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Original poster

Getting married: surnames

61 replies

Howmanynames1 · 15/12/2023 06:14

I'm getting married next year. I have always said I'll keep my surname but use my husband's name socially. I'm now starting to think I might just add his on the end of mine. But I have two middle names too. So in total I'll have 5 names. I know this isn't unusual as such but to me it is a lot.

Another factor is my son. He is [my surname] [dad's surname]. So we'll still have that link just a different end name.

I don't want to give up my name because I like it and it links me to my family and son. But my fiancé will then be linked to me. I don't know if I'm sounding a bit immature about it all though/overthinking.

OP posts:
HachiAndNana · 15/12/2023 07:20

One of the random and minor things I ponder about sometimes is the challenge with double barrel names in 15/20 years when all these kids who got double-barrelled surnames are getting married, so Tristan XY marries Gwendoline AB, do they become Mr and Mrs XYAB? And thank goodness for the move to digital forms that will hopefully have less character restrictions.

ExpensiveDecorations · 15/12/2023 07:21

I kept my own name, it's been no bother. Zero admin. Sometimes people address me as Mrs Hissurname but I never call myself that.

Original poster
Howmanynames1 · 15/12/2023 07:28

@HachiAndNana I know what you mean. My son's name isn't hyphenated as we thought he might want drop one when older. I do get that it doesn't work like that in practice. I think it would be lovely in the future for new names to be created between families but again I know this isn't practical. As I said I overthink!

OP posts:
ShoesoftheWorld · 15/12/2023 07:31

HachiAndNana · 15/12/2023 07:20

One of the random and minor things I ponder about sometimes is the challenge with double barrel names in 15/20 years when all these kids who got double-barrelled surnames are getting married, so Tristan XY marries Gwendoline AB, do they become Mr and Mrs XYAB? And thank goodness for the move to digital forms that will hopefully have less character restrictions.

I guess people would adopt a Spanish-style system where the couple keeps two and drops two.

HachiAndNana · 15/12/2023 07:32

I like the idea of anagrams, so take a few letters from the four names and then invent a new one.
As I said, I tend to ponder random and minor things 😁

Tistheramseason · 15/12/2023 07:42

ShoesoftheWorld · 15/12/2023 07:31

I guess people would adopt a Spanish-style system where the couple keeps two and drops two.

Show quote history

I think this would be the best way to go.

Unfortunately most women still seem to charge their name, at least where I live (and give their children the dad's surname regardless of whether it's also their surname or whether they're married, but that's a whole other thread).

Daisies12 · 15/12/2023 07:45

thedamnseason · 15/12/2023 07:17

Keep your name, there's no need to change it. It's not romantic or any reflection on how much you love your partner.
It's a completely outdated concept.

This. Give yourself an easy life and just keep yours.

kargiunt · 15/12/2023 08:12

I kept my surname and our dc just have DH's name. I don't like the hassle of changing names and I wouldn't double barrel (I have 2 middle names and it would be too long to fit into some forms). I wouldn't use a different surname elsewhere from my legal/banking name as I've had issues with payments if people assume that's your banking name (admittedly in the days of cheques).

(To anyone who disapproves of my dcs having DH's surname, I specifically chose that to allow them to pass for being more Western so they wouldn't be saddled with my ethnically loaded surname).

MuchTooTired · 15/12/2023 08:23

I’ve been married twice. First marriage it was assumed I’d take his name. I got one gas bill addressed to Mr & Mrs his first initial his surname, and noped out of changing to his, so kept my double barrelled name. Current marriage, he changed his name the day before we married to part of my surname and his, so technically I took his name but it was ours.

I have 3 middle names and a massively long surname. It’s mildly irritating when I fill out school forms for my DTs (they’re only 5!) but otherwise I’m happy with my decision. I’m really happy the kids have both our surnames, because if DH and I split I can revert to my maiden name if I choose to and still have that connection to them.

Nearly all our family have accepted it, his dad still refuses to acknowledge it (it’s only been 12 years!) and my Dad got a bit pissy once that DH had ‘his’ surname but I told him to stop being ridiculous because it’s my surname DH has, not ‘his’ given DH wed me!

My kids if/when they marry are free to do what they like surname wise. Keep part/drop it all/make up their own, I don’t mind. For me personally though, I hate to be reduced down to just Mrs someone else.

Lottapianos · 15/12/2023 08:28

'Just keep yours. Why anyone still considers changing their name in 2023 is baffling'

This. I really don't get why so many women ditch their own names

CurlewKate · 15/12/2023 08:29

@One of the random and minor things I ponder about sometimes is the challenge with double barrel names in 15/20 years when all these kids who got double-barrelled surnames are getting married, so Tristan XY marries Gwendoline AB, do they become Mr and Mrs XYAB? And thank goodness for the move to digital forms that will hopefully have less character restrictions."

I did think about answering this, but then I decided it would be good for people to use their imaginations.

ObliviousCoalmine · 15/12/2023 08:31

Keep your own name, use your own name. You can still be Mrs.

ColourByNumbers88 · 15/12/2023 08:39

Just keep your own name.

DreamItDoIt · 15/12/2023 08:39

You are definitely over thinking. Perhaps try thinking about the fact that your love for each other and family bond are what links you. The family name thing is how other people see an obvious link.

I am not married and my children have DP name (yes I regret this but they are young adults now). My children are linked to me because they are mine. I have already been talking to my DD about keeping her name and any children she has having her name - just trying to show her the implications of changing. Imo there is no reason to change your name other than the patriarchy.

DreamItDoIt · 15/12/2023 08:41

In another note - why are you getting married? You sound as though you are financially independent? How old are your children? Bear in mind if anything were to happen to you without a Will, everything goes to your DH.

Mariposista · 15/12/2023 08:58

Honestly keep your own.

I changed mine at 18 with my mum back to her maiden name so we could have the same as the rest of the family (her 3 brothers, their families and my grandparents). I will never be changing again. Not only is it a faff, like you it’s a tie to those I love (and who sadly aren’t here anymore).
And be the same as your son.
My mum was brilliant. She could have changed it when the divorce was formalized when I was 3 months old. But she said that was MY choice to make and she would not change hers and leave me as the only one with a different surname when I was under 18

BrimfulOfMash · 15/12/2023 09:03

Just keep your name.

He keeps his name, you keep yours, your Dc has both. Makes sense!

Or you both hyphenate your names so that you both have the same name as your Dc and as each other. Also makes sense!

BrimfulOfMash · 15/12/2023 09:09

OP: you’re not overthinking. You are making a decision.

Your DP’s family’s attitude to your DC’s name would grate with me and would influence my decision to keep my name, and keep using DC’s full name!

Mum2teenboys · 15/12/2023 09:12

I don’t understand why people change their names. I have different surnames to my children and husband. I don’t feel like they aren’t my family. I’ve never had any problems with having a different name to them. Sometimes I get called Mrs husband/child surname, I don’t take offence at it.

thedamnseason · 15/12/2023 09:12

ObliviousCoalmine · 15/12/2023 08:31

Keep your own name, use your own name. You can still be Mrs.

Or be Ms and not be defined by marital status. Men aren't.

HappyAsASandboy · 15/12/2023 09:41

In the UK you're perfectly allowed to use your maiden name and your married name. They're pretty much interchangeable on production of your marriage certificate.

I changed my passport to Mrs Husband but kept Miss Maiden on my driving licence (just make sure your insurance documents are in Miss Maiden too as they should match). I have bank accounts in both names. At work I stayed Miss Maiden but then changed to Mrs Husband when I moved jobs because I wanted to. At any time I could change my passport back to Miss Maiden and close my Mrs Husband bank accounts and there'd be barely a trace of Mrs Husband left!

I think it is great that we can use both names legally.

Original poster
Howmanynames1 · 15/12/2023 09:41

Sorry I thought it was clear that DC is not DP's child. DC's father only wanted his name as his surname but I refused so we compromised with both. DP has his own children.

@DreamItDoIt good question. Honestly, I just do. I have never wanted to get married until I met my DP. It feels right. We are both financially independent of each other. Neither needs the other but we want each other. We have discussed our assets and we acknowledge we need to take sound legal advice on the division of our estates for when we pass.

OP posts:
Original poster
Howmanynames1 · 15/12/2023 09:43

@HappyAsASandboy I did not know that. Thank you.

OP posts:
Davros · 15/12/2023 09:51

I think it's good to have the same surname but it doesn't have to be his. Or yours come to that, pick something else. I don't like double barrelling, what happens to the next generation or another remarriage?

DreamItDoIt · 15/12/2023 10:04

'I think it's great we can use both names legally'

Sorry but the knots women tie themselves into is actually ridiculous. Men never change their name, never think about the admin of changing documents etc. if all of a sudden the government announced that from now on men had to change their name and the children take the women's name absolutely nothing would happen because men just wouldn't do it. Women are so brainwashed.