Autistic women assemble! #3

[Nepmarthiturn]

This is a thread for autistic women to connect, chat, vent, laugh, share and seek advice and solidarity (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

Any autistic women newly finding the thread are very welcome to join us (even if awaiting diagnosis) but we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please…

Previous threads:

1

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4777843-autistic-women-assemble

#2
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4865805-autistic-women-assemble-2

Hi. How is everyone?

It's gone quite quiet on the thread.

@QuitChewingMyPlectrum I hope you're OK after the Facebook thread disaster.

I still feel rather sad that @Nepmarthiturn has disappeared, and I hope all is OK with her and her family.

Sending hugs to anyone who needs them.

@TheShellBeach hope all OK with you too my love. Long time no speak.

Hi there @RainbowZebraWarrior

We're fine here. DS and I went to a quiz in the village this evening, and our team came last. We enjoyed it though.

DS has been helping a lady with some gardening.

Still around still answering threads on adhd just to raise my bp higher!

🤣🤣🤣

Question if you don’t mind. Talking at people, info dumping and dominating conversations. Can this be an autistic thing?

Very much an Autistic thing.

One of the questions when assessed is do you do any of those things and are you completely unaware that you are boring or annoying others?

My answer was that I do it all. Relentlessly. And even though I'm aware of it, I cannot stop myself. It's the difference between self awareness and no self awareness.

Very interesting thread. Thank you.
@Pepsipepsi interesting to read that symptoms can increase with/during menopause.
A lot of your post rings a bell as I have found I am far less interested in socialising, exhausted by it, at times overwhelmed by it.

So disappointing to read MN must bury in their T&C's that they can use your post elsewhere on other forums.
There seems to be little or no supervision on this site.
It reads as positively vicious and very dangerous to the mental health of posters seeking support on some threads.
Thanks for the heads up to keep posts as impersonal as possible.

Thank you for this. That’s really interesting. I should really arrange this diagnosis. If you can’t stop it I don’t suppose you have any tips on how not to do it?

I think, for me I had to walk away from people who were arseholes about it. So my ex, who would point it out in a not very kind, but apparently joking way (which screwed with my head as I thought I needed to go along with his banter, even though I realise now it was borderline abusive / definitely nasty)
My circle is much smaller. I'm 52 and I walked away from some acquaintances, no longer socialise as I cannot stand that feeling of being observed, criticised and exposed.

I can only be myself now as I don't have the energy to mask. So I only really spend time with my daughter and my parents. Obviously I go to parents evenings and things like that, and maybe say hello to neighbours, but I don't get involved. I might waffle a bit at my hairdresser, but she's also ND, so she gets it.

I don't know if that sounds extreme, but it's a lifestyle that suits me. No, it's a lifestyle that's saved my life actually, as I need so much down time, quiet space, time to decompress etc. I'm happier in my own company most of the time.

In essence, I only spend time with people who love and understand me, who will not make me feel like shit about myself.

This doesn’t sound that extreme - I rarely spend time with anyone but my husband and a couple of very nice friends because I find social situations really stressful and confusing. The pandemic gave me the opportunity to step back from them and I realised how much easier I find life without having to jam my square peg self into a round hole.

It feels like a bit of a shame though as I sometimes enjoy being social depending on the people and situation involved. But I feel as though I piss people off because I can’t switch off the verbal dumping and saying things that are wrong somehow.

I’m sorry your ex was abusive. That sounds horrible, especially as your partner is supposed to be one of the few people that accepts you.

I can't stop doing it either.
I have no useful advice, therefore.

I only usually realise I've been doing it after the event.

Actually, I've just read this bit of the thread out to DH and he laughed. He is always on the receiving end. Luckily he understands and loves me.

Oh yes. Very much an autistic thing.

But I do very frequently panic, looking back at my social interactions.

I am 67 and I go to a lunch club and a tea afternoon in my village.

I sometimes think that the other people who go would prefer it if I stayed at home. I'm probably wrong but it does play on my mind.

Today a "mental health emergency first aider" who trains others in the role, told me that autism is "just a label" and that "nothing has changed" and I should "focus on opportunities" instead of "worrying".

This was her best attempt of helping me when I said my mental health has been in the toilet since finding out I'm ND, my 14 year old dd is too.

I've been banned from here a few times, for saying things that I thought were acceptable.

Obviously, it turned out that they weren't.
🤣

I'm so sorry. That's not acceptable, especially from someone in her job.

Sending solidarity.

Hopefully, I'm not speaking out of turn, but I feel Shell and I are somewhat kindred spirits. We may possibly be some of the oldest on this thread (50's / 60's) and we are all at different points on this thread with regard to pre and post diagnosis.

I feel that with age, comes wisdom (without sounding patronising) but more importantly, it brings acceptance, which is the most wonderful thing.

Whether you are seeking diagnosis or trying to get to grips with a diagnosis, that final understanding of yourself is very liberating.

Please take no notice of that. To be dismissed in that way is something that a lot of us have come across, and it's rubbish. Unfortunately it comes from a place of ignorance. It may not have been meant in a bad way, but I think a lot of people simply don't understand unless they have personal experience.

I had NHS Talking Therapy a year before my Autism diagnosis. She was a lovely lady, but didn't have a clue about Autism and kept asking me / telling me that I was focusing too much on a possible diagnosis / label. I knew I was Autistic. It was her that didn't 'get it'

Thank you guys. I am undiagnosed but feel a bit more… I don’t know - understood? Like perhaps there is a reason that I struggle so much with people? Like why I find a lot of situations many people enjoy like ants crawling under my skin? Very much appreciated.

I am very tired today and when I read this, my immediate thoughts were unprintable.

It seems that as more people are being diagnosed autistic later in life, others become dimly aware that there is such a thing as autism and think that it's fine for them to express not only opinions but advice.

Discovering you are autistic when you are a grown-up and have been managing to more or less "function" in society, thinking there's something wrong with you, criticising yourself for not fitting in and trying to be accepted, is a very big deal.

Once you know, everything makes sense.

Also, discovering that you are actually autistic (whether you have a diagnosis or not) doesn't make it any easier interacting with people who haven't got a clue.

After I got my diagnosis in 2022 at the age of 67, I was so relieved and elated I started telling everybody. Very soon I realised I need to be be very selective with my personal revelations. People had various reactions, one of which was to ask me what it was like, how did I know et cetera, which I found very hard to answer because I found myself trying to justify myself. To "prove" that I am autistic - an impossible task.

I have realised many people are not really interested, do not care, and will not listen.

Hi @inkymoose it looks like you and I got our diagnoses at the same time, and at almost the same age.

I agree that we need to be selective in telling people. It's good to be able to put our lives into context, and to understand why things were as they were.

More than sixty years of masking was a massive struggle. My neighbour, who is 74, got her diagnosis five years ago. She and I have long conversations about autism. She now says that she doesn't try to mask at all now. She feels liberated.

But telling people? No, not everyone.

I have realised many people are not really interested, do not care, and will not listen

Yes! This!

Argh! Why the HELL did I click on this?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5078477-why-are-so-many-children-autistic-these-days

@TheShellBeach areyou having an afternoon beer like i am?

I am not.
I am roasting a chicken.