Adult child ruined xmas

[ireallycantthinkofaname]

title refers to me fwiw
Currently hiding in bedroom because dad has music cranked so loud the stairs are vibrating and ASD/ANBP/misophonia/eupd means xmas lunch round the table which we don't normally do is my idea of fucking hell
I feel like such a fucking scumbag failure can't look my wonderful parents in the eye but > < that close to full meltdown/crisis and thought better avoided

You haven’t ruined Christmas, he has. What a selfish arse he is.

Oh darling you haven't ruined Christmas at all! They are being utterly cruel. They must know that you are autistic. My eldest DS is AUDHD and I love him more than anything. Yes, I would be quite happy to go away for Christmas or have family and friends over but I know he wouldn't cope with either and if he's not happy then I'm not happy. We have a schedule for Christmas day so that he knows what is happening when, he gets very upset not knowing what to expect. He has ear defenders and loops to use when needed but I would never blast music out like your Dad is. He goes upstairs for breaks when he needs to. He joins us at the table but can leave whenever he needs to. We make reasonable adjustments so that he can enjoy Christmas too (and for everything else too). And to be honest, it's not just about whether you are ND or not, it's about loving you and respecting you and wanting to include you. One year I nearly completely ruined DS's Christmas with the wrong gravy! We always have red bits but I'd bought a beef gravy and I didn't even think about it but it was all wrong for DS as it tasted different and he's put it all over his Christmas lunch. Fortunately I had enough to make a whole new year and quickly whipped up some red bisto for him. He was so good, I'd expected a full on meltdown but he just had a big cry, a cuddle and was okay but I felt like the worst mother in the world! My youngest two children are not ND but I still do some things differently to meet their needs. I don't know if your dad is always like this or if maybe he's just got a bit overexcited by Christmas, I hope it's the latter! But as others have said: this is very definitely a 'them problem' not a 'you problem'. And I think you are brilliant for recognising when you are getting overwhelmed and using your coping strategies, taking some time out. My DS is still learning to recognise when he is starting to get overwhelmed. Sending you a massive hug.

Thank you to all who commented kindly. Sorry for not responding.
To clarify, it wasn't just the music, it was the clattering pans, lots of people in a small space, HEAVY focus on food/meals, routine disruption, plus the music, all contributing to sensory overload. I was tired and underslept and stressed because my gran is unwell (she was in A&E Christmas eve but sent home) but deemed to have capacity and refusing carers; it's a horridly frustrating situation for everyone.
There would have been no point telling dad to turn the music down as he'd been drinking quite heavily and is himself likely also ND. Ironically neither he nor my brother had done any of the preparations: Mum did most of the 'Christmas' stuff (decorating and xmas meal prep) whilst I did the 'normal' every day stuff (dinner, taking the rubbish out, doing the cat litter - all that boring to keep the house functioning). It all just came to a head and yesterday I'd run out of energy to keep masking and keep functioning under the general pressure/expectation that always seems to come with this time of year.
Mum came up to check on me and we had a cuddle and I apologised, but she said it's just one day of the year and really not that much of a deal and nothing had been 'ruined'. (I love her so much <3.)

Aww your mum sounds great, sorry your dad is so selfish.

Thanks for the update @ireallycantthinkofaname. I sounds as though you and your mum muddled along. My own DD managed lunch with us, then disappeared back to her own space, popping down to see us when she could. There are many people who want or need to do Christmas differently.

Is your unwell Gran your Dad’s Mum? It may be that he’s very stressed about her health and acting like this to deal with his upset.

That doesn’t make it ok, but it’s more understandable, iyswim. I hope the rest of Christmas has been more fun for you, OP. 💐

@HamBone no, she's mum's mother.
My dad's parents are both dead, his father just a few months ago, so he's being cut some slack because it's his first Christmas with neither of his parents alive. Also he's currently going through ASD diagnosis. He isn't a bad person at all and I do love him very much, he just doesn't always realise his impact on others.

Oh poor your OP, I have a 16 year old autistic dd so I get it. Please don’t feel bad, you’ve done nothing wrong. Your mum sounds lovely.

Also I just wanted to say it’s fantastic that you understand yourself so well, this will help you going through life. We try and meet DD’s needs as much as possible but she hates being autistic and is denial.

53 here and I'd be upstairs too.

I spent a lot of my time eating in my room as a kid.

Your dad ruined Christmas here. You were set up to fail and your mum knows it.