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Original poster

Diagnose my sibling

83 replies

moneyMathy · 07/01/2024 08:43

I have an older brother who is 40. He studied for his phd until a few years ago and has done very well academically. He is now on a 6 figure salary and is liked at work. If relevant, DH and I are also on a 6 figure salary.

Our parents live abroad and are retired. They are asset-rich but cash poor as they now rely on their pension as their only source of income. Until this year, our parents have always paid for his tickets to come visit or for any holidays. For his last visit, his paid for his own tickets but took absolutely no money with him. He also refused to use his card locally. So, my parents paid for everything including his visit to the dentist, the doctor, blood tests etc.

Our parents gave both of us money for a house deposit. My brother has over £300k in savings. He lives is a house share with other men. He does not drive or own a car. He speaks to my father several times a day - when he wakes up, during his breaks, after work, before going to bed etc. He has no friends.

Why is it my issue? As my parents are getting older, there is more and more pressure on me to assume some "take care of him". A few years ago, I organised a holiday for the family and he was supposed to pay me back for his share. He never did as I "would not miss the money". Every time we go out for lunch, I have to pay the bill. My parents constantly ask me to buy him things.

If money was an issue, I would absolutely pay for things. However, money is not an issue for him. He has more disposable income than I do.

Is he just tight or does he have some undiagnosed issues?

OP posts:
Original poster
moneyMathy · 07/01/2024 16:28

AliceOlive · 07/01/2024 15:34

How does a lifelong student have £300K in savings?

I think you should let your parents just deal with him and resolve not to pay anything for him yourself, ever.

Parents gave both my brother and I £100k each for a house deposit initially. I bought a house with DH. My brother did not use the money and his monthly salary after tax is £5.5k and he spends less than £1k on rent / food / travel.

OP posts:
ssd · 07/01/2024 16:32

Really, you cant change the relationship between your db and your parents. That's their business and it is what it is. All you can do is stop treating him and stop the expectation that you'll take over from your parents when they are gone.

They need a backbone and you need to create some distance.

withthischoice · 07/01/2024 16:39

moneyMathy · 07/01/2024 16:28

Parents gave both my brother and I £100k each for a house deposit initially. I bought a house with DH. My brother did not use the money and his monthly salary after tax is £5.5k and he spends less than £1k on rent / food / travel.

Show quote history

and you say your parents are “cash poor”?

no wonder. they gave you and your sibling on 6 figure salaries £200k

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dementia & alzheimer's Families General money
GuinnessBird · 07/01/2024 16:44

My diagnosis is you need to leave your parents and your brother to it.

Leavesofautumn · 07/01/2024 16:51

Do you know for a fact that he still has all this money in the bank? Is there any chance at all that he’s been frittering it away on gambling or drugs? People can be very good at hiding addictions. Not that it’s your job to give him more money because of that, but could this be going on?

Hastae · 07/01/2024 17:06

There are some similarities with my family set-up here, although my sibling doesn’t earn much and money has been a genuine problem in the past.

Like my brother, it seems likely there is something diagnosable here, but there I’d only one person who can get that diagnosis and help. I decided a long time ago not to indulge everything my brother does because he may or may not have whatever condition when he has refused to engage with any professional help and my parents’ offers to pay for it.

I also agree with pps that your parents’ mollycoddling and excuse-making is not helping anyone. He may have challenges, but he has been able to live independently, save and work full time. He really doesn’t need you or them paying for his meals when he goes out! I would just ignore any finance-related fussing tbh. As I am ignoring the long-winded descriptions of how my parents have been helping my brother with his holiday preparations for the last month or so. It’s silly, almost comical and rather sad that they can’t stop holding his hand through life, but I’ve wasted enough energy on talking to them about it now. Just pull back.

AliceOlive · 09/01/2024 03:26

moneyMathy · 07/01/2024 16:28

Parents gave both my brother and I £100k each for a house deposit initially. I bought a house with DH. My brother did not use the money and his monthly salary after tax is £5.5k and he spends less than £1k on rent / food / travel.

Show quote history

So is it your calculation that he has that much in the bank or is that common knowledge within the family?

Mollymalone123 · 09/01/2024 03:44

My older sister was very much like this -held a good job- even got married twice but was from a very early age treated like a baby almost.there were lots of us in the family and I was youngest but mum and dad felt she needed extra help.she walked out on first marriage and moved back home.there she got looked after again.same after second marriage.then she was I’ll so came home again to be looked after but this time never left.She had always had a selfish attitude.whole world revolves around her.She once said ‘who’s going to look after me once our parents have died.she had the most horrendous temper tantrums if she didn’t get her own way.all this but she managed a great job.However, after one particular explosion of temper she decided she needed counselling.She was then diagnosed with high functioning autism.she was also
put on anti depressants.I cannot stress how much she has changed-it’s been amazing.she is so much nicer and happier and pleasant to be around

oneflewoverthe · 09/01/2024 04:03

He's not your problem to fix. They need to stop indulging him.

oneflewoverthe · 09/01/2024 04:04

They're probably gearing up for you to take over as mummy

Blueuggboots · 09/01/2024 04:15

The word you are looking for is "NO"..

"No, I won't pay for your dinner. You have your own money, use it."

Gillypie23 · 09/01/2024 04:15

Hes a tight git and your all enabling him. He doesn't need looking after. You need to set boundaries

Original poster
moneyMathy · 09/01/2024 08:00

AliceOlive · 09/01/2024 03:26

So is it your calculation that he has that much in the bank or is that common knowledge within the family?

Show quote history

How do I know? Sibling had all the money in one bank account. My father was helping him look for the right property to buy on right move (from abroad). I had to inform him that his money was not protected and that he had to use multiple banks etc.

It is possible that he has an addiction and has used the money, who knows?

OP posts:
Original poster
moneyMathy · 09/01/2024 08:01

oneflewoverthe · 09/01/2024 04:04

They're probably gearing up for you to take over as mummy

They want this, it's not going to happen.

OP posts:
nottaotter · 09/01/2024 08:11

Maybe he is autistic but even if he is diagnosed it won't change the situation.

If your parents continue to support him financially then its up to them, very frustrating for you I totally get that. Next time it is suggested that take on a role of supporting him I would say in a calm almost joke way

'DB is very capable and I know he doesn't want his little sister interfering in his life'

'He's a big boy he doesn't need anyone paying his bills'

etc etc

pickledandpuzzled · 09/01/2024 08:12

I have a family member a bit like him. It’s incredibly hard to know what he is capable of. He seems capable but then doesn’t do or know very basic things. Like how much he is paid, what his NI number is etc. It’s easy to assume he can’t do things.

OP does your brother have strange gaps in his skills/knowledge?

Socketsplugs · 09/01/2024 08:30

I had to inform him that his money was not protected and that he had to use multiple banks etc.

Totally off the point but why does he need to use multiple banks?

RandomMess · 09/01/2024 09:37

@Socketsplugs if a bank goes bust in the UK you are only guaranteed to get £x amount back.

Google says £85k per eligible person per bank.

Socketsplugs · 09/01/2024 09:59

Thank you. I did not know that.

AliceOlive · 09/01/2024 10:57

moneyMathy · 09/01/2024 08:00

How do I know? Sibling had all the money in one bank account. My father was helping him look for the right property to buy on right move (from abroad). I had to inform him that his money was not protected and that he had to use multiple banks etc.

It is possible that he has an addiction and has used the money, who knows?

Show quote history

The reason I asked is that it relates to how much info is shared in healthy relationships. I don’t think there is a definitive answer, but family knowing how much money adult children make and have is sometimes indicative of over-involvement. My own family has some issues around this.

It does sound like your brother has some neuro-diversity and your parents feel protective of him to a degree that may be warranted.

Have you thought about discussing his differences with them openly? Or does it feel taboo?

Tighginn · 09/01/2024 11:09

moneyMathy · 07/01/2024 08:43

I have an older brother who is 40. He studied for his phd until a few years ago and has done very well academically. He is now on a 6 figure salary and is liked at work. If relevant, DH and I are also on a 6 figure salary.

Our parents live abroad and are retired. They are asset-rich but cash poor as they now rely on their pension as their only source of income. Until this year, our parents have always paid for his tickets to come visit or for any holidays. For his last visit, his paid for his own tickets but took absolutely no money with him. He also refused to use his card locally. So, my parents paid for everything including his visit to the dentist, the doctor, blood tests etc.

Our parents gave both of us money for a house deposit. My brother has over £300k in savings. He lives is a house share with other men. He does not drive or own a car. He speaks to my father several times a day - when he wakes up, during his breaks, after work, before going to bed etc. He has no friends.

Why is it my issue? As my parents are getting older, there is more and more pressure on me to assume some "take care of him". A few years ago, I organised a holiday for the family and he was supposed to pay me back for his share. He never did as I "would not miss the money". Every time we go out for lunch, I have to pay the bill. My parents constantly ask me to buy him things.

If money was an issue, I would absolutely pay for things. However, money is not an issue for him. He has more disposable income than I do.

Is he just tight or does he have some undiagnosed issues?

Spoiled brat.

Doormatnomore · 09/01/2024 11:32

I don’t your brother (obvs) but I know 2 or 3 adults who expect their parents to pay for everything just because they are parents. Married people with well paying jobs who let their parents pay for travel expenses and don’t put their share in for family presents. It’s the parents fault for letting it happen. I know my mum casually mentioned I’d paid for the flights an accommodation for a holiday we were going on (because she was trying to decide how much holiday money she needed) and her friend near fell off her chair because her grown up children didn’t even buy a coffee. I am not over generous- it was our gift on a very cheapo holiday. Anyway friend refused to buy her children anything else until they evened things out a bit. No ND, no big reason other than people like not paying for stuff.

Original poster
moneyMathy · 09/01/2024 11:34

pickledandpuzzled · 09/01/2024 08:12

I have a family member a bit like him. It’s incredibly hard to know what he is capable of. He seems capable but then doesn’t do or know very basic things. Like how much he is paid, what his NI number is etc. It’s easy to assume he can’t do things.

OP does your brother have strange gaps in his skills/knowledge?

@pickledandpuzzled yes and it's hard to explain. He has a phd so is very book smart. But he probably would not know his ni number without looking it up. He also does not know how to access basic services like book a gp appointment.

OP posts:
Marynotsocontrary · 09/01/2024 11:39

What's your take on it OP?
You're the one who knows him.
Do you think he has undiagnosed issues?

Madeupballs · 09/01/2024 11:41

Neurodiverse. Telling ye.