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Original poster

Jewish woman coming for Christmas, anything I need to know?

96 replies

JinglePringle · 15/12/2023 20:20

Just that really.

She is my Dad's partner they don't live close so we only see them a few times a year. This year for the first time we have our own home and are hosting Christmas.

We have been out to eat with them and although she doesn't eat pork she doesn't seem bothered if others do.

Is it ok to say Merry Christmas?
I know they have 2 kitchens at home is there anything I need to keep separate?
I have got her a present, just a nice candle. Is that ok?

Massively overthinking I'm sure but I don't want to upset or offend and it is our first time doing Christmas so I want it to go well.

OP posts:
Original poster
JinglePringle · 15/12/2023 21:36

Dessert is a Christmas pudding which is veggie so I think that will be ok. I'll also have bowls of nibbles out all day nuts, olives, crisps etc.

I just don't want her to be hungry, she seems lovely, I want her to enjoy herself.

I think if I served anything she couldn't eat she would make an excuse for not eating (had a big breakfast etc) rather than say anything directly.

I will put the food in bowls on the table so everyone can help themself so I won't be serving her a plate of food just in case I put something on she can't have.

OP posts:
Original poster
JinglePringle · 15/12/2023 21:39

titchy · 15/12/2023 21:32

Don't do smoked salmon for her. Just vegetarian unless you have bought specific kosher meat. And prepare her food separately.

I'd assume if she eats out she choose vegetarian options so she may not be so frum as to require a separate kitchen as she would be at home.

How come this hasn't come up before though?

We only see them a few times a year. We catch up on each others lives and discuss sports, the weather, and other mundane things.

Her dietary requirements have never come up.

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 15/12/2023 21:41

It all depends if she kosher or not. Do they live together?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Events & celebrations
CarterBeatsTheDevil · 15/12/2023 21:41

OP, does this lady specifically have two kitchens at home for milk and everything else, or are you saying that's your understanding of what Jewish people do generally? I am Jewish (not religious) and have many Jewish friends who range from super-orthodox to Big Mac on Yom Kippur (ie really not).

Two kitchens would suggest a very high level of observance (and it would be unusual for someone of that level of observance to date anyone not equally religious). If she was so strict about keeping kosher that she had two kitchens I would be astonished if she was prepared to eat food prepared in a restaurant or other place which also served non-kosher meat, let alone pork or shellfish.

In short, I think you may be overthinking this. Personally I would either cook what you want, or avoid meat (and fish if you're not confident of choosing acceptable fish), which tends to the thing that complicates the meal. Dairy is fine as long as it's not mixed with meat.

MBL · 15/12/2023 21:46

While the two kitchens does indicate a certain level of observance the fact that she has eaten in regular pubs with you and is coming to your home to eat I think says a lot. She isn't a fool. She knows you aren't Jewish and what that would entail.

I would have vegan/veggie options available for all courses and I would not serve pork/shellfish.

I'm sure you'll all have a brilliant time and your present seems perfect.

IvysMum12 · 15/12/2023 21:47

The trouble you are taking will be very much appreciated.
Please don't worry, and please ask her anything you need to know.
She'll probably offer to bring a dessert/soup.
Say yes!

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 15/12/2023 21:48

@MBL this is what I meant to say but beautifully pithy

MBL · 15/12/2023 21:50

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 15/12/2023 21:48

@MBL this is what I meant to say but beautifully pithy

I was going to say great minds to you!

MumChp · 15/12/2023 21:51

If she eats kosher foid I would ask her to bring her own food and wine. And her own plate/glass/cutlery.

My kitchen isn't equipped to prepare and serve kosher food and the stuff I buy isn't kosher.

If not eating kosher I would make sure to do a dish or two without pork and a dish or two not mixing food and milk. Basic rules in Jewish kitchen.

TwoMoreBoxesJayne · 15/12/2023 21:51

AffIt · 15/12/2023 20:59

If she keeps a kosher kitchen, then she must be quite observant with regard to dietary laws - I'd definitely check in advance.

I don't think this is always true. I used to live in an area with a lot of Jewish families and I had a few friends who were Jewish. They mostly had two kitchens and were generally observant but were also relaxed about eating out and visiting people who weren't Jewish.

I'd not worry about catering to her in particular other than avoiding pork and shellfish but even then I wouldn't worry too much.

Soontobe60 · 15/12/2023 21:53

Vettrianofan · 15/12/2023 20:57

Two kitchens. Wow. Sorry I am not getting past that bit🤣

Rude!

Soontobe60 · 15/12/2023 21:54

JinglePringle · 15/12/2023 21:06

Oh gosh what have I let myself in for!

They are in their 80's so it's not as simple as being able to ask. They don't do technology and their phone line has been down for weeks (They are getting it fixed in the new year apparently). Communication is done by good old-fashioned post.

We do go out to eat with them and she never asks the waiters any questions about food handling or preparation. Does this mean maybe she doesn't mind if it is not in her house?

I am writing a letter now with all these questions in. Hopefully she will answer it but I am expecting a letter back from my dad which says "Whatever you do is fine. We are looking forward to coming" Which is lovely but NOT helpful!

What sorts of restaurants does she eat in

therealcookiemonster · 15/12/2023 21:58

it's really nice of you to make the effort for your dad's partner, I am sure she will appreciate it and feel welcomed.

probably the safest bet is to do a vegan sides, starters, dessertsetc for her and then maybe buy a kosher steak/other cut of meat that can be cooked very simply or maybe even a nice piece of fish pan fried or grilled. that way she still gets a decent main for Xmas and you reduce your workload. you could allocate one oven tray and one pan for her to avoid any mix ups (and get her stuff ready first). m&s vegan Xmas sides are really great.

Original poster
JinglePringle · 15/12/2023 22:00

Thank you everyone I really appreciate the input.

When we eat out we just go for pub grub nothing about being kosher on the menu that I have noticed (admittedly I wasn't looking) I hope this means she isn't too strict.

They have 2 kitchens but I don't know how they are used.

I will send my letter off tomorrow and make any adjustments based on the reply.

There is a vegetarian and dairy free option all day so I hope that will be enough.

I will buy a new plate, bowl, pans, cutlery etc to be on the safe side.

OP posts:
TwoMoreBoxesJayne · 15/12/2023 22:01

"We do go out to eat with them and she never asks the waiters any questions about food handling or preparation. Does this mean maybe she doesn't mind if it is not in her house"

I think you are worrying too much.

Desolatewardrobe · 15/12/2023 22:01

I used to have a partner who observed kosher rules at home but just ate vegetarian food when out to keep things simple. He only had one kitchen though.

I agree that your guest is coming to you aware that you will not be providing food cooked in kosher conditions and presumably is just hoping to have a nice day with you!

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 15/12/2023 22:03

That sounds great, OP. It's lovely that you've put so much thought into this.

Side note: a friend, aware that I was Jewish but not that I wasn't observant, made me a beautiful dinner including scallops (not kosher) for a starter and made a point of telling me that she'd not wrapped mine in bacon.

I really appreciated the thought and tried not to be sad about the no bacon

FrannieSaid · 15/12/2023 22:04

Vettrianofan · 15/12/2023 20:57

Two kitchens. Wow. Sorry I am not getting past that bit🤣

Wondering why you find this amusing.

Perhaps a Google before you make yourself look so ... uninformed next time?

Tulipsroses · 15/12/2023 22:05

You are really overthinking it. If someone says they are Jewish doesn't mean they are practicing ultra Orthodox Jew. I am a Jewish women, I eat everything and celebrate Christmas.

Tbry · 15/12/2023 22:09

When I dated someone from this background he and his family were very relaxed eating out, compared to me. I’m vegetarian and it was completely fine so just do an entire vegetarian menu, there will be zero problems with that.

She will notice how much effort and thought you have put into this.

As for the two kitchens it maybe her families old house who were stricter or if she was married before her husband was. Or a multitude of other reasons that are not relevant. She has eaten out before with you no problems she knows you are not of the same religion and she has accepted your invitation so this is not a big deal at all.

Hope you all have a merry Christmas together, I’m sure she is really looking forward to it 💐

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/12/2023 22:12

AnnaMagnani · Today 20:58
**
If they have 2 kitchens at home, she is serious about keeping kosher.
**
I'd check with her as it is more complicated than not serving her bacon or sausages.”

In which case she needs to tell her host: people can’t be expected to guess.

T0rt0ise · 15/12/2023 22:14

Another Jew here who says not to worry. If she eats out in pubs I wouldn't worry about new pans etc, just avoid cooking anything meat/fish in the same pan without giving it a good scrub.

I'd also go for a vegetarian menu rather than vegan as generally Jews who are happy to eat out will be happy with non-certified dairy and often fish (meat tends to be the key thing that fairly but not super observant people look to be kosher certified).

In terms of approach to Christmasness, I'd just treat her as any other guest at Christmas. Channukah has just finished so you could ask about how they celebrated/did they do anything nice etc, but she will be expecting the environment to be Christmassy if she's visiting for Christmas!

TwoMoreBoxesJayne · 15/12/2023 22:17

@Tbry
When I dated someone from this background he and his family were very relaxed eating out, compared to me. I’m vegetarian and it was completely fine so just do an entire vegetarian menu, there will be zero problems with that
She will notice how much effort and thought you have put into this.

She might also not care at all and feel awkward that you went to all the trouble for no reason.

MBL · 15/12/2023 22:21

JinglePringle · 15/12/2023 22:00

Thank you everyone I really appreciate the input.

When we eat out we just go for pub grub nothing about being kosher on the menu that I have noticed (admittedly I wasn't looking) I hope this means she isn't too strict.

They have 2 kitchens but I don't know how they are used.

I will send my letter off tomorrow and make any adjustments based on the reply.

There is a vegetarian and dairy free option all day so I hope that will be enough.

I will buy a new plate, bowl, pans, cutlery etc to be on the safe side.

You sound lovely but honestly don't buy new pans or plates, cutlery etc. She won't expect it on the basis of what you have said.

I can't believe she'd care but you could run it all through the dishwasher twice and give it a quick rinse. I wouldn't do this though. She will know the score if she's coming to you for dinner.

WinterNamechange · 15/12/2023 22:27

I think if she was expecting you to cater for very specific requirements she would have told you by now, so you may make her feel awkward if you go really over the top - especially as you say she is fine going out for meals in pubs etc.