Difficult situation for friend - multiple children, family death, you name it

[Bunnyannesummers]

I’m posting on behalf of a friend because she could use some advice but doesn’t do forums etc. It’s a bit long so please bear with.

She is 30, married to her American hubby, both have high flying 6 figure careers. Her lovely mum split from her dad when she was 10, and went on to have three more children with a man from SE Asia. Those children are now 10, 7 and 5. When the youngest was a baby her mum was diagnosed with a degenerative, life limited condition. The father of the youngest children promptly ran back to his home country and attempts to track him down suggest he is actually now in jail (what a Prince). Her mum was given a life expectancy of 10-15 years at that point, but has recently gone downhill after a series of ill health and now is realistically looking at a couple of years, but only a few months before she can’t look after her children.

It’s been agreed for years that my friend will take on the children, they’re aware, they have rooms in her house, therapy etc. Her mum has had excellent financial and legal advice, and the children will be well taken care of, with plenty of funds available and they will stay in their same schools.

Her husband received a call last week to let him know his father and step mother (in the US) had been in a car accident. His step mother died on impact and his father is seriously unwell in the ICU, not expected to make it. The father and stepmother have four children - 15, 11 and 6 year old twins. The likeliest scenario is her husband will become legal guardian for these children, or they’ll go into care, which he does not want.

No grandparents on either side, his step mother was an only child and his aunt on his fathers side is in the military and has been clear she can’t take on four kids (she is also at the hospital). He is obviously devastated, and due to seek legal advice about how it works and how he can get them back to the UK.

What my friend was hoping for was some advice on how she goes from child free to seven grieving children in short order, if anyone has experienced anything even vaguely in these realms.

She was also hoping for a baby this year, but that will have to go on hold, which is causing her some grief.

This only happens in Bella magazine. Rubbish.

I looked into adopting my American nephew and moving him to the UK extensively, including taking advice from lawyers a few years ago. It will in part depend on the state laws, but it is unlikely to be difficult to adopt his sibling s if he is a willing blood relative, your friend would adopt them as well. The state do not want these children in care and they are very unlikely to be adopted by another family at those ages. Once they are adopted you are able to bring them to the UK, there's paperwork of course but they would have a legal right if they are the children of citizens. Her husband really needs to get his citizenship just to make things easier. It may be worth thinking about leaving the 15 year old to finish high school if there's a willing friends parent to act as guardian and provide housing. The school systems do not marry up at that age. Or look at an international school if possible. This will all take time, I second the pp who suggested a sabbatical. Best of luck to your friends. It's a horrible situation for all involved.

I couldn’t/wouldn’t take them all on. Maybe the children in America have a family friend that could do it. Or her husband lives in America with them. That may sound really tough but it’s a massive life change combining them all would be chaos. Plus the factor of moving some of them overseas wouldn’t be simple.

I think they may need to live separately for a few years til the older American kids are more settled in their lives.

I mean really, the most pragmatic option would probably be for the husband to go back to the US and raise his siblings there. I think it would be difficult for them both to continue their careers but assume there is also a large amount of life insurance which should make one of them resigning more feasible.

She's never had to look after kids properly before (and by that I mean full time with all of the illnesses and lack of sleep and mundanity as well as the good times) and she's going to take on 7. Amazing woman. But I'd very strongly advise she outsource as much help as possible and by that I mean a nanny, a very regular if not daily cleaner, someone to do her laundry (which will become impossible to keep on top of) and have a plan for food as well. That way she gets as much practical help as possible and can try to focus on the kids. All of this in light of a larger financial plan of course. And agree with significant time off work for her and husband as well. Tbh I'd do this even if she 'just' takes on 4! If she's reluctant, doesn't have to be forever.

They're bottle incredible.

With a nanny, if possible look for one with some qualifications for supporting emotional trauma or grief or behaviour in children. Don't know how possible this is I've never had a nanny!

Practically, I'd suggest additional high capacity and quality washing machines and tumble dryers and an extra fridge freezer. Robot hoover & mop.

Why?

People (adults and children) move countries all the time. Look at families that weren't born in the UK. It can be done.

Sorry, no advice, but I just wanted to say how proud I am of both your friends. MN is full of people thinking only of their nucleus family and nothing about extended family.

It's fair that if the wife's half-sibings move in, the husband's half-siblings should move in, too.

Where there's a will, there's a way. Regarding starting their own family. I don't think it's a good idea to put it off too long in case they come to resent the half-siblings for the lack of a biological child.

It's terrible what's happening to them, but very heartwarming to see what their intentions are to help their younger siblings.

I think possibly her DH needs to give it time to gauge what’s best for his siblingsand what they truly want.
He’s had a huge shock - but it might be that they don’t want to come to the UK (am thinking particularly of the 15 year old here) or that there is more support available than he thinks.

This is incredibly sad and my heart goes out to them.