Unintentionally offended a friend

[bahhamburgers]

Shit.

So I’ve lost a lot of weight. I’ve got some quite nice bits that don’t fit me anymore.

I text a friend of mine today to ask if she wanted them. I said I had finally got round to having a wardrobe clear out and I’ve got a few really nice dresses if she wanted to have them.

She replied with, “great. Because I am fat? Nice.”

I replied that I didn’t mean it that way, I just wanted to see if she would like them as we have the same style and they were things she’s commented that she liked when I used to wear them.

Shes not replied.

Supposed to be meeting up with her and her toddler tomorrow. I just wanted to pass them on to someone, a lot of the stuff was only worn a few times.

Yup, that’s me!

It wasn’t this friend though - different friendship group. One of them was like a dog with a bone saying I must have have surgery and some had been talking behind my back saying that I had an eating disorder as I wouldn’t eat food when out. That’s due to coeliac and having been glutened when out and getting really ill.

This friend doesn’t know that group, she’s been nothing but supportive. which is why I don’t think it’s jealousy.

Op- do not apologise! She’s been so rude insinuating you were fat when you wore those dresses. She should be apologising to you- you’ve done nothing wrong at all.

Right there I'm afraid is your answer. She was used to being the slimmer of the two of you and now she isn't. Possibly even she looked down on you when you were a size 24 to make herself feel better about her own weight. She can't do that any more and that might have been part of the basis of the friendship - you were the fat friend who made her (in her eyes) look slim.

By offering her the clothes with absolutely no other intentions than to do something nice for her she's decided you were rubbing her nose in it and now she's showing how she really feels.

I'd be looking at it as either you're going to lose this friendship or it's going to be vastly different and possibly not one you'd want. Her loss.

My friend who has lovely taste and clothes offered the same to me, she has lost some weight and offered me some of her bits that are now too big for her.

I snapped her hand off and bought her flowers and gin to say thank you! They are beautiful and in a style I love so I was nothing but pleased.

Maybe your friend is having a hard time with her self image but she was rude.

I am no stranger to this. As a PP said, I posted a thread last year about another friendship group that I pulled away from in the end.

I know that significant weight loss causes a lot of problems in relationships and how you are seen.

I had hoped this would be different though, I saw her as a good friend.

We spent most of the weekend together with out families and it was great. Our husbands and children get on really well. I feel shit that I’ve potentially cocked that up over some bloody Joanne dresses.

Joanie. Not Joanne.

She envious. She knows she's being unreasonable i suspect but doesn't want to lose face.
I would leave it cool a few days and then resume normal contact and not mention the dress
I wouldn't bin a friendship over this but wouldn't apologize again either. Hopefully she moves on and you can pick things up again

You didn’t cock anything up due to some fancy dresses. Any excuse would have done for her.

Well done on your weight loss. Amazing 🤩

I'm really needing to lose weight.

Did you follow a diet plan?

No, I explained upthread that it was due to being diagnosed as coeliac 3 years ago. That was the catalyst for change. And it means I just can’t eat all the crap I lived off before (looking at you, McDonalds and Greggs!)

I gained a huge amount of weight as I ate shit all the time, fast food, takeaways. Ate out a lot.

I medically can’t have any of that stuff now, and when I saw some of the ingredients in gluten free alternatives, I didn’t want to eat them. So it’s not a diet, it was a complete lifestyle and mindset change.

So my diet is just meat, fish, Greek yogurt, cheese, eggs and lots of veg (I am not a fan of fruit). Nothing processed and no sugar or fake sugar. it’s mainly low carb, although I do eat potatoes and rice occasionally.

I’d highly recommend it as a lifestyle though as I feel amazing and my life long acne problem disappeared completely about three months in. I’m 43 and I am the healthiest I have ever been.

But I do find it “easy” as there is no temptation really of a quick fix anymore.

People’s reactions are funny when it comes to weight. I’m over 10 stone more than my friend, who has an amazing figure. At most she could lose a stone. I was prescribed a weight loss injection and her first response was to say “Great, I’ll be the fat friend then”.
It has totally changed the way I feel about her.

Ooof. That’s harsh to hear! I don’t blame you.

She’s told you what you need to know.

I agree- just about to post that she might not be just jealous, perhaps she was happy hanging around someone bigger than her. Gave her a confidence boost and now it doesn't I guess.

Such negativity.
Sounds like you and the ops friend have the same mindset.

So she’s basically saying that you were fat. I think she’s insulted you there. Maybe back track a little and say, “they’re probably too big for you anyway. Just thought I’d offer.”

Well, she’s never spoken to me again since I saw her the day after. I sent her a happy birthday text on her birthday last month, unread on WhatsApp.

To be honest, my dad died quite horribly a couple of weeks after I posted this. I’ve no longer got time for other people’s bullshit, I just don’t care anymore.

We were at the same children’s party a while back and she just sat staring daggers at me and was obviously talking with someone else about me as they kept looking over. Whatever, I’m 44, not 14, I really don’t care.

If she chose to take offence then that’s on her not me. I can’t control her feelings.

Good for you op. She sounds ridiculous. So sorry to hear about your dad. The pain of bereavement really doesn't leave any room for other people's nonsense.

This OP!

So sorry to hear about your Dad 💐. You take really good care of yourself and congratulations on tackling your health issue.

A friend of mine was offered clothes by a friend who announced 'Now that I'm not fat, would you like any of my old clothes?'. There were other instances of tactlessness and the friendship ended after another one (don't know what it was exactly).

I would sell the clothes on and reassess the friendship in the light of her stonewalling you. Very cheeky of her to then accept the offer.

The good thing here is that she's shown you who she is - a priceless thing. Believe her!

Oh god, I can't believe you did that. Ouch 🤣

Ugh zombie thread.

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. Did this person reach out to you at all when he died? Her bullshit is definitely not worth your time and effort. I find it’s best to smile and be polite to these types of you have to encounter them, it confuses them.

She wouldn’t know he died to be fair. I don’t have that many friends and no one mutual - just one or two acquaintances as children’s activities.

OP has replied to it though.
OP - she sounds dreadful. You’re lucky not to have her in your life any more.