Autistic women assemble! #3

[Nepmarthiturn]

This is a thread for autistic women to connect, chat, vent, laugh, share and seek advice and solidarity (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

Any autistic women newly finding the thread are very welcome to join us (even if awaiting diagnosis) but we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please…

Previous threads:

1

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4777843-autistic-women-assemble

#2
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4865805-autistic-women-assemble-2

Morning all

I’ve been thinking about @Psychoticbreak, how’s the medication going?

I have my adhd assessment in 2 weeks, then probably a 3 month wait to start meds 🙄

Im off to London today to the Stitch Festival and I’m meeting a friend there who is (also) autistic. Im ridiculously proud that we’ve managed to put our rejection sensitivity dysphoria aside to organise the meet up 🤣

@RunningThroughMyHead im almost 56 and I’ve found my tribe but it’s taken a long time, you’ll get there. And NEVER be afraid to be that parent. To a teacher you are a blip on their radar but to your child you are everything

Enjoy London and the festival @LoveSandbanks. I’ve just googled it because I’ve never heard of it before but it looks good

@RunningThroughMyHead

Just wanted to reply to your post, as I've just seen it.

The spiral of negative thoughts and self hate sounds like depression.

I've always had quite high self esteem. I think I'm a good person. (I'm diagnosed Autistic btw)

Though I can relate to sometimes coming out of a meeting at school or wherever and feeling like a dick. Sometimes I'm amazingly articulate and sometimes I feel totally misunderstood.

Totally agree with what sandbanks said. To a teacher, you're a blip, but to your kid you are everything and they rely on you to fight their corner.

I'm fierce when it comes to DD and have to be, as she has so many problems with school. I think at 52 I now just no longer give a fuck what school think of me.

Counselling can be good, although I found it dull as it was so generic. I think it taught me that I actually know and understand myself really well.

It's important to have regular time out for yourself. If I don't, it leads to burnout. So I'm really strict with myself now and no longer a martyr. I have absolutely no issues with saying No.

Are you pursuing a diagnosis? That can be the thing that brings you peace, insight and the 'permission' to be kind to yourself. I'd say pretty much 99% of women say so.

Counselling can be good, although I found it dull as it was so generic. I think it taught me that I actually know and understand myself really well

I had a similar experience.
It helped me to understand that my analysis of myself was very accurate.

@RainbowZebraWarrior thanks very much for coming back to me and for your thoughts. I've also wondered if I'm going through a period of depression, I'm not sure. But yes, I guess it would make sense as the signs are there from the past and I definitely feel helpless. I've had counselling before which I've at times got a lot out of, although at other times haven't. But I can't seem to sustain the happiness.

I was asked recently, when I feel most happiness. I have to admit that I really struggled to remember a time I felt happy. Like truly happy. I'm not sure I ever have, especially as an adult. I've always been highly critical (of myself, others, my surroundings) and whilst I try to let go, I often have underlying anxiety and a harsh inner voice. Counselling has helped for a brief periods but then it returns. And sadly I can't afford constant therapy (and usually get to the point where I feel better and have nothing to say).

I don't know. I also feel like a major imposter. I can mask extremely well but only my husband really knows me, although he's not the most emotionally available person himself, so I guess I feel a bit lost in it all. My gut says I'm different, but my head tells me I'm just trying to label myself and that I should be able to improve these aspects without needing to have something to blame.

I'm not seeking a diagnosis as I worry I'd be laughed out of the room. I'm professionally successful and can appear confident. I'm good with eye contact and can read emotions pretty well, I think. But it's the connection to the world that I can't make. With people, even family, and even with possessions, memories, feelings. I can't get past the surface. And my emotions are getting a bit out of control in recent years, especially since having my kids. I havent handled parenthood all that well (emotionally, again, to the outside world I'm coping well).

You're right about self care and time to myself. I am working hard at carving time for myself.

Thanks again, I really appreciate the insight.

@LoveSandbanks thank you, I needed to hear that about the school! And you're totally right, of course.

Can I ask what changed with you and finding your tribe? I would love a few close friends but just don't seem to get behind acquaintances ☹️

@LoveSandbanks I also hope you have a great time at the festival!

@RunningThroughMyHead Imposter syndrome can be a large part of the thinking when it comes to Autistic women.

One thing I'd say is that an Autism assessment / diagnosis is not a label. Any more than Diabetes or any other condition. It can, and does make you understand yourself.

I don't know if there's anything else in your life that is making you doubt yourself. Another thing I'd say is that partners and family can often contribute to how you feel. In the sense of doubting yourself, or making you feel less worthy.

Ultimately, for me, I had to go for diagnosis. I wrote chapters about my life. My childhood was full of sensory issues - food, clothing, noise, people - and I was painfully shy. I struggled with friendships and relationships. I'm happy in my own company, now. I never feel lonely, but perhaps that's specific to me.

I'd ask yourself these things: Is it impacting you to the point whereby you are significantly struggling? Are you finding it difficult to cope with sensory, communication and social aspects to the point where you avoid them, or do you feel wiped out after feeling 'overloaded'

Many things in life can overwhlem us. Life is frenetic and fast paced. Jobs, kids, partners, ageing parents, menopause. All sorts of stuff can leave us feeling burned out.

Google AQ50 and take the test. Be honest. It's a pre assessment questionnaire used by the medical profession to see if you meet the threshold for assessment. The results will tell you if you meet that threshold.

Even if you don't, see a doctor anyway. You aren't wasting anyone's time. You are struggling, and it always helps to know why.

@RunningThroughMyHead
An autism diagnosis is not a label.

I'm good with eye contact and can read emotions pretty well, I think

So can I, and I'm autistic.
There's a common misconception that if someone can make eye contact, they can't possibly be autistic.

I have three autistic children. Two of them make eye contact. The other one definitely doesn't.

That's really interesting that your children have different presentations.

It's so hard as I like hard facts, I mean, If you have diabetes, you take a few tests and you have a firm diagnosis.

Whereas autism can affect everyone differently and it presents in such different ways that I struggle to accept I could have it (even though deep down I feel I do).

My dad shows stroooong traits. Lots of sensory issues as well as other typical symptoms. But my symptoms feel more subtle and like they could just be personality based (introverted, self critical, highly analytical) which is what I often tell myself.

Can I ask what led you to seek diagnoses for your children? Did you ever doubt the diagnoses?

I could see it very obviously in the youngest child and then realised that two of the others also showed signs.

No, I've never doubted the diagnoses.

I was wondering if you felt that an autism diagnosis was a stigma, @RunningThroughMyHead?

I confess that many, many years ago, even before I had children, I did feel that. I am going back a long way now, before there was much information about autism available.

I only realised that one of my sisters was autistic about five years ago, after she was dead.

It can be hard to reconcile a diagnosis. But I do encourage you to take the AQ50 and seek a diagnosis. My own diagnosis liberated me.

@Nepmarthiturn I do hope you are all right.

Sewing festival yesterday, loved it but it was exhausting. I was in bed for 8pm but still knackered today. Had my annual review this afternoon which I find hugely stressful and just sat and cried afterwards. My brain has imploded and is just not working anymore. So glad it’s Friday

I really hope this isn't offensive to anyone

You mean this?

"But I do have it in my head that it's possible there's an over-diagnosis going on socially, especially when privately assessed, and that normal "quirky" or less social characteristics are being classed as autism when actually they're just normal deviations from the "norm"

Well yes. I do find that offensive. Very offensive.

Isn’t autism genetic? Maybe we’re quirky because of our genes lol

Yes, I agree and unfortunately it's the wrong thing to say on an Autistic women's support thread.

Without question.
It's bad enough having to encounter stuff like that all over Mumsnet, but it's distressing to see it on our support thread.

Sorry @TheShellBeach. Was my comment offensive? I didn’t mean for it to be, I was trying to joke and be funny

No, not yours, @JewelleryCatdon't worry!

The post by @RunningThroughMyHead

Hey all. I have been through such a busy time lately with work and family and just everything and have not been on in a bit.

For the poster who asked about the meds, I think ok so far but I have just now fully come off sertraline so another few weeks now I think before I can establish things but I am sleeping better and focusing better which is a game changer.

Also agree that it is not a label it is a diagnosis of something within us that we just need to hear in order to reconcile ourselves with ourselves and no it is not over diagnosed. There are no pills for autism so what would be the point in diagnosing a person with it? I cannot remember the poster and too tired to look back but as I said many times before, ignorance is far more prevalent than autism or its diagnosis ever will be.