Abusive Autistic teenage son

[lostthelight]

NC.

I am at my wits end with my early Autistic 14 year old son. I just want to open the window and not look back. I have done everything!
Non violent resistant programme, Art Therapy, behaviour-list, psychotherapies, Horse therapy. But nothing I do is working. I have left an abusive relationship to be intertwined with other one?!!!

My DS is progressively getting worse, he threatens to kill me when angry, swears at me, hits me and tries to wrestle with me, slams the door, wants to destroy my house, squares up to me, calls me filth. I cannot put any boundary with him at the risk of him getting upset. Whenever I ignore his swearing, his attitude towards me (which a few of the courses tell me to do) he becomes worse and feels he can do what he pleases. I called the police once on him, and he stopped the behaviour for two weeks (longest ever) before starting all over again.

I have isolated myself from everyone due to this. I no longer speak to my friends, I just manage to go to work and I'm thinking of quitting that soon. We are moving out soon and I am dreading it as the new neighbours will hate us- we will be THAT family. You know what? I don't think there's any point to living anymore.

Thanks for your reply. He is calm when I leave him to his own devices and when he has his own way.

... could be simple demands such as 'don't put too much milk", "You can't play with X".

No they didn't. We recently went to CAMHS and they mentioned that they wanted to work with him in regard to DV relationships.

But that’s what they do, they offer a parenting course, my child is similar (also autistic) although not quite so bad all the time, I’m hoping it’s mostly hormones and he’ll calm down but he’s tried to strangle me a few times and broke his dads ribs. Early help put me on the waiting list for triple p parenting for autistic kids which I was fine with giving a go. Then as the waiting list was long they tried to talk me in to doing triple p for neurotypical primary school age kids, the flyer said “do you feel like your 5 up year old isn’t listening or your two year old won’t tidy his toys away, if so then this is the course for you”, it sounds absolutely nothing like me but they said I may pick up some tips, but if I did this one I’d come off the waiting list for the course for parents of autistic kids. And as for people suggesting residential they have no clue how hard it is to even get specialist nevermind residential, there are kids like this that local authorities are saying are fine in mainstream schools with no ehcp. Luckily mine is in a suitable school so takes some pressure off

My ASD daughter was the same. Came to a peak when she was 14 and wrecking the house, assaulting us and being verbally abusive all the time.
We got help from CAMHS. They doubled her antidepressant dose and also put her on Risperodone which is often prescribed for bad behaviour in autistic youngsters. It was transformative. She even went back to school.

OP please do call the police every time you’re assaulted. Please call SS and ask for help (they were useless for us, but you never know) and ask for help from GP. Strongly request a referral to CAMHS if not already with them.
This can’t go on. Make a pest of yourself: it’s the squeaky wheel that gets the oil.

Im so sorry you are going through this 💐

Thank you :) I'm glad your DD is doing well now. We are seeing CAMHS but they just recommended a person to teach him about relationships. I have avoided medication for many years but I appear this is the route I need to go now.

It needn’t be forever, OP, but something clearly has to change. So far the help you’ve been offered is inadequate.
Abusive behaviour always escalates, whatever its cause. You need protection and a break from this horrific stress; your son must be very unhappy too.

Have you spoken to him about medication?

Talk to friends. Do not give up work. Call the police.

Foster carer social services turn to whether it's within your family or outside help and support for short term or longer term support help

Meds were life changing for my ds. No reason to avoid them. My son started at 8 and may need to be medicated forever. He knows that and taking his meds is very normal to him.

We take meds to manage suffering, and you and your ds are suffering.

Huge hugs, I know how hard it is. 💖

I can’t offer the specific advice that others have but this jumps out at me:
I called the police once on him, and he stopped the behaviour for two weeks (longest ever) before starting all over again.

This suggests that he has control over his abusive behaviour and that he’s actively choosing to behave that way. Whoever you speak to, be sure to share this with them.

This might be a good idea to fast track services. The police will have to report it and it may work out much quicker. Wishing you all the best

Op I had to reply, we are at this point with our 6 year old. I can't imagine how much more scary it is for you when your son is 14 and so much bigger. I don't know the answer, I just wanted you to know you're not alone.
As for those saying contact SS. I've referred myself 3 times, convinced other agencies to refer 4 times. I told them I feared for mine and my husbands lives and that of our 3 other children. Their response (6 months after the first referral, over the phone) was pretty much 'you're doing a great job, you're grand. We'll phone back in 6 months.' That's the help available.

This was why I wondered if the Domestic violence course for teen boys would help.

This. Sometimes no matter how much you love a DC it's not enough and they need professional help in a very structured setting. Make the call to SS and tell them you can't cope anymore. Your DC needs residential care. You could still visit them.

Call the police again.

Police may well report to SS anyway. Accept their help. SS will start with cheap to implement solutions, but keep them onside, and they will be the key to residential care / higher level support

Take off all of the pressure on him. No school, no boundaries, let him choose when he eats/sleeps/showers. I would guarantee your son has a PDA profile. Try it, you won't be disappointed

Yes because it's just that simple to access residential care 🙄🙄
As a Caring carer you should know it's not as easy as saying please take my child into residential care
And social services saying yes of course which of these abundance of lovely places would you prefer!

I have a 13 year severely autistic non verbal.son
Who attends a special school and we have all kinds of professional, s involved he was assessed for and accepted for two over night respite a month just before Xmas 2022, He was pushed to he top.of the list last February when his brother wss critically ill.in hospital,as yet he has had one lunch time visit to the respite bungalow a few weeks ago
Its laughable people think getting a residential placement is a simple and easy process ( if m being ironic btw) and you can just tell social services you are not coping and they will.magic something up.

That isn’t just because of autism

It can be autism + no father + addiction to gaming. Perfect Storm.

He doesn't do gaming and we don't have gaming devices like a PS5.

How does he spend his time?

What does he do when you're at work?

Does he see anyone else at all in day to day life?

You were me a few years back. All I can say is call the police every time. He responded and amended his behaviour. It worked.

Hello OP, we are so sorry to hear about what you are going through.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Very best wishes

This is not necessarily true.
My autistic DDs default setting is angry, aggressive and paranoid. She also has OCD and possible PDA - not sure if those are counted as integral parts of autism or comorbidities - but otherwise has lots of love and attention, two parents, nice family, big house, huge bedroom with everything she needs. She's not a gamer, screen addict or whatever.
It may be that she's lonely, isolated, feeling unjustly burdened but ultimately it's still all down to her condition.