Family members wanting to do everything together

[TakeTheBiscuits]

I want to book a break to a popular UK destination. I mentioned it in passing to a relative and they were like "great, when are you going. I'll book the time off from work"
Then half an hour later I get a text from another relative saying that beccy had called to say we were going away to x and they were so excited! What are the dates etc. We will book too!!!!

So I created a group chat between the 3 of us to say I think they might have got the wrong end of the stick, me and my husband/kids will be going, but would prefer it to just be us.
We desperately need some time as a family and every time we try to plan something everyone else wants to join in. Its not fun. There are too many people there to please everyone and it descends very quickly into chaos every time. But time and time again they want us to do everything together. I don't understand the obsession, like yes, lets do some thing things together, like a nice meal or a walk but not everything!
They got really offended and made out that I am horrible and have a problem with them so in the end I just said we aren't going. I can't be bothered to argue over something that was supposed to be a treat.

I am now thinking that I just book it and not tell them. I will put my phone on do not disturb whilst we are there and enjoy my time with my family in peace. That's all I want, to spend a bit of quality time, just the 4 of us, having fun, enjoying one another's company and being a family.

Its BIL's 50th in 18 months and they keep saying lets go abroad. WHY OH WHY do we need to all go together, like, yes a nice meal or a party, but a whole holiday which would be around 25 people is just not fun. You want to go out for dinner? you have to find somewhere to accommodate everyone. My gran will insist everyone gets up at the same time and goes down to breakfast together when we might want a lie in. Everyone will be expected to get sun loungers around the pool together. If we said we were going off on our own for the day certain people would be offended and huffy that we didn't invite them. I feel absolutely suffocated by it!

I know some of this is my fault for being a people pleaser and going along with it for so long but I have also made my feelings very clear on multiple occasions and no one likes that opinion so they conveniently ignore it.

How do I escape this?

I am an only child so grew up being used to spending time on my own and am happy to do so. My husband's family is quite large and they love nothing better than a big old get together, which is fine for a meal or evening out but they also love a huge family holiday which I find just " too peopley" I have learnt to compromise so we will go on a joint holiday sometimes but at a slightly different time, so join them for a couple of days ( staying in separate accommodation) and then have a few days on our own when they have gone home . I have been honest with my partner if I just can't face something and occasionally he will go on his own either them which suits all of us.

Same here being an only child and my other half has a big family , i can't stand going to their get together's myself .

They have a 2 week holiday in March to Spain plus a weekend in November in the UK as a whole family group , 26+ most times , it's just not for me at all .

Been on one weekend and suffered it but the second time I just hid in our room most of the first evening when the rest were all together , went home the next morning after the other half said "what do you want to do today" !

I still find it odd that they all get on and want to do these joint holidays every year

maybe your intentions of just going as a family of four are not clear enough, because you’re telling them of plans in advance. To many, that would seem like an invitation or a suggestion. ‘Oh thanks for sharing that idea, my kids would like that too.’ Perhaps, this is why they’re offended. It’s like you’re inviting them and then uninviting them?

if you have a pattern of doing things as a family of four, it may become an expectation for everyone else, that you do your own thing.

My MIL who I don't get on with always wants to go on holiday with us. I just say "oh yeah maybe" and then don't tell her about our holiday plans until it's over.

I don't really understand why this is an issue? Just don't mention it to your relatives if they do this and you don't want them to come

We have this with my in-laws and they are sooo boring and moany. We had times where my husband and I (bf at the time) had to sneak out to be able to enjoy one to one quality time together and then on return told we were rude for not inviting them!!

So we simply stopped telling them and mention it off handedly after it was all booked. I think they get the message now. I cannot go on holiday with them! It's your money and time to spend how you like to!

Good luck, stick to your guns and they'll have to get over it!

It depends though on the family. My in laws are nice people but so negative, weird about food, don't respect our boundaries and oh so boring (would happily sit on silence) so why would we put ourselves out to people like that?

I would book a trip and just not share the information. You and your family deserve a trip on your own. For future trips I would say loud and clear that this one is just for "our family" and we'll get together with everyone soon. You need to learn to say no and mean it. Curious how your hubby feels about this. Can he intervene with his family?

maybe your intentions of just going as a family of four are not clear enough, because you’re telling them of plans in advance. To many, that would seem like an invitation or a suggestion. ‘Oh thanks for sharing that idea, my kids would like that too.’ Perhaps, this is why they’re offended. It’s like you’re inviting them and then uninviting them?

Really? Are you honestly saying no one should ever mention holiday plans to a family member or friend just in case they see it as an invitation? That seems bizarre to me.

Surely if OP had been thinking of it as a potential joint holiday she could have said “We’re looking at going to Fuengirola next March; would you fancy booking the same week?”? I can’t imagine assuming the very mention of a holiday is an implied invitation.

I can empathise OP. My DH's family are a bit like this. Everyone has to know everbody else's business in minute detail and it does my head in as my family are so different!
The one day we spend with his whole family over Christmas is bad enough, with my SIL acting like she's directing the next John Lewis Christmas advert and posing us artistically for pictures. But a whole holiday...I think I would go mad.
Fortunately my husband doesn't like the idea any more than I do so to date we have avoided any family holidays with his side. I suspect we may have to give in next year though as last year we went away with my siblings and their children so it is going to be difficult to make excuses. The difference is that with my family we were basically staying in the same place and sometimes we did stuff together, other times we didn't, it was all very relaxed. And it was spontaneous - my brother had a holiday booked but there was some kind of a problem with the villa they had booked and they were upgraded to a massive one. So he rang us up, asked if we wanted to go and with a quick trip to the Easyjet website it was sorted, no stress. With my ILs, my SIL and MIL will both be continually trying to micromanage everything and failure to comply will result in huge sulks. I foresee a daily itinerary and cooking rota arriving months in advance, along with endless arguments. I'm dreading it but we've kind of painted ourselves into a corner as our "we only holiday as a nuclear family" excuse is now out of the window.
So no useful advice sorry, but lots of sympathy.

I have learned to move in silence regarding a lot of things if I want peace, I do my thing with my partner and kids and then if the subject arises I just say yeah it was great to spend some quality time together. Set boundaries and you will be far happier, whatever my goals are I keep them quiet because there’s so many people out there to try and pull you down because of jealousy etc and you just need to learn it’s your life and you need to live it for you not to please others. I’ve so many plans for 2024 and the only people that know about them are the people who will be there or the people helping me to reach my goals.

I’m not really sure what advice you’re looking for, beyond not telling them what you’re doing.

This is nothing to do with ‘people pleasing’. Just don’t tell them, and then you don’t have to anger or disappoint them.

There is no other advice we can give you, as any other advice would involve continuing as you’re doing - which is always telling them your movements, and then asking them not to join you. Which as a ‘people pleaser’ you would clearly never be able to do.

Just stop telling them.

And if you’re rushing out the house to said event, make up a white lie! You won’t go to Hell for it, I promise.

I like this response

This is why I’m going to be cooking for 15 people on Boxing Day. It’s my bloke who can’t say no.

Why isn't he cooking then @BIossomtoes ?

The issue isn’t the cooking, it’s his inability to say no to anyone.

Had to contend this myself op you just have to go ahead and book and keep quiet about it. Some people unfortunately can not take the hint!

Just don’t tell them. My family holiday plans are nothing to do with anyone other than me, my partner and child. I doubt my extended family have the faintest idea where we’ve ever been on holiday.