Page 2 | Christmas gift, feeling strangely upset and can't fathom.

Mairtea · 2023-12-30T11:35:51+00:00

So, the new partner of my step son, gave me a Christmas decoration, with the names of our adult DC’s on it. We have 6 between the two of us. So far so good, except we are very low contact with one DC, due to past difficulties. I worked hard to cover my upset, but if I'm honest wanted to cry. I suppose I'm trying to work through my emotional response and reaction, including her reasons for the gift.

comfyshoes2022 · 30/12/2023 15:07

ThreeRingCircus · 30/12/2023 11:39

I think your reaction is understandable, but I wouldn't read too deeply into her motivations. She probably just thought it was a nice gift and something personal without realising it would cause upset.

100%.

Original poster

Mairtea · 30/12/2023 15:07

HerMammy · 30/12/2023 14:32

It's a rather extreme reaction to a name on a decoration, do you want to just obliterate this person from memory? In tears at a name 🙄

No extreme reaction at all. I said I covered my reaction and said ‘I wanted to cry’, not that I was ‘in tears at a name’.

I'm mulling it over, with help here, that's all. Fathoming out my feelings with help.

OP posts:

Newchapterbeckons · 30/12/2023 15:17

This is your issue that you are projecting on to her. She wasn’t around at the time, has only met you all three times, how can she possibly know?!

Choosing a personal, thoughtful gift like that indicates how much she values her relationship. Your reaction to it is the area that needs work, probably counselling as a bare minimum.

Gnomegnomegnome · 30/12/2023 15:22

Does her partner see the sibling that you are not in contact with?

Original poster

Mairtea · 30/12/2023 15:36

Newchapterbeckons · 30/12/2023 15:17

This is your issue that you are projecting on to her. She wasn’t around at the time, has only met you all three times, how can she possibly know?!

Choosing a personal, thoughtful gift like that indicates how much she values her relationship. Your reaction to it is the area that needs work, probably counselling as a bare minimum.

Nah, i think counselling would be a massive overreaction. As I said above, I'm mulling this over and appreciate the thoughts of others.

She does know that we are not in touch with DC (DSC) - she has met this DC too.

I also said above that she wasn't around when the issues happened, so can't know the distress caused at the time. Maybe she is trying to fix it, or giving a reminder about all of our DC’s, not just those we see.

OP posts:

Newchapterbeckons · 30/12/2023 15:49

Mairtea · 30/12/2023 15:36

Nah, i think counselling would be a massive overreaction. As I said above, I'm mulling this over and appreciate the thoughts of others.

She does know that we are not in touch with DC (DSC) - she has met this DC too.

I also said above that she wasn't around when the issues happened, so can't know the distress caused at the time. Maybe she is trying to fix it, or giving a reminder about all of our DC’s, not just those we see.

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Well your feelings do not seem very moderate and seem to others and me an overreaction.

If they had missed the child off that would have been even more hurtful.

You are not at peace with the situation, this is the takeaway. It’s very sad and uncomfortable, so maybe needs addressing with the missing child?

akissbeforebed · 30/12/2023 15:54

I wonder if she's worried that if the relationship ever heals, there will be a constant reminder of it as that DC has no decoration?

Alternatively, maybe she asked her partner and he said to just do one for each child.

I think you're reading too much into this.

MondayBags678 · 30/12/2023 16:01

Would it have been worse if she’d missed a name off like they didn’t exist?
perhaps she thought it might be offensive to leave name out
or maybe she doesn’t know the history and just thought it would be a thoughtful kind gift with some meaning
I don’t think it was meant intentionally to upset anyone
but obviously it’s hard for you when presented with something like this

CantFindTheBeat · 30/12/2023 16:01

It's an odd present for her to buy you, OP, given that she's your stepson's girlfriend and you've only met her a few times.

More odd given that she knows you are low contact with one of the adult DCs. In that situation, the obvious move it to avoid all potential minefields. Instead, she seems to have deliberately chosen to blow one up when it's absolutely nothing to do with her.

I think, as a previous poster has said, she may be a fixer who thinks she can help things heal. Or she may be a meddler. Or she may be a romantic and completely oblivious.

In all cases - it was the wrong present and she should have butted out.

pizzaHeart · 30/12/2023 16:07

I also think that she wanted to give thoughtful and personal gift but it didn’t work due to your personal problems. From my point of view it’s really nice gift.

MistletoeandJd · 30/12/2023 16:09

She was probably trying to give something really thoughtful and sentimental I mean I would have taken it as a lovely gift and a way to have ncdc 'involved ' still at the most family time of the year =/

puddypud · 30/12/2023 16:17

I think it's an unusual gift to give but presumably she had input from her partner, who is a sibling of the low contact child. It would be more odd if they were missed off and surely could make the situation much worse.

DiegosMomHasGotItGoingOn · 30/12/2023 16:33

Given you are low contact and not no contact I don’t think the gift giver did anything wrong. The siblings seem to be in contact if she had met the DC in question.

Topseyt123 · 30/12/2023 16:34

I suspect it was well intentioned and meant to be thoughtful, but has simply missed the mark.

Does she know much about the historical relationships in your family? She might not have fully understood the complexities of any family disputes as some families can end up very complex. Ours is.

WhichEllie · 30/12/2023 16:41

Newchapterbeckons · 30/12/2023 15:17

This is your issue that you are projecting on to her. She wasn’t around at the time, has only met you all three times, how can she possibly know?!

Choosing a personal, thoughtful gift like that indicates how much she values her relationship. Your reaction to it is the area that needs work, probably counselling as a bare minimum.

This 100%.

It’s not an odd gift and she hasn’t overstepped or “cocked up.” She has children herself and will become (or already is?) a blended family with her partner. I’m sure she thought it would be a nice gesture to give a decoration with all the children’s names on it in OP’s blended family. I doubt she views herself as a “fixer” and there’s no need to ascribe ill-intent to an innocent gesture.

Riverlee · 30/12/2023 16:44

I guess seeing the name brings it home how difficult your relationship with that dc is. However, leaving off the name would probably be worse.

Re-frame your mind acknowledging that it was a nice gesture.

Original poster

Mairtea · 30/12/2023 17:18

akissbeforebed · 30/12/2023 15:54

I wonder if she's worried that if the relationship ever heals, there will be a constant reminder of it as that DC has no decoration?

Alternatively, maybe she asked her partner and he said to just do one for each child.

I think you're reading too much into this.

There isn’t a decoration for each child.

The decoration has the name of all 6 children listed and a picture to represent each. It was a gift to me by one step child’s partner to me, as the step parent to these adult children ( as well as my own children, also listed).

OP posts:

Original poster

Mairtea · 30/12/2023 17:21

Riverlee · 30/12/2023 16:44

I guess seeing the name brings it home how difficult your relationship with that dc is. However, leaving off the name would probably be worse.

Re-frame your mind acknowledging that it was a nice gesture.

Yes, I agree with you, as I said above, likely a no win situation for her.

Add the missing adult child and possibly cause some uncomfortable feelings; leave the missing adult child off and also cause some uncomfortable feelings….

OP posts:

Sugarfree23 · 30/12/2023 17:43

I definitely think it's about acknowledging your step kids as part of your family.
Her kids are also now part of the family.

It would have been even more weird for her to leave the LC child off, esp as she's only met you 3 times and I'm going to assume one of them was a family occasion when she also met LC child.

Dazedandcovidconfused · 30/12/2023 18:27

Newchapterbeckons · 30/12/2023 15:17

This is your issue that you are projecting on to her. She wasn’t around at the time, has only met you all three times, how can she possibly know?!

Choosing a personal, thoughtful gift like that indicates how much she values her relationship. Your reaction to it is the area that needs work, probably counselling as a bare minimum.

Agree with this.

Newchapterbeckons · 30/12/2023 19:27

Mairtea · 30/12/2023 17:21

Yes, I agree with you, as I said above, likely a no win situation for her.

Add the missing adult child and possibly cause some uncomfortable feelings; leave the missing adult child off and also cause some uncomfortable feelings….

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And yet from your tone it seems you feel she shouldn’t have given such a gift at all, despite knowing she doesn’t have a clue about the details.

Are you sure this isn’t your conscience pricking away at Christmas? Or guilt? It sounds like it to me.

Original poster

Mairtea · 30/12/2023 19:45

Newchapterbeckons · 30/12/2023 19:27

And yet from your tone it seems you feel she shouldn’t have given such a gift at all, despite knowing she doesn’t have a clue about the details.

Are you sure this isn’t your conscience pricking away at Christmas? Or guilt? It sounds like it to me.

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I don't know why you feel the need to pick at me?

I keep saying, I'm mulling this over, appreciate the views of others, happy to see what others think. This is CHAT.

I don't know what you mean regarding ‘knowing she doesn't have a clue about the details’?
As I said above, she knows there is low contact, she knows we don't see DC, she knows that this has been ongoing for a number of years, she knows DC’s issues.
I said ‘she wasn't around at the time so can't know the distress caused’ - meaning it is very different going through a series of incidents, living it day by day, seeing and feeling the damage done, rather than being told about it a few years later.

OP posts:

CantFindTheBeat · 30/12/2023 21:08

@Newchapterbeckons

Not sure if you have any insight the rest of us don't, but you seem very keen to point a loosely-disguised insidious finger of blame at the OP, who from what I can see, has been fully accepting of different perspectives on this thread.

SpringViolet · 30/12/2023 21:25

Hmmm, I think the fact she gave it to you, not your partner or as a joint gift, may imply something. It’s a very personal kind of gift from someone relatively new into the family (as a girlfriend) and who you’ve only met 3 times. A handcream or nice mug would have been more appropriate if they wanted to give a gift!

Seems to me she’s trying to make a point to you remember that there are 6 DC. Does the LC DC blame you in some way that they’re not being part of the family? Or has the sibling who’s girlfriend it is told her stuff to frame it that way? Maybe that sibling got her to give it so it wasn’t directly from them? Where would she have got the pictures from (assuming they are actual pictures of them all)?

May well be wide off the mark there.

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 07:01

Mairtea · 30/12/2023 19:45

I don't know why you feel the need to pick at me?

I keep saying, I'm mulling this over, appreciate the views of others, happy to see what others think. This is CHAT.

I don't know what you mean regarding ‘knowing she doesn't have a clue about the details’?
As I said above, she knows there is low contact, she knows we don't see DC, she knows that this has been ongoing for a number of years, she knows DC’s issues.
I said ‘she wasn't around at the time so can't know the distress caused’ - meaning it is very different going through a series of incidents, living it day by day, seeing and feeling the damage done, rather than being told about it a few years later.

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It sounds like you are sad with the gift giver, and it’s triggered emotions surrounding the missing dc. I would be looking at why you are so upset, not at the gift itself.