Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Getting married: surnames

61 replies

Howmanynames1 · 15/12/2023 06:14

I'm getting married next year. I have always said I'll keep my surname but use my husband's name socially. I'm now starting to think I might just add his on the end of mine. But I have two middle names too. So in total I'll have 5 names. I know this isn't unusual as such but to me it is a lot.

Another factor is my son. He is [my surname] [dad's surname]. So we'll still have that link just a different end name.

I don't want to give up my name because I like it and it links me to my family and son. But my fiancé will then be linked to me. I don't know if I'm sounding a bit immature about it all though/overthinking.

OP posts:
flutterby1 · 15/12/2023 06:20

You don't really use a surname socially, I mean sometimes on wedding table placements etc. Do you mean just tell people you're Mrs husband but then on your legal documents put down Mrs X

You could just be known as Mrs husband, tell everyone you're Mrs husband x or you could double barrel it, it doesn't really make a difference about your middle names as they are rarely used, only on formal documentation.

Original poster
Howmanynames1 · 15/12/2023 06:25

That's true about middle names. I guess I was thinking about my driving licence /passport length etc but it doesn't matter really you're right.

Yes so I would introduce as Mrs Y but I would legally remain Ms X. Just thinking if it might just be simpler to be Mrs X Y.

OP posts:
flutterby1 · 15/12/2023 06:30

It may be simpler to put Mrs XY and that would probably please your new husband too, whatever you decide make sure it's right as it costs thousands to change in terms of legal docs and admin, I mean if you buy a house etc and then LATER you decide to change your name. Passport , etc etc

Chilicabbage · 15/12/2023 06:32

I just kept mine and use it officially and socially

Sugarfree23 · 15/12/2023 06:37

Go with the same name as your son. Whatever you put in the Surname box on his birth cert, which will be the name ge uses at the GP, school and dentist

Original poster
Howmanynames1 · 15/12/2023 06:38

We will be owning a house together and I also own property. This is another reason I'm apprehensive about changing my name. I'd have so much admin.

OP posts:
ohsobroody · 15/12/2023 06:41

If it helps I took my husbands surname, my sister kept her own and my friend double barrelled. We have all been given shit for our choices from friends and family so rest assured, as a woman, Whatever you pick someone will judge you! So just go with whichever option sounds best to you Grin

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 15/12/2023 06:42

Id stay ms for a start.

and yes i wouldn't change my name at all. Especially in your situation. I now work with lots of women who do nit change their names as their careers are established. Some do seem to use their husband’s name socially though.

keep your name. Call yourself what you want when you want.

biter · 15/12/2023 06:43

Been married twice, divorced once.

1st marriage reluctantly changed name. Hated it, was a pain in the arse to administer and didn't feel ' me. '. Changed it back as soon as we split. More painful,admin but worth it

Second time no change at all. We both have different names. Kids are double barrelled. Works perfectly. All are happy.

Name changing on marriage is an antiquated, cultural, unnecessary practice. And purely optional.

ShoesoftheWorld · 15/12/2023 06:43

Sugarfree23 · 15/12/2023 06:37

Go with the same name as your son. Whatever you put in the Surname box on his birth cert, which will be the name ge uses at the GP, school and dentist

Do this. Where I live only one partner can double barrel - you have to opt for one 'family name', which the children are called, and the other person can double-barrel if they choose. The alternatives are everyone with same name and both keep their names and decide which to name the children. Dh offered to take mine but for various reasons I didn't want that, neither did I want to 'disappear' into his, and didn't want the status quo either - so I've ended up with Ponsonby-Smythe and the children are just Ponsonby and while I do like my name, it's always a bit odd. I'd have preferred your solution for the children and by extension for all of us.

doodlepants · 15/12/2023 06:45

My mum wanted to use her husbands name socially. You know what happened? It just became her name. It's difficult having two identities and can actually become very problematic when booking flights/tickets for things when your passport is different to everything else and you don't go by the name on your passport.

HomburgandTrilby · 15/12/2023 06:47

Just keep yours. Why anyone still considers changing their name in 2023 is baffling.

seenisambol · 15/12/2023 06:49

Another vote for keeping your name. Is your fiancé wrangling with what to change his name to after marriage? No. So why should you.

Birchvalley · 15/12/2023 06:51

With hindsight I wish I’d hadn’t changed my name and wish I’d double barrelled my daughter’s name. Pretty sure my daughter will change hers to match mine when she’s old enough to not need her dad’s agreement.

Seaitoverthere · 15/12/2023 06:59

After a few years I used DH’s name socially when DC were young on one bank account and at the doctors but I got fed up and 20 plus years down the line I just use my proper name.

Bolloxforsure · 15/12/2023 07:02

Would it be easier for him to take your name?

Ilovegoldies · 15/12/2023 07:03

I'm keeping mine. I just refer to us as Mrs & Mr X socially. I really cba with the admin

NorthernAttitude · 15/12/2023 07:05

I'd rather keep my name the same as my child than my husband, plus I couldn't be arsed swapping. I did change, but I wouldn't again.

SnapdragonToadflax · 15/12/2023 07:07

Just keep your own name. No reason to change, it's admin and if your son is double barrelled already it's obvious he's yours. Just make sure you don't let people drop your name from his.

Your DP could change his name...?

DustyLee123 · 15/12/2023 07:07

I’d keep your name, especially as your son has it.

Tistheramseason · 15/12/2023 07:12

Is he changing his name to to have a link to you? If not then leave yours as is and don't take part in what is essentially a sexist tradition. Imho 😉

eurochick · 15/12/2023 07:14

HomburgandTrilby · 15/12/2023 06:47

Just keep yours. Why anyone still considers changing their name in 2023 is baffling.

100% this.

Original poster
Howmanynames1 · 15/12/2023 07:15

Sadly my name gets dropped from my son's already by his father and their family. But he is known by his full name otherwise.

For those saying about DP changing. He too has children (albeit older) with his name. He isn't bothered what I do. It's just me overthinking.

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 15/12/2023 07:16

I use both. My maiden name at work as i have an established career, and my married name for most other things. If you double barrel i'm not sure if rules are different but you can use both names at the same time as you don't 'legally' change then by deed poll or anything, your marriage certificate does it basically

thedamnseason · 15/12/2023 07:17

Keep your name, there's no need to change it. It's not romantic or any reflection on how much you love your partner.
It's a completely outdated concept.