At my breaking point - twins

[reallystruggling10]

I'm 29 with 2 month old twin boys, born end of October. DH works long hours in the city, leaves around 7.30 and doesn't get in until 6.30/7 in the evening. He also travels a lot. I'm from Australia so all my family are back there and DH's family are all in Denmark apart from his brother who has his own family.

They wake constantly throughout the night so me and DH are both not sleeping as we have one each. During the day they constantly want to be held which just isn't possible as I can only have one in the sling at a time. I barely leave the house, I can't get anything done so the house is a mess. Because I can't get them to stop crying, I'm crying. I've tried going on walks but they both hate the pram and so just scream all day. I don't get any time to myself.

As soon as they're in DH arms however they're angel babies, no crying. I feel like there's something wrong with me then. The only thing getting me through is the fact my DH has booked me a spa day next weekend, but then I feel guilty for leaving them.

Please tell me it gets better, I'm literally at my breaking point.

Get a cleaner, for the love of everything.

Things will be easier in as little as a month, but currently, they are tiny, tiny babies who want to be held all the time. So get the cleaner!

Set up some sort of nest in front of the tv for yourself and the babies, and figure out how to hold them both at once. I had a complicated arrangement using a breastfeeding cushion and several pillows, which meant I could cuddle two babies at once while watching a Friends box set. Figure out what will work for you.

Thanks for all the lovely comments, I’m sat here crying! All the comments saying it will get better are so reassuring.

I think I am definitely going to look for some help even if only for a couple of days a week. Possibly a nanny as I feel they are a tad too young for nursery. If anyone knows of any good nannies/where to look for one that would be great. We’re currently in Manchester.

My mum is coming from Australia to stay with us for a month in March-April time so it will be really helpful to have her around but hopefully things will have improved by then!

Been there. Genuinely thought i was going mad. Sleep deprivation is the worst

Things I did

1. All went back to sleep at 9am for an hour nap ( if twins up at 6am) . I put them in travel cots / moses baskets next to me and they would settle if they could see me.

1. Tomme tipped machine upstairs and downstairs

1. Found a baby group and forced myself to go. Everyday. The women I met there are now my closest friends. The babies

1. Ordered in everything. Food / clothes . Did the easiest meals I could using a slow cooker

1. Found CBeebies / kids tv on YouTube they would both watch it for 20 mins whilst I could make a drink just tidy up

1. Hired a cleaner

1. Saw the dr as I had the most terrible PND

1. Ignored mell weaning advice if it made me feel terrible

My eldest never could go in the pram, he had silent reflux and screamed. I used to put the car seat into the base and walk around that way. He had to be upright, once big enough for a buggy it was fine.

When I had twins I used this system again, the grumpier twin on a front sling and other upright in the car seat, not that we ever went anywhere! Sometimes I would go to a large shopping centre and just walk around indoors, it would take about 2 hours to get organised to go but mentally worth it.

OP this is a horrifically difficult time. At minimum get a cleaner. There is a thing called a mother's helper where people help new mums for a few weeks. I had one for 2 mornings a week, it was only a 4 week period and I wish we had more cash at the time but it was amazing, just having someone to sit there while you rest or help while you get dressed.

I had no one either. Its awful, truly awful. But when they can sit with support and they look across at each other and burst out laughing in baby chuckles it's the most beautiful thing in the world. It will come, I promise.

I’m not breastfeeding because it just didn’t work for them or me but does that cause them to cry more because they want food off me but obviously they can’t get it from me. It might all be in my head as I feel guilty about not being able to breastfeed them.

Also bought a jumparoo for when they can start to hold their own head up and hey loved it

This is the hardest time ever. Honestly it will pass.

My twins are currently fighting upstairs over FIFA 🙄

I'm glad your mother is coming! But you need some help now otherwise you will be on your knees by March. Two months old is honestly the worst part.

Hi , I am no so sorry that you are rightly finding it tough . It will get better and you just have to get through this really difficult bit . I am a fellow twin mum and I can't imagine starting with twins as I got to "practice " on my first child , before having twins .So you are doing a great job . Being a first time Mum is difficult , but doubly so with twins .

As others have said you have to find some help and if you can buy in a part -time nanny , nursery hours , or home start etc . My lot all loved bouncy chairs , one loved a dummy . You just have to try and see what may work for you .

Housework will also need to go to the bottom of the list . Again if you can afford it , get in a cleaner . Also think just now of what you else you can do to make life easier , supermarket deliveries / takeaways / ready meals .

I also used baby Einstein videos and CBeebies -In the Night Garden was a favourite .

You will also have a health visitor who may be able to come up with some suggestions locally for you . I appreciate that some are better than others -I had two lovely ones .

I also know for some families who didn't have local family support that they used FaceTime etc with the baby with overseas family members .This meant that the Mum could grab a quick shower and the family member would phone if the baby started crying etc . Something that may help when your two are a bit older . I also used to take my baby/ babies through in bouncy chairs to the bathroom whilst I grabbed a shower .

Do anything that works for you to get some sleep when you can . Sleep when the twins are asleep , get your husband to take over when he comes in .I also kept my twins together in the same room and either myself or my husband was on baby duty , rather than us getting one each .
Take care

Also - I know it is really hard . You are doing the best you can - so try and not beat yourself up and feel guilty about not breastfeeding etc . I wasted so much time trying to increase my supply and did some mixed feeding for a while - pumping and bottles . I wish someone had told me to let go of the guilt and just do what works for you and your babies . I also had a really good twins feeding cushion that I attached to myself and was able to bottle feed both at the same time .xxx

Hi, sorry I shouldn’t have assumed you were breastfeeding.
i think because you are understandably very tired and overstretched you are worrying about your babies crying. But this is very early days, plenty of babies at two months have unsettled crying spells and this will improve I’m sure as they get older.

@reallystruggling10

you are doing incredibly well, don't doubt yourself.

about 14 years ago I replied to an avert on childcare.com. The Mum wanted some help with her twin boys. I was doing short term positions at the time (personal reasons) so I contacted her. She had had an operation & was unable to lift anything, including the two babies.

thankfully we got on really really well and I spent about 6 months practically living there. Our solutions were different to yours, but if you can afford it you can get someone through childcare.com to help.

the 'Twins Club' was great fun, lots of little 'pairs' & mums still coming once their kids started reception.

i did some nights for them & it was hard on my own, but you find a way & accept that sometimes one just has to grizzle while you sort the other one out!!

It really does get better. My twins are 18 now! I bottle fed mine and did this simultaneously with them in bouncy chairs or propped up on pillows (often with my toddler sitting in my lap at the same time..). If I was cuddling one, I would use my foot to bounce the other one in the chair. I had help from Home Start - a volunteer to our house and later a play group- and employed a young ‘mother’s help’ a couple of mornings a week.

Could your husband take a week or 2 off work to help?
We also did a night on/night off system, but my DH’s work was understanding and flexible at the time.

just try to get through each day, but please contact your HV/GP if you think you have PND. I didn’t do this until they were over a year old and wish I’d done it sooner.

The one thing that saved me when my daughter was the same age and used to get very unsettled at the toddler's bathtime, when I needed both my hands, was a battery-operated swing. Would something like this help to keep one soothed while you deal with the other? Or two swings? Just to buy you longer snatches of time to make a drink and have a shower or feel human?

The early months of twins was frankly awful for me.
I used to feel sympathy when people said that they were pregnant.
Things that helped me were:
Getting a cleaner.
Getting a clear routine established, so tandem bottle feeding dc as they sat in their bouncers. Nap time together in the same cot.
I couldn't cope with trying to manage a night nanny but actually it could of helped so if it is a possibility then go for it.
I mentally split my days into quarters because I couldn't face a whole day at a time, and just focused on getting through each quarter.
DH made he lunch and left it in the fridge so I could eat.
We bought pre made formula so I didn't have to make it up.
Make sure you take time to shower and put on clean clothes.
It does get better.

. I also used to take my baby/ babies through in bouncy chairs to the bathroom whilst I grabbed a shower

I also did this and if I had my time again I wouldn't.
I would leave them safe and secure in their bedroom. They won't melt if they cry or are out of my sight for five minutes.

I also wouldn't bother pumping at all hours for months, another high stress activity that I shouldn't have started.

I did all the night waking and honestly wasn't thinking straight. Don't make your life harder than it needs to be.

I really feel for you, I remember how hard the first couple of months with my eldest were, and that was without dealing with twins. Please don’t beat yourself up about anything, and get some support in whatever way works best for you - Homestart, childcare student, nanny. Do you have any local friends? I know I would happily help for a few hours if you were my friend, please don’t be afraid to tell people you are finding it hard.

Also can you find any baby or toddler groups (for your benefit rather than the babies!) - it would help to break up the day and meet others

It will all get easier as they get older, it feels like forever as you go through it, but it really will pass.

Have you got “home start” locally to you? A lot of myTwin mum friends had a volunteer a morning a week, to help them get out/get things done.. def worth investigating.

baby twins are exhausting, incredible but exhausting! It definitely gets better, ours are 6 now and just gorgeous.

Things that helped; twin mum friends (we would go to each others houses and help each other juggle all our babies) a cleaner, internet shopping xx

Colleges often are looking for placements for their students, contact local ones.

I put mine in nursery at 3 and 4 months and went back to work pt. If you can afford and don't fancy the rtw, just do the nursery part. Three days to yourself every week. It will save you.
Twenty years on and never a single regret. All bonded just fine.

Pop them into nursey for a bit-they won't know and honestly your welfare is super important right now.

Re breastfeeding, pfft, it's not the be all and end all. My sibling wasn't BF and he's got a PhD in physics.

OP I haven't got twins but things got sooooo much easier for me from 10 weeks onwards. Hang in there

It is really hard, I’ve been there. Mine were born similar time of year and I found it so hard to get out, and found myself really isolated. My advice is to get out as much as you can. You can get a twin sling, maybe worth speaking with a sling library to see if they can help? Also second the recommendation of contacting home start. Do they have dummies? I found it essential with the crying when mine were tiny. Even if only for a short time, force yourself out for a walk. I also found a very friendly baby group, daunting with two but I started going when they were 4 months and it was so good for my mental health. It does get easier I promise.

If you have the space maybe try for an aupair which is what we did when our twins were young.
The birth process itself can be very physical on children - if you can afford it find a crancial oesto with training in babies and I promise you you will have calmer children.
Our's were prem and my milk did not come in - I saved time by sitting on the floor crossed legged and putting each twin in the crook of each knee and with both hands holding bottles feeding them.
Mine also lived in those Bond babygrows - got strange looks at baby classes but it was the easiest way to transition to and from sleeping.

I found just one newborn bloody hard work so well done to all twin parents 👏🏻

Definiely look into vibration and/or swinging chairs. We had a vibrating one which was a Godsend but the swing ones look fab. I guess babies don't like to be still which is why we always rock when holding a baby.

I agree if you can afford some help,and because you're bottle feeding this will make it easier too as anyone can feed the baby. A private nanny or a 'mother's help'.

And if you can really afford it get a night nanny for sure!

Please don't feel bad about ANYTHING. You have two tiny newborns,a family miles away and virtually no sleep. I was in tears many times at your stage!

It will be amazing when your Mum comes over x

Can you do shifts overnight - one parent in a room with both twins, the other sleeping in spare room?

Might help you both get a little more sleep