Am I not entitled to spend my own money?

[darvod]

Apologies if this runs long. DH and I have been together since uni. Been married nearly 20 years and have 2 children together.

I’ve always struggled achieving my goals, I’m a chronic underachiever, been terrible at managing my money, and a general failure at life admin. Turns out I’d been struggling and living my life entire life with undiagnosed ADHD, and only found out two years ago. This is relevant because I struggle with concentration during the working day at my desk jobs, as well as setting and achieving goals so I have never progressed in my career or salary. As a result have struggled to find the right job for me where I can excel, and earn a higher salary.

My husband and I often bicker and argue. It’s usually because he’s annoyed with me about something, but no matter what the argument is about it almost always reverts back to money and how little I make and contribute to the bills.

My husband will compare my salary to his friends wives who are younger than me, but earn much more. He’ll mention jobs such as restaurant or leisure centre workers that he’s seen advertised and say they make as much or more than me. He’ll point out how his friends wives make more than me and don’t have any university education (unlike myself). He gets so annoyed with me for ‘putting in too much effort (hours) into my work’, always being on calls, or having to go into the office a couple days a week or on the odd overnight business trip.

During a recent argument that once again reverted back to my financial contributions I said that I contribute as much as I can, but that he makes much more than me. He tried to gaslight me by saying that’s “not necessarily true”, and that everything falls on his shoulders. I explained that what I contribute is in proportion to my salary, but again he wasn’t satisfied with this answer and is angry that I’m not contributing more and believes that bills should not be split like that. He’s very annoyed that I keep £300 from my paycheque to spend on myself - I budget this to cover a meal out with friends, for personal items like tampons, monthly prescription, makeup items that need to be replenished, coffees or snacks while out, clothing, small things for the children if needed, gifts some months, etc. He also gets annoyed that I cannot afford lavish gifts like his friends receive from their wives who earn more.

For reference I work 4 days a week and bring home about £1800 every month. Husband owns his own business, and while I know his monthly earnings can fluctuate, I know our household bills add up to roughly £7000 each month. He covers the majority of the bills (because obviously I cannot on my salary) so I’ve used the £7000 figure as his ‘monthly salary’. Using both our incomes and a formula I found online, I’ve calculated that I should be paying 20% of the bills and husband should be paying the remaining 80% which is pretty close to what the split currently is.

From my salary £600 goes to him to put towards bills, another £600 to loan repayments (taken out by him in my name to cover joint expenses like home improvements, etc). £100 credit card payment, £180 to a savings account he set up for me this year, and £15 for life insurance. (I know the last two technically aren’t household bills).

Included in the £8000 household bills are the mortgage, gas, electric, broadband, council tax, mobile & car payments, food shops, insurance, children’s activities, school fees (his choice to put them both in private).

Not included is his monthly gym membership, monthly fee for a sport he does, extra money he spends on his hobby (it can vary from £50-£400 a month), additional things like health supplements, and additional items (like random gadgets) he just fancies buying that he passes off as ‘for the home’ but are not needed.

Is keeping £300 for myself to cover my own expenses excessive? I’m so annoyed (justified, I don’t know?) about this all and the fact he makes me feel like shit and a failure in my career and life. He makes me feel like such a burden, and says that I ‘expect everything’ and that I take things for granted. I’m at the point now I don’t want to accept anything from him because I feel like it will be held against me at some point. I barely even eat at home. Just one small meal or a few little snacks in the evening, so I can say that I’m not costing him a fortune to feed.

Actually, at this time of year, Women's Aid is quieter than usual, because women don't want to "break up the family at this time of year". January is the busiest time.

(Source, I am a former WA worker)

I'm angry for you, op. Tell him to go and find someone that will buy him expensive presents. Ltb!!

I hate that you have to pay for so much. £300 is NOT enough.

This is financial abuse.

I take home a small amount more than you per month and I earn the average amount for my age and sex. I live comfortably on my own in a three bedroom house that I own.

£7000 per month is an incredible amount to spend on bills. It sounds like he’s a very, very, very high earner but he has two choices:

1. pay for the lifestyle that he wishes to lead
2. Cut down and live a lifestyle where you can both contribute equally - so bring the bills down to about £2000.

btw, you shouldn’t be paying for tampons and medication out of your own account. They should be bought with joint money like other essentials.

I don’t think his issue is that you spend £300 a month on yourself. I think his issue is really the fact that you don’t earn way more than you do.

He sounds resentful, maybe the burden of the bills is too much for him. I’m not sure how you sort it tbh. One of my colleagues who was a high earner got sick of her DH not earning well. I think she was very much influenced by the people around her with lots of parents at the school both being high earners & wanting that lifestyle.

Wow - I missed this little nugget. Took loans out in YOUR name? He is a vile human being. Run, run, run.

Your husband is financially abusive.

He continually berates you about money.
You are choosing to eat as little as possible at home so he can't resent you for what you eat!!
He has taken out loans in your name that you repay.
It doesn't sound like you have access to the family finances to see where & how money is spent.
Private school for your children is a non negotiable for him

"His" business should actually be your business - I bet it would be as successful if you weren't running the family so he could focus on it.
Back in the early days were you keeping you both financially while he established his business?

If you divorce it would almost definitely be viewed as a marital asset.
And be honest- what are uou getting out of this relationship? He sounds like a nasty piece of work - beware he's not lining up a young, high achieving, trophy wife no 2

Thats horrible, i cant believe he is comparing you to other wives thats nasty.
Id tell him to be with them then, but he would need to invest in a cleaner if he wants a wife who works constantly as they wont be able to do the household management then. Is he one of those where he wants a high earning wife that works 50 hours a week, who does all childcare and then does everything around the house? Think AI robot wives might be invented soon. 😂

Your doing well, 1800 4 days a week isnt bad at all OP. My husband has ADHD and the only job hes managed well is an on your feet active labour job. He needs to be constantly stimulated or he goes nuts. But you know when you love and marry someone you generally accept any ADHD or Autism or any conditions they have and aim to make a life together that accomodates all of you!

Whether the business is a martial asset depends on how it’s set up. It’s not a simple as it is or it isn’t a martial asset.

And unfortunately a financially abusive person who is abusive, who is unhappy in his marriage will do their best to make sure it’s as protected as possible.

Op its financial abuse. And I would guess that is general emotional abuse. You seem to have had no part in making any decision in your entire marriage. Everything has been decided and actioned by him.

Op you need to start planning to leave. Because this is awful. And you need to leave for you and your children. But also, you could find he leaves first leaving you in a really bad position.

Your last sentence is very concerning. The situation does sound abusive.

On the bills point it isn't hard to get to 7k if you include school fees. For us our modest for the south east mortgage of £400k is £2.6k a month since the interest rate rises. School fees for one child are £1.6k. Wrap around and holiday care averages out to £1.5k a month. That's £5.7k before household bills and food are taken into account.

@JustCuriousASHP Sorry, I made an assumption that OP would probably not do anything until the New Year. Should have been clearer. Now would be a good time to make initial contact then, with a view to action in the next few months if she feels able. I had support from WA and it really helped me get my head straight and move forward.

This is really not a normal couple dynamic and he sounds abusive. I think I would quietly try and access some monthly budgets/bank statements and speak to a solicitor to see what position you are in. It concerns me a great deal that he as a large earner has taking out debt in soley your name, would that be your responsibility if you were to split?

Your outgoings are exceptionally high. When I was a banking adviser I remember doing a loan for someone who earned loads but had to decline the loan as there was no affordability because their outgoings were so high (renting luxury house, high car loan on very high status car, paying off credit cards on multiple holidays and overspending). The fact there has been borrowing taken out in your name as a relatively lower earner suggests to me that he's either living outwith his means or has structured his business earnings in a way that makes it look like he is earning less to pay less tax which affects his affordability.

This is financial abuse. There are significant differences in your incomes, but he is acting like the Lord of the Manor when it comes to the family finances. Why has he taken debt out in your name? £600 a month on debts. Did you consent to this? Coerced debt is a feature of financial abuse and relative to your own salary £600 is a very high repayment. He also made the decision to put your children in private school, which is a big financial commitment and it doesn’t sound like you have any input into that at all or any say over what happens with the family money. I am also concerned that you are not eating properly because you feel guilty. He has ground you down to the point that you are voluntarily going without food. Please reach out for some support from Women’s Aid or your local domestic abuse support service. You don’t have to put up with this.

You can't afford private school. And taking out loans in your name, wtf?!

I feel so sad reading this, you’re in an abusive and controlling relationship. Possibly as he has no respect for you, or that’s who he is. The sad truth is it doesn’t matter if a thousand, a million people come on here and say it’s fine for you to keep 300, all that matters is what he thinks , telling him mumsnet thinks he a controlling abuser isn’t going to change his mind.

if you’re not willing to leave, which I am guessing you aren’t, and he’s going to continue to disrespect and abuse you, then I am not sure what can be done really.

Im sorry but he is being abusive - I dread to think how little he’d allow you to have for personal expenses - yet your children are at private schools which is his choice.

I think he's being a bit of a dick but also I've been there in his shoes as the main earner with a chronic under achiever and to be honest the resentment was crippling.

You can never understand the burden and stress of being the main earner until you've had to do it yourself

I think having £300 a month spending money (which is actually more than that as you are saving £180 as well) is actually a lot. If you want more than go out and earn more

He's an arse. Just leave. It will never get better.

He wants a wife who is his financial equal. Ok, fair enough, he can want what he wants regardless of how unfair it may be. But that person isn't you.

And there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with you or how you're living your life (bad relationship aside). You're not wrong or a bad person for not earning the same as him.

Sounds like he wants a certain type of lifestyle that he wants his partner to finance because he can't earn enough to cover it by himself. So he's twisting things to try to make it your fault he can't have the lifestyle he wants. It's not your fault.

Whilst he has the right to be unreasonable. You have the right to choose not to put up with it. He's being controlling. The constant sniping at you is emotional abuse. He's aiming for financial abuse too by the sounds of it. You don't have to justify yourself to him, especially not over and over again. It's also pointless. There's nothing you can say that will make him agree with you.

If he's unhappy with the relationship/who you are he should end it. Instead he's trying to beat you down by voicing his opinion over and over again until you're exhausted of the fight and give in to whatever it is he wants, probably for you to shoulder a greater percentage of the bills so he has more spare cash to go out with someone other than newly skint you.

By curtailing your spending he could, in a roundabout way, be trying to prevent you going out with friends. Aiming to fade them out of your life long term when they get fed up of you always turning down invites. Making it so it looks natural and not like he caused it. Is he picking these fights with you whenever you plan to go out by any chance? That's another tactic, make you upset from the row so you then don't want to go out. Or make you on edge the entire time you're out knowing a row will inevitably start soon after you're home, meaning you can't properly enjoy the time out and decide it's not worth it, you'll stay home instead. You end up thinking it's your decision but it's not, you've been manipulated into it.

Honestly this type of controlling behaviour is so insidious, it sneaks up on you and you're too busy arguing, fighting your corner all the time, to see it happening.

@the
@thelonemommabear I guess you missed the part where she's unwell. She can't just go out and earn more, she's working at maximum capacity already. Not everyone has the potential to be a high flyer, regardless if how hard they work. Guess you also missed the bit where you stop and think how hard someone's life is, how stressful, when they've got chronic health problems that affect their daily life. OP didn't ask to be born with ADHD. It's not her fault she's an underachiever. You're just like her shitty husband blaming her for not being 💯 healthy. I expect you blame anyone who is poor for their poverty too. Maybe your hobby is going around telling people in wheelchairs to get off their lazy arses and walk and demanding blind people look you in the eye...

Taking out loans in your name is not just abusive, its FRAUD.

Why the fuck did he need to take out a loan in your name if he’s earning those sums? In fact, why did he need to take out a loan in your name at all? Is his credit that shit? If so I’d be wondering why.

Can I please ask if the benefits of private school are worth it? I think a child who is giftef can excel in any school.

Posted too soon. It would really take a lot of pressure off if you didn't have this massive amount to pay. Was it his idea to go the private route?

Can we just be extremely fucking clear that earning £1800 per month part time is NOT underachieving.

That is a salary of more than £30k a year if the OP worked five days a week, which is MORE than the National average salary for middle-aged women who work full time.

How much is he bringing in and how much does he have for himself? We pool our resources so we have the same 'pocket money' each month, I earn £70k a year but only set £300 aside for myself. So £300 of £1800 does seem quite excessive to me, that said, if your expenses are £7000 your DH must make a large amount so it doesn't seem unreasonable for you both to enjoy that, it seems a shame your DH is so obsessed with household income when he is bringing in such a large sum but it sounds like he is resentful, perhaps he's not enjoying what he does? Does he work a lot? There's a mismatch and I think if the relationship is going to be viable you need to be on the same page and value each other's contributions, financial and otherwise.

There's a lot to unpick here.

The husband may have taken out loans in salaried wife's name as it is easier than trying to prove income when you're self-employed. The loans are for house improvements, not for personal purchases for him alone.

It does sound as if the husband is carrying the (very expensive!) and likely picking up on the "life admin" that OP confesses to be hopeless at. It doesn't look as if total contribution - not just financial - is not shared equally. I can see where resentment might be creeping in.

£300 personal money might be disproportionate if most of the H's money is funding the household and school fees. We don't know that. We don't have enough information to know if this is abuse or not. The H might feel he's being abused in funding what he perceives to be OP's easier lifestyle.

20 years is a lot to lose because both are not on the same page. I'd suggest couples counselling is worth a shot before going to Womens' Aid.

I could understand his frustration with your career if you were constantly upset and complaining about it to him, and he was concerned about it on your behalf, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. He is annoyed that you don't measure up to his friends wives, which is shit of him. Maybe he is stressed about money, but if you are doing your best job wise I don't see what else you can do. If he is worried about the bills he needs to have a proper conversation with you so you can both think about cutting back. But I suspect he is just a dick.