Adult child ruined xmas

[ireallycantthinkofaname]

title refers to me fwiw
Currently hiding in bedroom because dad has music cranked so loud the stairs are vibrating and ASD/ANBP/misophonia/eupd means xmas lunch round the table which we don't normally do is my idea of fucking hell
I feel like such a fucking scumbag failure can't look my wonderful parents in the eye but > < that close to full meltdown/crisis and thought better avoided

You're not a failure. Can you ask your Dad to please turn the music down because it's triggering your sensory issues?

It would be my idea of hell too and I’m not ND. Can’t you excuse yourself with a headache and go home ? Or if you would need to travel home, maybe put some headphones on stay in the bedroom and say you feel unwell. Anything to help you get through it.

I presume your dad knows that you have ASD/ANBP/misophonia/eupd? If so he's just a knob sorry. What is your mothers take on all this?

When I told mum I wouldn't be eating with them (took plate to room) she said, 'that's fine, I knew you'd find it hard so if that's what you need to do it's what you need to do.' She looked horrendously despondent saying it though. I feel like such a fucking let down. 22 and I can't even eat properly

Sounds like it's your dad who has ruined it. WTF is he thinking? No one needs music during Xmas lunch (not even quiet) let alone loudly.

You so what you need to do to get through the day. I struggle with lots of people and I’ve helped all morning and just finished the washing up so am hiding upstairs for a bit for a break. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

It's okay for you to feel that way.
I have all my family here and I can see my 25 year old son is struggling and I've said to him it's fine if he wants to go and have a nap or just get away from all the noise and stuff

This is a them issue, not a you issue. To put it in context, your neurodivergent conditions cause you to not be able to join in and the world not to be accessible for you.

If they had someone who was a wheelchair user, they would not just leave them outside with no ramp and just say it is a shame they can't join in.

If they had someone who was blind/low vision, they wouldn't just tell them to get on with it when navigating an unfamiliar space.

When it comes to ND conditions, people can't comprehend how disabling it can be at times and the statement just get on with it/over it or the exclusion that comes from, in this case, loud music being played, is ableist and ignorant.

This is not your fault, you have not ruined or broken anything. They are not being inclusive and are not making Christmas accessible.

P.S. I am ND and have spent years trying to get my head in a better place from thoughts like you are having.

The first paragraph should have said your ND conditions are causing you not to be able to join in because they are not making the world accessible.

That would drive me mad, Op and as far as I know, I am NT. 💐🎄

Your Mum sounds lovely. Your Dad sounds like a bully. He has ruined Christmas. My ASD 13 yo has his Christmas pizza away from the table. Happy boy, happy Christmas. (The grandparents disapprove, but why would I set him up to fail on Xmas Day.) Put some headphones on to damp the sound and pray for Dad to fall asleep after dinner. This isn't on you.

Sorry I can't get my words out today, Christmas has broken me... your ND conditions aren't the issue, they are.

Oh sweetheart, you are not ruining it. You're giving it your best and that's all anyone can do. Not sure your dad is mustering quite the same amount of consideration and effort though!

This is not you letting your parents down. Why is your Dad playing loud music when it makes things harder for you?! Regardless, enjoy your day as best you can. It is fine if this does not confirm to the majority of people’s ideas of Christmas.

For next year try getting some "loop" earplugs they are for this exact issue. Don't beat yourself up, it's a horrible thing to suffer from. My DD finds communal eating difficult too and likes to sit at the far end of the fully extended dining table!

I hate loud noises. It’s not you, OP - your Dad needs to grow up.

This.... FGS it's Xmas.... Your parents are out of order

Youre not a let down. You’re not a let down at all. I’m currently in my hotel room with my 11 year old autistic son whilst my husband/other sons/parents are eating together. I’m not sad and I don’t feel hard done by. Yes it’s a bit strange by neurotypical expectations but he’s managed an awful lot today and completely needs the downtime. And neurotypical expectations suit neurotypicals and cost my youngest son dear. Having my non neurotypical child has taught me, all of us, so much and brought me a fantastic new perspective. It has been absolutely amazing raising a child who has logically challenged many rather daft ‘givens’ and ‘expectations’ and has never wanted presents/material things/nagged for treats/sweets etc. He is absolutely incredible and I can’t even express how much he is the opposite of a disappointment. I am sure your mum appreciates you for exactly who you are.

My son is 22 and he'd react like you did. I'm 46 and so would I. Blaring music/ TV is stressful and it's very inconsiderate of your dad not to turn it down while you're eating.

You haven't ruined Christmas. Your dad who is refusing to adapt the family celebrations to your sensory issues is ruining Christmas. I'm 55, I have 7 other people in the house with me, 3 of whom have autism/ADHD/other sensory issues. We have adapted what we do and how we do it, because we love each other and that is how it should be. Your dad is a knob.

My dd is 23 and is like you. She never ever snaps but once at dinner a few years ago she told me to please stop fiddling with a paper napkin in my hand. It made a noice. I could see she was close to crying. I’m sad she didn’t tell me before. She also can’t stand the sound of the hoover. But it’s actually a bit better now.

I feel like that when my colleague is eating an apple..or someone chewing loud or scraping their knife on a plate.

My dd certainly isn’t a disappontment tough, I love her to death. Do what you have to do to cope. Merry Christmas!

It's not you, it's your dad. Why would he turn the music up to uncomfortable levels and prevent you joining them? Why does your mum not ask him to turn it down - is she frightened of him?
If they have attached neighbours it's probably not much fun for them either.

Tbf to your dad, it’s not easy to understand how much it affects you. He just wants to listen to music for a while.

Loudly enough that the stairs vibrate? Hell no. If he wants it that loud he can listen through headphones.

Same