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Original poster

My 6 year old keeps stealing money - how do I parent this?!

78 replies

alxz · 27/12/2023 14:50

I'm absolutely at a loss with how to parent this.

My 6yo DS keeps stealing money.
It kept being a few pound lying around the house was hidden somewhere under his bed - this stealing meant that he lost his privilege of doing chores to get money (he wants football cards).

This hasn't happened in a couple months but just had a situation today where he's stolen £10 of his brother's Christmas money and gone and hidden it in his room.

I'm at a loss. I'm just so disappointed in him. I don't even know what to do.
I ask him why and he says 'something just came into my head/something just came over my brain'.

OP posts:
jannier · 27/12/2023 14:54

I hate the doing chores for money. You should do chores to help contribute to family not just for reward.
Is he doing it for a purpose or attention/getting back at brother/jealousy

thedementedelf · 27/12/2023 14:54

Give him an absolute bollocking and no pocket money for a month.

You need to come down hard on this.

He also has to apologise to his brother for stealing his money.

Original poster
alxz · 27/12/2023 14:57

@jannier it was more like 'above and beyond' chores, rather than normal.

Can't be putting down to anything to do specifically with his brother as it is the first occasion of taking from him specifically.

@thedementedelf he hasn't had pocket money in months anyway due to the last incidents. And his brother doesn't actually know he had took it.

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WhateverMate · 27/12/2023 15:00

alxz · 27/12/2023 14:57

@jannier it was more like 'above and beyond' chores, rather than normal.

Can't be putting down to anything to do specifically with his brother as it is the first occasion of taking from him specifically.

@thedementedelf he hasn't had pocket money in months anyway due to the last incidents. And his brother doesn't actually know he had took it.

Then make him own up to his brother, look him in the eye and tell him he stole his money.

Original poster
alxz · 27/12/2023 15:07

@WhateverMate this is something he should definitely do - but I don't think it would have much effect going forward in stopping this behaviour?

OP posts:
Seas164 · 27/12/2023 15:15

Children can steal as a reaction to feeling insecure. Rather than coming down like a tonne of bricks is there a way you can address what's going on for him in a wider sense? Giving him a massive bollocking won't help, it will just push the behaviour and the reason for it further underground/out of the home where you won't be able to help him.

Try not to see him as a bad person and be disappointed in him, rather see this is a wrong choice and accept that it will have a cause. Try to react like a calm and curious loving parent who wants to help, rather than a vengeful prison warden trying to fix him.

jannier · 27/12/2023 15:16

WhateverMate · 27/12/2023 15:00

Then make him own up to his brother, look him in the eye and tell him he stole his money.

Edited
Show quote history

Definitely a starting point,

Original poster
alxz · 27/12/2023 15:18

@Seas164 yeah, I think that's why I'm at a loss. I've tried the bollocking approach in past incidences, I've also tried the gentle parent 'let's talk' and tried to sympathise that there's a root cause to a behaviour... but now it's happening again and I don't know how to approach it again Sad just keep trying to talk it through even though we've been through this before?

OP posts:
Seas164 · 27/12/2023 15:46

He might be a bit young to talk it through, or give you any specific reason that he's doing it, he more than likely doesn't know and won't be able to see the direct link between say, feeling lonely, wanting your attention, feeling jealous of a sibling, etc and taking the tenner. Even adults can find it difficult to "explain" their behaviour.

I'd just not panic, step back and see if you can get him to chat more generally about things in general, how he's feeling at school, five things that make him feel happy, five things that make him feel sad, does he ever feel lonely etc and then just listen and play detective. This doesn't necessarily mean you'll be visiting him in prison, try not to panic.

Lollypop701 · 27/12/2023 16:10

If he’s not had any pocket money in months, then to his 6yo self it’s probably just overwhelming to see the money. I have to say a punishment of months is too long at that age imo.

. I also tried reverse at that age… if he has some money take it and let him feel the pain, because he doesn’t really understand (yes he knows it’s bad but doesn’t really understand) how someone feels when the money they have is taken. Then have a talk about how he felt etc.

im sure he will be fine op, parenting is so hard sometimes

AtLeastHalfRelieved · 27/12/2023 16:12

What does he want the money for ? Does he have opportunities to spend it? If not, then does he even really understand what money is and what makes it different from anything less-emotive-to-adults?

Seeline · 27/12/2023 16:17

If he's saving for something specific that he really wants and hasn't had pocket money for months I can understand why temptation won.

How much understanding of money does he have? If he gets pocket money, does he have to save some and have some to spend, or can he spend it all? Does he know how long it would take to save for what he wants? Have you sat down and helped him work it out?

Instant gratification is normal with young kids.

margotrose · 27/12/2023 16:21

I don't think punishments that last for weeks or months really work at that age - they're too young to really understand it.

Consequences need to be immediate and quick.

IncompleteSenten · 27/12/2023 16:25

He's told you very clearly exactly why he does it.
When he tells you "something just came into my head/something just came over my brain'."

He's explaining as best he can that he's 6 years old and has very poor impulse control.

He will improve over time.

Talk to him about how he thinks someone would feel if they get stolen from.

Ask him to tell you what he wants to spend the money on.

Maybe even ask him how he would get to the shop and how he would explain to you where he got the money from.

As well as helping him develop his impulse control and empathy you could help reduce temptation by getting a locked piggy bank for your other child. Making it more difficult for your son to give in to his impulses may give him the time he needs to realise what he's doing and change his mind.

Thesearmsofmine · 27/12/2023 16:25

I wouldn’t remove his pocket money for months, that’s always going to lead to trouble and cause temptation just like not allowing chocolate for months and then leaving some in front of him. I would chat to him about money and that you know it’s tempting but isn’t for him to take even if it’s out on view

I would reinstate his pocket money OP, in my house there s pocket money which isn’t dependent on anything in particular and then if they are wanting to earn extra they can by doing various extra things.

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 27/12/2023 16:27

Six is so young still, I would says he’s clearly too young and lacks the required impulse control to manage money and just remove money from his orbit. Month long punishments of taking his pocket money are for teens. He just wouldn’t be getting money at all if he was mine, and since he presumably can’t spend money without an adult taking him to a shop then stealing it becomes pointless. Try again when he’s a bit older, in the meantime I’d agree to buy him the occasional magazine or sweets or whatever his pocket money was supposed to cover.

And I take the view that if a particular toy or interest is causing repeated poor behaviour, that toy or interest will be stopped. If he’s stealing to buy football cards then the cards would be in the bin and there’d be no more allowed in the house.

SummerSazz · 27/12/2023 16:31

I agree that the deprivation of pocket money will exacerbate the impulsiveness to take some if he sees it so would reinstate.

Pocket money in our house was 10p per year of age per week which could be doubled if the kids had been well behaved, polite, helpful etc. every weekend we'd discuss whether it was base pocket money or up to double (with a range in between). Usually the kids would be harsher on themselves as to what was due!

Inflation has probably pushed the 10p up!

muchalover · 27/12/2023 16:38

I don't think he should be humiliated by confessing to stealing to his brother at all. Far too much power to a brother who may use it over and over and tells friends who will judge your little boy possibly damaging him for years.

He's 6. Consequences are still being learned. Months of deprivation if money is unfair. As a mid/late teen possibly but a 6y/o is extreme.

A quick consequence and the new leaf with hope for his redemption. Punishment should be over the same day even if the consequence has happen a couple of days later such as having to wash the family car. This gives a sense of achievement, that he has paid his dues and the issue is done with. He can even have fun doing it. He's 6.

Giving his brother evidence to hang over him, the shame he will experience is not ok.

Lucy377 · 27/12/2023 16:45

How many siblings has he?

It could be because it's the logical way to get more football cards. Is he a bit obsessive with the cards?

Otherwise smaller kids sometimes steal, esp small objects around the house, as a way to express control over their situation.

They may want to get noticed in a very busy or stressed household.

Esp if there has been a worrying change at home, or something feels out of their control.

Takentomybed · 27/12/2023 16:57

I think if he has admitted to taking it he should be given credit for owning up. Then he could give it back to his brother and say sorry. He needs to feel uncomfortable. By feeling a certain amount of shame he will avoid doing it again. You should then quickly move on with no further discussion about it.

My daughter went through a stage of taking stuff. She did grow out if it

Peasand · 27/12/2023 17:31

I would never stop pocket money. If a husband stopped a wife having personal money it would be financial abuse.
He wants to collect something but doesn’t have the means to do it. How else is he supposed to deal with this problem.
ask him to apologise and then reinstate his money and give him some cash as a Christmas present,

gamerchick · 27/12/2023 17:33

Stealing is usually because there's an unmet need. They don't get very much to control in their lives when little.

Coyoacan · 27/12/2023 17:42

I do think several months without pocket money probably caused this latest problem, but when my dgd started stealing we explained to her that, apart from being wrong, nobody could ever invite a known thief to their house or let their children play with one.

MistletoeRegrets · 27/12/2023 18:03

He’s six! He doesn’t understand how money is acquired, held, or owned. Or the unique place it holds in human culture and emotion. So no amount of talking and punishing is really of much help. You can only let him know that stealing is not acceptable and mustn’t happen again. And then put temptation out of his way.

It’s very common for children to go through a phase of stealing money once they start learning about it at school. Mostly they mature out of it in a matter of weeks.

Tinseltomato · 27/12/2023 18:19

I'm with pp who say it's probably because he's had no pocket money in months. I don't know at 6 if he understands where money comes from or how it works properly.

He probably feels he has no access to money and might need it or want it. I think months of punishment feels like a long time for a child so young. What was this for?

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