Abusive Autistic teenage son

[lostthelight]

NC.

I am at my wits end with my early Autistic 14 year old son. I just want to open the window and not look back. I have done everything!
Non violent resistant programme, Art Therapy, behaviour-list, psychotherapies, Horse therapy. But nothing I do is working. I have left an abusive relationship to be intertwined with other one?!!!

My DS is progressively getting worse, he threatens to kill me when angry, swears at me, hits me and tries to wrestle with me, slams the door, wants to destroy my house, squares up to me, calls me filth. I cannot put any boundary with him at the risk of him getting upset. Whenever I ignore his swearing, his attitude towards me (which a few of the courses tell me to do) he becomes worse and feels he can do what he pleases. I called the police once on him, and he stopped the behaviour for two weeks (longest ever) before starting all over again.

I have isolated myself from everyone due to this. I no longer speak to my friends, I just manage to go to work and I'm thinking of quitting that soon. We are moving out soon and I am dreading it as the new neighbours will hate us- we will be THAT family. You know what? I don't think there's any point to living anymore.

Have you contacted early help or social services?

When is he calm?

What boundaries specifically?

What exactly is he doing?

He needs residential care.

Op this is horrific. The source of his behaviour is irrelevant when you’re being assaulted, threatened and pushed to suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. It sounds like you’ve done everything in your power but he’s beyond help, at least beyond the help you can give him. I agree with PP, I would phone social services and tell them you are unable to cope and in fear for your life.

I'm so sorry to hear that, it sounds so tough.

You definitely need some support. Can't say I'd recommend Early Help or Children's services, they often just make things worse, imo.

Is there a local Autism charity you can seek support from? Also perhaps speak to your GP about your mood.

Sending best wishes 🌹

Call the police again.
Each time.
Do it.

As a pp said, residential care would seem to be needed. Can you tell social services you cannot cope, you're alone and you're suicidal.

So sorry you're going through this - I think you need to reach out to friends for support.

Its really not that easy Even if he does have you any idea how hard it is to access?
Im.sure you are trying to be helpful but simple answer to complex situations don't really help.anyone

I agree, call the police every time.
Is he gaming. My son was addicted to gaming and treated me like an apparent he wantedto kill not a mother

Another thought. When I did the freedom programme they talked about the effect on teen boys from being around DV. Has your DS done any work around that? It could be more that being the issue rather than the autism.

I could see my son heading in this direction a few years ago. Does he have a PDA diagnosis?

And again its bot as simple to just asking for it

DN ended up in a residential unit for less violent behaviour than that.

I'm afraid I agree with this.

Whatever you do, please don't give up your job.

Keep calling the police

But its not that simple these threads infuriate me when people who.have no idea how things work trot out simplistic solutions

It absolutely isn't. And involving Children's Services often makes everything worse.

I didn’t want to read and run, this is not ok driving you to suicidal thoughts.
Call the police every time!
Thinking of you.

She’s going to have to involve someone - he hits her and is threatening to kill her. This can’t be brushed off with a parenting course. I’m not downplaying his struggles but the pressing issue is OP’s safety.

I was in this situation and asked for residential schooling; my request was refused because it was deemed to be more for me than for him ... (despite being PX'd from an independent special school! He's now living with a different relative rather than me and touch wood hasn't shown half as many behaviours. Social services and camhs had always been involved and were worse than useless really.

Sounds very much like pathological demand avoidance. There's some good books about how to manage it and how to help him to regulate again so he stops going into meltdowns.

It's not brushing it off to say very often involving Children's services make things worse. It's a very serious point because when you are at the end of your tether the last thing you need is adding some more stress to your life. And no help with what you need help with. It's not as easy as just phone Children's services! I suggested speaking to an Autism charity or looking at support for the DS around the DV he witnessed.

Hi op. I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. I had very similar situation with my eldest years ago (ADHD/ODD/ASD). He was excluded from multiple schools and ended up getting arrested for assaulting me. I’d also been in an abusive relationship which had already isolated me. My son did end up in residential school but that was after he had been out of school for 9 months and only following involvement from the youth offending following his arrest for assaulting me. The whole system for children with additional needs is shit. Whilst residential gave me some respite it didn’t work out long term and he was excluded from there. He is now more settled (he’s 24 now) and goes to college.
I have a younger son who also has ASD (PDA) he’s very different to my eldest, much calmer but I’m terrified of how secondary school will be for him. I do a lot of burying my head in the sand. For me the one thing that keeps me going is my job but other than that life can feel so bleak at times. I’m sorry I’ve nothing more positive to say x

No way he'll get resi unless he's worked his way out of local specialist settings.

I am amazed that some posters seem to think you can just say "residential school, please" and the local authority will say "yes, certainly."

OP are you able to answer the questions I asked?
I assume if you've done non violent resistance he may be on a positive behaviour thingy? Is that with CAMHs?