Difficult situation for friend - multiple children, family death, you name it

[Bunnyannesummers]

I’m posting on behalf of a friend because she could use some advice but doesn’t do forums etc. It’s a bit long so please bear with.

She is 30, married to her American hubby, both have high flying 6 figure careers. Her lovely mum split from her dad when she was 10, and went on to have three more children with a man from SE Asia. Those children are now 10, 7 and 5. When the youngest was a baby her mum was diagnosed with a degenerative, life limited condition. The father of the youngest children promptly ran back to his home country and attempts to track him down suggest he is actually now in jail (what a Prince). Her mum was given a life expectancy of 10-15 years at that point, but has recently gone downhill after a series of ill health and now is realistically looking at a couple of years, but only a few months before she can’t look after her children.

It’s been agreed for years that my friend will take on the children, they’re aware, they have rooms in her house, therapy etc. Her mum has had excellent financial and legal advice, and the children will be well taken care of, with plenty of funds available and they will stay in their same schools.

Her husband received a call last week to let him know his father and step mother (in the US) had been in a car accident. His step mother died on impact and his father is seriously unwell in the ICU, not expected to make it. The father and stepmother have four children - 15, 11 and 6 year old twins. The likeliest scenario is her husband will become legal guardian for these children, or they’ll go into care, which he does not want.

No grandparents on either side, his step mother was an only child and his aunt on his fathers side is in the military and has been clear she can’t take on four kids (she is also at the hospital). He is obviously devastated, and due to seek legal advice about how it works and how he can get them back to the UK.

What my friend was hoping for was some advice on how she goes from child free to seven grieving children in short order, if anyone has experienced anything even vaguely in these realms.

She was also hoping for a baby this year, but that will have to go on hold, which is causing her some grief.

Her husband seems to think they wouldn’t be adopted and would be split up and bounced around the foster care system, ending up with bad outcomes. He doesn’t want that for them

I agree that being separated and Foster care is sadly more likely.

I also think taking on 7 highly traumatised children is unfathomable, and I cant believe they're considering it. Even if they both quit their jobs, which they must know they'd have to do, the children will not be better off living in a home with 6 other children of varying ages, who are also grieving. Each of these children will need so much 1:1 parenting, which just 2 adults will not be able to provide. This is one of those situations where saying no is actually the most loving thing they can do.

@Bunnyannesummers omg my heart goes out to all those children!!! as a gran looking after a depressed (from loss of her mother 3.5 years ago) 15 year old. they are going to all be so traumatised!! it will take a lot of doing if you take them all on. you cannot leave out one half of the family/ lot of work and thought. home assistance like a nanny (live in) might make it easier for everyone. to have devastating news from both sides of the family at the same time is shocking.. grief counselling should be instigated asap for the children whose mother has died.

The problem is I can’t see the marriage surviving if she decides to only take in her siblings and not her husbands. He obviously feels strongly about his siblings being taken care of and would probably never forgive her if they ended up with bad outcomes due to being ok foster care etc.
could he take a leave of absence to go care for them in the US and get a plan sorted?
kids have to move all the time and I think moving countries to live with a family member is much better than having to move and live in a foster home (very unlikely they would stay in same school district etc)

with such a high income and other finances from the north parents hopefully they can Chuck money at this for counselling, help around the house, nanny etc.

25 years is not a common age gap.
you can’t just adopt children into the Uk from another country even if you are related to them.

Where are the US children now?

I have seen enough tragedy upon tragedy happen to people I know to find this believable.

Op - her husband needs to seek urgent advice from a US family solicitor I think, or one in the UK who is able to liaise with US authorities and act on his behalf. I would also suggest he may need to consider being in the US for a few months while affairs are taken of and the children start to adjust- this might well be the best thing for them rather than the shock of losing both their parents and country in one night.

If they take on all 7, I can't see them being able to have their own children anytime soon, if at all.

Shame on his sister for refusing to contemplate looking after her siblings and risking them going into care.

They will all need specialist support, especially your husbands siblings, and I agree it's likely they will have to make hard choices as to their careers. This will be completely life changing for all of them and my heart goes out to all of them.

@SoSad44

nog sure about the post admittedly, but why does that stink? My friend had one at 19, one at 23, one at 45 and final one at 47. It does happen

They’re in the US in the house they live in, being cared for by their brother and aunt and parents friends on shifts.

@StBrides I think the unbelievable nature of it all is also making it hard - to explain to people, to get support. As this threads shown.

The more comments I read the more I think her husband might be in for a nasty reality shock - he seems to be thinking as he’s the only possible blood guardian he’ll be allowed to do what’s necessary to care for them in his chosen way (bring them to the UK). He’s obviously in shock so may not be thinking as clear as he could. Hopefully a meeting with the solicitor will help him understand the options.

Also a good point about their careers - they had expected to only have her siblings, and for her mum to have longer so they weren’t anticipating any substantial to their jobs or incomes, but if it’s even possible to take on the 7 then they would have to be back to the drawing board with that - potentially limiting ability to throw financial solutions to some problems. That’s given me some food for thought to share with her.

Sorry, op, I realise none of us have properly answered your question. Has she reached out to bereavement charities? I think there's one called jigsaw which works exclusively with children.

She might also want to keep an open mind about whether the older children will need young carers support. It is probably inevitable that they will end up taking on some parenting of their younger siblings, I'm thinking especially of the American children here, because they'll be adjusting to life in a new country and with a new family.

I would expect her to be prepared for some level of social services involvement.

As to therapy for the American children, it might be worth seeing if there's a stateside therapist who'd be willing to counsel them over zoom. Obviously would have to factor in time differences, but it might be easier for them to talk to another American in the early days and the language of therapy used their might be more familiar to them.

Re finances - If her husbands parents are insured then hopefully there will be a payout which can be used towards proving expert support for his siblings.

Unlike others, I think it can be done but it will be very, very hard and they're all in for a rough ride. I've had a a couple of good friends who were orphaned when young and they carried anger with them and can be very sensitive to this day. No one will be able to understand what they've been through and i think theyll be very conscious of that.

They could /can be both needy and fiercely independent at the same time. One of them had to move across the country to join their cousins, aunt & uncle and hated every minute...But there were definitely personality clashes in that case.

Both have, however, ended up happy adults with their own families.

If the American siblings are religious, then I'd look at involving them with a local church, preferably one that is similar in style to what they may have been used to at home. I've know the church to be a huge support to a couple friends in similar circumstances.

You never know, the children may find that they take great support from each other and things will be largely OK, but your friends should prepare for the most challenging circumstances.

I'd take a sabbatical and take 9 -12 months off work . I'd move them all in but take a month off school to adjust and get to know everyone. We'd talk talk talk. We'd find a way

The children from America will need visas, adopted, etc- will her husband initially need to live out there? What kind of visa is he on in the UK currently and can he bring kids over? Does he want to raise them here? This sounds like an immensely difficult situation all around, and much sympathy to your friend

None of that is really worked out yet and I’m getting the impression it’s more difficult than he’s expecting. I think he has indefinite leave to remain - he’s been here since he was 18 for uni. I’m assuming he’d want to raise them here, his whole life/work is here now.

Thank you @StBrides thats really helpful and the kind of ideas she’s really grateful for

There is no way four American kids in this situation would be able to just move to the UK (nor want to!!)

Unhelpful comment I know, but stating the obvious

I think there is zero chance of the children from the US coming to the UK. I can't see that an adoption assessor would approve a plan for bereaved children to move to the other side of the world to move in with other bereaved children to a household where both adults work full time. Love will not be enough to make this work.

trying for a baby as well. a bit too much

While it's all ideal to be able to take these children on, I think your friend should sit down with an independent person and work through whether this is something she really can do on a practical level. It's easy for others to say they'd do it in a heartbeat, but sometimes you just can't. I'm posting this as I've recently been in a position with a family member needing care where I've had to say that I'm sorry, in other circumstances I would, but I just can't right now. It's not selfish to realise it's more than you can handle.

They should investigate whether they can get adoption leave from their jobs.

They need to start speaking to fostering and adoption services in their local authority. Your friends don’t have parental responsibility for any of the children and that will need to be sorted through legal process, it would be considered an informal fostering arrangement initially, getting that formalised through a guardianship arrangement may open up other avenues of support for your friends and the children.

There are routes to bring related family members to the UK, so an immigration lawyer will be able to advise. If the intention is to adopt the US children they’ll need to go through the local authority adoption assessment so again I’d be speaking to social work about that.

In practical terms, they aren’t both going to be able to hold down “big jobs” while settling in multiple bereaved children. And honestly the processes involved in even getting the children into the UK or the UK kids moved legally to their care is going to be pretty involved so they both need to build in as much flexibility as possible for meetings/hearings etc.

If they do adopt they’ll be entitled to adoption leave in the same way they’d be entitled to maternity leave for a biological child. Realistically though in the best of circumstances 7 children would be hard work, and these aren’t the best of circumstances. They may find the younger children won’t tolerate childcare etc so their working lives will change - they need to think about finances, is there insurance or inheritance that would help provide for the children.

OP you might want to repost on the adoption boards, posters there have huge experience in parenting very traumatised children and are generous in sharing their wisdom. It can be done, but will need a huge amount of care, support and hard work. In saying that, I’d do just about anything to avoid a child being in care, the US outcomes are even worse than outcomes for UK kids.

considering the work in the legal profession I’m very surprised they believe they can bring the US children over here. There’s a process and it’s going to be a long process.

They should also not underestimate that they are going to upend their own lives and futures.

The financial ramifications are going to be huge.

Id be very surprised if they could still work FT too.

A live in nanny and cleaner will be necessary

She can stay in the United Kingdom and take care of her siblings.
He can move back to USA and take care of his siblings.

Do you know what the eldest children want?