Family members wanting to do everything together

[TakeTheBiscuits]

I want to book a break to a popular UK destination. I mentioned it in passing to a relative and they were like "great, when are you going. I'll book the time off from work"
Then half an hour later I get a text from another relative saying that beccy had called to say we were going away to x and they were so excited! What are the dates etc. We will book too!!!!

So I created a group chat between the 3 of us to say I think they might have got the wrong end of the stick, me and my husband/kids will be going, but would prefer it to just be us.
We desperately need some time as a family and every time we try to plan something everyone else wants to join in. Its not fun. There are too many people there to please everyone and it descends very quickly into chaos every time. But time and time again they want us to do everything together. I don't understand the obsession, like yes, lets do some thing things together, like a nice meal or a walk but not everything!
They got really offended and made out that I am horrible and have a problem with them so in the end I just said we aren't going. I can't be bothered to argue over something that was supposed to be a treat.

I am now thinking that I just book it and not tell them. I will put my phone on do not disturb whilst we are there and enjoy my time with my family in peace. That's all I want, to spend a bit of quality time, just the 4 of us, having fun, enjoying one another's company and being a family.

Its BIL's 50th in 18 months and they keep saying lets go abroad. WHY OH WHY do we need to all go together, like, yes a nice meal or a party, but a whole holiday which would be around 25 people is just not fun. You want to go out for dinner? you have to find somewhere to accommodate everyone. My gran will insist everyone gets up at the same time and goes down to breakfast together when we might want a lie in. Everyone will be expected to get sun loungers around the pool together. If we said we were going off on our own for the day certain people would be offended and huffy that we didn't invite them. I feel absolutely suffocated by it!

I know some of this is my fault for being a people pleaser and going along with it for so long but I have also made my feelings very clear on multiple occasions and no one likes that opinion so they conveniently ignore it.

How do I escape this?

I can imagine how exhausting that would be. I think honesty is best policy. ‘We are going away as a family of 4 because we need some time together, just us’ would surely be understood even if the others are inititally a bit huffy about it!

I am almost the opposite as it’s just me and my daughter and we do lots together but sometimes it’s nice to spend time with others. I felt hurt when my family members moved away as we used to see them regularly, I think they maybe found it a burden. I think I ask people (family/friends) to come and do things with us and if they are busy they sometimes just don’t reply. I don’t take offence and similarly I don't give up asking altogether - it’s important to be a bit thick-skinned. I understand we all have busy lives and sometimes things work out as a larger group and sometimes they don’t. It’s basic playground politics isn’t it - related to families!

I am just dreading booking this trip and coming back to their sad mopey faces because they didn't get an invite.

Unfortunately I think that’s what it will take to start getting the message through. They will undoubtedly complain and act hurt, but there’s nothing you can do about that - you’ll just have to ride it out.

I think that, like a lot of posters on here, you are looking for a perfect “Option C” - one where you get what you want, but no one else is unhappy. There isn’t one, I’m afraid. Your options are A) Accept that this is what they’re like and resign yourself to big shared holidays or B) Just start booking and going without telling them, accepting that a lot of whining is coming your way - but NOT giving in. They will have to learn to accept that you’re not going to book joint holidays once you actually demonstrate it, even if they don’t like it.

You are not wrong, OP, but just stop telling people stuff! Keep your plans to yourself, book what you like and, if all else fails, Just Say No.

Tell them you are going on X dates and then go the week before or after .

They might , just might , get the hint then

Surely it’s more peculiar not to see that this is tongue in cheek?

Are you a seagull?

Just stop blabbing your business OP. Say ‘I don’t know’ a lot, change the subject. People pleasing is not a good character trait.

I get what you mean. Just say you can’t afford it. We keep trying to go on holiday and family keep barging in. We’ve now done a holiday with each side of our family but now my dad wants to go with us again to Florida. He was very bossy last time and spoilt it. We will not be going with him. I’m thinking that the way we do it, is keep it a secret when we book and say we’ve booked it last minute.

the trouble is, if you keep it a secret and go, they’ll find out anyway which is worse. Just tell them later on you forgot to cancel and then it was too late without incurring a charge so you’re having to go. Then next time just don’t say a word.

I feel this so much. My dh is a blabbermouth and has told sil about an event we are going to with the kids. What inevitably happens is they turn up late and then want to do everything according to their own schedule but that doesn't work for us as our kids are younger. That means we end up with overtired kids and it's fun for absolutely no-one. We used to do cinema trips for the kids but they'd turn up late everytime, even when we went to pick nephew up. It's not that they can't be on time, they manage when they want but because it's family isn't no big deal apparently.

Get used to having mundane small talk with them and don't tell them about occasions where you wouldn't be happy for them to join you.

you w not been on mumsnet long enough to know that not always best to give benefit of doubt!

True 😂

You’ve not crossed over to the other side yet, OP, that’s all.

You have to make a conscious decision that you have to be strategic about the sharing of information. It means accepting that you’re not one big unit; that you’re not fully available for all reasons to all people; that actually you’re a subset of 4 people who want to be separate from the others for certain things.

It’s a big thing if you’re the outlier, but obviously this is what you need to do to achieve the kind of separation you want. You’ll have to be selective about what you say, to whom, about what. It will put distance between you - but that’s what you want.

Sounds like my family, they turn up for everything uninvited and if I don’t tell them our plans for things such as Halloween, bonfire night etc they’ll turn up at our home expecting to join in.
For the big family abroad holiday, I’d just say it doesn’t fit into your budget for that year.
I’d definitely avoid telling them any plans, maybe they’ll get the hint.
It’s tough, for every person that has an overbearing family there is a person wishing their family to be more involved.

both my sons are ND and honestly I am happy on holiday to go somewhere all inclusive where there is always stuff they will eat and I DO NOT CARE about them eating the same stuff for every meal etc but the insistence from family members about “going somewhere nice” / “making” them, yes that word is used, eat something different etc I only do holidays just us now as it is meant to be a holiday for all of us and the parts of their ND which are challenging and hard work are not things they choose and are hard work for them too so I don’t want them to be miserable on holiday. But extended families just do. Not. Get. It.

🤣

Just be firm with them, like toddlers they may tantrum initially but will eventually get the message and get over it.

When BIL's birthday holiday invites go out just say 'How amazing! You'll have a lovely time. We won't be joining this time but can't wait to see the pictures'.

Stand firm with your holiday plans (avoid telling them things in advance where possible).

Also, worth remembering you don't HAVE to answer your phone everytime it rings. If you're trying to get the kids out the door to an event, why answer the phone at all?Let them leave a message if it's urgent or call them back for a chat later.

My DH, my DC and I always go away together. The thought of relatives coming on holiday with us is horrific.

Providing you make it clear that’s what you want it soon turns into a non event and is never mentioned again.

I doubt my most of my relatives even know where we’ve been on holiday. I literally never mention it to them.

That's tough because you'll constantly have to watch what you tell people

I wouldn't engage with these people so often if I were you, don't tell them what you're doing and remember to say no to stuff more often, practice on small stuff then it'll be easier for bigger things

Also you may want to ask mumsnet to edit your post as there's a name in it

If I was rushing getting ready to go out I'd not even answer the phone, and that's without having stalky relatives. Let it ring!

Oh, God! The Christmas lights thing would be the last straw for me! Utterly ridiculous. I cannot stand these clannish families. Suffocates me.
I can only suggest that you do what other posters have said and severLy reduce the info you give them.
you will have to put your foot down and keep repeating NO to their OTT get togethers. And how lacking in emotional intelligence not to realise that we are not all the same and sometimes people need some privacy. You don’t invite yourself on other people’s holidays for god’s sake.

I am a big fan of not picking up the phone if I don’t want to speak to the caller. Why do people grab their phone as if the caller knows exactly what you are doing??

"They got really offended and made out that I am horrible and have a problem with them so in the end I just said we aren't going."
So what if they get offended? What's the worst that can happen? They sulk, they refuse to talk to you? Personally, that sounds like a win!

I would consider being as blunt as possible with them. "Yes, I do have a problem with you, you are totally suffocating and never listen. When I say I am doing something, it is NOT an invitation for you to join me - find your own amusements and stop riding my coat-tails!

"I know some of this is my fault for being a people pleaser and going along with it for so long but I have also made my feelings very clear on multiple occasions and no one likes that opinion so they conveniently ignore it."
On the plus side, you recognise the roots of the problem - 1. people-pleasing and 2. their habit. You can work on both. Practically, just stop telling them anything. Nothing about what you're doing, nothing about what you're thinking about. Keep it to the level of 'I had sandwiches for lunch'. Never talk about the present or future, only ever about the past.

And again, consider being as blunt as possible with them. To the point of rudeness. Beyond the point of rudeness. You need to behave VERY differently with them. As the saying goes, 'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'. You've always cared about not offending them. I'm not saying you should set out to offend the (although ... ) but you should certainly stop caring if they choose to take offence. Practice shrugging and walking away.

Quite easy not to mention anything about anything and just do as you please. If it always happens and you crave alone time with the family, don’t tell them.

My family were the complete opposite of yours Op, they didn't even much care for unexpected visitors never mind forced famly gatherings. I'm always baffled by the number of people who can't go a day without telling their family every little thing and group holidays are my idea of hell. You need to stop committing anything to social media or telling people your plans in advance, just ask yourself Do I want anyone to join this, if the answer's no then don't tell people.
I'd say it's nice that your family want to see you so much but if you don't enjoy it then don't go with it