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Original poster

Our holiday has been crashed by relatives who want nothing to do with me

61 replies

Cyclebabble · 17/12/2023 18:47

I would like to check some mumsnet views on this situation. I and DH have had our ups and downs. We separated for a while and it turns out that he has a particularly severe form of dementia called lewy bodies which has driven some quite challenging behaviour including paranoia. For the moment I am still working but I am also increasingly his carer. DH is close to his family but in recent times they have not got along with me. In particular, with no justification they put in a safeguarding complaint to Social Services with a view to stopping me caring for him. Their allegations included me controlling his money (I do not but he needs help to handle his bank account these days) and coercive control.

We have a brief holiday booked in January. I heard my husband on the phone the other day where they were saying we will see you there. In short they have unilaterally decided they are going to come on this holiday. There expectation is that I will "disappear" for two of the nine days I have whilst they spend time with DH.

DH says he looks forward to seeing them and stress potentially aggravates the damentia so I cannot rage and just tell them to do one.

AIBU for feeling rage that there is nothing I can do to stop them doing this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cyclebabble · 17/12/2023 21:18

The outcome of the complaint was no further action required. However I have been told this will still rest on the file, i.e. even if the concerns have been dismissed there is still a record of the fact that someone said I was abusing DH. For me this feels like every time I deal with Community Mental Health or SS that I am being looked at as a potential abuser. It is a form of abuse in a way. It is easy to sling allegations around much harder to get them removed entirely.

OP posts:
WolfAndBadger · 17/12/2023 21:20

They're not planning to use your two days absence to say you abandoned him, are they? Is the country you're visiting nearer to them than your the country where you live? Just wondering why they don't go on holiday with him separately.

Original poster
Cyclebabble · 17/12/2023 21:21

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 17/12/2023 21:17

I think they're absolute shits, we're currently dealing with alzheimers in FIL. It isn't that far along, just far enough that he's been stopped from driving, but he is absolutely terrible with money because of it. He hasn't got a grasp of how much things cost so most people close to your situation would absolutely understand why things are how they are.

Let them spend time with him, maybe they'll realise how unwell he is, and how much effort you're putting into ensuring his needs are met.

Yes it’s hard and I do not need this extra stress TBH. I just wanted a nice
holiday.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dementia & alzheimer's Families
WolfAndBadger · 17/12/2023 21:23

DragonMama3 · 17/12/2023 20:41

allgedly don't let them care for him.

Show quote history

Why do you keep putting "allegedly" in front of your sentences? It means "this is what I've heard but I'm not personally accusing you of anything". It doesn't work in your sentences.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 17/12/2023 21:29

Cyclebabble · 17/12/2023 19:50

There is currently no power of attorney. I am discussing this with a solicitor but they need proof DH is now competent to make one which is ongoing.

You don’t need a solicitor to obtain an LPA. You can do it yourself - download the forms from the website - Office of the Public Guardian. Unless he has already been declared not to have capacity, to make and understand decisions, there’s no reason not to go ahead.

Original poster
Cyclebabble · 17/12/2023 21:31

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 17/12/2023 21:29

You don’t need a solicitor to obtain an LPA. You can do it yourself - download the forms from the website - Office of the Public Guardian. Unless he has already been declared not to have capacity, to make and understand decisions, there’s no reason not to go ahead.

Show quote history

Thanks. We consulted a lawyer and the advice is to get a medical opinion otherwise the POA can be challenged.

OP posts:
Bellyblueboy · 17/12/2023 21:34

Do you have children?

are the relatives his parents or his siblings, or both?

are they capable of caring for him?

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 17/12/2023 21:43

Cyclebabble · 17/12/2023 21:31

Thanks. We consulted a lawyer and the advice is to get a medical opinion otherwise the POA can be challenged.

Show quote history

That’s probably sensible if that’s what you’ve been advised. Lewy Bodies is a particularly awful form of dementia and I feel for you. My advice was based on experience with my mum, who was diagnosed with vascular dementia. The consultant at the memory clinic who made the diagnosis told me if I was going to get an LPA, to do it soon, because it wouldn’t be possible once she was assessed has having lost the capacity to understand what it meant - she had full capacity at the time.

I agree that the situation with his family dictates that you need this to be watertight, and I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. As others on the thread have said, it sounds as though they’re up to something. Get that LPA in place as soon as you can if possible and watch your back.

Original poster
Cyclebabble · 17/12/2023 21:46

Yes we have children. I will not go into too many details as it will identify us but these are siblings of DH who are doing this and their children.

OP posts:
TheABC · 17/12/2023 21:59

I would rebook the holiday if possible and focus on getting the medical assessment and LPA done. I'm sorry this is happening to you, OP. Dementia is awful.

DragonMama3 · 17/12/2023 22:05

Huge hugs op x

buckeejit · 17/12/2023 22:22

I'm sorry you're going through this. Go ahead & book a doctor to sign to say he has capacity asap so POA is in place.

I think you need to take control & engage with whoever will take over as main carer in your absence. Have an email paper trail to say she needs x, y & z. If they are happy to take responsibility for this & would prefer to spend time with dh alone, you will stay at a nearby hotel or whatever from date/time to date/time
When you'll return. Insist that they contact you if anything goes wrong or he needs help & request them not to broach anything serious without you there as stress can be triggering.

Even if Only for the purposes of evidence, show willing to put your dh's needs first & say he has said he's looking to forward to seeing them. Hope it all goes ok 💐

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 17/12/2023 22:31

buckeejit · 17/12/2023 22:22

I'm sorry you're going through this. Go ahead & book a doctor to sign to say he has capacity asap so POA is in place.

I think you need to take control & engage with whoever will take over as main carer in your absence. Have an email paper trail to say she needs x, y & z. If they are happy to take responsibility for this & would prefer to spend time with dh alone, you will stay at a nearby hotel or whatever from date/time to date/time
When you'll return. Insist that they contact you if anything goes wrong or he needs help & request them not to broach anything serious without you there as stress can be triggering.

Even if Only for the purposes of evidence, show willing to put your dh's needs first & say he has said he's looking to forward to seeing them. Hope it all goes ok 💐

I wouldn’t be letting his family anywhere near him by themselves. As a pp mentioned, the OP doesn’t know what they may have planned and if she does as they want and leaves her DH alone with them for a couple of days, they may say she tried to abandon him. These people have reported lies to social services regarding DH’s care and accused OP of financial and coercive control. I woudn’t trust them as far as I could throw them.

krustykittens · 17/12/2023 22:35

I would be cancelling the holiday as well until you have POA sorted out. My FIl had Lewy bodies, his paranoia made him very open to manipulation. He also lost it with money - DH went home on a visit during the early stages and found £3,000 in small bills hidden all over the house as he was convinced the bank were trying to take his money. He had forgotten he had withdrawn it or where he had hidden it.

Snowdogsmitten · 17/12/2023 22:47

They’re trying to get at what you have…

MILTOBE · 17/12/2023 22:54

This sounds horrendous. Why do they think they're entitled to anything at all? I don't know of any other case where a sibling inherits instead of a wife and children. I'd like to see their faces if someone suggested their spouses left their money to someone else.

Can you sort out bank accounts so there's very little in there that he can access immediately?

I would speak to my GP and explain that I thought they were going to manipulate him into having them as POA.

buckeejit · 17/12/2023 22:59

Sorry if he would be susceptible to agreeing to things that he wouldn't otherwise, then ask them not to come-at least until You have POA firmly in place.

It's tricky if he wants to see them though. If there's any way you could

buckeejit · 17/12/2023 23:00

Agh - arrange some additional support to sit in with them & you for a visit, would that be a compromise?

Good luck & hope it goes well

TwoMoreBoxesJayne · 17/12/2023 23:13

Are you kids adults? Can they help? Perhaps hang out with your husband while he sees his family.

GoingDownLikeBHS · 17/12/2023 23:25

Is the holiday in a different country? E.g., you in UK going to France or something like that? Just seems that if an overseas visit is involved you and he might be even more vulnerable to being manipulated by the family. It sounds very worrying. Did you say you do have adult children? How long have you been married?

Tittiesthattouchmytors · 18/12/2023 01:32

Gosh- they’ve shown the hand at least.
Did he inherit from his side of the family? Perhaps they think they are entitled to ‘family’ money.
Make it an immediate and absolute full time priority to get POA, even if you have to pay someone to do the chasing. There are so many steps to completing the forms, that it is worth hiring an expert. Before you realise it, your DH may no longer be able to convince someone he has the capacity to sign it to you.

i would not go on holiday with these people, nor would I do what they want me to do. I certainly would not leave him alone with him so they can make their own arrangements for his money. I would arrange a very important hospital appointment and not mention it until far too late.

Do you have a separate bank account so you can protect yourself from financial abuse by these people? Are your children supporting you both?

Consider how to out manoeuvre them at every step.

Original poster
Cyclebabble · 18/12/2023 09:28

Children are supportive but are adults and will not be going on this holiday with us. Eldest is now living abroad and the youngest has just started work and will not get time off. As to the sense of entitlement, DH is from a culture where it is usual to support relatives and we have done this throughout our married life. I am aware that early on in his condition there was a discussion about him buying a house "where they all could live". I am not entirely sure but I suspect that although they would never verbalise it they see an opportunity to separate us and derive some very significant benefits. DH would in good health see this coming a mile off. However he is not now able to see this and just sees relatives as wanting to see and be with him.

OP posts:
Inertia · 18/12/2023 09:38

I would rearrange the holiday and not go until you have all legal matters sorted.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 18/12/2023 09:49

Have you had a legal marriage in the uk? Just a bit concerned when you mention cultural issues that you may not be married under uk law as happens to many women who find themselves with no legal rights following a cultural ceremonial service.
Sorry for all you're going through with DH and his family are making every harder
I'm a bit suspicious why they want him to themselves for a couple of days.

DragonMama3 · 18/12/2023 16:55

A deceased relative of mine was persuaded during chemo to leave her entire estate to someone who wasn't even in the original will. Sadly, it can and does happen.

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