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Original poster

Christmas gift, feeling strangely upset and can't fathom.

54 replies

Mairtea · 30/12/2023 11:35

So, the new partner of my step son, gave me a Christmas decoration, with the names of our adult DC’s on it.

We have 6 between the two of us.

So far so good, except we are very low contact with one DC, due to past difficulties.

I worked hard to cover my upset, but if I'm honest wanted to cry.

I suppose I'm trying to work through my emotional response and reaction, including her reasons for the gift.

OP posts:
ThreeRingCircus · 30/12/2023 11:39

I think your reaction is understandable, but I wouldn't read too deeply into her motivations. She probably just thought it was a nice gift and something personal without realising it would cause upset.

Spinet · 30/12/2023 11:39

Whose DC are you not in contact with? What happened?

Stresa22 · 30/12/2023 11:39

Sorry OP. It sounds like she was trying too hard to do something special for you and overstepped the mark. She might not be aware of the issue with on of the children? It’s an oddly familiar gift to give someone especially when they’re outside the family.

evtheria · 30/12/2023 11:45

ThreeRingCircus · 30/12/2023 11:39

I think your reaction is understandable, but I wouldn't read too deeply into her motivations. She probably just thought it was a nice gift and something personal without realising it would cause upset.

Yes. I really doubt that she has 'reasons' other than trying to give you something she thought would be both pretty, useful and personal.
It's simply unfortunate that it happens to be a very sad subject for you. I would have hoped my child/her spouse had thought to say something to her beforehand.

misscockerspaniel · 30/12/2023 12:52

The link between you and the new partner is a child. You are both step-parents. Those are the likely reasons for this particular gift, and a gift they made an effort to source. Don't over-think it - it is simply a Christmas bauble decorated with children's names.

Original poster
Mairtea · 30/12/2023 12:54

Spinet · 30/12/2023 11:39

Whose DC are you not in contact with? What happened?

Thanks everyone, I think I shocked myself by being upset. The list of names shows an obvious loss.

The DC that we are very low contact with is my partner’s DC. Too many issues to go into here, but managed as reasonably as can be expected. There is occasional text contact but nothing more.

OP posts:
anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 30/12/2023 12:55

It seems like a really thoughtful gift, that is the only "reason" you need. She may have bought similar for other people. Missing out the low contact child would have been wrong as they are still your, or his child and a sibling to the others. Maybe she isn't aware of the back story

ChocolateTVandbaby · 30/12/2023 12:56

Would you have been upset if friend had left off the other child? Would your partner?

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 30/12/2023 12:57

If there is that much hurt, perhaps it's telling you the status quo shouldn't continue so time for your dh to talk to his child

Spinet · 30/12/2023 13:01

I would imagine the upset comes from the missing child then. Especially if that child still talks to their brother and new girlfriend (and hence appears on the bauble) and you don't. Do you feel to blame? You said you wanted to unpick your upset, that's why I'm asking, not nosiness. If you don't want to think about it then don't and that's your right too. But in the nicest possible way, don't tell yourself you want the truth if you actually don't because it's too complicated/painful to think about.

AreYouThereDog · 30/12/2023 13:05

misscockerspaniel · 30/12/2023 12:52

The link between you and the new partner is a child. You are both step-parents. Those are the likely reasons for this particular gift, and a gift they made an effort to source. Don't over-think it - it is simply a Christmas bauble decorated with children's names.

I think you’ve misread what the OP has posted.

OP, how does your husband feel about the gift, given it mentions his child’s name?

Original poster
Mairtea · 30/12/2023 13:14

ChocolateTVandbaby · 30/12/2023 12:56

Would you have been upset if friend had left off the other child? Would your partner?

If course a no win situation, it would be awful to miss off one of our DC’s - even more obvious that there are difficulties.

Yes, she knows the back story, not in detail as she wasn't around at the time

I think If it had been me, I would have steered clear completely of a gift with the names on, reflecting the ‘no win’.

I'm not upset with the gift giver particularly, puzzled about her choice of gift maybe?

I've not spoken to my partner about it and I'm not sure he's picked up the decoration to see.

OP posts:
Ducksinthebath · 30/12/2023 13:18

Never ascribe to conspiracy what can be explained by cock up. It’s a bit of a mid-step for the partner but unless you know otherwise, she meant well. Just allow the decoration to get lost when you’re packing up the tree this year and think no more about that aspect.

Duh · 30/12/2023 13:20

If she was oblivious to the issue with the DC it would have just been over stepping, as she is aware it’s a very shitty present to give.

Really odd and intrusive either way. She isn’t family.

INeverForgetAFaceButInYourCaseIdLikeTo · 30/12/2023 13:26

I think you've massively over-thinking it all

JustExistingNotLiving · 30/12/2023 13:31

Ducksinthebath · 30/12/2023 13:18

Never ascribe to conspiracy what can be explained by cock up. It’s a bit of a mid-step for the partner but unless you know otherwise, she meant well. Just allow the decoration to get lost when you’re packing up the tree this year and think no more about that aspect.

⬆️⬆️ agree with this.

I also think it would be a good idea for you (and your DH?) to revisit why seeing that name is so upsetting for you. Maybe you are grieving for the child you thought they were. Maybe you are still dealing with wounds left from that period. But I think getting clarity on the reasons of your reaction would help you too.

Original poster
Mairtea · 30/12/2023 13:38

Some really interesting thinking in here, I really appreciate your help in unpicking my thoughts.

I am thinking about what my partner might say - he's such a nice, easy going guy I think he would see that she has tried to buy something personal for us and not see any negative.

@Ducksinthebath - yes, probably overthinking and maybe she doesn't really see the hurt. I think tucking the decoration away is a good response!

OP posts:
watcherintherye · 30/12/2023 13:41

Maybe she is a ‘fixer’ and thought that seeing the dc’s name together with all the others might encourage a reconciliation? Obviously very simplistic and rather too personal, and she should know relationships are far more complex than that, but could be an explanation?

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 30/12/2023 14:06

Duh · 30/12/2023 13:20

If she was oblivious to the issue with the DC it would have just been over stepping, as she is aware it’s a very shitty present to give.

Really odd and intrusive either way. She isn’t family.

Edited

Of course she’s family. There’s no wonder so many people have MIL issues if they all think like that!

Duh · 30/12/2023 14:23

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 30/12/2023 14:06

Of course she’s family. There’s no wonder so many people have MIL issues if they all think like that!

Show quote history

I’m confused at your comment @FlatWhiteExtraHot as I thought the person who gave the gift is a new partner of one of the DCs. That isn’t family, she may become part of the family if they are together a long time but I wouldn’t count her as family yet.

Original poster
Mairtea · 30/12/2023 14:29

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 30/12/2023 14:06

Of course she’s family. There’s no wonder so many people have MIL issues if they all think like that!

Show quote history

We have met DC’s partner - the gift giver, three times. We welcome her to our family events and hope she continues to be in this relationship so that we can get to know her and her children more.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 30/12/2023 14:32

It's a rather extreme reaction to a name on a decoration, do you want to just obliterate this person from memory? In tears at a name 🙄

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 30/12/2023 14:35

Duh · 30/12/2023 14:23

I’m confused at your comment @FlatWhiteExtraHot as I thought the person who gave the gift is a new partner of one of the DCs. That isn’t family, she may become part of the family if they are together a long time but I wouldn’t count her as family yet.

Show quote history

So how long do your children have to be with a partner before you deign to consider them family? Ten years?

If my kids like someone enough to bring them home, then they will be welcomed into the family. The OP says herself that she has done the same.

Sugarfree23 · 30/12/2023 14:48

Op this has obviously triggered your feelings about the LC child. Could there be a proper reconciliation with them?

I think it's been choosen as a gift to signal you are a blended family unit.
She and her partner are also a becoming a blended family unit. Your stepson now has stepchildren. You have step-step grandchildren.

Duh · 30/12/2023 14:50

@FlatWhiteExtraHot I don’t want to derail the OPs thread with this but I really don’t think I’m being controversial in saying a new partner of a child isn’t considered family. Of course I don’t have a specific time frame as to when they become so, who does?! But a ‘new partner’ clearly isn’t considered ‘family’ just yet. That doesn’t mean she isn’t welcomed!

Anyway, irrespective of whether she is or isn’t family it doesn’t seem a very emotionally intelligent gift to put the name of an estranged child on something.

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