounds that may be related to it.

Ah, mine was derealization then. The sudden feeling that nothing I'm seeing is real, similar feeling to de ja vu.