Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Family members wanting to do everything together

67 replies

TakeTheBiscuits · 14/12/2023 15:14

I want to book a break to a popular UK destination. I mentioned it in passing to a relative and they were like "great, when are you going. I'll book the time off from work"
Then half an hour later I get a text from another relative saying that beccy had called to say we were going away to x and they were so excited! What are the dates etc. We will book too!!!!

So I created a group chat between the 3 of us to say I think they might have got the wrong end of the stick, me and my husband/kids will be going, but would prefer it to just be us.
We desperately need some time as a family and every time we try to plan something everyone else wants to join in. Its not fun. There are too many people there to please everyone and it descends very quickly into chaos every time. But time and time again they want us to do everything together. I don't understand the obsession, like yes, lets do some thing things together, like a nice meal or a walk but not everything!
They got really offended and made out that I am horrible and have a problem with them so in the end I just said we aren't going. I can't be bothered to argue over something that was supposed to be a treat.

I am now thinking that I just book it and not tell them. I will put my phone on do not disturb whilst we are there and enjoy my time with my family in peace. That's all I want, to spend a bit of quality time, just the 4 of us, having fun, enjoying one another's company and being a family.

Its BIL's 50th in 18 months and they keep saying lets go abroad. WHY OH WHY do we need to all go together, like, yes a nice meal or a party, but a whole holiday which would be around 25 people is just not fun. You want to go out for dinner? you have to find somewhere to accommodate everyone. My gran will insist everyone gets up at the same time and goes down to breakfast together when we might want a lie in. Everyone will be expected to get sun loungers around the pool together. If we said we were going off on our own for the day certain people would be offended and huffy that we didn't invite them. I feel absolutely suffocated by it!

I know some of this is my fault for being a people pleaser and going along with it for so long but I have also made my feelings very clear on multiple occasions and no one likes that opinion so they conveniently ignore it.

How do I escape this?

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 14/12/2023 15:15

How do you escape it? You book and go and don't tell them. Easy.

You're complaining that they are jemmying themselves into your holiday, but on the other hand you're telling them every detail about it. Just...don't. Tell them when you get back, and show them the pictures.

TomatoSandwiches · 14/12/2023 15:17

Just don't tell people your plans and politely decline invitations to holidays abroad for BILs birthday.

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 15:19

ignoring the “people pleaser” comment 🤢

Why mention it if happens time and time again?

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 15:21

They got really offended and made out that I am horrible and have a problem with them so in the end I just said we aren't going.

seriously OP? woman up!

Original poster
TakeTheBiscuits · 14/12/2023 15:23

Oh I have learnt my lesson in telling them our plans. But its with everything! The other night I took my kids to see some Christmas lights on a house near ours, and then for a hot chocolate. Person A calls and I said really sorry I can't stop to chat I'm trying to get the kids out to do the above. We get to this street and they were there waiting for us!!!!

I won't be sharing details of our plans any more.

I am just dreading booking this trip and coming back to their sad mopey faces because they didn't get an invite.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 14/12/2023 15:25

You put them on an information diet.

Next time you just book your holiday without discussing with them. When you get back, you can share as much as you like about how great it was, but not a peep before.

For BILs birthday be chronically unavailable until he gives up and books without you.

escapethemaze · 14/12/2023 15:27

Oh I have learnt my lesson in telling them our plans

Well clearly you haven’t

Olika · 14/12/2023 15:29

Just book and do your family thing. And just say you won't be joining if they keep going on about going abroad for BIL. I couldn't be bothered with all that drama caused by them and just not tell them anything.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2023 15:36

You care way too much about "offending" these people. If they can't understand why you want to spend time with just your husband and kids, they're just thick and can't be reasoned with.

Stop telling them anything.

Mochudubh · 15/12/2023 12:51

Start being flakey

Tell them you're going to see the (non-existant) lights in Acacia Avenue then go see the real ones in Ashley Avenue. When the complain you say, "Oh yeah, I got the wrong address, luckily I checked FB again before we left "(tinkly laugh).

"Yeah I know I said we were going to Inflatabounce at the weekend but Tarquin had a dicky tummy so we went to the cinema instead".

"Yeah, we were going to Santaland on Saturday afternoon but I forgot Demelza has gymnastics then so we went in the morning instead"

Etc, etc.

BohemondofAntioch · 15/12/2023 13:29

Send them a "cease and desist" letter from your solicitor.

Then, if necessary, get them under the stalking legislation.

NancyJoan · 15/12/2023 13:52

Oh I have learnt my lesson in telling them our plans. But its with everything! The other night I took my kids to see some Christmas lights on a house near ours, and then for a hot chocolate. Person A calls and I said really sorry I can't stop to chat I'm trying to get the kids out to do the above. We get to this street and they were there waiting for us!!!!

This is absolutely mad. Short of never ever speaking to them again, you will never be able to avoid dropping nuggets of information that allow them to appear!

escapethemaze · 15/12/2023 13:57

BohemondofAntioch · 15/12/2023 13:29

Send them a "cease and desist" letter from your solicitor.

Then, if necessary, get them under the stalking legislation.

what a peculiar poster

escapethemaze · 15/12/2023 14:01

or…. don’t lie.

”love doing stuff with others occasionally but definitely need some ie family times just us, so it’ll be just us going”

and no need to broadcast your plans or update social media if you’re that way inclined

Vinrouge4 · 15/12/2023 14:16

You are not responsible for your relatives’ happiness. Just concentrate on your family. Tough luck if they don’t like it.

Coffeeismyfriend1 · 16/12/2023 06:38

That sounds very intense! Can they not plan their own lives and use you as a planning service? Just stop telling them, if they ask where you are going say ‘not sure yet’.

I wouldn’t want loads of people joining us all the time on holidays/days out either. DS has ASD and ADHD so we need to be able to meet his needs and when other people are there it’s so much harder. It’s also challenging as he has sensory issues around food so trying to choose somewhere that is ‘safe’ for him to eat when others are around isn’t easy. Balancing the needs of 25 people for a week is chaos!

I like spending time with my DH and kids and don’t feel I need others kids around to help entertain them all the time, is that the issue with the other families? They want your DCs to entertain theirs?

Newmum288 · 16/12/2023 07:09

I think all you can do is not tell them your plans. No need to lie or hide, just don’t offer something up like a holiday plan. It’s annoying but seems like not much else you can do. If you do mention a plan then you’re just going to have to make absolutely clear that it is your own family time and if they take offence at that, then that’s very much unusual and their problem, not yours!

Also not sure what ‘escapethemaze’ is on, just ignore her

navigatingmy20s · 16/12/2023 07:14

My in-laws are like this 😂 Every time we book a holiday or little get away they always hijack!!

We are actually going to Gran Canaria tomorrow for Christmas and luckily this one was too expensive for everyone to else to jump on it.

They did try to book for 5 nights still though but their plan fell through - PHEW 😆

willowstar · 16/12/2023 07:17

There is another side to this ... You have a family that wants to spend time with you and your family. I get that it might feel really intense, but my family all choose to live on two different continents to this one and we see by sibling every few years and my mum every couple of years. There is never anyone else at my children's Christmas shows, music recitals, here for Christmas day, birthday meals....nothing. my children crave time with family. I think we always think the grass is greener on the other side, but to me, having family who wanted to see my children and be part of their lives, sounds wonderful. Sorry that isn't helpful in helping you deal with this but just thought it worth pointing out that it isn't all bad.

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 08:49

willowstar · 16/12/2023 07:17

There is another side to this ... You have a family that wants to spend time with you and your family. I get that it might feel really intense, but my family all choose to live on two different continents to this one and we see by sibling every few years and my mum every couple of years. There is never anyone else at my children's Christmas shows, music recitals, here for Christmas day, birthday meals....nothing. my children crave time with family. I think we always think the grass is greener on the other side, but to me, having family who wanted to see my children and be part of their lives, sounds wonderful. Sorry that isn't helpful in helping you deal with this but just thought it worth pointing out that it isn't all bad.

did you read their reactions? they made out the OP was “horrible” they “got offended” they got “huffy” the made both the Op has a “problem”

Sound like a close loving family to you?

strawberry2017 · 16/12/2023 08:53

Wow that sounds intense. Is it your family or his?

Dinnertimewoop · 16/12/2023 09:04

I'm in a similar situation OP especially re family holidays. An 18th, a 50th and a 60th next year, THREE family holidays have been suggested. I want to book a cruise just with DH. I can't do all of that and selfishly the cruise tops everyone's birthdays (to me). If I mention sorry we have already booked a cruise, they'll all pile on! Everything's always a song and dance, never just an evening birthday meal.

I think its lovely having a village around your children. However, if you have more than one child, a lot of the time, they're quite happy to play with siblings at home and don't crave those other relationships much.

I'd just book things and not tell them. It's the only option. It's hard though, especially if you see them a lot and they ask what you're up to.

CaramelMac · 16/12/2023 10:09

My in laws are like this, they tried to follow us on holiday to Cornwall, a notoriously hilly village where everything is a long walk and there’s only one small hospital for the whole county, when MIL has a habit of falling and breaking bones 🙄 I had to be quite forceful and say they shouldn’t come and we wouldn’t be hanging around with 2 small children waiting for them to hobble uphill if they did.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/12/2023 10:15

mentioned it in passing to a relative and they were like "great, when are you going. I'll book the time off from work"

You needed to say something then! Sounds like you said nothing and they assumed their plan of coming along was fine with you.

seagulldown · 16/12/2023 10:23

I
Hi
I
Iu

Swipe left for the next trending thread