At my breaking point - twins

[reallystruggling10]

I'm 29 with 2 month old twin boys, born end of October. DH works long hours in the city, leaves around 7.30 and doesn't get in until 6.30/7 in the evening. He also travels a lot. I'm from Australia so all my family are back there and DH's family are all in Denmark apart from his brother who has his own family.

They wake constantly throughout the night so me and DH are both not sleeping as we have one each. During the day they constantly want to be held which just isn't possible as I can only have one in the sling at a time. I barely leave the house, I can't get anything done so the house is a mess. Because I can't get them to stop crying, I'm crying. I've tried going on walks but they both hate the pram and so just scream all day. I don't get any time to myself.

As soon as they're in DH arms however they're angel babies, no crying. I feel like there's something wrong with me then. The only thing getting me through is the fact my DH has booked me a spa day next weekend, but then I feel guilty for leaving them.

Please tell me it gets better, I'm literally at my breaking point.

Twin mum here:

• join a twin group
• join Twins Trust and use their support
• make some twin mum mates if possible
• try to get out in the day
• go for lots of walks if possible - I know they hate the pram but they should get used to it, especially when they sit up more. Lots to see..
• I used to bath mine in the day, killed an hour
• I found breaking up day useful into manageable chunks
• if you can afford it, get some help... cleaner or someone to provide a bit of support. My twin group had people that could help

People have already given you great advice but just to add my twins are 10 now.. I've been where you are now when I literally fantasised about going to live in a travel lodge but it does get easier and although the early days are intense and exhausting, I now look at my friends with a gap between kids doing it all again and think "well we had a bonkers few.years but it's done now!" I remember waking up one morning when they were maybe 3 ish.and hearing them play together in their room after actually sleeping all night and thinking "Wow!" Hang in there.

My only other idea is local twins groups? Might be worth a try, someone will give you a cuppa and be able to understand

Other things

• they liked coming round with me whilst I did washing/cleaning. I just ended up chatting to them as I loaded washing machine. They actually enjoyed watching washing machine.
• loved blowing bubbles
• liked looking at books/sensory toys
• did a bit of tummy time
• they had a ball pool and had several chairs including a rocking/swing one. I did all feeds in feeding pillow or the bouncy chairs.
• at night me and husband took a kid each - we found feeds quicker that way.
• you are coming up to warmer weather and they will be a bit bigger and more fun very soon.
• when they could sit in chairs I even used to put coco melon on for 20 mins or so on tv to give me a few mins to sit down with a cuppa
• mine took every day nap in a pram. They wound not rest in cot at all... very annoying
• at night it look hours to settle them in cot. This went on for months. And we also had a three year old to put to bed. I'd do sleep training better if I did it again.
• a trip out to grab a coffee or to shop to get milk can kill an hour or two.

I found baby groups really hard in a way. I had a singleton before and found baby swimming and music classes so easy. But with twins it was vvv hard if not impossible. You can't swim with two.

Mine are nearly 6 and it gets so much better. It's brilliant and very special most of the time but boy those early days are hard!

My twins are now 13. They're a handful still but I promise you it does get easier.

Somebody one said to me 'the days are long but the years are short' and that's never more true than with twin babies!

Oh my god the days - and nights - feel so long, but this time will pass.

It's so so so so so frustrating when they are super calm for dad and not for you. This is NOT a failing on your part. You are the one they see all the time. The one food comes out of. You are probably also the stressed and tired one, so get DH to take them off you as much as possible so you can sleep!

We had sheepskin liners on a mountain buggy duet they seemed to like those and fall asleep in the buggy while I used to walk around town with a coffee sometimes I'd be lucky get them in the house and I could Zzzz on the sofa for 10 mins

Dummy - god send

Milk - have you tried swapping to a different formula - one needed hungry formula

Try getting a cleaner in that way house work is better - even if it's just bathrooms and kitchen

We had a flat bouncer things and watched peppa pig at times 😱 and I would lay down on the sofa from 5 am with a blanket

Can you turn your clocks around to follow the babies pattern

I used to go back to bed at 9:30 for a hr zzzz when they did.

I over bought of white sleep suits - cheap ones from Asda. So I only washed every 2/3 days and closed to door on washing and did mega wash and mega tumble as it was too much.

I bought enough bottles to do 24 hrs and then sterilise them in am. Those compartment things for milk I had 4 of those. (Infact I made my husband wash those and put in the boiled water so we was prepped)

Having a changing station upstairs and down stairs with nappies / wipes / baby grows

It's really hard - get your husband to pull his weight too - he has the easier position. Or may sure you leave the house on a w/e leave the twins with husband and take a hr or 2 for yourself something you enjoy walking the shops / gym / anything

Have you got any friends with babies the same age? That was my saving grace too

It's really hard when sleep deprived

Aww how nice that he has booked you a spa day.. you very much deserve it!

I don’t have twins but I had my second baby a few months ago and I’ve decided that the time between 2 and 3 months is the crucial bit where it’s really hard, they’ve started becoming more aware, they now know what they like, they’re awake for longer and they cry/SCREAM if they want something and can’t get it instantly. It’s also the point where I found it hardest to keep persisting with the routine of lying the baby down to sleep. They will scream and then the easiest thing to do is just pick them back up. It had gone well with number 1 so I just tried to be in a good routine with number 2 as well but I didn’t actually bother reading any of the books or anything again. I stuck to the wake windows that the baby should have during the day to avoid them getting overtired and no matter how much on-off crying there was I kept going with the lying them down to sleep thing. I then progressed to lying them down for a nap too and there was always more resistance with this one but within a month or two I can now just lie my baby down for a sleep and 9 times out of 10 she will go to sleep (as long as it’s a time she should be tired).

I think twins must be a different ball game altogether but if you can really stick with it for the next month I swear at 4 months it does get easier! It totally depends what you want to do though and how you want to parent. I personally didn’t do the carrying them round too much or having them in a sling as I just felt that would do the opposite of what I was trying to achieve at night time when I wanted to put her in to a flat boring crib on her own. Lots of people want to do that though and I can totally see why (they’re only little for a tiny amount of time) but I just tried to focus on routine routine routine and we majorly turned a corner as we got to 4 months! Good luck

Mum of triplets here. Lots good advice on here.

Nanny/mothers help for a few hours/day a week

Go to playgroups- breaks up the day and gives you a support network also twins groups

Email local college to offer work experience- I had 3 x students for a couple weeks each

Do what you need to survive

Cleaner if you can afford it

Both do night feeds

It will get better x x

Blimey, don't feel bad about this!! Breastfeeding twins is really really tough, even for the experienced.

I mixed-fed my twins (breast and formula).
But I had previous breastfeeding experience (with three babies). Without this, there's no way I could have breastfed my twins at all.

Twin mum here, although mine are now 18! If you can, time to throw a bit of money at the problem. I had a “mother’s help” from an agency at that stage - a couple of hours a day, a few days a week. She would take the babies out in their pram for an hour while I slept, give a bottle, put a wash on etc. it made a massive difference. Mine was a student and not especially expensive IIRC. It was like having a grown up substitute daughter who would do what I asked and was massively helpful. Tamba is also helpful as you will meet other twin mums who have been /are going through the mill. You will get through it. I would prioritise getting out as it’s good for you and them - good luck 🍀

I remember how difficult those times were with my twins.
I was so incredibly tired and lonely. The way I got through it was keeping things as simple as possible and lowering expectations.
Buy equipment that helps you. You can buy secondhand and sell on afterwards. Use bouncers, chairs. Mats , toys, whatever works for them
Join a twins club- everyone there understands and can give advice
Sometimes I would put the twins to bed and have a sleep myself but it was hard to coordinate them sleeping at the same time. Instead I would drive to a pub car park that was long enough journey for both twins to fall asleep a couple of miles away then I would sleep in the front of the car. I used to take a blanket and a pillow.
I also had a childcare college student for a few months who needed experience with babies- get in touch with your local college
Do things your way that work for you.
It does get easier as you find what works best for you.
The spring and summer will be easier too hopefully as nights are so long right now.
Take care of yourself- you sound like a lovely mum who is trying hard to do her best. You will get through this period xxx

Hi OP my friend with twins relied heavily on TAMBA for support when they were small and I know that there are twin clubs in South Manchester and Stockport. Don't suffer on your own it sounds so hard but things seem impossible when you can't sleep and this really intense bit will pass, they're so tiny still.

Thank you so much for the lovely messages! Going to use all these tips! I've actually found there is loads of twin groups in my area which I can't believe I hadn't heard of before. DH said he'd handle finding some help so I'll tell him about these colleges on here and some of the other resources. Coincidentally today me and DH were walking down our street (twins screaming in the pram as usual) and met a lovely lady who lives on our street. Started chatting and she's offered to come and help me! It's like the mumsnet gods have sent her. I wanted to cry!!! I think she's recently retired and her children live down south so I think feeling slightly lonely because I don't think she has a husband/partner either. She's coming Monday and I CANNOT WAIT!! Also found some swings/rockers on marketplace which I'll get DH to pick up, no point buying new as most are near/over £100. Found some for under £20 which are practically brand new.

That’s such a brilliant update! Hope things improve quickly for you with lovely neighbour, twin groups and swings

You're completely right about the bouncy chairs, OP. People use them for three months and then sell them on, so don't buy new!

They're an excellent purchase secondhand. Just being able to see you can make all the difference to one twin while you take care of the second baby's more urgent needs.

Have you got a home start in your area? You can self refer for support. They assign you a volunteer. Some volunteers are better than others but they can come in once a week and help with whatever you need and provide support. I hear having twin babies is tough and bet you’re doing an amazing job. I’m told it does get better!

Another thing. Pre-mixed formula!

If you are trying to bottle-feed two hungry babies on your own, you do not have the hands to be mixing formula from powder form. It's more expensive, but just a few cartons a week could take some stress out of the most awkward feeds.

I’m sorry. I’ve not read all of the posts, only yours OP, but has anyone mentioned Koala Slings?

It’s a sling library based in kendal, but she does postal hires so would be able to post slings to you if you’re not local. They have a range of twin slings and the owner is a twin mum so might also be able to offer personal advice / experience.

https://koalaslings.co.uk/collections/sling-library

Bless you. Massive hug - if you were closer I would come over and help you! I have 2yo twins and the newborn/early stage is so bloody hard! Sounds like you're doing amazingly to be managing them on your own at all. It is really a 2 person job and can make you feel shit when you can't give them everything they need... plus neglecting yourself at the same time!

Defo agree with get some paid help - well worth the money
Or there is 'homestart' google it - a volunteer who can come round and take them out or just watch them while you shower, help you get out shopping etc
Join your local twins group for support. Other people will understand the difficulties!
If they are constantly crying and you're worried have you thought about taking them to the gp to make sure they dont have reflux - they will always be happy to check them out. But babies just cry a lot anyway.

Basically hang in there! It does get easier! Xxx

Ah this is brill about your neighbour helping. Godsend!!

oh op im so happy you met that lady on your walk even somebody about it's company rather than you alone all day

like i said if your in the dorset area i would be very happy to help you

I just wanted to offer my sympathies and to tell you you’re doing an amazing job. I had one (relatively) easy baby to look after and even I found it incredibly difficult, my house was a mess, I was a mess. This must be such an exhausting and emotionally challenging time, however it will pass before you know it. Hold in there. It will get easier.

Maybe consider contacting your health visitor for support and to see if there’s any additional help that can be offered?

Oh my goodness that sounds SO tough! are you able to get out much at all? I remember even with one baby I had to massively lower my expectations and accept one achievement a day, whatever that is.

Do you know anyone else? Could you go on an app like Peanut and meet other twin mums?

I know this may not help now, but look at them....

They are wonderful and healthy thanks to you
They did not ask to be born together and cause such stress
Think of the blessing when this passes and they have each other, and you

I remember years ago meeting a couple as we packed our shopping at the boot of our car and they called their twins something like the little fuckers. I felt so sad for those children ( not saying your anything like this, just the feeling which can seem to others)....
Eventually you will be ok, and these gorgeous little guys will be such happy lovely kids, your kids!

This is a great update!!!

Btw +1 on @IMightMentionGriddlebone suggestion on ready made formula.
My when my DD was under 4m I found it amazing as they don't drink much it's way quicker and critically it gave her WAY less wind. We used premade exclusively in evenings /night.

Once she could burp herself we switched fully to powder

Can't help with advice but I will say you have a lovely husband. That's so sweet of him to do that for you