Was I a fucked up kid? Thinking of a freaky thing I used to do.

[inigomontoyahwillcox]

Something that's been bugging me for a while, which I only started thinking about seriously over the past year or so, as prior to that it was just "something that I did".

When I was a child, and I mean since I can pretty much remember, so young, I used to do this thing to myself when I would induce what I can only describe as a state of disassociation. I achieved it by repeating to myself the words "I can't believe I'm here, I can't believe I'm here" over and over again until I was taken over by the intense feeling of not being present in my surroundings - I suppose I can explain it as like the real world was a movie which I didn't feature in. In hindsight it was a very bizarre thing to do, and I did it often as a child.

I can still induce the same feeling on demand, but it scares me now, so I don't.

Has anyone else done this? Come across anyone who did or does this?

@inigomontoyahwillcox I am so glad you posted this. I have often wondered about it myself.

mine started when I was 10, DM got cancer and no-one would look after us when she went for treatment, I suppose I worried about going into care and being alone, been anxious ever since

Yep. I used to stare in the mirror and say "I can't believe I'm a human" and then disassociate for a few seconds till I shook it off.

As an adult I developed an anxiety and panic disorder which resulted in month long bouts of the same feeling, which I now know to be depersonalization.

When you're stuck in it for months, it's absolutely terrifying. I can only describe it as living behind my own eyes, like I'm watching a film or I'm a ghost.

I did the same. I did it to escape trauma - initially from nightmares (we lived in an enormous house when I was young and I was down a long corridor in my own large room and I was terrified of the dark but very strict parenting and not allowed a light).

I did this. No abuse or anything. However, I highly suspect I'm on a high-functioning autism spectrum which explains a lot about a lot :)

Not to be flippant, but in the show The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (which deals - in its comic way - with how people respond to trauma) Kimmy had a technique she used to help her cope with being in the bunker: by repeating “I’m not really here! I’m not really here!” again and again. It sounds similar OP.

Sounds like you had a very tough time and experimented with ways to cope, as many resourceful children sadly have to ❤️

It seems like dissociation to me. Here's a bit on it:

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/about-dissociation/

I don't think you're fucked up. I think you were using a coping mechanism

All my memories of my first year of secondary school were recorded in my mind as though I’m watching myself from the ceiling, kind of like a CCTV security camera 🫥 I can’t remember if it felt like that at the time. All my other life memories are from my own POV (i.e. filmed from inside my head pointing out!).

Nothing too unusual was going on at secondary school, except I was totally overwhelmed by all the class changes / remembering the combination to the lock on my locker / all the different things I needed to remember. I have ADHD.

Weirdly, I also repeat the phrase ‘why me?’ in my mind a lot and have always assumed it was some sort of perseverative quirk. Like an earworm. Interesting that others have similar phrases!

I used to imagine myself back to my old house as I was not happy with the move and really believe I was there.

I also used to plan in detail what I would do if my parents died. All kids are wierd.

@RoughAsABadgersArse I’m so sorry - that must have been terrifying. 💐

Same for me. It was an almost philosophical thing where I couldn't believe that I existed

Omg I have done and can still do this! One time I was lying in the garden in the house I grew up in and can remember everything about it. Like a mental photo with feelings etc.

Oh and I have ADHD if that's relevant.

I have done that too @Pussygaloregalapagos Somewhere I felt safe I think.

A few people I know have done similar as children.

I’ve had this experience a couple of times experimenting as a child. I don’t think my childhood was bad enough to be the cause, but I am a maladaptive vivid daydreamer.

Thinking about it makes me really uneasy, as if I could just slip away if I don’t concentrate on the here and now. It wasn’t that easy to do, just feels like that.

Has anyone else had something like this happen during sex?

Fizzystream - I suspect I am ND but no diagnosis

So a few with NDs and also some with trauma - think I've probably got an element of both. So that kinda makes sense.

I also developed anxiety and panic disorder as an adult - but managed to cope with these with therapy (funnily enough never mentioned this in it though!), meditation and medication.

I'm so sorry @RoughAsABadgersArse - that must have been terrifying for you (and your mum).

@worrywilma I can't imagine being stuck in that state for months, how utterly awful for you.

Sort of. If I used to think the words 'am I really here?', I'd go into a detached like state but I still knew what was going on. It felt like I was taking a few steps back from reality, that the front of my body was there but my mind was further back. I didn't have a brilliant childhood and am an only child.

I thought of Kimmy Schmidt too. A coping mechanism.

I didn't induce it but I had times around 7 - 12ish where I felt what at the time I described as being 'out of myself', like things weren't real. A bit like when the sound isn't synched on a tv programme - everything was slightly out of time but scripted and predictable. I recognise it now as depersonalisation/derealisation etc. but as the time was diagnosed by my GP as being an attention seeker! Tbf, I probably was subconsciously after attention (shy, dumpy, had a golden child sibling etc.) but it wasn't deliberate and it was scary.

I was a deep and depressing thinkers from a young age - I was shocked to discover Nihilism was a thing, I had invented it in my bedroom when I was about 8. And spent nights awake with maladaptive daydreaming. On ADs now and they just dull everything. It's nice.

I often did this as a child, teenager and sometimes as an adult too.

I had (and still do) a mentally abusive mother.

I also have the fully photographic/sense-aware snapshot memories - I thought everyone did! Some I deliberately “recorded” and others just pop back to me.

As a child and teenager I would work myself into a state of abject terror by reminding myself over and over that I didn’t know why I, or anything, existed, or what reality was, until I was in an existential panic. I can still do it, but find it less scary now and feel less compelled to do it.

I had a dysfunctional/abusive childhood and have ND in the family too so maybe there’s a theme there.

I was amazed when I read your post because it triggered a memory of me doing exactly the same thing.. I used to say the same thing as you did in my head or say 'I really really am here' over and over to myself. Haven't done it for years though, don't know if I could now

Was your childhood abusive?

I didn’t do the dissociation thing, but two things I did as a child that I didn’t realise were unusual until much later in adult life:

• live completely in my head, with the most elaborate pretend-life you can imagine. It spanned years and had more storylines than a soap opera. This would take up 80-90% of my waking hours.
• cry myself to sleep every night for years due to undiagnosed depression as a teenager

Both of the above were due to suffering emotional abuse as a child.

It’s called Cartesian radical doubt and it’s a perfectly normal stage of philosophically questioning and experimenting.

Some of what is being described is certainly pathological and dissociation as a result of abuse. But I think the phenomenon described by OP is not necessarily psychologically pathological.