At my breaking point - twins

[reallystruggling10]

I'm 29 with 2 month old twin boys, born end of October. DH works long hours in the city, leaves around 7.30 and doesn't get in until 6.30/7 in the evening. He also travels a lot. I'm from Australia so all my family are back there and DH's family are all in Denmark apart from his brother who has his own family.

They wake constantly throughout the night so me and DH are both not sleeping as we have one each. During the day they constantly want to be held which just isn't possible as I can only have one in the sling at a time. I barely leave the house, I can't get anything done so the house is a mess. Because I can't get them to stop crying, I'm crying. I've tried going on walks but they both hate the pram and so just scream all day. I don't get any time to myself.

As soon as they're in DH arms however they're angel babies, no crying. I feel like there's something wrong with me then. The only thing getting me through is the fact my DH has booked me a spa day next weekend, but then I feel guilty for leaving them.

Please tell me it gets better, I'm literally at my breaking point.

I have twins. I know how even the slightest problem in life is so much more easily dealt with if you've had some sleep. It's torture when you're feeling how you are.
Please give twinstrust.org a look and give them a ring. They can really help you.

You need more help than you're getting. You're doing a brilliant job of keeping them alive but I don't think anyone who hasn't had twins or multiples can understand how tough and lonely it is. I was fortunate that a twin group was near me, so I got to meet up with twin mums for a cuppa once a week with people who understood and had top tips. Ask your health visitor if they're aware of such a thing locally or even virtually. Actively seek out support and be honest. If people ask how you are, tell them truthfully. Just a chat, a coffee, a walk or whatever will make you feel better.

And sleep. Please!!!! The world is a much kinder place with sleep. If you can get them on the same nap schedule, join them. Take them out in the pushchair and rush home as soon as they drop off. When your husband is home at the weekends, schedule some sleep. As much as possible. Holding a baby, going out for coffee, whatever. My gym had a crèche so I got an hour off once a week and it was a life saver.

I'm sending you so much love. It does get better, it really does but it is so tough right now.

You've had loads of good advice and solidarity on here, and I hope you can take the bits that feel most helpful. Just wanted to echo the support and reassurance that it gets better. My twins are 16 now, and our day-to-day isn't without its challenges (as well as a great deal of joys), but the bit where they were little babies was the hardest thing I've ever done.

The thing that stood out about what you are doing is the taking a baby each at night. I would really try to prioritise sleep for you both - DH and I used to take it in turns to sleep in the spare room - he got two nights a week (new, stressful job) and I got one and we only disturbed each other in times of dire need. (I did it once, when I felt like I literally couldn't stand to be in the room with the screaming baby any more and I was frightened by the intensity of my own reaction.)

Take/Buy the help you can, and think about what you actually want. My (lovely) in-laws would always assume that I wanted help with the house so I could spend time with the babies and actually I craved a bit of space and was quite happy to clean the bathroom for a break. It's OK to ask for what you need.

Mostly, just hang in there. It's bloody difficult, but you can do it. You're doing it.

Hi OP,
I could have written this myself. I too,
Have no family in the UK and DH family have zero interest.
My twins are 2 now. I began to see light at the end of the tunnel at around month 4/5. They become a little more interactive and they slept a little more through the night.
What you feel is absolutely normal!
Nobody understands unless they have had twins also x

3.5 year old twins here. I PROMISE it gets better (so much so we had another baby..!).

We had one twin each at night too. Can you get a twin sling? I didn’t but the weego and minimonkey are always recommended.

Can you afford any help even for a couple of hours? Lower your expectation. At this point I was sitting at home, feeding, changing, cuddling and a little bit of toys on a mat.

Have you joined your local twin group? If you are anywhere near Bromley please join ours. Mums of older twins often volunteer to visit/ sit with baby twins while mum has a shower, nap etc and I (along with others in the group) would be happy to do this for you.

Keep going. Honestly it will get better.

Invest in a joie serina 2 in 1 swing- I only bought it with my third, don’t know how I survived having babies without it! It’s amazing, rocks them to sleep, can be wheeled about and you can use batteries instead of the mains power if you need to move to another room. The seats also detach so they are like bouncer chairs. Just remember- this too shall pass, but for now I’m a firm believer in throwing money at the problem and trying things to make your life easier!

My twins are now 20 but I still remember the horror of the first 18 months. I was so exhausted that I once fell asleep while walking them and pushing the pram, fortunately we just walked gently into a wall.

Some suggestions that helped me:

Establish a loose routine to break up the day into bite size chunks. Start the day when they wake up with their first feed then you all get washed and dressed, curtains open etc. Then after their 7pm bottle it was pyjamas, quiet, and curtains closed for the night.

Go out for a walk everyday, even if they cry at first they will settle eventually and the fresh air will do you good.

Make your life easier eg mine lived in babygros rather than fussy clothes, set up a changing station upstairs and downstairs, have a bin and laundry basket next to where you change them. Ready meals, disposable everything.

Keep music / CBeebies on to keep them and you company.

Good luck x

8 weeks with my DTs was when I marvelled at my body because my brain said ‘no, I’m so tired I’m going to die’ and my body just kept on giving. I remember it like it was yesterday!

Things that helped make it ‘easier’:

two baby swings, strap them in, let ‘em sway,
keep them on the same routine, eat/sleep/change together,
euan the dream sheep (lifesaver for me),
dummies,
twin group. This was a massive one, just being around people who knew rather than other mums of singletons because I always felt ‘othered’ and jealous of their giving their pfb all this love and adoration whilst I’m wrangling two and people stare at me feeding them both.

I never had one, but there are twin swings that hold both babies on your chest which might be worth a go.

It’s a truly shit time, utterly relentless and so isolating. I promise it does get better, it’s just a case for now of hunkering down and keep on one bottle/nappy/day at a time.

Overnight even easier than sleepsuits/babygros are sleeping gowns, no poppers and fit forever.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Simple-Joys-Carters-Nightgown-Stripe/dp/B07Y2JDW45/ref=ascdff_B07Y2JDW45/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=427956554372&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9525756262578815305&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006854&hvtargid=pla-890198363435&psc=1&mcid=787c144a803738f998c3cb13befbc252&th=1&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=102218952409&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=427956554372&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9525756262578815305&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006854&hvtargid=pla-890198363435

I can only suggest what we did in a similar situation with bottle-fed twins. We took it in turns to sleep. I went to bed at 9pm and slept till 3am and then fed them together. Dh stayed up until 11pm fed them and then slept till 7. Honestly, it saved my sanity to feed them together!! We both started getting enough sleep and the impossible became achievable. It will get better, I promise.

Oh god it sounds so so stressful!!

My friend had twins and I can say the newborn/baby phase was so hard for her. We had babies at the same time and you could just tell it was so much harder!

She introduced a controlled sleep routine really early, and had them in their own room earliar than most. But it seemed more about survival than anything

I will say now they are toddlers it’s totally the reverse! They entertain eachother for hours and have this beautiful relationship with eachother I just can’t help but be jealous off. The rest of us are constantly ‘entertaining’ our little ones and stressing about them making friends - so it will get easiar!! Just do what you can to get through this difficult period.

Twin granny here. So sorry you have no family support in the UK as I know my daughter and son in law struggled so much in the early months (in lockdown too) and were beyond grateful for help. Like others have said, please prioritise
paying for whatever help you need at this stage and take every short cut you can. My daughter's mantra was that as long as everyone was alive and fed by the end of the day she was winning! Tesco and Amazon deliveries were invaluable as were baby bouncers.

Also strongly recommend finding the local twins club as being able to talk to, or message (at all hours) other twin mums who really know what it's like is such a help. Although it may be a struggle to get out at this stage, twins club play sessions are great for meeting other twin mums and sharing problems and suggestions as they have all been there and are happy to help.

You are doing a great job and it will get easier once they sleep better.

It’s so so hard. So fucking hard. Mine are past two now and sanity is starting to prevail. I’d say:

really focus on getting them into the same routine. If one wakes for a feed, wake the other.

Get out daily. Go for a walk, wrap them up warm and listen to a podcast or whatever.

Call Homestart, they often have volunteers for twins and multiples.

if you can, spend money on a night nanny, daytime help so you can sleep, a teenager to walk them around for an hour, anything. Unless you are actually going into debt do it. Your wellbeing matters.

if you’re anywhere near south London I’m happy to take them for a walk for you.

yes it definitely gets easier. Mine are 15 years old now and I remember the early months. If you google ‘twins groups Manchester’, you will find several. This is the route to sanity, support, and lovely friends. Do as many things as you can think of to make life easier… lots of suggestions on this thread, like ready prepared formula, nights off, etc. I wish I had been confident enough to avoid comparing myself with mothers of singletons. I always felt as if I wasn’t doing enough. So try not to compare! Totally agree with everyone saying get as much help as you can 😊

Would add, please don’t compare yourself / your babies to singletons and their parents. It’s a mug’s game x

I had twin girls and a 3 year old. Never all asleep at same time! M
My husband called it a baby hotel.... BUT it didn't last forever. Once they got teeth and started eating lots they were happy to go to bed most nights... the bit you're doing is intense, there will be other challenges along the way but you'll do it. Try a parent and child group or a take my baby/ babies walking group. You'll get the " my baby slept from 6-8 from day one but you will get more who are just as bonkers as you are feeling x

I'm pretty sure places like the Norland Nanny college (now Uni?) in Bath are always looking for placements for their students. Might be worth contacting them for an extra pair of hands.

It will get better over time. It's a big change for you as well. Ours are teens now.
I used to go out for long walks with them in the buggy. I walked miles around the town to get fresh air. We also had a cleaner so less housework there too. Change bag was always ready and attached to buggy frame the night before. DH would have all the bottles sterilised, filled with water and all the formula pots measured out every night when he came home.

I would also add to sleep train your twins as soon as they are old enough.

I'm a single parent to twins and an older child. I couldn't afford night nurses or any of that / which let's be honest is out of financial reach of most normal people's income 😂

These early weeks you just have to get through

They are easier for your husband because they know they don't get anything from him 😂 you are the provider of food, comfort and nappy changes

I didn't use slings with mine - also exclusively breastfeeding - I was happy to just have lots of sofa and Netflix times and caught up on other jobs like 10 years worth of photo albums. Took 10 mins to sling a couple of washes in the washing machine or dryer - and yes I would leave them to cry for a few minutes if I had to

It gets better.

i know it might not seem like it now but one day it will. My twins are 8 now & i had a lot of tears in the first year as i also had a 4 year old and like you i had no help either (my parents and grandparents are dead and my husbands live away) he was out 10 hours sometimes more & i really struggled and when he was home he had to get up in the night even with working so much as i was exhausted and like you we had one each. Mine both had reflux and were on meds so would cry / scream and be sick a lot and i had to sit them up after feeds and could never feed them in a routine at the same time as they were fussy. My son slept through about 14 months and my daughter was 2.5. You are 2 months in so it may get harder before it gets easier but one day it will.

See if you have a twins club (multiple birth club) near you. My friend found it very helpful. Not sure if it’s a thing wider than locally to us.

I remember Googling if social services offered respite care for twins one night. It is so hard. My husband was doing 6 days a week so it was just me, and it's so much harder to get anyone to help when there are two.

I'll echo what all the other twin mums have said. Divide and conquer. I used to go to bed at 6 pm when their dad got in and get a few power hours in.. Then I wod take over the night shift, sleeping on the couch with two Moses baskets beside me. Any sleep was a bonus, but they few hours in the eve saw me through.. I watched a lot of weird TV at 2 / 3 / 4am.

Mine are 10 now. It is a breeze because they amuse each other. It's been easier than a singleton since they could walk and since they were out of nappies. Hang in there. Before you know it, you will be posting to another twin mum while your boys are peacefully playing together upstairs 😊

Are you in London? Look up Sheen Slings and ask for a consultation for double slings. Get a nanny part time, join a twins club. Look up cozy baby sleep on insta - she helps with sleep teaching. It gets easier!!

op twin mum here but they are adults if your in the Dorset area im more than happy to visit you and give you a break x

I would too actually. My twin girls would love helping with twin babies. Let us know where you are and we can offer some twin solidarity 🙋‍♀️ I am in West Yorks.