Difficult situation for friend - multiple children, family death, you name it

[Bunnyannesummers]

I’m posting on behalf of a friend because she could use some advice but doesn’t do forums etc. It’s a bit long so please bear with.

She is 30, married to her American hubby, both have high flying 6 figure careers. Her lovely mum split from her dad when she was 10, and went on to have three more children with a man from SE Asia. Those children are now 10, 7 and 5. When the youngest was a baby her mum was diagnosed with a degenerative, life limited condition. The father of the youngest children promptly ran back to his home country and attempts to track him down suggest he is actually now in jail (what a Prince). Her mum was given a life expectancy of 10-15 years at that point, but has recently gone downhill after a series of ill health and now is realistically looking at a couple of years, but only a few months before she can’t look after her children.

It’s been agreed for years that my friend will take on the children, they’re aware, they have rooms in her house, therapy etc. Her mum has had excellent financial and legal advice, and the children will be well taken care of, with plenty of funds available and they will stay in their same schools.

Her husband received a call last week to let him know his father and step mother (in the US) had been in a car accident. His step mother died on impact and his father is seriously unwell in the ICU, not expected to make it. The father and stepmother have four children - 15, 11 and 6 year old twins. The likeliest scenario is her husband will become legal guardian for these children, or they’ll go into care, which he does not want.

No grandparents on either side, his step mother was an only child and his aunt on his fathers side is in the military and has been clear she can’t take on four kids (she is also at the hospital). He is obviously devastated, and due to seek legal advice about how it works and how he can get them back to the UK.

What my friend was hoping for was some advice on how she goes from child free to seven grieving children in short order, if anyone has experienced anything even vaguely in these realms.

She was also hoping for a baby this year, but that will have to go on hold, which is causing her some grief.

A lot will come down to the various children’s personalities, how they’ve been patented to now and the ability of all parties to create a healthy dynamic and bond. And also the finances available to throw at the situation.

I don’t know, I think I’d focus on preparing finances. Making sure all Will have therapy needed and space to call their own. Think of family ground rules and make sure to communicate the boundaries. And free myself up anyway possible to give them all the most attention possible.

And the baby plan needs to wait 5 yrs at least in my opinion.

crikey. Thats a lot to cope with. Im not at all useful here but id be thinking with those salaries that a nanny is going to be a necessity as well as therapy

Bloody hell. I know that’s not helpful but heck…

There are going to be lots of grieving children. And although one lot can stay in their schools, one lot are going to be pulled across continents to live with people whom (I assume) they barely know with no level of continuity at all.

so the children will be

15, 11, 10, 7, 6, 6, 5

honestly? I think it’s going to be a complete and utter shit show. And there might be no alternative, and they might all come out of the other side. But it is going to be horrendous whilst they are in the trenches. And I think they need to think really really carefully how much of themselves they are prepared to give of themselves to this. Because once they’re in it, to go back would be even worse.

Good grief, that's a lot. The tiny sliver of sunshine here is that they have really good incomes so at least will be in a position to actually take these children in. Not that money can fix everything, bit it can at least make some of the logistics more possible.

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister this is her biggest fear - how to not massively fuck it up for everyone involved. For her younger siblings, although it’s still awful, they’re going to a safe person who they spend one night a week with, they have their own bedrooms, they’re in weekly therapy anyway and this has always been what’s going to happen. They are remarkably well adjusted to the whole situation. School are also epic with them from what she’s said.

But her husbands kids she has met very few times, they’ve never been to Europe, all the visa issues, new curriculum. For the 15 year old at least it will be literal hell on earth. They do know her husband quite well though as he visits regularly. But, he feels very strongly that leaving them to go into the care system in the US would be cruel

This is made up

Pleased it's not just me thinking this!

Ok. Agree with PP.

However, if I'm brutally honest it's no more than many go through every single day. Minus the six figure salary x two

I can understand why you’d say that because it doesn’t actually seem real that someone can be this unlucky, but we are where we are.

So her mum had her at 20 and her last sibling at 45? And that’s not the only thing that stinks here… sorry OP get another hobby.

To be blunt, it's not possible to do this and make it work and I would imagine the US would take a very dim view of these children leaving, and the UK would take a very dim view of them coming in. They'd have to be formally adopted first which won't be quick (rightly).

Indeed.

SoSad44 · Today 20:11

So her mum had her at 20 and her last sibling at 45? And that’s not the only thing that stinks here… sorry OP get another hobby.

Actually, no, there would be 20 years between them. It's feasible.

That's astonishingly bad luck, to both become legal guardians to their 4 x young-to-teenage half-siblings within the same few months. Honestly, I don't know what to advise. How big is their house? Presumably at least 4 bedrooms, if the wife's 3 x half-siblings already have their own rooms. I would think one of them will need to completely give up their high flying job.

It's 20 years between the friend and her eldest half-sibling, 25 years between her and her youngest half-sibling.

Such a coincidence that the friend's American hubby also has half-siblings who are several decades younger!

Friend is 30 and youngest half sibling is 5. It’s feasible but the whole story is very unbelievable.

To the person who said about having the babies at 20 and 45, it happend to my nan.

My nan was a grandmother of one and two on the way when she gave birth to her youngest.

My nan was pregnant same time as her daughter. Plus it was no teenage pregnancy for my aunt. She was married with a 2 year when she was pregnant at the same time as her mum.

This is obviously life changing. I think to actually take on 7 children, who will also need extra support given the circumstances, is likely to mean one of them giving up their job and also putting their own baby plans on hold for a long time, potentially for ever.

I do however have a relative who did something similar, taking on 3 children of a sibling and then went on to have their own 3 children. However this is obviously on another scale with 7 children.

I think they need to think long and hard about this is advance - to take them on and then find it too hard a few years down the line would be very difficult.

It's not going to work. What's wrong with them being adopted out into a loving family? Your friend is going to become ill if she takes on more kids. Its too much, and they'll have issue that will need addressing. It won't be just parenting, but behavioural issues from losing their parents. What about paying for a nanny to support their father?

That's a lot to deal with. Just as well they both have 6 figure salaries.

They will need a bigger house (can they buy/ expand into next door?) at least one full time nanny and a housekeeper. And a bigger car. And child therapists. And unless the children come with funds they will both need to continue working. And to state the bleeding obvious, blending the American kids into an English household will be a challenge.

And all the help from friends they can get.

Good luck to them.

He’s getting legal advice but I wondered about this - is that the case even though there’s no one else to have them?

unsure why everyone thinks the age differences are so strange - I’m 16 years younger than my eldest sister, I would have said it’s a fairly common gap, especially with so many second families these days?

They both work in high paying law careers, which is why they’re so well paid.

Unsure about the house - it is very close to her siblings school (and the high school they will go to) so I don’t think she would be willing to move, location was picked to minimise disruption to them. I think they could extend.

I can't see this working. Children loosing their parents may be better staying in their local community rather than being transported half way round the world.