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Original poster

Our holiday has been crashed by relatives who want nothing to do with me

61 replies

Cyclebabble · 17/12/2023 18:47

I would like to check some mumsnet views on this situation. I and DH have had our ups and downs. We separated for a while and it turns out that he has a particularly severe form of dementia called lewy bodies which has driven some quite challenging behaviour including paranoia. For the moment I am still working but I am also increasingly his carer. DH is close to his family but in recent times they have not got along with me. In particular, with no justification they put in a safeguarding complaint to Social Services with a view to stopping me caring for him. Their allegations included me controlling his money (I do not but he needs help to handle his bank account these days) and coercive control.

We have a brief holiday booked in January. I heard my husband on the phone the other day where they were saying we will see you there. In short they have unilaterally decided they are going to come on this holiday. There expectation is that I will "disappear" for two of the nine days I have whilst they spend time with DH.

DH says he looks forward to seeing them and stress potentially aggravates the damentia so I cannot rage and just tell them to do one.

AIBU for feeling rage that there is nothing I can do to stop them doing this?

OP posts:
muchalover · 17/12/2023 18:50

Might you see it as an opportunity to get a real break? Plan some things to do just for you, take a book, get some beauty treatment, sit and have a meal with wine. Just for you.

saraclara · 17/12/2023 19:10

It seems that your DH wants to see them, so annoyed though I'd be, if they're only going to be around for a couple of days, I'd let them get on with it and take myself off each day for a bit of 'me time'.

tokesqueen · 17/12/2023 19:26

Do you have Power of Attorney?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dementia & alzheimer's Families
Riverstep · 17/12/2023 19:35

How often does your dh see his family members and why do you not get on with them?

Crazycrazylady · 17/12/2023 19:41

I think it's clear op that they're thinking down the road to his estate and are trying to cut you out of it!

Original poster
Cyclebabble · 17/12/2023 19:49

Given DH's condition this might be the last holiday we get where he can properly participate and enjoy it. Hence why I resent this. The relatives live abroad and he last saw them in February last year.

As I said in the original post, family members made a SS complaint. Between us we do have considerable assets and I think they see an opportunity to control these assets. Note as well we are from different cultures and under pressure I think this is showing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cyclebabble · 17/12/2023 19:50

There is currently no power of attorney. I am discussing this with a solicitor but they need proof DH is now competent to make one which is ongoing.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 17/12/2023 19:52

Can you rebook to a couple of weeks later?

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 17/12/2023 19:53

Hurry those legalities along. Book yourself elsewhere for those few days. Let them see caring for dh isn't what they envisaged at all. Bite your tongue imo. Give them enough rope and all that.

Spottywombat · 17/12/2023 19:58

Get onto the. gov website & get your LPAs sorted sent off for registration.

If he has capacity then you can sort it yourself. It's faffy but not hard.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 17/12/2023 20:02

I’d be worried that they’re visiting you to get PoA ahead of you and suspect their motives OP.

SheilaFentiman · 17/12/2023 20:11

Spottywombat · 17/12/2023 19:58

Get onto the. gov website & get your LPAs sorted sent off for registration.

If he has capacity then you can sort it yourself. It's faffy but not hard.

Sadly i think this may be beyond “self service” as the DH has a diagnosis and is needing a certain level of care already. Hence the solicitor looking for a capacity assessment.

When my parents were doing theirs, my dad had early signs of dementia and then, of bloody course, one of his had an admin error and he had to have a second capacity assessment, several months later, and I think only just passed that.

mummabubs · 17/12/2023 20:11

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 17/12/2023 20:02

I’d be worried that they’re visiting you to get PoA ahead of you and suspect their motives OP.

This is why the mental capacity assessment will be so important as it will be based on the decision of whether he has the mental capacity to decide/ appoint a power of attorney for financial decisions. You can only appoint an LPA whilst you have capacity, if he is found to lack it then it would need to go through Court of Protection.

But aside from all that I don't think you're unreasonable to feel angry OP, who on earth invites themselves on someone else's holiday!? Beyond rude.

SheilaFentiman · 17/12/2023 20:13

Op, come to the cockroach cafe thread if it would help. It is mostly about MNers dealing with parental dementia but it’s useful for legal stuff and support

SD1978 · 17/12/2023 20:27

Firstly, I'm sorry. Early onset dementia is a bastard. I'd limit what access DH has to your joint assets currently, if family is accusing you of financial control currently, and he has capacity and access, I'd want to make sure assets were protected- reparable as you don't know what kind of care you'll need for DH in the future. If it were me, I'd probably give them the 2 days- it gives you a chance to have a little downtime, and I'd imagine that will get harder as this progresses. If there is a way to ensure that assets are protected, I'd be on that ASAP. Social services will not be interested, but if they do come again, I would be looking for what help is available and being f aware of services you can access- unfortunately aggression and violence quite often goes alone with early onset so it would be good to k ow what care options they have to assist you, before you need it.

DragonMama3 · 17/12/2023 20:39

Cyclebabble · 17/12/2023 19:49

Given DH's condition this might be the last holiday we get where he can properly participate and enjoy it. Hence why I resent this. The relatives live abroad and he last saw them in February last year.

As I said in the original post, family members made a SS complaint. Between us we do have considerable assets and I think they see an opportunity to control these assets. Note as well we are from different cultures and under pressure I think this is showing.

allegedly I personally wouldn't let him be alone. allegedly he could sign anything.

DragonMama3 · 17/12/2023 20:39

you need power of attorney

SecondUsername4me · 17/12/2023 20:41

What was the outcome of the social services complaint?

DragonMama3 · 17/12/2023 20:41

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 17/12/2023 19:53

Hurry those legalities along. Book yourself elsewhere for those few days. Let them see caring for dh isn't what they envisaged at all. Bite your tongue imo. Give them enough rope and all that.

allgedly don't let them care for him.

FridayForever · 17/12/2023 20:42

I don't think "allegedly" works in the way you think it does, Dragon Mama 3.

But I have a horrid feeling your instincts could be right here apart from that.

saraclara · 17/12/2023 21:04

allegedly I personally wouldn't let him be alone. allegedly he could sign anything

Good point. (Though I'm not sure where the allegedly comes in)

StBrides · 17/12/2023 21:07

Just a note that as you're married, it isn't his money, it's your money and you have as much right to be in charge of it as he does.

Nagado · 17/12/2023 21:08

What they’re doing is absolutely shit and I don’t blame you for being furious with them. But if you don’t want to stress your DH out by telling them to sod right off, then your only real option is to see it as an opportunity for you to have a break. Let them deal with his illness for the two days. Perhaps they’ll see things a bit differently when you’re not there to do all the donkey work.

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 17/12/2023 21:17

I think they're absolute shits, we're currently dealing with alzheimers in FIL. It isn't that far along, just far enough that he's been stopped from driving, but he is absolutely terrible with money because of it. He hasn't got a grasp of how much things cost so most people close to your situation would absolutely understand why things are how they are.

Let them spend time with him, maybe they'll realise how unwell he is, and how much effort you're putting into ensuring his needs are met.

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