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Original poster

Will there always be ‘one more’ thing we want to do before having a baby?

62 replies

AutumnCandle · 14/12/2023 12:01

As title suggests.

We are TTC but every month I have a little niggle that, maybe we could do with another month’s worth of savings to make maternity leave easier. I earn 30k and my maternity package is ok but not the best - 10 weeks 90% pay, 20 weeks half pay and SMP and then SMP for 9 weeks. After 39wk it’s unpaid - so surely all the savings help. Maybe we could go on a few more date nights before pregnancy. Maybe we could book one last holiday and TTC after that.

The paradoxical part of this is that whenever I am not having these thoughts, DH and I are constantly talking about becoming parents and how excited we are to have a baby so it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t want to necessarily put off trying for too long because I think life is short and know it’s something we want. We’ve had a lot of reminders recently (ill health of my auntie) and just very aware that tomorrow isn’t promised for anyone as morbid as that sounds, so it’s important to do what you want! We also lost a pregnancy about a year ago so each day I think of that, too. Even if we delayed TTC babies would be on my mind every day.

Do we go for it? I’m not sure if the urge to do one more city break, have more saved etc would ever be satisfied even if we had visited all the cities in the world or had thousands of pounds in the bank just for that purpose of being a cushion for maternity leave.

Thanks x

OP posts:
FoxtrotSkarloey · 14/12/2023 12:04

Yep. There's never a good time, and there could always be one more holiday, evening in the pub, good night's sleep, cinema trip and so on.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 14/12/2023 12:07

Yes. There is never a good time.

Whataretheodds · 14/12/2023 12:11

Of course it makes sense. I'm 42, well-travelled, lots of life, but definitely feel I've not done enough. If biology had allowed us another 5 -10 years I'd have taken it.

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Pavane · 14/12/2023 12:12

Your call, obviously, but, since you ask, I think I found parenthood far easier because I had spent 20 years of adult life travelling and moving around the world, and focusing on work, and friendships and relationships, and putting myself in a position where I was senior enough to work very flexibly (as did DH) to make childcare easier.

I say postpone and live enough so that you are happy to take time away from doing stuff that is more difficult or impossible with a dependent child.

muddlingthrou · 14/12/2023 12:13

Go for it. You never know how long it'll take. And once the baby is there, it kicks off a new chapter of your life. Yes, you might wish you could drop everything and go on a city break, but there are other experiences that make up for your new responsibilities.

CrotchetyQuaver · 14/12/2023 12:13

Yes you just go for it, the sooner you start, the sooner you end up pregnant or (hopefully not) that one of you has issues and you're going to need a bit of help to get there.

AlltheFs · 14/12/2023 12:14

You can do all of those things whilst pregnant. You don’t have to sit in bed the minute you get a positive test.

itismytime · 14/12/2023 12:14

How old are you OP? That will likely make a difference

furtivetussling · 14/12/2023 12:14

Stop prevaricating and start procreating.
😂

Original poster
AutumnCandle · 14/12/2023 12:16

itismytime · 14/12/2023 12:14

How old are you OP? That will likely make a difference

Under 30 so time isn’t a massive pressure.

OP posts:
HappyAsASandboy · 14/12/2023 12:17

Depends how old you are and whether you have done a lot of city breaks/holidays/saving?

I suspect you're thinking of all these "pros" of not conceiving to protect yourself from the disappointment of not conceiving on any given month. Which is natural and normal and probably healthy. If you just let things happen naturally then each month you can either be pleased you're pregnant, or pleased you can fit in one more city break?!

Pavane · 14/12/2023 12:17

AutumnCandle · 14/12/2023 12:16

Under 30 so time isn’t a massive pressure.

Show quote history

I would absolutely postpone in your shoes. What's the rush?

If, on the other hand, you have nothing you would rather be doing, then go for it.

Watchingstick · 14/12/2023 12:20

There is never a good time and also, a lot of things like travelling, date nights, lie ins etc that are cons you will get back once they have left home/are older…there isn’t really much you can’t do with kids that you couldn’t do before, and the baby and toddler stage where you are a bit more tied down is only a tiny portion of the whole your life iyswim 🤷‍♀️

Mrsttcno1 · 14/12/2023 12:34

I honestly think it completely depends what you want more! My nanna has always said to us all that “if you wait for the perfect time to have kids, you’ll never end up having them”! We’re also in our 20’s, currently expecting our first baby, and we basically created a list of things we 100% wanted to do before we had a baby (things that just wouldn’t happen post-baby, like any party holidays, hiking trips abroad, travelling, as well as things like buying a house which would be harder to save for with a baby to pay for etc, getting married). Once all those things were done, we started trying! There’s still places we want to go and things we want to so but we can do those things as a family now, we just wanted to do all of the things pre-pregnancy that would be difficult while pregnant or with a newborn. We’ve also been to Paris and Barcelona while I’ve been pregnant for little “baby moons”, have weekly date nights etc! So maybe sit and have a think about if there are any things you want to do that a baby would prevent or complicate and tick those off first, or it may be that when you look at everything on your list you realise it’s just as doable with a baby. X

Original poster
AutumnCandle · 14/12/2023 12:46

Mrsttcno1 · 14/12/2023 12:34

I honestly think it completely depends what you want more! My nanna has always said to us all that “if you wait for the perfect time to have kids, you’ll never end up having them”! We’re also in our 20’s, currently expecting our first baby, and we basically created a list of things we 100% wanted to do before we had a baby (things that just wouldn’t happen post-baby, like any party holidays, hiking trips abroad, travelling, as well as things like buying a house which would be harder to save for with a baby to pay for etc, getting married). Once all those things were done, we started trying! There’s still places we want to go and things we want to so but we can do those things as a family now, we just wanted to do all of the things pre-pregnancy that would be difficult while pregnant or with a newborn. We’ve also been to Paris and Barcelona while I’ve been pregnant for little “baby moons”, have weekly date nights etc! So maybe sit and have a think about if there are any things you want to do that a baby would prevent or complicate and tick those off first, or it may be that when you look at everything on your list you realise it’s just as doable with a baby. X

Edited

Thank you for this positive comment!! Hope all goes well for you and congratulations x

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnCandle · 14/12/2023 13:43

HappyAsASandboy · 14/12/2023 12:17

Depends how old you are and whether you have done a lot of city breaks/holidays/saving?

I suspect you're thinking of all these "pros" of not conceiving to protect yourself from the disappointment of not conceiving on any given month. Which is natural and normal and probably healthy. If you just let things happen naturally then each month you can either be pleased you're pregnant, or pleased you can fit in one more city break?!

Thanks, you are probably spot on with this

OP posts:
Daisies12 · 14/12/2023 13:45

Yes that's totally normal. But you know life doesn't end if/when you have a baby? Yes it's different but you can still have holidays, see friends, etc, just involves a bit more planning,

RoseRows · 14/12/2023 14:01

Completely normal to feel this way, I did too. Life doesn’t end when you have children though, it’s just different. Agree with PP make a list of everything you want to do and tick off the ones that would be made significantly harder by a baby within an agreed time frame with your partner then cut your losses and try. It might take a little while to conceive anyway.

Original poster
AutumnCandle · 14/12/2023 14:19

Daisies12 · 14/12/2023 13:45

Yes that's totally normal. But you know life doesn't end if/when you have a baby? Yes it's different but you can still have holidays, see friends, etc, just involves a bit more planning,

That’s true, just told things are a lot harder and money is tighter but also know circumstances change

OP posts:
shivawn · 14/12/2023 14:27

Probably. It was the pandemic stretching on for years that finally pushed us to take the plunge because everything else on the to do list wasn't possible. I wish we'd done it years earlier now.

JamSandle · 14/12/2023 14:28

Absolutely! There's never a right time for anything - there will always be 'more' to tick off.

CloudPop · 14/12/2023 14:42

It wasn't an option for me, but in an ideal world I would have had my first one at around 30. I would have liked my children to have had more time with my parents when they were younger. Saying that - you are in no rush whatsoever- wait until it feels completely right.

BertieBotts · 14/12/2023 14:46

Yes I think there is always "one more thing".

But I think that can actually help. TTC doesn't always happen straight away. In fact you only have about a 20% chance of it happening any given month. So each month, have a "one more thing" goal. If it happens and you get pregnant, then yay! Exciting. If it doesn't happen and you don't get pregnant, then (smaller yay) you get to complete another "just one thing" goal.

If you feel like you're in exactly the right situation and you're totally ready and have been waiting all this time for it to happen NOW, then I think that anticipation can be deadly and set you up for a very big crash if you get the unlucky roll of the dice and it doesn't happen in the first couple of months. Having an "Oh well but at least..." really helps with that IME. The slight panic of "Oh but we haven't..." is quickly forgotten.

Original poster
AutumnCandle · 14/12/2023 15:12

BertieBotts · 14/12/2023 14:46

Yes I think there is always "one more thing".

But I think that can actually help. TTC doesn't always happen straight away. In fact you only have about a 20% chance of it happening any given month. So each month, have a "one more thing" goal. If it happens and you get pregnant, then yay! Exciting. If it doesn't happen and you don't get pregnant, then (smaller yay) you get to complete another "just one thing" goal.

If you feel like you're in exactly the right situation and you're totally ready and have been waiting all this time for it to happen NOW, then I think that anticipation can be deadly and set you up for a very big crash if you get the unlucky roll of the dice and it doesn't happen in the first couple of months. Having an "Oh well but at least..." really helps with that IME. The slight panic of "Oh but we haven't..." is quickly forgotten.

That’s actually a great way of looking at it!! Thanks.

OP posts:
GMsAWinner · 14/12/2023 15:13

Obviously finances change once you have a baby, but your priorities change in life - we found we were just as happy having a UK holiday as DD was excited about playing in the sand, visiting a park nearby etc. We were happy to go for a walk, pop into pub and have a bowlful of chips between us, as DD was looking forward to them and wanted her to be happy.

We've come out the other end now - DD is 22. Money pressures reduced as she got older, no childcare, easier to work, smaller mortgage etc, so we found we could have those city breaks - took DD with us and had a great time. When she was old enough, easy to leave her for a couple of hours and go out for a meal. We're lucky to be fit and healthy, but we can do everything now that we did before DD. She enriched our lives and wouldn't change a thing.

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