Am I not entitled to spend my own money?

[darvod]

Apologies if this runs long. DH and I have been together since uni. Been married nearly 20 years and have 2 children together.

I’ve always struggled achieving my goals, I’m a chronic underachiever, been terrible at managing my money, and a general failure at life admin. Turns out I’d been struggling and living my life entire life with undiagnosed ADHD, and only found out two years ago. This is relevant because I struggle with concentration during the working day at my desk jobs, as well as setting and achieving goals so I have never progressed in my career or salary. As a result have struggled to find the right job for me where I can excel, and earn a higher salary.

My husband and I often bicker and argue. It’s usually because he’s annoyed with me about something, but no matter what the argument is about it almost always reverts back to money and how little I make and contribute to the bills.

My husband will compare my salary to his friends wives who are younger than me, but earn much more. He’ll mention jobs such as restaurant or leisure centre workers that he’s seen advertised and say they make as much or more than me. He’ll point out how his friends wives make more than me and don’t have any university education (unlike myself). He gets so annoyed with me for ‘putting in too much effort (hours) into my work’, always being on calls, or having to go into the office a couple days a week or on the odd overnight business trip.

During a recent argument that once again reverted back to my financial contributions I said that I contribute as much as I can, but that he makes much more than me. He tried to gaslight me by saying that’s “not necessarily true”, and that everything falls on his shoulders. I explained that what I contribute is in proportion to my salary, but again he wasn’t satisfied with this answer and is angry that I’m not contributing more and believes that bills should not be split like that. He’s very annoyed that I keep £300 from my paycheque to spend on myself - I budget this to cover a meal out with friends, for personal items like tampons, monthly prescription, makeup items that need to be replenished, coffees or snacks while out, clothing, small things for the children if needed, gifts some months, etc. He also gets annoyed that I cannot afford lavish gifts like his friends receive from their wives who earn more.

For reference I work 4 days a week and bring home about £1800 every month. Husband owns his own business, and while I know his monthly earnings can fluctuate, I know our household bills add up to roughly £7000 each month. He covers the majority of the bills (because obviously I cannot on my salary) so I’ve used the £7000 figure as his ‘monthly salary’. Using both our incomes and a formula I found online, I’ve calculated that I should be paying 20% of the bills and husband should be paying the remaining 80% which is pretty close to what the split currently is.

From my salary £600 goes to him to put towards bills, another £600 to loan repayments (taken out by him in my name to cover joint expenses like home improvements, etc). £100 credit card payment, £180 to a savings account he set up for me this year, and £15 for life insurance. (I know the last two technically aren’t household bills).

Included in the £8000 household bills are the mortgage, gas, electric, broadband, council tax, mobile & car payments, food shops, insurance, children’s activities, school fees (his choice to put them both in private).

Not included is his monthly gym membership, monthly fee for a sport he does, extra money he spends on his hobby (it can vary from £50-£400 a month), additional things like health supplements, and additional items (like random gadgets) he just fancies buying that he passes off as ‘for the home’ but are not needed.

Is keeping £300 for myself to cover my own expenses excessive? I’m so annoyed (justified, I don’t know?) about this all and the fact he makes me feel like shit and a failure in my career and life. He makes me feel like such a burden, and says that I ‘expect everything’ and that I take things for granted. I’m at the point now I don’t want to accept anything from him because I feel like it will be held against me at some point. I barely even eat at home. Just one small meal or a few little snacks in the evening, so I can say that I’m not costing him a fortune to feed.

Why are you paying off a loan he took out in your name?

Where are your savings in an account in your name or his?

I’m sorry OP, you know £300 isn’t too much to keep. Time for some tough discussions with your DH, he’s being thoroughly unreasonable.

It is really concerning that he's doing financial stuff in your name OP. He doesn't have the right to do that without your consent (not obtained through bullying tactics either). It being easier because he's self employed and you're salaried is neither here nor there. If you didn't agree to it before he did it it probably counts as fraud. He's your husband, not your owner. He can't just do as he likes with your personal finances/information.

If there's a savings account in your name he shouldn't be the one with the login details for that without your permission.

Don't do couple's counseling with him either. It doesn't work with an abusive partner because they have no intentions of changing/compromising in any way and will use the sessions to try to bully you into changing. You don't need to change, it's the person with the unreasonable behaviour who needs to change and in this case it's him. You're already compromising way too much, you don't need to be compromising furtger. You don't even eat properly FFS and consider sanpro a personal luxury to come out of your personal spends, which is totally messed up thinking. If you have counseling it needs to be solo.

The loan was for joint expenses for home improvements

Your husband sounds extremely controlling, that is the issue.

Your money should go into a joint account, and you should have equal spending money. It’s not acceptable you don’t have equal access to family money or know what he earns. And tampons are not spending money items - they are essential household items. Relative to your joint income, your spending money seems low.

This does not sound like a great marriage OP, and I would focus on considering what you want to do about that. If you were to separate you would do quite well.

Why are you living like this op? Where's the value?

Him -He doesn't like you at all. That is why he resents you living the golden lifestyle on his dime. He abuses you.

You - are scared of him. Rightly so, because he's a horrible bully.

There seems to be zero pleasure for either of you in this relationship. So, you must be staying together 'for the kids.' But what does that actually mean? You are currently modelling to them what a thoroughly unhealthy partnership looks like. And it's the only one they are being modelled. So, whilst staying together saves them a (possibly) temporary sadness (although maybe they'll think at fucking last) - when they go on to choose their own partner, they will likely make terrible choices based on what they've been shown. Then it's 20 years of misery.

Time and time again 'staying for the kids' doesn't work. So, what are you staying for? You need to be honest with yourself. The money? The lovely house?

I’m guessing here that you don’t know many people earning at that level, if you did, you’d know it’s normal that the spouse earns much less. Most high earners are fine with that because being a high earner usually comes with v long hours and high stress, and if you are both doing that it’s tough to manage a marriage very hard to have kids.

Tell me you vote Tory without telling me….🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

His attitude stinks! The disparity between mine and DHs earning is even bigger than yours and he has never seen our join income as anything but ours. DH respects what I do and what I bring to the family.
I think the big issue is a lack of respect for you. Can you really see yourself living like this forever? I also think you don’t earn enough between you to pay for private schooling.

'I also think you don’t earn enough between you to pay for private schooling.'

I don't think the op detailed how much her husband earns - just that there is £7k of outgoings.

I think anyone who is defending this man has their head in the sand. OP is spending 85% of her income on family expenditure, including her contribution to bills and her contribution to what sounds like very much like coerced debt. She feels so guilty about existing as a family member that she is neglecting to eat properly and considers tampons a luxury. He has made the unilateral decision to privately educate their children at the expense of their financial security. Rather than take steps to reduce their outgoings to reduce financial pressure for everyone, he regularly berates and intimidates his wife. This is abusive behaviour and it is not acceptable.

I thought this really weird too. Pick them up with groceries or add to online shopping list.

It sounds like you are completely incompatible financially. He wants you to be on a more even keel with him in terms of earnings, which is unlikely to happen. I agree with a pp that being the main earner does come with its own difficulties and can cause resentment. That’s no excuse for every argument you have becoming about finances though. Contributing to family life is not just about how much money you put in the ‘pot’ . Aside from throwing his money at private schools and the ‘ lifestyle’, does he actually do anything else to bring value to your lives? It doesn’t seem so, it sounds like a battleground with him constantly lording it over you that he earns more. Just tell him to divorce you and get himself a new wife who earns the same as him if that’s what he wants. Stop feeling guilty and let him have it , the current power imbalance needs dealt with. As for the loans in your name - wtf? That just sounds like a means of financial control, with £600 of loans on an £1800 salary he has effectively took away your ability to say f* you I’m off to lead a happier life without you.

Before you divorce him op, before you even mention it, get photocopies and an understanding of exactly what his income is.

Personally though, if I ever had the privilege of earning 7K a month, I would want to be with someone who’s also close to that level. Otherwise, I do think it’s easy to grow resentful of that person
My DH is retired now, before he retired he earned over 15k per month before tax, it was very unusual for any of his peers to have a high earning partner.

This man is an arse, op please feed yourself properly. I feel like you are being set up for him to leave you for a younger woman with a career but it’s your fault because of your lack of ambition or whatever. He’s not worth starving yourself over to try and get in his good books.

Regardless of your adhd, if you’ve been doing the same job for many years you must be awesome at it, so might be worth seeing if you can negotiate a pay rise - for yourself not for him. The more financial independence you have, the easier it will be to tell him to fuck off.

I can't get past the fact that you buy your tampons from your own personal spending money. Fuck that shit. They need to be bought in with the groceries for the household.

He's over committed financially and is taking it out on you. You're not the problem. He sounds like he equates money to status. He also sounds mean and horrible. I'd plan to leave.

And it’s very clear that the OP’s husband is NOT fine with that….

That’s irrelevant because again, it’s clear that the OP’s DH would like her to earn more. I’m not saying that he brings in 7K and she brings in 6K. Maybe he’d be happy with her bringing in 3K instead of 1.8K so that he can contribute less to the househould.

The point is, he’s not happy with the financial set up and that’s clear to see

If he wants equal contribtion to bills then you need equal say over what those bills are.

No more expensive cars, no more private school fees, much smaller mortgage unless you both wholeheartedly agree to the higher spend.

Equal contribution means you both living within your means, not his.

I would advise leaving him but make sure that savings account is in your name alone.
Ten years on from leaving my wealthy ex-husband he lives in a 1.4 million property complete with swimming pool whilst we are still just about getting by privately renting. He took everything and lied, hid and lied some more.
I am free.
I have no regrets.

Not had a chance to read everyone's comments yet but wanted to clarify a couple things:

The loans that he took out in my name were with my knowledge. I signed the documents, but trusted him that they were needed to pay for home improvements etc at the time which they were. The reason why I mentioned they come out from my account in my name is because I see them as something I'm paying my monthly salary towards. He is annoyed and always mentions that all I contribute is £600 that he puts towards the mortgage. He never includes the loan repayments, which are also not included in the £7000 monthly expenses I mentioned previously.

Regarding the tampons, yes there are occasions I will add them or some deodorant to the online shop. Maybe a couple times a year. But the majority of the time I pay for these things in my own because he's always compiling how much the online basket is (usually less than £60/ wk but he chooses to purchase some things from the butcher or independent shops so aren't included in the online weekly shop). I very rarely eat any of it.

And yes, his view of success in the world is all monetary. He's had high ambitions of achieving a large house with a pool, and living a certain lifestyle. We've been together since uni and at that time I supposed it looked promising that I would also help contribute and achieve those goals with him. But like I said, I've struggled all my life and always felt like a failure, never quite knowing why until I was diagnosed with ADHD. He's not supportive or understanding of my struggles and has made zero effort to understand it and how it impacts my life. He's now upset that I've not lived up to his expectations, and views his responsibility to cover the bills as carrying me like a dead weight who's just living off of him.

He's annoyed at the fact that I can spend £300 on my own expenses because he wants me to contribute more and doesn't feel it's fair I get to spend my money on myself. When I mention that he's able to spend money on what he wants to he'll give me an answer like it's related to health (gym memberships, supplements, etc) or will say "well maybe when you make more like me then you can spend more, but you don't"

He has a justification for everything. He's always a victim. We split most of the responsibilities with the children, each doing school drop offs, but some days he'll do both pick ups, or take one child to an after school club while I work. I almost always do the dinners while he trends to do morning breakfasts. He resents my job (which I'm currently working towards a promotion for the first time in my life) because there are times when I'm busy working or on a call or away on business so everything falls in him including getting his work done. And while I do understand this, I also have an employer to report to and don't have the flexibility that he does with his own work. I also help him with some of his admin work in the evenings.

What do you think would happen if you stood up to him and said ‘I am not going to contribute any more of my income to the family pot. I am keeping the £300 a month (£75 a week) for my personal expenditure and I don’t want to discuss it further until we have worked out how we can reduce our family expenses in other ways. It is unreasonable of you to expect me to have no money for myself.’

So he moans that you don't earn enough, yet he resents your job even when you go for promotion. He wants you to earn more, yet has you working for him for free in the evenings. It is all just a stick to beat you with OP. It's not possible to ever please a man like this because what he wants changes from one moment to the next. If you were a SAHM you'd be a scrounger. If you were a high flyer you'd be neglectful for never being home. Whatever you do it will be wrong in his eyes.

They are always the victim, always! No matter what abuse they dish out - that is always justified in their minds. The only way to win their game is to refuse to play, to choose to remove yourself to a safer healthier environment and live your life in peace. You deserve that and it's within your power to achieve it.

Saying you only contribute £600 to the mortgage isn't true when you also contribute £600 to the loan. You're contributing 2/3 of your salary and further subsidising the family pot by purchasing personal things like toiletries and everyday basic food from your personal spends. What he says isn't true, he's gaslighting you. Gaslighting is emotional abuse.

Calling you an under achiever is gaslighting too. You're not really. Obviously everyone is different and some are affected to a greater or lesser degree and across different areas of functioning, but the whole point of ND conditions is that you won't meet the criteria for diagnosis if it's not severely affecting your life in many ways. It is a disability. Whether it affects you in ways that others can see or not is irrelevant. Plenty of people with ADHD are completely unable to work at all. You're experiencing this mental disadvantage and yet you're working two jobs, one salaried, earning more than average, and one for free. And he calls you an underachiever! Without the stress he heaps upon you (and which at this time you'll be largely oblivious to because it's been your definition of normal for so many years) and the mental space that takes up, your career could perhaps take off. He calls you a dead weight, but he's the one holding you back.

You know what his opinion of you is. It's appalling. And it's not even true. Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who believes you're a dead weight? Someone who claims to support you, whilst in reality is constantly belittling you? Not only ignoring your contributions to the family pot but gaslighting you over it too? Someone who has no respect for you and who doesn't even like you, never mind love you?

You list that everything he spends is fine because it's "for health". Erm...food is for health. And toiletries. Why do you go without food etc, life's basics, so he can afford to go to the gym? His health worth more than yours, is it? What with you supposedly being an inferior person and all... Just because he says something, justifies it in his own mind, that doesn't automatically make it true or right or ok.

It's good that he shares the school run and meals but this doesn't make him a saint. As for when you're busy everything falls to him including getting his work done - that's totally normal. You don't owe him 24/7 availability. You don't owe him your evenings to do his admin, effectively working a second job for free, especially when it's unappreciated and unacknowledged as a contribution. I'll bet there's times when he's busy and you do the bulk of the childcare. Like when he's at the gym, for instance. But that's ok, hey, because childcare is a woman's job and you should be grateful for any help he gives?! No. Seems to me he doesn't want a wife, a cherished equal to share life's ups and downs with. He wants a slave, someone subservient whom he can control and dictate to.