Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

At undertakers

78 replies

purpleme12 · 05/01/2024 01:37

I have seen my dad's body when he was just dead

Will he look very different if I see him at the undertakers? Can someone please tell me???

Will he look like no colour???

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 05/01/2024 01:56

I'm sorry for your loss. My own experiences mean I wouldn't again go and see a body for a second time.

Sleepwhatsthazzz · 05/01/2024 02:01

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my father recently as well.

We mostly have open caskets in Ireland and bodies do often vary. Mostly though the body looks at peace, pain etc has faded from the person's face. The undertakers should have prepped the body, make up/hair done/shave if appropriate. So they should resemble themselves.

Have a chat with the undertakers, I have always found them to be very honest and open and happy to give advice on what to expect.

It is something we are very used to in Ireland, and therefore I don't want to suggest one way or another for you. Whatever decision you come to, will be the right one for you at this time.

1CocklodgerHouse · 05/01/2024 02:13

How long ago did your father pass away? I visited my mother after two weeks and I would not visit somebody again as she did look very different. But I am in England where it’s unusual to have an open casket

Original poster
purpleme12 · 05/01/2024 02:14

I just wanted to cuddle his body one last time

But I'm scared to go in case he's cold now and pale

I'm inconsolable and don't know how to go on

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleme12 · 05/01/2024 02:14

1CocklodgerHouse · 05/01/2024 02:13

How long ago did your father pass away? I visited my mother after two weeks and I would not visit somebody again as she did look very different. But I am in England where it’s unusual to have an open casket

Today

OP posts:
SirenSays · 05/01/2024 02:17

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you strength and peace 💐💐 Please practice some self care, get some food, hydrate, try to rest.

homezookeeper · 05/01/2024 02:22

I'll try to be factual in the hope that it helps. Is there a pre arranged funeral plan in place with a designated funeral home? If so, this may have included embalming. Given my experience of in the hospital (and also in the nursing home) after the event versus in the funeral home after embalming, there is a big difference. However your choice to view or not is paramount. If you would like to leave your memory as it is, I wouldn't recommend viewing after embalming. And it can be that that's the best, most natural way to remember. The choice is 100% yours, do what you feel is right.

Onynx · 05/01/2024 02:25

@purpleme12 I am so very very sorry for your loss. I think @Sleepwhatsthazzz says it all really. In Ireland we are quite used to seeing bodies and open caskets. For me I felt my Dad looked overly made up but that was my opinion. Sadly though I don't think anything or anybody on this earth could have prepared me for just how cold he felt in the funeral home. I was glad I saw him, it's part of the grieving process for me but I like to keep the memories of him alive in my mind. Sending huge hugs, mind yourself - it's a very tough time x

Cuckoochanel80 · 05/01/2024 02:27

Don't be scared, your dad will not hurt you in death as he did not in life. I know it seems unbelievable but you will get through this and make your dad proud. Sorry for your loss.

1CocklodgerHouse · 05/01/2024 02:28

Oh gosh I’m so sorry for your loss. I know it’s so hard but try to get a bit of rest if you can. Do you have someone with you?

If visiting your dad will definitely help, I would go to see him as soon as possible. I will tell you just so that you’re not shocked that my mum was pale, cold and her skin had a waxy look to it. But she was pain-free and at rest

PeopleAreWeird · 05/01/2024 02:31

He will be cold and will be pale

He wont look the same as when you last saw him

cerisepanther73 · 05/01/2024 02:36

@purpleme12

I rember there was a mesh on his face my children's father for dignity a respectful but intimidate barrier between life and death,

He looked. Like a cold to touch like a promient marble sculpture figure you see outside in towns and cities sometimes,

he didn't look like the way he looked in life he didn't look terrible he just didn't look himself anymore just like the essence of his life energy force and who he was had somehow mysterious dispeared into thin air..

Werd experience but i know he was at peace no longer suffering extreme mental health disturbances..

cerisepanther73 · 05/01/2024 02:39

Oops sorry ive used the wrong terminology

I ment to describe the mesh on his face as being a respectful but dignified intimate barrier covering ,
when my children's father was in his coffin

EBearhug · 05/01/2024 02:48

I found seeing my father's body helped. It looked like him, but it wasn't him without the life in it, it was just a body. It helped me believe it.

Take care of yourself- grief can be do hard to get through.

Spomsored · 05/01/2024 02:56

I saw my dad in the funeral home and he was at peace. It was a better last view of him than struggling and unwell in hospital. I guess it may depend how you are remembering your last sight of him. I'm very sorry for your loss. It will take time to get easier.

LaurieStrode · 05/01/2024 03:29

So sorry for your loss!

💐💐💐

NotaCoolMum · 05/01/2024 03:51

No advice but wanted to send you love- I’m sorry for your loss x

caringcarer · 05/01/2024 04:00

Seeing your dad again and cuddling him are 2 very different things. He will be cold now. If he is in a coffin it will be hard to cuddle him. Undertakers always seem cold places to me anyway. If you go and see your Dad like this, you won't be able to unsee him like it.

FiveShelties · 05/01/2024 04:08

I am so sorry OP. I did not go to see either my Mum or my Dad at the Undertakers as I did not want to remember them in that way and I have no regrets about that. It is a difficult decision to make, and I do not envy you. When my Dad died, I took my Mum to see him but stayed in another room. Mum said she was pleased she had gone to see him.

Don't forget to look after yourself, it is a very difficult time. 💐

Passingthethyme · 05/01/2024 04:13

Yes, he'll look different. His skin will look a bit of an odd colour, but he'll look peaceful like he's asleep. And it will most probably give you closure to see him and say goodbye in your own way. Sorry for your loss Flowers

Lizzieregina · 05/01/2024 04:29

I’m another that grew up seeing deceased people in coffins, so it would never have occurred to me not to also see my mum and dad.

As mentioned, they will be cold and a little waxy looking.

I will say that as I sit here on my couch and think of them, my memory is of the vibrant loving people that I knew, not them after they had passed away. That memory will definitely fade.

However, you should absolutely do whatever feels right to you. There is no right or wrong in these situations.

Im so sorry for your loss.

Bestyearever2024 · 05/01/2024 05:07

I was advised not to see Dad at the funeral directors

I saw him at the Nursing Home, shortly after he died.

Speak to the staff at the funeral directors and ask for their advice

barfotoliv · 05/01/2024 05:13

I'm also Irish and very used to seeing bodies at wakes. Yes, he will look different, but that in itself can be helpful, as it helps you accept that they're really, truly gone.

Doingmybest12 · 05/01/2024 06:51

If you wish to see him and think you might regret not doing so ,then go and see him. He won't look the same though. I saw my mother in law at the funeral home and wished I hadn't but it was OK and others find it comforting to visit. Hope you've got people around you in real life.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 05/01/2024 08:19

I've recently view my mums body at the funeral home and I was shocked at how cold she was.
I expected her to be cold but she was frozen and pale .
I wouldn't ever view anyone again because they are not there it's just a body but that's only my opinion x
Sorry for your loss