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Original poster

Adult child ruined xmas

59 replies

ireallycantthinkofaname · 25/12/2023 13:58

title refers to me fwiw
Currently hiding in bedroom because dad has music cranked so loud the stairs are vibrating and ASD/ANBP/misophonia/eupd means xmas lunch round the table which we don't normally do is my idea of fucking hell
I feel like such a fucking scumbag failure can't look my wonderful parents in the eye but > < that close to full meltdown/crisis and thought better avoided

OP posts:
SelectiveParticipation · 25/12/2023 15:24

pointythings · 25/12/2023 15:23

Loudly enough that the stairs vibrate? Hell no. If he wants it that loud he can listen through headphones.

Show quote history

My dh likes to listen to music that loud sometimes, and sing along.

SomeCatFromJapan · 25/12/2023 15:24

Tbf to your dad, it’s not easy to understand how much it affects you. He just wants to listen to music for a while.

He's presumably known her all her life so he if anyone should know.

Aparecium · 25/12/2023 15:26

You did not ruin Christmas. Having a meltdown and throwing the turkey might have ruined Christmas. You choose a calm, rational, mature way of coping - which ensured that the others could continue their Christmas unruined.

You don't have a You problem, you have a Them problem. You have done what you could. It's now up to them to do what they can to ensure that you get to enjoy Christmas, too.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

SEN
SelectiveParticipation · 25/12/2023 15:26

SomeCatFromJapan · 25/12/2023 15:24

Tbf to your dad, it’s not easy to understand how much it affects you. He just wants to listen to music for a while.

He's presumably known her all her life so he if anyone should know.

I’m just saying it’s easy to forget sometimes, if you’re not affected by it yourself.

CharlotteLightandDark · 25/12/2023 15:27

Can you go and turn it down yourself? Doesn’t have to be a song and dance, just do it, maybe when he’s not looking!

pointythings · 25/12/2023 15:28

@SelectiveParticipation then your DP is as antisocial as OP's dad. Nobody needs music that loud. If I played music that loud, my neighbours would be justified in contacting the police. And I very much doubt that OP's dad is unaware of OP's issues.

sprigatito · 25/12/2023 15:28

I can't even imagine being so selfish and inconsiderate as to create hostile conditions for my ND child and drive them away from the Christmas dinner table Sad

It's not you, it's him. I have ND 21 and 19 year olds, and accommodating their various sensory needs (and mine) is so baked into our family, it's second nature now. I'm so sorry your dad is so mean.

pointythings · 25/12/2023 15:30

I’m just saying it’s easy to forget sometimes, if you’re not affected by it yourself.

As the parent of two ND young adults - no. No, it isn't. Not unless you are an inconsiderate, self-absorbed twat with no capacity for empathy.

Pizdietz · 25/12/2023 15:31

ireallycantthinkofaname · 25/12/2023 14:36

When I told mum I wouldn't be eating with them (took plate to room) she said, 'that's fine, I knew you'd find it hard so if that's what you need to do it's what you need to do.' She looked horrendously despondent saying it though. I feel like such a fucking let down. 22 and I can't even eat properly

Aww no, OP, don't be hard on yourself. Your mum was probably looking despondent because she feels like piggy in the middle and your dad is being selfish. If he's been drinking, selfishness kind of goes with the territory. Do what you need to do to get through the day and try not to take it personally. Happy Xmas Flowers

ErrolTheRednosedDragon · 25/12/2023 15:31

My dh likes to listen to music that loud sometimes, and sing along.

Would he put this utterly trivial want above another persons need for a quieter environment though?

wronginalltherightways · 25/12/2023 15:32

If your parents wanted you at the table, your dad would not have the music cranked up so loud that you can feel the vibrations.

diddl · 25/12/2023 15:44

If it wasn't for the music would you be eating at the table anyway given that you don't normally & it is your idea of "fucking hell"?

That said the music sounds too loud to be bearable for anyone.

Dearover · 25/12/2023 15:46

We have to have music on louder than I would like so that our 21 year old can bear to sit at the table alongside me eating. Last year we had to go elsewhere for Christmas and it broke my heart to have to explain to her sick grandparent that she would need to eat her dinner with one of us in one room and the other with him in his living room as the noise was intolerable.

You haven't ruined Christmas. Please don't beat yourself up any further. It's so hard.

Tacotortoise · 25/12/2023 15:48

wronginalltherightways · 25/12/2023 15:32

If your parents wanted you at the table, your dad would not have the music cranked up so loud that you can feel the vibrations.

Tbf nothing about the opening post makes this sound like it's "just" about the music.

amysaurus87 · 25/12/2023 15:49

You've absolutely not ruined Christmas. I'm ND (ADHD) and that level of noise would have sent me into a meltdown.

Christmas is torture for me because while I love the time of year, the lights, sounds, smells, excited children (my own) means I spend a lot of time on the edge of a total meltdown.

I spent years masking it and now I'll happily carry myself off somewhere to regulate myself.

Good for you for doing what is best for you!

Merry Christmas OP

UnfortunateTypo · 25/12/2023 15:54

You’re not spoiling anything or letting anyone down at all! My DD is 20 and she’s autistic, today she just felt very overwhelmed so she’s in her room.

I asked if she wanted to join us and she couldn’t so I did a big tray of food and drink and she’s just hanging out in her room. She’s can’t help it, it’s just who she is.

Have you got some noise cancelling headphones you can pop in while your Dad is playing his music? Hopefully he’ll stop soon.

SelectiveParticipation · 25/12/2023 15:56

pointythings · 25/12/2023 15:28

@SelectiveParticipation then your DP is as antisocial as OP's dad. Nobody needs music that loud. If I played music that loud, my neighbours would be justified in contacting the police. And I very much doubt that OP's dad is unaware of OP's issues.

How do you know that nobody needs to have it that loud? You might not. Other people like it. So don’t assume everyone are like you. We live in a big house, I doubt very much our neighbours would notice and they certainly would not call the police and neither would we.

But, it’s not got much to do with op’s thread and I feel for her. I gave my dd noise cancelling earphones, they are great.

Scarletttulips · 25/12/2023 15:57

Buy your dad some headphones -
saves families and neighbour relations!!

DD is the same - sometimes she comes somethings she doesn’t - she has a choice and I let her choose. Often appears later in a quiet living room and watches something with me. I’m happy with that.

IncompleteSenten · 25/12/2023 15:58

It's not you. Your dad is being very inconsiderate.
My sons both have autism (as do I) and we make whatever accomodations we need to make to ensure we are all ok.

I would never want one of my children to feel as you do. Your dad doesn't need to have loud music. He's choosing to, knowing how it affects you.

Xmas2023namechange · 25/12/2023 16:04

You're not a failure, they're nit accommodating really quite minor adjustments.

I got these for Christmas today. So far they're really helping me. You can switch to 'engage' mode so that unlike traditional earplugs you can hear conversations etc but the sound is just reduced to a tolerable level. At the maximum mode it's like wearing ear defenders but less noticeable.

https://www.loopearplugs.com/products/switch

Loop Switch: 3-in-1 Earplug Sound Control

Discover the Loop Switch earplugs, offering revolutionary 3-in-1 sound control. Tailor your listening experience and enjoy comfort and style in any setting.

https://www.loopearplugs.com/products/switch

Sugarsun · 25/12/2023 16:07

You haven’t ruined Christmas.

If you’re not used to eating at the table then of course it’s going to be a challenge.

Christmas day is already stressful enough and any extra stress or changes can trigger any of us.

Why not go down and suggest watching a Christmas movie.
That way your dad will turn the music off and you will be involved (without needing to actually do anything or feel too overwhelmed).

ConnieCroydon · 25/12/2023 16:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

RedHelenB · 25/12/2023 16:42

SelectiveParticipation · 25/12/2023 15:18

Tbf to your dad, it’s not easy to understand how much it affects you. He just wants to listen to music for a while.

You could ask him to turn it down/ switch it off perhaps?

educatingrati · 25/12/2023 17:18

Next year get him some blue tooth headphones for Christmas, then he won't cause any issues.
You are not a disappointment, and you haven't ruined Christmas.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 25/12/2023 17:30

The loud music sounds like the stuff of nightmares. I’d have had to ask for it to be turned off if I was going to be in the same room.