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Original poster

Do you ever look back and regret how you treated someone?

57 replies

Veggietartlet · 14/12/2023 14:04

I was thinking the other day - I can name three situations where I didn't treat people as well as I'd have liked to. All over 20 years ago. Probably countless more times that I'm not aware of, but three specific occasions that I'd dearly love to go back change if I could.

Some of it comes from being older I suppose, and understanding now how my behaviour would have impacted on someone. They feel like opportunities where I could have made a positive difference in someone's life but in fact I probably did the opposite.

One example was a member of my team in a job years ago, who was in a role that she wasn't suited to and she underperformed. I tried to be supportive but she nevertheless really struggled and it affected her confidence, She was very shy. I wish now I'd done more to help to develop her skills and make her feel supported.

Nothing I can do now I suppose other than try to be decent to people generally and to be fair most of them were down to my lack of experience as a manager. But still. It's a regret. Does anyone else have these sorts of regrets?

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 14/12/2023 16:25

I regret having given too much, been too patient etc and then they forgot I existed

I posted on here last year about returning from a work event where a couple of people got very emotional - not drunk! but it was a high emotion event as it was a "celebrate success" type thing - and two people said "I would not have achieved x if not for Emma's support and encouragement".

It left me wondering how my career could have been better if I had focussed on myself more.

In personal terms, I have given way too much support to friends and am now totally disillusioned.

PaulaPocket · 14/12/2023 16:26

I remember lots and lots. I think it's called ruminating? I met someone the other day that I hadn't seen for 20 years, I was visiting my home town. We went for a coffee and I made myself be brave and tell her I was so sorry for a mean thing I had done to her. She gaped at me and said 'Paula, you were always lovely to me. What are you talking about?', I told her more detail, and she said she absolutely couldn't remember it. She laid her hand on mine. She said 'Even if it happened, we were all so young!' I had tears running down my face and I blubbed 'God bless you for being so kind!' She gave me a worried look.

Discwriter · 14/12/2023 16:28

Yes. When I was young, I was in a leadership position and was crippled by stress and anxiety and unintentionally harmed a lot of people. This came from a place of immaturity, and whilst I have made peace with it, I still very much regret my behaviour.

thatbigbear · 14/12/2023 16:38

I'm with @VanityDiesHard and @EmmaEmerald - I have given way too much, often to the wrong people and am probably a best-practice example of "no good deed goes unpunished"! As a result I have been on the receiving end of some dreadfully cruel treatment over the years (not asking for pity, I'm just always amazed at how badly some people can treat others, with complete impunity). Many times I have also treated myself badly through looking out for others instead of looking after me. I am trying to train myself out of both things!

DeloresKstaples · 14/12/2023 16:40

Currently I'm treated very badly by my loving friend.

LightDrizzle · 14/12/2023 16:43

Yes. I was a ghoster when it came to the being romantic relationships. It really fucked with two exes.

SirChenjins · 14/12/2023 16:45

Yes - and it makes me cringe. The folly of youth and all that.

Azman · 14/12/2023 16:46

yes it was very horrible

xogossipgirlxo · 14/12/2023 16:48

Yes. I should have treated some people with more kindness and respect.

FreshWinterMorning · 14/12/2023 16:48

No. I have always treated people well. Some people have treated ME like shit in the past though. I wonder if they regret how they treated me?!

Probably not.

.

Iloveabaileys · 14/12/2023 16:51

Yeah I do and it's normally near my monthly weirdly lol. I do sometimes feel bad even cringe but then those people didn't care how they made me feel or my reaction to their behaviour towards me . Takes alot for me to react back . I wish I had told them why though but I use to cover for other people for telling me things they've said and it just backfired. Now If I'm pissed off with something I will just tell them . So a lesson learned. Which is what it's all about really . We all make mistakes, hurt someone , and unless you laugh about it you can't be that bad as a person . (Hopefully as otherwise so am I lol)

SallyWD · 14/12/2023 16:51

Yes I do. I like to think I'm a nice person but looking back I did some pretty mean things as a teenager. Basically I had no self confidence at all. I was teased and bullied and I hated myself. I think I reacted to this by lashing out at a couple of friends of mine. Friends who were really lovely people and probably the only people I wasn't scared of or didn't feel they were better than me. So I said some mean and hurtful things on a few occasions. I deeply regret it.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 14/12/2023 16:53

Yes - I'm 36 and it's a first love one here too. I had unresolved issues/anger at men/my dad and I took a lot of stuff out on him. Looking back although physically and sexually I was an adult emotionally I hadn't grown up yet (made sense to me when I learnt our adult brains aren't fully developed until we are 25!) I am so much calmer these days and the things I struggled with back then wouldn't bother me now.

Also the way I handled break a couple of break ups, I could have been more gracious.

Those are the main ones I can think of in terms of how I treated people. Otherwise any regrets I have revolve around some more decisions/poor company kept when younger but I think they are all probably related to same underlying issue at the time. Once that was healed, life became so much calmer and nicer.

sonjadog · 14/12/2023 16:53

Yes, I think about this. When I was younger I could be sharp and sarcastic to keep people at a distance. I could have been gentler and more thoughtful.

Two in particular I have thought about was a very nice guy who had a crush on me when we were about 19/20. I wasn’t interested but I could have behaved with much more kindness than I did.

Second one was a man who I cared very much for but that I drove away with focusing on my own needs and not thinking about his. I deserved to be dumped, but it really hurt and was largely my own fault. I still wish it had turned out differently.

PaulaPocket · 14/12/2023 16:59

LightDrizzle · 14/12/2023 16:43

Yes. I was a ghoster when it came to the being romantic relationships. It really fucked with two exes.

I ghosted a guy I was shagging after (because!) he said that he loved me, when we were in bed. I didn't know what else to do. I do know he got over it though.

hellswelshy · 14/12/2023 17:00

Yes in a few relationships in my early 20s, although I was very young and had also been treated badly myself so was learning and growing. I didn't have the best role models for relationships growing up and it was a harsh learning curve. Luckily I grew up, changed my own behaviour, stopped letting others treat me badly and found dh. I do regret my actions but I don't believe in punishing myself ongoing forever.

Iloveabaileys · 14/12/2023 17:04

I've a bad habit of sometimes pushing people away , I've always got a wall up even years being with dh only way I think I can protect myself , you feel in control but in reality you have none really . I think alot of us are a product of our environment tbh it's not an excuse but there's a reason why we are all the way we are .

PaulaPocket · 14/12/2023 17:09

PaulaPocket · 14/12/2023 16:59

I ghosted a guy I was shagging after (because!) he said that he loved me, when we were in bed. I didn't know what else to do. I do know he got over it though.

Show quote history

I didn't say it back, and somehow got through breakfast at his the next morning, trying to be my normal breezy self, and that was it! It was before everyone had mobile phones. I still shudder when I think about it.

BreakfastAtMilliways · 14/12/2023 17:20

SallyWD · 14/12/2023 16:51

Yes I do. I like to think I'm a nice person but looking back I did some pretty mean things as a teenager. Basically I had no self confidence at all. I was teased and bullied and I hated myself. I think I reacted to this by lashing out at a couple of friends of mine. Friends who were really lovely people and probably the only people I wasn't scared of or didn't feel they were better than me. So I said some mean and hurtful things on a few occasions. I deeply regret it.

I feel a bit like this. I too was bullied a lot as a teenager and I ended up lashing out at several people, not least my BF at the time. I expected more from her than anyone can possibly manage. Although she was far from perfect herself and knew exactly how to wind me up. Six and half a dozen.

Blueeyedmale · 14/12/2023 17:25

Absolutely all the time,i was a nightmare In my teens and early 20,s my behaviour destroyed many relationships with some women that were way out of my league and deserved so much better.

Even family that have sadly passed I wish they could see who I am now and not the failure I was then.life can be tough but those who have people you love hold them close to you and be the best you can be.

ChanelNo19EDT · 14/12/2023 17:27

No, but I regret a lot of the crap I endured. A few times I've stood up for myself and ended up excluded. Feel like only high status people stand up for themselves and keep the friends.

JamSandle · 14/12/2023 17:28

Yes - definitely.

I've not always behaved well and I've hurt people (in relationships) but I've been hurt too so I forgive those who hurt me and I forgive myself.

Chocoswirl · 14/12/2023 17:32

Oh definitely. One big regret that led me to retrain in a different career and now I work to help people like the person I failed to help years ago.
(In all fairness to myself I did try my best to help them - but I didn’t know how to, and my best efforts were probably counterproductive.)

EmmaEmerald · 14/12/2023 17:35

Discwriter · 14/12/2023 16:28

Yes. When I was young, I was in a leadership position and was crippled by stress and anxiety and unintentionally harmed a lot of people. This came from a place of immaturity, and whilst I have made peace with it, I still very much regret my behaviour.

I'm curious, what would you say if you met one of those people?

In my 20s, a couple of these types tried to make a victim out of me. They failed because while I gave too much, I didn't take any crap.

But I still feel like I'd like to see these people suffer some consequences.

certainly if I saw them now, I'd have stuff I'd want to say! I can't really excuse "immaturity" in an adult.

Discwriter · 14/12/2023 17:39

@EmmaEmerald I am sorry for your experience. I would apologise if I saw them now. I'm sure I have suffered some consequences. With the best will in the world though, maturity didn't come automatically when I turned 18.