Apologies if this runs long. DH and I have been together since uni. Been married nearly 20 years and have 2 children together.
I’ve always struggled achieving my goals, I’m a chronic underachiever, been terrible at managing my money, and a general failure at life admin. Turns out I’d been struggling and living my life entire life with undiagnosed ADHD, and only found out two years ago. This is relevant because I struggle with concentration during the working day at my desk jobs, as well as setting and achieving goals so I have never progressed in my career or salary. As a result have struggled to find the right job for me where I can excel, and earn a higher salary.
My husband and I often bicker and argue. It’s usually because he’s annoyed with me about something, but no matter what the argument is about it almost always reverts back to money and how little I make and contribute to the bills.
My husband will compare my salary to his friends wives who are younger than me, but earn much more. He’ll mention jobs such as restaurant or leisure centre workers that he’s seen advertised and say they make as much or more than me. He’ll point out how his friends wives make more than me and don’t have any university education (unlike myself). He gets so annoyed with me for ‘putting in too much effort (hours) into my work’, always being on calls, or having to go into the office a couple days a week or on the odd overnight business trip.
During a recent argument that once again reverted back to my financial contributions I said that I contribute as much as I can, but that he makes much more than me. He tried to gaslight me by saying that’s “not necessarily true”, and that everything falls on his shoulders. I explained that what I contribute is in proportion to my salary, but again he wasn’t satisfied with this answer and is angry that I’m not contributing more and believes that bills should not be split like that. He’s very annoyed that I keep £300 from my paycheque to spend on myself - I budget this to cover a meal out with friends, for personal items like tampons, monthly prescription, makeup items that need to be replenished, coffees or snacks while out, clothing, small things for the children if needed, gifts some months, etc. He also gets annoyed that I cannot afford lavish gifts like his friends receive from their wives who earn more.
For reference I work 4 days a week and bring home about £1800 every month. Husband owns his own business, and while I know his monthly earnings can fluctuate, I know our household bills add up to roughly £7000 each month. He covers the majority of the bills (because obviously I cannot on my salary) so I’ve used the £7000 figure as his ‘monthly salary’. Using both our incomes and a formula I found online, I’ve calculated that I should be paying 20% of the bills and husband should be paying the remaining 80% which is pretty close to what the split currently is.
From my salary £600 goes to him to put towards bills, another £600 to loan repayments (taken out by him in my name to cover joint expenses like home improvements, etc). £100 credit card payment, £180 to a savings account he set up for me this year, and £15 for life insurance. (I know the last two technically aren’t household bills).
Included in the £8000 household bills are the mortgage, gas, electric, broadband, council tax, mobile & car payments, food shops, insurance, children’s activities, school fees (his choice to put them both in private).
Not included is his monthly gym membership, monthly fee for a sport he does, extra money he spends on his hobby (it can vary from £50-£400 a month), additional things like health supplements, and additional items (like random gadgets) he just fancies buying that he passes off as ‘for the home’ but are not needed.
Is keeping £300 for myself to cover my own expenses excessive? I’m so annoyed (justified, I don’t know?) about this all and the fact he makes me feel like shit and a failure in my career and life. He makes me feel like such a burden, and says that I ‘expect everything’ and that I take things for granted. I’m at the point now I don’t want to accept anything from him because I feel like it will be held against me at some point. I barely even eat at home. Just one small meal or a few little snacks in the evening, so I can say that I’m not costing him a fortune to feed.