"but she's your mum!..." Dysfunctional families

[HiHiHey]

I grew up in a dysfuntional household, resulting in comlicated (low contact) family relationships to this day .
I want to preffice this by saying that at my current state after lots of years of therapy/work I can deal 'well' with my situation. I'm don't want to sound like I don't think people should discuss/express their good relationships with their families, or paint myself as a victim

However, here's a few things that I have experienced/ found difficult:

• I had a 'friend' at secondary school who outcast me from a friendship group because 'there must be something wrong with me I cant get on with my mum'
• I have traveled solo a lot since I was 19, often the first question I get when discussing it is 'are your parents okay with that?'
• Events/times of the year when there's an expectation of family closeness are stressfull and can be upsetting. I have been quized about why i'm not visiting 'home' on christmas etc.
• with some aquaintences/ colleagues people I've tried to get closer with, upon discussing some of the very surface levels of my struggles I'll get met with things like "but she's your mum she loves you..." or "all families fight sometimes..." , "you only have one mum/dad..."
• I see things like this a lot in the media as well, on here, other sm platforms, tv etc... people being at best misunderstood, at worst judged for their 'decission' to have no/little relationship with family members

Lots of these experiences are with people i don't know too well, and while I do have close friends who know and understand my experiences, I'm not comfortable/willing/don't want to explain the ins and outs of my traumatic history.
I also understand that, for the most part, lots of these interactions come from a good place, people trying to empathise etc, but I cant say they hevent been dificult to deal with in the past. Nor do I blame people for reacting in these ways per se, I think we'er taught to assume people have 'normal' family relationships.
Navigating life when you come from a dysfuntional family is hard, and this isn't helped by the fact that others often don't posess the tools and awarness of that, or make assumptions that most people have a 'normal' family.

Does anyone else feel the same way/had similar experiences when they've disclosed complicated family relationships?

My mother was a nasty alcoholic, so I've heard it all. However, all the "she's your mother, blood is thicker than water" weasels all kept quiet and away when she drank herself to death, because on some level they knew my relationship with her was not the same as their relationships with their mothers.

Interesting isn't it, that people come out with sweeping statements about how things 'should' be based on absolutely no understanding of your situation, how could they know though, I guess. We want to believe in the idea of strong family ties and good relationships but the reality as you unfortunately know is that this isn't always the case. I don't make sweeping statements like this anymore and bristle slightly when others do as for the most part they are nonsense and based on fairytale ideas. Good luck to you and it sounds like you have done what you needed to do.

You could try posting this on the stately home’s December thread - lots of experience there dealing with toxic families

You can say “my mother is no longer with us” cutting all the discussion.

People with normal upbringing don’t have a clue how it is to have dysfunctional or abusive parent and that’s how they trot off these lines.

I have no relationship with my mother and haven’t since I was 14 and I’ve heard all the comments.

People just don’t get it. Mothers are supposed to be the primary attachment and for most of them, walking away from their mother is like cutting off a limb, they don’t understand why you would do it. They cannot imagine a situation where that relationship is so poisonous you don’t have a choice and in truth they don’t want to.

I’ve been lucky, my best friend works with looked after children, so does “get it”. It’s hard when nobody understands.

I also come from a dysfunctional family. Both parents drank/were alcoholics and weren't nurturing. Alcoholic father, who died suddenly. Parents went through extremely bitter divorce prior to his death. It transpired that he was gay and had a whole other life, inc house. Mother was pretty self absorbed. My sister is no contact and a terminally ill alcoholic. I see my mother regularly. She can be extremely hard work and is not an easy person. She can be controlling and domineering. There is no doubt that she loves us and my children, but sometimes her actions run counter to that. She is very reactive and defensive but she is good with my kids. She will never change. But I have changed. I recognise her limitations which are as a result of her own upbringing. I wouldn't go low contact or no contact with her because it would be very upsetting for her. It also wouldn't teach my children how to deal tricky relationships if I went nc. She has taught me valuable lessons in how I don't wish to parent my children. I take and learn from the good and bad bits.

My sister cut me out of her life for reasons unknown. No argument. Nothing. I know how much it hurts to be on the receiving end and for the most part, think that going NC can be very cruel and is not a productive way of dealing with relationships. It often just continues the same cycle for future generations. Being low contact and setting boundaries is better in my view.

I do think, however, that people should make an effort to see family over Christmas or on special occasions in most cases. So, despite coming from a dysfunctional family myself, I do ensure that we're together over Christmas, and I'm sorry to say, that I probably would judge someone who was NC with family or who didn't see them at Christmas. I would see them as being partially to blame for their poor relationship with their parents. I wouldn't see it as just their problem though. It would be obvious that both sides of the family struggled with relationships.

Yes it's very difficult. I mostly manage ok now (it's been 8 years no contact with my mum) but occasionally things catch you.

I mostly talk about her in the past tense (if I ever do!) and someone at work asked me when she had died. That was a weird feeling and hard to explain.

Must people seem to think you should want to 'fix' things, but that's just not what's for the best for me or my family.

I couldn't spend time with my parents I few hours in their company would take me weeks to get over and get my mental health back to a stable place.

I have CPTSD and my available for my DC was a priority over playing happy families. I wish it had been different, I wish I could have been resilient enough to spend time in their company.

I get it. I've heard this a few times, but It doesn't get to me because I know that the people judging me, incl some aunts and uncles, if their adult children came to them and asked to be heard, they wouldn't behave in the way that my mother has behaved. I only really came to understand the family dynamics when I was in my forties. I knew that I felt quite powerless to be heard at times, and I always dealt with the uncomfortable feelings by caving, apologising, returning to heal, ''deciding'' not to do what I had decided to do.. I only really saw the dynamics in all their carved in stone glory when I finally tried to insist that I be allowed communicate something very important to my mother. She was equally determined that I not be heard and it was the same old dismissiveness, defensiveness, denial, shaming, smearing, blaming, excluding, months of her cold shoulder but yet, the iron clad belief that she was the victim of me. So although I some people will judge me for the estrangement with my mother, ie, not going back to her to ''apologise'' for upsetting her (fgs), they do not know that for years and years and years, she projected on to me the precise flaws I had to have in order for her to hide from her own shortcomings.

I stay off the stately homes thread now because people are in different stages of realisation and recovery. Also there can be people venting about abusive mothers in law and while I have a lot of sympathy for people in that situation it's not the same because it wasn't your sense of self that was eroded, or conditioned not to stand up for yourself. It's a different path to tread.

Every situation is different, with similarities. There is no one magic thread.

Yes OP I do. It's hard to know how to respond when people in work assume you are seeing family at Christmas. In my current office I've been upfront and said I had a difficult family that I don't see so people have noted that and I'm not generally asked about family now.

There is a stigma to not being in contact with family although it's more common than I realised.

People seem to like me and get on with me in work and outside work. All I can do is be the best person I can be. It is a bit lonely without a family network though but I have a nice family of my own and I'm getting to the stage when most people have lost both parents due to old age. It's sad though but I've accepted it. Good luck OP

People with normal families don’t and can’t understand. Be happy for them that they don’t understand - as you know it’s not nasty behavior, just blissful ignorance.

I understand you and don’t judge. 💐

@Thecatmaster i can’t believe your response. You come from an extremely dysfunctional family yet you’d judge those who are no contact with theirs? Sorry but your prolonged contact with your mother doesn’t make you better than those who have cut contact. All it tells me is you’re still damaged by your parents behaviour and you have poor boundaries. Your behaviour tells your children it’s fine to keep danger individuals around you despite what they’ve done to you because they’re family. A very poor lesson imo

I am very low contact with my Dad. It's much better for my personal happiness this way and I don't feel any responsibility for how he might feel about that.
If he chose to be honest with himself he knows why. But that's tricky for a narcissist.
I have occasionally encountered the 'but faaamily' line but I don't waste my energy with long explanations - just something like 'i have my reasons '. If anyone persists with asking why I will offer a few examples - that's usually enough to get understanding and often sympathy..
But I think people with good relationships with their parents etc are horrified and rightly so - you do sometimes just have to redirect people to the reasons. Most people who are NC or LC are protecting themselves not trying to be cruel.
Mine has messaged me to ask to meet up this year. I've seen him twice in the last 10 years (unavoidable events) and I really really don't want to meet him. Haven't replied yet. I don't want to engage with this conversation at all.

My family are in no way dysfunctional, but I have a difficult relationship with my mum.

I think it is VERY hard for people to understand estrangement if they've never considered it within their own family. I have certainly considered it and have gone NC with her for over a year previously.

I do believe other people mean well with their comments though. I think I'd just say to acquaintances "my family and I are not in contact for good reason and although I'm sure you mean well, I don't want to discuss it any further".

I've never verbalised back to anybody what it sounds like they mean when they say ''but she's your mum!!'' , but if I did, it'd be ''you must be really petty and unforgiving''. I think the person saying ''but it's your mum'' imagines that they're being really wise and emotionally mature when they say it too.

It's like gaslighting. eg, when my mother says to me ''i love you but I can't tolerate this behaviour. I'm worried about you'', what she's really saying and certainly what i hear is it's my right to consider myself the victim here, your visibly upset reaction to my refusal to listen to your perspective is NOTHING TO DO WITH ME

The double standard is that my hurt and upset proves that I 'm sensitive and unhinged. Her hurt and upset proves how hurtful I have been.

It takes a few trips around the merry-go-around to see it so clearly.

I realised a while ago that I'm always going to be labelled with the exact failing that exonerates her from any wrong-doing. eg, when I try to raise the family dynamic that is unfair to me but that serves her, that is ''aggression''. I should have respected the cold shoulder. The status quo is locked in.

The double standard is that my hurt and upset proves that I 'm [over] sensitive and unhinged. Her hurt and upset proves how hurtful I have been.

It takes a few trips around the merry-go-around to see it so clearly.

Thank you for articulating this so clearly.

It's taken me a long time to see it properly, too.

One of societies great ills is too many people believe that blood is thicker than water.

I have had people make comments like that when I’ve said I’m NC with any of my family. They soon shut up when I say that my entire family actually disowned me (my mother stating that I don’t exist to her anymore), then look a bit taken aback and probably wonder what I could have done that was so terrible!

I don’t want to have to explain that I was designated family scapegoat by my mother going back to me being a baby when she attempted to smother me for constant crying (she admitted this just before she disowned me), and was then completely under attack when I finally confronted her about the way she was treating my own DC by favouring and triangulating, which led to me confronting her about how she treated me after my older golden child sibling was caught sexually abusing me at age 9. I was blamed and brainwashed that I was crazy and evil to cover it up. It took a lot of therapy to accept my mother is a textbook narcissist and it wasn’t my fault. It should have been a defining moment in my life when I finally stood up to her but I had failed to understand that my siblings were also brainwashed into thinking I was crazy and evil and they had more loyalty to her than me (no matter what I’d done for them or how close they were to my DC and I and my DC to theirs). We have been totally erased from my family. Earlier this year, my DD was blocked on Facebook by my sister without response after she contacted her to ask about her cousin’s wedding. My sister was her Aunt for 16 years. This is my mothers eternal punishment for ‘embarrassing’ her and making her have to consider if she’d done anything wrong (which she hadn’t of course).

The worst offenders were DH’s family who kept suggesting to DD in particular that she should keep trying to contact my family and not listen to me when I had advised her not to. They knew nothing of the background only that my family looked rich and my mum seemed nice when they met her at DH’s and I’s wedding!

Yes I hate it when people say that. My mum was an abusive twat that molested my bro and I.

I've heard it all too and the most I ever give back now is "yes, it's a difficult decision to walk away from such a powerful connection. Some people just aren't very safe to be around." Oddly the conversation seems to just stop after that.

For lighter conversations about general holiday plans or family in my home country it's easier to keep it vague.... "Not this year, no. Will you travel home?"

“Not all families are healthy “

”ah, I expect you had a lovely mum”

”Hmm. My mum’s a bit special”

“Sadly my family situation is complicated“

People rarely push it much further than that. You’ll work out a few phrases that work for you- I think it comes easier when you’re actually fully reconciled to it. You aren’t hiding shame or anything, just accepting that your situation is different.

Hugs to OP, and everyone else who experience this hurt.

Completely agree with the description that it feels like people are deciding you must be petty and unforgiving, rather than accepting that your parents are deeply damaging to you.

I understand it’s mostly just too difficult for them to contemplate, but it’s still hurtful.

@Thecatmaster I would say you are perpetuating the cycle with your enabling behaviour. And whilst your sister going NC with you must be very upsetting she is the one showing more refined behaviour despite her addiction (caused by your parents terrible choices) and terminal illness.

This is flying monkey territory and you are an enabled. You are not a cycle breaker.

I'm nc with my family

My mother is the narc,my father the enabler,3 brothers-2 is a narc,his twin has traits and the other brother is lc

The rest of the family are the flying monkeys

I'm the scapegoat-my family now is dp,his darling mum and myself

I'm sick of 'but she's your mum!'

And?she's also my abuser

'They love you'

No they dont-they loved abusing me,putting me down and now they smear my name and reputation

'They miss you'

Nope they miss all the above

'What did you do wrong?'

I was born (and as I grew up,I didn't worship her bullshit and could see her for what she is rather than the front she puts on

'They want you back in the fold'

I bet they bloody do-so I can take all the crap,take the blame and be there as the human cock-up that puts them in the better,'I'm perfect-she's the screw up' light

Sod that-i just explain I don't speak to them for my own reasons and leave it there

My dad died yesterday, I haven't spoken to him for 20 years, whenever people found that out they would say oh you must contact him before it's too late. Well it is too late now and I have zero regrets. Some people just can't accept that some parents aren't very nice!