At undertakers

[purpleme12]

I have seen my dad's body when he was just dead

Will he look very different if I see him at the undertakers? Can someone please tell me???

Will he look like no colour???

When DD died she looked very different in the funeral home compared to shortly after.

In the funeral home she looked like a very stiff, powdered doll. Not real.

We also weren't allowed to touch her which was really hard.

So sorry for your loss.

She had also had a post mortem so it had been quite a long gap, maybe two weeks

There's a documentary on Netflix called The Funeral Director and it is really good, it brings some understanding and comfort about death and their process.
He mentioned modern medications bring about decomposition much quicker these days, my sisters body was full of it by the end such is why I think they needed to use so much formaldehyde.

You wouldn't really be able to cuddle him and he would be cold yes. He'll probably actually look a bit better but not really like him, like a waxwork of himself, if you get me. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I think it's such a personal decision. I didn't go and see my mum. The last time I saw her she was happy, healthy and laughing. I preferred to keep that as my last memory of her.

I think if you've seen his body shortly after death, you don't need to see it again. That was certainly my experience. Also, as previous posters have said, he'd be cold and you wouldn't be able to cuddle him. So sorry for your loss and sending you strength.

Thank you.

I don't think I'll see him again. I won't be able to cuddle him will I.

And he'll look different.

I feel so so sad for my child. My child loved him too. But never got to see him for months. Not for want of trying. But she loved him too

I would have spent more time with him cuddling him when he'd gone but I couldn't

So sorry to hear about your dad. I went to see my mum in the funeral
Parlour biggest retreat of my life. She just like an empty shell , sorry if I've upset anyone but I'm still traumatised 5 years later

That was certainly the decision I took after my husband died, suddenly from a heart attack at home one morning. The paramedics tried for a long time to resuscitate him as he was relatively young. But once they’d stopped they asked if they should leave himself where he was (bedroom floor) or put him to bed. I asked them to put him to bed, and then had 90 minutes with him before the undertaker arrived, interrupted periodically by a young policeman asking if I needed anything. I had no desire to see him again after that, but had it not been at home and I hadn’t had the chance to spend time with him then I think I would have gone. But even now I am not sure that I actually would. It really is very personal choice.

Seeing my dad in the chapel of rest was very healing so it's different for everybody. He looked awful when he just died, mouth wide open at a weird angle, almost snarling, and eyes half open. He looked beautiful after.

I don't know where he is

Oh @purpleme12 I'm so sorry. This is a bewildering and awful time for you.

I didn't see my mam..even immediately after she'd died suddenly at home. My dad wouldn't let us because he said she didn't look like my mam.

We had thought about going to the funeral home but she had a post mortem and it was a long time before she was able to go to the funeral home. They rang and advised that some of her skin was starting to come away on her nose and so we all decided not to see her. She had always said she regretted seeing my grandad. The last memory I have of her is kissing her goodbye on Christmas Day and we'd had such a lovely time! I dont regret not seeing het after she'd died.

I don't believe it's happened

Do you mean his body or spiritually? If he is having a post mortem he will be with the coroner or else he should be with the funeral director. I know it doesn’t bring much comfort but it is quite normal to feel shocked, confused and in denial. No you won’t be able to cuddle him but it might bring you comfort to be in the same room, even if the coffin is closed. Only you know what’s right for you ❤️

I meant spiritually x

It's weird isn't it. Where does their personality go, their love, memories, knowledge.. sadly it goes when the brain switches off. It just goes. And lives on in us.

I went to see FIL about 5 days after his unexpected death. MIL was still in shock and was worried his tie wouldn't be straight as he was very particular about his tie and I really only went so I could report back that he was looking peaceful and was looking tidy.

He did look like FIL but expressionless and waxy with a really white complexion, we only stayed for a minute at the most.

I would say that if you aren't sure what to do and think you might regret not going, then take a few days to decide, it's not something you have to decide today.

So sorry for your loss and hope you decide what's best for you.

Sorry for your loss OP. I've not read the full thread but have seen some posters saying they regret seeing their loved one and just wanted to offer another perspective. My mum was very much against my sister and I going to see my dad, but we did and I'm really 'glad'. It's a very personal decision.

My understanding is that how they look can depend on quite a few factors so I can only say what it was like for me. The funeral directors were lovely. They sat down with us first and prepared us for how he'd look, so there was also the chance to ask questions. The room was very cold and I remember that when they opened the door, the cold combined with seeing him was quite a shock. We'd asked them to cut his hair as he always kept it short. He was incredibly thin as the puffyness from the steroids had gone away and you could see just how ill he'd been. His cheeks were very sunken and he was grey, waxy looking and of course, cold. In spite of all that though, having died a horrible death, he somehow looked 'better' and it was 'nice' to see that they'd looked after him so well. We held his hand and talked to him and put some photos in the coffin with him.

It was very, very hard and almost traumatising so I totally see why some people regret it. As I say, it's an incredibly personal decision. But somehow, for me it felt an important part of saying googbye.

There's no right or wrong, and whatever decision you make will be right for you.

Thinking of you.

Thinking of you OP. This is a lovely piece that might give you some comfort. I find it very reassuring.

I don't really feel much

The pain was so painful when it happened I had to self harm.

Now I feel nothing. Am I a fraud

You're not a fraud. Some things just shut down so you can get through.

It ebbs and flows as well OP, just go with it, it is all normal. It is hard to believe sometimes hence the numbness, plus you're trying to keep going. There's no right or wrong. Take care of yourself.