At undertakers

[purpleme12]

I have seen my dad's body when he was just dead

Will he look very different if I see him at the undertakers? Can someone please tell me???

Will he look like no colour???

I was with my dad when he died, and stayed with him until he was collected by the undertakers. At that stage, with his illness and the process of dying he looked awful.
when I saw him at the undertakers he really did look much more like my dad again, and it has brought me a lot of comfort.
Im very sorry for your loss. My dad died on 25 November so it’s still very raw, but I’m glad I saw him.
You are the only person who really knows if you want to see him again though, so don’t be either talked into it or talked out of it. I just wanted to share my experience as did me it was a positive one.

If it's recent then it will be fine but he will be cold. After a few days there is a definite difference so I would go asap and then not again.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad a few years ago and my Mum when I was 19. My advice is this. This is all very fresh and the process of grief starts now and can be a long one. Your Dad's life force has now left his body, he is not there. Go gather a piece of clothing he wore a lot - a jumper, jacket etc and wrap yourself in it. Remember how he smelled, and the things you spoke about and did the last time you were happy together. If you feel up to it and it's local, visit a place he loved. Take your time, take someone with you who can support you if you like. That's where and how you will feel him close to you, and of course he will always be with you in your heart. Over the coming days, weeks and months this will have brought you much more comfort than seeing the body that he left behind as it was too poorly to carry him any longer. I hope this helps a little. Take your time and be kind to yourself.

@purpleme12 I am so sorry for your loss. We lost my dad about 9 months ago and chose not to see him after he had died. That was the right decision for us and my mum, we wanted to remember him as he had been before he was unwell. I would agree with other posters that the body is just the "container" of the person, and the essence of them has gone. You have to decide what is right for YOU and not feel pressured by expectation or feelings about what you should and should not do.

Undertakers will handle these situations very sensitively. Take care of yourself.

OP it totally depends on if they embalm him or not.
Until he’s embalmed he will look ‘dead’ - sorry not sure how else to phrase it.
Then once they embalm people it makes them look like they’re sleeping.

Have a chat to the undertaker but it’s very normal for relative to visit their deceased, but perhaps wait a few days until they’ve been embalmed and dressed etc?
sorry for your loss x

Sorry for your loss @purpleme12 ♥️

My Dad was embalmed and looked more at peace then immediately after he died but also "wrong". His hair was wrong his mouth was wrong. It was him but not him. It helped me to see him - I kept getting intrusive flashes of how he looked after death and seeing him in a different way countered it slightly.
The chapel of rest was very cold (for obvious reasons) and I couldn't bring myself to touch him. He didn't look pale as such but he did look dead.
It's such a personal decision and there's no right or wrong answer. I know people who have had loved ones embalmed and in the Chapel of rest but chosen not to visit. This is always an option if you're not sure and aren't opposed to embalming.
This time after losing someone we love so very much is surreal. There's so many decisions to make and so much adjusting and pain to process. Whatever you decide will be the right decision ♥️

I’m so sorry for your loss

my own father died very suddenly and when we got to see him at a&e after they told us he had passed I felt like he looked much older than he was and he had CPR etc for a long time so looked a bit battered by it Altho he was still warm to touch. When I went to see him at the undertakers I thought he looked much more like himself. He looked like he was just sleeping with his glasses back on. He didn’t look scary or anything. The only thing that gave me a fright was how cold he felt when I touched him. It made me jump. I was glad I seen him looking much more like himself.

It helped me for closure, to realise they are not there and so I'm okay with them getting buried or cremated. To see them at peace.

It varies with how good they look.
My dad looked amazing and so handsome, 2 weeks after and wasn't embalmed.
Sister was embalmed and looked like a misshapen waxwork after 3 weeks.
It's a good preserver but the trade off is a weird look. It's either that or seeing them deteriorated in a lot of cases.

I'm sorry for your loss.
It will probably be a couple of days before the funeral director has your dad ready for viewing so you don't need to rush your decision.
For some people, visiting the body before the casket is closed is quite the right thing to do. You can also visit once the casket is closed, and maybe just sit quietly for a while, or say the important things once more.
For others, seeing the body isn't our choice but there are other things we can do as final gestures of our love and respect. We can choose their final outfit and make sure it's what they would have chosen, or we can send special things to go into the casket (ask the funeral director for any rules on this). For my relatives in the past, I've sent fishing line, a packet of Rizlas, a chess piece. All of which they'd have approved.
Take things slowly and look after yourself. There's a lot of decisions to be made, that's true, but don't rush them and give yourself time to rest and reflect.

💐OP.
I saw my father just after he’d died - he just looked as if he was asleep.
A Dsis, OTOH, who wasn’t there at the time, saw him some days later at the undertakers and afterwards said she wished she hadn’t - he did by then look ‘very dead’ as she put it.

@purpleme12 ,I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's a very personal decision and you need to do what feels right did you.

Before my Mum died, she asked us to do her hair and makeup before her funeral as she was worried that if an undertaker did it, she wouldn't be herself.

It was three weeks before we could get a funeral date! She was ice cold and the undertaker had put a foundation layer on her.

We did her hair, makeup, put on her cosy socks , and placed some photos and letters in the coffin. She'd died just before a very important event in the life on one of my DC so we put photos of that in.

Wider family then came as well and we all sat with her. The room was filled with love and we carried out her final wishes.

When my Dad passed my Mum didn't want to see him before the funeral, but we went and sat with his closed casket, again this was right for us.

A good undertaker will support and guide you.

Do what feels right for you and you will have made the right choice. Your love wil be there.

My DH died early last year. It wasn’t frightening to see him, but he was waxy and pale, and as he was just a body by then, he’d lost expression and personality (if you see what I mean).

I wouldn’t view again.

Sorry for your loss. 💐

I would advise against it.

I got to see my mum just after her death (she waited til I wasn't in the room).
She was warm, I could still hold her as I had been when she was dying ,brush her hair, she looked beautiful, she smelt & felt like my Mum.
It was one of the most special moments of my life & that is how I want to remember her.

It might've been different if I'd not been there, if seeing her at the undertakers was the first time after her death.
But it wasn't. I'd seen her when she was still Mum & there was no way I was going to sully that memory.

Like you, I saw my DDad when he had just passed, but I didn't want the memory of him in the coffin. Years later, the ambulance had taken DMum when she was found dead, so I never got to see her. My aunt went to see her at the undertakers and said she didn't look like my Mum at all. She'd had a post-mortem, and looked very different. My advice is, don't go there. You can't unsee.

Irish also. My Dad looked asleep and at peace. I was grateful to hold his hand still, to look at his lovely face and chat to him as long as I could. I was very comfortable chatting to him that way. He had no make up. He was pale and cold yes but his hands and face were still those hands and face that were so familiar and loved. My Mum also looked v much herself and we brushed her hair a little to get that right. I'm so sorry for thr loss of your lovely dad.

My condolences. He will be cold, he will look the same but somehow very different. It can be a bit unnerving. I wouldn’t try to hug him or kiss him, but stroking the back of his hand will help you to realise that the essence of him as a person is gone , though remains in your memory, and all that remains is the shell of his body.

I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐

I touched my dad in the chapel of rest , awful experience, and haunts me still , 17 years later. He was so cold and solid like marble. I've visited other family members since but no touching

My father’s family are all Irish so it’s very common to spend a few days with the body after death. I was with my dad when he died and then was with him everyday for the next 5 days until the funeral. Honestly I think he looked better at the funeral home than he did when he had just died. He was cold to touch but I was use to this having seen my grandmother, grandfather and uncle laid out when I was younger.

I know for some people the experience can be traumatic but to be honest it never upset me. I found it quite comforting to see them again before the funeral.

I agree with other posters that what you'll see is an empty shell.
Personally that helped me realise that my Dad had gone. His body was there but his spirit was not.
Also concur with other posters saying to talk to the undertaker.
They are the most empathetic and experienced in this.
DD1 was only 7 when my dad passed (15 years ago now) but she said she wanted to see him.
The undertakers where unbelievably kind with their advise.
I did in the end take DD into see her grandfather, but they were so bloody kind and understanding. They sat outside the door ready to catch DD if she was overwhelmed.
As it was we had the most beautiful time in the room with him.
Just knowing they were right outside the door meant so much.
They really are so good and kind at their vocation. Not a job I could do, think they're highly undervalued for the role they perform.
One of the most noble professions I could imagine.
Best of luck whatever you decide 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was with my Mum when she passed away. However when I went to see her in the funeral home I'm afraid she did look very different and from my own very personal POV I wish I hadn't gone, and just kept the last memory as the one when she passed. But that is a very personal view.

I'm sorry for your loss.

It wasn't horrendous, but my Dad looked very pale and gaunt - he didn't have an easy death though, so maybe looked less like himself than others might. I got totally nothing out of seeing him and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't chose to see anyone again.

Having said that, I think we're all different though and for you, I think you have to weigh up what would be worse - the possible shock that he didn't look the same or whether you think you might regret it. If you decide to go, if it doesn't feel appropriate to hug him, you can speak to him and say your goodbyes. I didn't really feel the need to see him in the first place, I only did it for my Mum to support her.

I saw my Mum just an hour or so after she died in bed at home. She looked terrible like she’d died of fright, hair all flattened from palliative bedrest, in an awkward position with rigorous mortis, eyes half open, and mouth all wonky. I went and saw her once more at the funeral parlour, I was relieved. They’d washed and combed her hair, straightened her out, shut her eyes & mouth and put her nice dress on. She was cold and greyish but looked calm, at rest. I’m glad I went and saw her ❤️

My mum died of cancer. I was with her when she died. She had lost alot of weight and was drugged up.
I went to see her at the undertakers.
It made me feel happier, she looked like she did before cancer. Her hair (wig) was styled, the obviously put make up on, she was dressed. She looked at peace.

I'm so sorry for your loss @purpleme12 I lost my Dad just before Christmas and it's overwhelming. I was with him as he died and after the nurses had completed last offices about an hour later for one last cup of tea and he was already quite cold to the touch. Though he didn't look as though he had gone quite so much as my granny who I saw a couple of weeks after she died at the funeral home.

I felt like I went into a kind of shock straight afterwards and my mind fixated on organising and making decisions as a way of coping but you have at least a few days to decide so you don't need to make those decisions now if you don't want to.

While I am not sure this is right for everyone I approached everything in the last few days with my Dad with a "no regrets" approach so if I thought it was something I may regret not doing in the future I did it. It has helped.