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Original poster

Do you ever look back and regret how you treated someone?

57 replies

Veggietartlet · 14/12/2023 14:04

I was thinking the other day - I can name three situations where I didn't treat people as well as I'd have liked to. All over 20 years ago. Probably countless more times that I'm not aware of, but three specific occasions that I'd dearly love to go back change if I could.

Some of it comes from being older I suppose, and understanding now how my behaviour would have impacted on someone. They feel like opportunities where I could have made a positive difference in someone's life but in fact I probably did the opposite.

One example was a member of my team in a job years ago, who was in a role that she wasn't suited to and she underperformed. I tried to be supportive but she nevertheless really struggled and it affected her confidence, She was very shy. I wish now I'd done more to help to develop her skills and make her feel supported.

Nothing I can do now I suppose other than try to be decent to people generally and to be fair most of them were down to my lack of experience as a manager. But still. It's a regret. Does anyone else have these sorts of regrets?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 14/12/2023 14:07

Yes of course...I've not done anything terrible to anyone but I can definitely remember times I could have been more supportive or helpful or just kept in touch more. It's a good thing to recognise...shows you are growing and improving as a person

lunaticfringer · 14/12/2023 14:14

I don't really. And that's not because I'm amazing and unselfish and wonderful. It's because I do put myself first when I need to and as a result I don't get worn down and overwhelmed.

I've never been knowingly cruel or unkind. But I'm not endlessly available either.

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 15:13

I've had the opposite, I've been too nice to people and been burned that way. I am not 'nice' any more.

KEG05 · 14/12/2023 15:16

Not really. Maybe some minor regrets but none I can really think of. I’m definitely in the camp of regretting how I’ve let other people treat me at points over the years though and not standing up for myself.

BetteDavisChin · 14/12/2023 15:18

Yes.

MrsNandortheRelentless · 14/12/2023 15:32

Yes.
At work.
Extremely high pressured, high stakes, highly stressful job.
New starters who to my mind had little appreciation or sense of urgency, did not try to keep up or just didn’t want to learn.
On many occasions I’m afraid that I had nothing for them so carried on getting the job done.

I wish I hadn’t been so consumed and single minded in surviving my shifts and keeping up the pace not dropping the ball. I wish I had taken the time more to give a little more to those people.

I often think about that.

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 15:36

MrsNandortheRelentless · 14/12/2023 15:32

Yes.
At work.
Extremely high pressured, high stakes, highly stressful job.
New starters who to my mind had little appreciation or sense of urgency, did not try to keep up or just didn’t want to learn.
On many occasions I’m afraid that I had nothing for them so carried on getting the job done.

I wish I hadn’t been so consumed and single minded in surviving my shifts and keeping up the pace not dropping the ball. I wish I had taken the time more to give a little more to those people.

I often think about that.

I don't think you should give yourself a hard time about that. Unless it was the sort of environment where mentoring was common, and you just didn't do that, the newbies would have shaped up or shipped out. Not every job is for every person, and it wasn't your job to hold their hand.

DrCoconut · 14/12/2023 15:38

One, yes. possibly the "one that got away" with hindsight.

OnlytheonceZ · 14/12/2023 15:39

Yes when I was 16 and had a bf who dumped me I concocted a panicked plan with my the best friend to lie that I had a serious illness except best friends mum was a headteacher and found out and told her best friend was also a headteacher ….. I got in loads of trouble at the time.

15 years later my dc started school and the HT was best friends mums best friend - she remembered me and when my dc was genuinely unwell with a lifelong issue she called in SS as thought I had munchausens. So I regretted my actions as a teen and treating someone badly (but there was a lot more to it and difficult circumstances for me at home)

MrsNandortheRelentless · 14/12/2023 15:41

I was probably not very friendly about it though.

I did try very hard to engage, explain and explore their interests and thoughts around the job, if it was clear they had no interest or were there for an easy ride, I switched off and would not invest anything further in them.

I wish I had been a little more smiley and patient with them.

i did literally fight to survive minute by minute of them shifts though.

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 15:45

MrsNandortheRelentless · 14/12/2023 15:41

I was probably not very friendly about it though.

I did try very hard to engage, explain and explore their interests and thoughts around the job, if it was clear they had no interest or were there for an easy ride, I switched off and would not invest anything further in them.

I wish I had been a little more smiley and patient with them.

i did literally fight to survive minute by minute of them shifts though.

I still don't think you did anything wrong. I would always rather have someone be honest with me, not 'smiley and patient'. That said, it sounds as if your entire workplace was a pressure cooker, and that you were yourself not getting sufficient support.

RichTea63 · 14/12/2023 15:49

Yes...my 'one that got away too'. I was just out of my teens and treated this lovely guy appallingly, and to this day I still don't really know why. Even though both of us are happily married to other people and in our 40's now, I still think about it a lot, and wish I could go back in time and do things differently.

Aroundthewaygirl · 14/12/2023 15:53

Yes, there are a few people I wish I had been nicer to.

HotGirlInHell · 14/12/2023 15:59

I regret putting someone on a pedestal so thoroughly that I ruined the job that I loved, and essentially handed it all to them instead. Leaving me nothing but to walk away.

ReadySalty · 14/12/2023 16:02

Yes, I have apologised.

KohlaParasaurus · 14/12/2023 16:04

Yes, there are lots of occasions that I look back at and think, "I should have been a better person."

AuroraForever · 14/12/2023 16:06

Yes. I often think about them and wish I could turn back time to have the chance to apologise for what I said or stop myself from saying it in the first place.

MrsNandortheRelentless · 14/12/2023 16:07

Pressure cooker it was.

peer to peer support was in abundance.

We all start somewhere. I recall how mesmerised and utterly utterly fascinating I found the job when I started. I hung on every word, absorbed every second and did everything I could to learn the ropes quickly.

Rarely did I come across anyone who matched that energy and thirst.

VanityDiesHard · 14/12/2023 16:10

MrsNandortheRelentless · 14/12/2023 16:07

Pressure cooker it was.

peer to peer support was in abundance.

We all start somewhere. I recall how mesmerised and utterly utterly fascinating I found the job when I started. I hung on every word, absorbed every second and did everything I could to learn the ropes quickly.

Rarely did I come across anyone who matched that energy and thirst.

Out of interest, what field were you in? Or would that be too outing for you to say?

Whiskerson · 14/12/2023 16:10

All the time! I love all these that are like "this one time, I didn't bend over backwards to help someone do their own job"... I wouldn't even think about that, I'm of the "shape up, ask for help or ship out" mentality. I wouldn't even think of that kind of thing in response to this question.

I've been thoughtless and cold enough in many other tiny ways over the course of my adult life's and outright cruel as a child or teen. Haven't we all?!

BlockadeRunner · 14/12/2023 16:14

Yes and in two cases I apologised profusely.

One was very forgiving and a much better person than I or most other people and the other I left the ball in their court which they never picked back up.

Curlywurlycaz2 · 14/12/2023 16:16

Yeh, my sister died in 2020 and knowing what I know now I would've made more effort and spent more time with her in the years before she got ill.

I am also doing a lot of reflection after my marriage ended earlier this year. There are two sides to every failing relationship. My ex was emotionally unavailable and had the emotional intelligence of a soggy piece of brocoli. But I was also really shit at understanding and communicating my own needs. I expected more from him than anyone should from a partner and by the end was probably an absolute cow to live with. It probably wouldn't have saved our relationship, but there is A LOT I would've done differently in my marriage. Like never entering into it TBH.

Cheepcheepcheep · 14/12/2023 16:18

I went out with a friend’s ex in secret when I was 18. We’d all been friends as a 3 but they split (they were teenage sweethearts) and we all ‘stayed friends’. He and I hooked up fairly soon after and kept it from her. I really didn’t treat her like a friend and she was a lovely person and didn’t deserve it.

Not that it’s any defence but we did fall in love and wound up being together for 3 years before he did something very similar to me. I was also in the full throes of first love and was acting like a complete idiot. Classic, really. My punishment was wasting my uni years on him when I should have been developing me.

I think we vaguely spoke after he and I split and she said it was water under the bridge, but it was a properly shit thing to do and 16 years later, even though she and I are both married (to much better men, I assume) with kids and we don’t talk any more, I think she’d be surprised to know I still think about how I treated her with regret.

Marmiteidea · 14/12/2023 16:22

Yes I’ve been a stupid dick and I’ve regretted it. A few times come to mind. I carry the warranted guilt and shame from those experiences.

In general though I have huge patience with other people’s dickheadery, I give a person tonnes and tonnes of chances but then I just give up. It catches people, including me, completely off guard because normally I’m really understanding, empathetic and a good listener, I absorb the bullshit behaviour but then eventually it is like you’ve hit my last straw and snap and there is no going back. Not my best trait.

DCINightingale · 14/12/2023 16:23

Yes. 2 occasions 20 years ago at college. I was a dick and should have known better. I think about it regularly, I'd love to apologise but figure that the people involved probably would rather not hark back to those times of unhappiness just to enable me to ease my conscience.