My 6 year old keeps stealing money - how do I parent this?!

[alxz]

I'm absolutely at a loss with how to parent this.

My 6yo DS keeps stealing money.
It kept being a few pound lying around the house was hidden somewhere under his bed - this stealing meant that he lost his privilege of doing chores to get money (he wants football cards).

This hasn't happened in a couple months but just had a situation today where he's stolen £10 of his brother's Christmas money and gone and hidden it in his room.

I'm at a loss. I'm just so disappointed in him. I don't even know what to do.
I ask him why and he says 'something just came into my head/something just came over my brain'.

I'd make him pay back to his brother double what he stole. He could pay back some money every week. I'd be making him do jobs to earn extra money and then make him hand it over to his brother. If you don't make it a hard punishment he'll do it again. No one will trust him and it will blight his life.

Honestly, @caringcarer all that seems nonsensical to me! And I do have experience of just this issue.

It’s a phase. He doesn’t understand the significance of money. It doesn’t mean he’s on his way to a life of crime and disgrace.

I used to steal small sums of money when I was about that age. I think it was because my parents were very poor and we didn’t really get pocket money. I saw my classmates with nice stuff and I just wanted to get something nice too. I was never caught but I still remember the guilt and shame after I took the money. In one case, I actually put it back a few days later.

Fortunately, I never turned to a life of crime and am now a responsible member of society.

He’s a bit young for pocket money anyway IMO. Why are you leaving money around where he can take it, if you know he’s tempted to do so? Put it where he can’t get at it.

This is ridiculous, this is a 6 year old, a young child. Sometimes I find it really concerning the way people come up with harsh punishments for young children, no wonder there are so many teens (and adults) who are anxious if this is the way their parents are doling out harsh punishments instead of teaching them in a age appropriate manner.

@Seeline he's allowed to spend it how he wants. He only wants money for football cards - he is aware of amounts of money/how much he'd have to save etc.

The punishment of not getting pocket money ended up being months because of the multiple incidences of it happening - and to me it didn't feel too much like an 'ongoing punishment' as I don't feel 'pocket money' is a necessity for a 6 year old, more of a luxury? He only wants football cards with his money and he's had the opportunity to 'earn' these with doing well in school, scoring goals in his matches, being kind etc so he hasn't been deprived of what he wants if that makes sense.

@Lucy377 3 siblings. I wouldn't say he's 'obsessive' with the cards but he does really love collecting them.

Just to clarify with the frequent comments coming up:

The 'pocket money' was only a super brief novelty anyway. He had it for a week or two, then the stealing started, and after 2-3 incidences of stealing, the privilege of pocket money was taken away. I don't see it as a long-term punishment, just that that privilege has gone as he wasn't mature enough to understand money and not to steal it! I don't think a 6yo is entitled to pocket money - it was just a luxury he was offered when considering the football card interest. He has still got football cards in that time, he hasn't been deprived, he just hasn't physically been given the novelty of having the money for them and has 'earned' them through kindness and good work etc.

Financial abuse 😂😂

This is where people are required to parent. Not give him more money ffs.

Honestly, this is where we have problems. Everyone understands etc. He steals money because it gets him what he wants, he believes. He needs to learn quickly it won’t. Plus he’ll also have a consequence. Take away something there and then.

He's very young, why are you disappointed? Don't be too hard on him. When I was 6 I pocketed a silk flower I found loose in a display at a store which my mother found in the wash. My dad then gave me a stern talk and said he would call the owner of the store and make me give it back and apologize. It was so scary and humiliating. He didn't do that but it scarred me anyway. I didn't even understand any of it at the time. It's not the same as stealing money from family and he probably does understand on a basic level. But not on the level you do. I would keep it age appropriate and explain to him it makes you and his brother very sad, and to please give it back. I wouldn't come up with a punishment, I just don't think it would work. I would appeal to his emotions. Like how would you feel if brother stole your football cards and hid them under his bed? I might even put them there to show him how unfair and violating it feels. It's a teaching moment, and anything that causes shame makes things worse. My sister always got away with this stuff, and stole from me even into adulthood! My mother and I once visited her with the sole intent to get all our things back from her. Don't let it go but don't be too hard on him either.

None of my DC suffer from anxiety. None of them steal either.

Those things might be true. However I'd be willing to bet that there are plenty people who did receive "a hard punishment" which was incommensurate to their age and what they'd done, who they did do it again, nobody trusts them and it did blight their life. Spoiler, prisons are not full of adults who's parents focused on meeting their children's emotional needs and building and maintaining a mutually respectful guiding relationship with them over a lifetime.

Children aren't born bad, they don't need the wrong punishing out of them, and parenting by fear is outdated and unnecessary. Now we know better, we do better, there is plenty of research out there if you're interested.

Take away the football cards for 2/3 days max a week and give them back a few at a time stating that they are his - And how did he feel when someting of his was taken away ? That he should not take money to have any more as that is wrong ...If he steals money or whatever again then they will be taken away for longer until he learns ... Maybe worth a try .

I don't see it as a long-term punishment, just that that privilege has gone as he wasn't mature enough to understand money and not to steal it!

How does he see it?

How is he able to get into a situation where he can do the same thing wrong, again and again? He’s six, he’s got no impulse control and for all the posters implying he’s going to start robbing houses soon, he’s below the age of criminal responsibility. Just stop setting him up to fail. Remove any access to money. Don’t leave it lying around, get his brother a lockable box and make sure the key is not accessible to his little brother. He will probably grow out of it. Then keep reinforcing to the little one that we have to respect other people’s things. You can use social stories and comic strip conversations for this (Google them). Shaming him is NOT going to stop the behaviour and will probably make it worse - stealing and lying are both very typical behaviours in children with attachment disorder who feel a massive amount of internalised toxic shame. I am absolutely not saying that this little boy has attachment disorder! I am saying that shaming him is not going to help the behaviour get better.

Do his siblings get pocket money?

If so, giving it to him for a couple of weeks and then taking it away again for months seems very unfair. And gives him even more of a reason to help himself to theirs.

Hmm I wouldn't have pocket money linked to things like-doing well at school and scoring goals at his matches-those things aren't really something he can control, and work hard at? Surely they're down to natural ability or luck and other people's behaviour at the same time, seems a bit unfair to punish those. Not sure if that's related to your original problem, but it does strike me as unfair.

@Seeline only his oldest stepsibling via card payments but he's in his teens.

As a teacher, now early retired but taught for almost 25 years, I have seen how changes in standards of parenting to now often ineffective gentle parenting with no consequences for bad behaviour have meant the children of these parents spiraling out of hand, often resulting in these children preventing other children learning, sometimes suspension from school and occasionally exclusions. These parents often end up with children who don't have any idea of what good behaviour looks like as they are allowed to do whatever they please hitting other children or taking their things without asking with no consequences. It's not the children's fault it's the parents who can't be bothered to make their children realise hurting others and stealing are bad decisions.

You've blown this out of all proportion. He is only six.

Stop having money lying about. Explain why we each have to only spend our own money - explain you would not ever take his money.

Reinstate the pocket money. If he steals again, take back the stolen money and have a non-money consequence.

This is nonsense. Decades ago children fought openly at school, bullying was rife, racist abuse commonplace, sexual assault ignored.

You have rewritten history.

He is only 6. So does he really know the value of money?
For example if you asked a 5yr old did they want 3 pound coins or a 5 pound note, they'd take the coins because it's 'more' money.

Does the 6yr old really know what can be bought for money?
Or is he taking it because he gets a reaction?

Are there young children in the house?

Punishment has its place, but the main thing is to make the child understand that this is wrong because, if they don't, they will incur society's punishment of being socially ostracised.

I agree.
He's only 6. 4 years under what is accepted as criminal responsibility. Fir a reason.
You need to give an immediate, not ongoing, punishment. Then explain the consequences of what will happen if he repeats.
To go without pocket money for months in not something he can cope with. It's a lifetime to a kid. Reinstate. Maybe use New Year, new start, with all consequences laid out bare, together with how it's made you feel.

Plus the UK age of criminal responsibility is very low, at only 10. It was set a long time ago, when children were treated far more harshly and before brain development was understood.