Diagnose my sibling

[moneyMathy]

I have an older brother who is 40. He studied for his phd until a few years ago and has done very well academically. He is now on a 6 figure salary and is liked at work. If relevant, DH and I are also on a 6 figure salary.

Our parents live abroad and are retired. They are asset-rich but cash poor as they now rely on their pension as their only source of income. Until this year, our parents have always paid for his tickets to come visit or for any holidays. For his last visit, his paid for his own tickets but took absolutely no money with him. He also refused to use his card locally. So, my parents paid for everything including his visit to the dentist, the doctor, blood tests etc.

Our parents gave both of us money for a house deposit. My brother has over £300k in savings. He lives is a house share with other men. He does not drive or own a car. He speaks to my father several times a day - when he wakes up, during his breaks, after work, before going to bed etc. He has no friends.

Why is it my issue? As my parents are getting older, there is more and more pressure on me to assume some "take care of him". A few years ago, I organised a holiday for the family and he was supposed to pay me back for his share. He never did as I "would not miss the money". Every time we go out for lunch, I have to pay the bill. My parents constantly ask me to buy him things.

If money was an issue, I would absolutely pay for things. However, money is not an issue for him. He has more disposable income than I do.

Is he just tight or does he have some undiagnosed issues?

First thing that spring ls to mind is he is the golden child.

How can anyone on here possibly diagnose him and even if they did how is that going to change things for you?

Your brother is what he he is, he's not going to change.

You just need to work out what your own boundaries are. Diagnosing him won't help you.

Your parents have indulged and enables and basically been pretty spineless parents

and this so the upshot

And it sounds like they spend a lot of their time telling you about how financial situation and how they had to pay for him as otherwise how else would you know what happened when he visited?

Sorry, I think my question is: How can I make things better for my parents?

as for his “diagnosis”?

Poor indulgent parenting

He sounds socially awkward and like your parents have enabled him and not encouraged him to grow up. He obviously doesn’t need financial support so just don’t pay for anything for him in future - you know he won’t pay you back. What is your relationship with him like? I guess your parents worry what will happen if anything happens to them and he loses his phone support - it’s pretty odd at 40 to be phoning parents multiple times a day.

By encouraging them to develop a backbone between them

Do they want things made better for them?

Set your boundaries ! It wont feel comfortable but you're not comfortable now !

I think it became more relevant this year because both my parents are now retired. My mother was a little shocked maybe that my brother despite knowing that they are retired still expected them to pay for everything.

You can’t. Only they can do that by having appropriate boundaries. I suspect their lack of boundaries have made the situation worse.

your parents are cash poor

you and your husband are both on 6 figure salaries

your parents gave you cash for a house deposit? 😐

But did she say this to him?

*My mother was a little shocked

and yet she didn’t say anything to him
instead whinged to you

He takes them for a ride because he can.

And they encourage it.

It's a relational dynamic.

My brother is the same, I'm no contact with all of them (for different reasons).

Step back and leave them to it.

They'll probably leave far more of their estate to him than you, btw, because they have an ingrained narrative of him being in need.

Every time we go out for lunch, I have to pay the bill

of your parent live abroad, how often does this happen?

My parents constantly ask me to buy him things.

and you presumably chuckle and say “no chance mum!”

My parents constantly ask me to buy him things.

do you honestly not see how they are doing to you what your brother is doing to them?

He is what Jung would call a "puer aeternus", ie Peter Pan syndrome, or the boy who never grew up.

You start saying no to them and your brother.

Email them all and say we are all adults and we all pay our own way from now on.

When you go out with your DB make him put his card on the tab.

Do you understand the purpose of a discussion forum?

not to diagnose people? 🤷‍♀️

Omg you all need to have a conversation about this. Until you do this will not change. There is no way around it. Trying to embarrass anyone into realising they are behaving inappropriately won't work op. Your brother knows exactly what he is doing and isn't going to change unless you challenge him.

Do you?

Because if everybody bowed to your superior opinion, then what would be the purpose of a discussion forum again?

When we were still living with my parents, we had an OK relationship. He was always a little weird, like he would never take his toys out of the packaging and play with them. Yet, he was happy to play with my toys. When he moved out of the house, he cut all ties with me. We did not speak for years. My parents put a lot of pressure for us to have a relationship but it is really one sided as I have to put all the effort. I know it's not normal for a 40 year old to speak to his father all day and my father worries about what will happen when he dies.