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Original poster

Will there always be ‘one more’ thing we want to do before having a baby?

62 replies

AutumnCandle · 14/12/2023 12:01

As title suggests.

We are TTC but every month I have a little niggle that, maybe we could do with another month’s worth of savings to make maternity leave easier. I earn 30k and my maternity package is ok but not the best - 10 weeks 90% pay, 20 weeks half pay and SMP and then SMP for 9 weeks. After 39wk it’s unpaid - so surely all the savings help. Maybe we could go on a few more date nights before pregnancy. Maybe we could book one last holiday and TTC after that.

The paradoxical part of this is that whenever I am not having these thoughts, DH and I are constantly talking about becoming parents and how excited we are to have a baby so it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t want to necessarily put off trying for too long because I think life is short and know it’s something we want. We’ve had a lot of reminders recently (ill health of my auntie) and just very aware that tomorrow isn’t promised for anyone as morbid as that sounds, so it’s important to do what you want! We also lost a pregnancy about a year ago so each day I think of that, too. Even if we delayed TTC babies would be on my mind every day.

Do we go for it? I’m not sure if the urge to do one more city break, have more saved etc would ever be satisfied even if we had visited all the cities in the world or had thousands of pounds in the bank just for that purpose of being a cushion for maternity leave.

Thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnCandle · 14/12/2023 15:33

GMsAWinner · 14/12/2023 15:13

Obviously finances change once you have a baby, but your priorities change in life - we found we were just as happy having a UK holiday as DD was excited about playing in the sand, visiting a park nearby etc. We were happy to go for a walk, pop into pub and have a bowlful of chips between us, as DD was looking forward to them and wanted her to be happy.

We've come out the other end now - DD is 22. Money pressures reduced as she got older, no childcare, easier to work, smaller mortgage etc, so we found we could have those city breaks - took DD with us and had a great time. When she was old enough, easy to leave her for a couple of hours and go out for a meal. We're lucky to be fit and healthy, but we can do everything now that we did before DD. She enriched our lives and wouldn't change a thing.

Thank you. Can I ask how old you were having your DD?

OP posts:
Constellationstation · 14/12/2023 15:39

I personally think you should wait until you’re 30 or over, save a bit and enjoy life! I was all ready to say that there’s never the right time and just to get on and do it, but that was before I found out you were under 30.
Not trying to state the obvious but having savings makes an absolute world of difference to alleviating some stress when you’ve had a baby.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 14/12/2023 15:42

If I were in my 20s and on 30k then I absolutely would wait and try and boost my career first. Is your husband a good earner? Of course having children isn’t just for the rich, but given the option I think it’s easier with money and sounds like time is on your side.

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Original poster
AutumnCandle · 14/12/2023 15:51

YaWeeFurryBastard · 14/12/2023 15:42

If I were in my 20s and on 30k then I absolutely would wait and try and boost my career first. Is your husband a good earner? Of course having children isn’t just for the rich, but given the option I think it’s easier with money and sounds like time is on your side.

He earns similarly to me, round here it’s normal wage.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 14/12/2023 15:54

Make sure your P understands his salary will be stretching further, and agree on who covers what for mat leave.

There are a lot of sad posts here on MN from women who are expected to continue paying half when their income has been reduced, and men frankly taking the piss, refusing to pay for any baby expenses, nursery fees, etc. Make sure you don't end up in the same position, going into debt because your partner turns out to be a knob.

And make it clear thst nursery drop off and pick up and sick baby / stay at home duty is equally shared.

Original poster
AutumnCandle · 14/12/2023 16:31

mathanxiety · 14/12/2023 15:54

Make sure your P understands his salary will be stretching further, and agree on who covers what for mat leave.

There are a lot of sad posts here on MN from women who are expected to continue paying half when their income has been reduced, and men frankly taking the piss, refusing to pay for any baby expenses, nursery fees, etc. Make sure you don't end up in the same position, going into debt because your partner turns out to be a knob.

And make it clear thst nursery drop off and pick up and sick baby / stay at home duty is equally shared.

Oh he knows! Tbh he does more housework, cooking, cleaning etc than I do and always has so I have no qualms about him doing his equal share. I know there are horror stories on here about some people’s husbands!

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnCandle · 14/12/2023 17:24

I think I am just worried about it which is silly as I know lots of one income families who don’t think twice about having a second and here I am worrying about affording one, when we have decent full time incomes and family support

OP posts:
DinosaurOfFire · 14/12/2023 17:38

It can be daunting but equally, the earlier you have your kids, the longer they get with you and, assuming your parents are around, their grandparents. I had my eldest when I was 27, and to me that felt close to the oldest I would have liked to be. My mum died in her 60s when my eldest was 7 and I am always thankful we didn't wait any longer as it meant she saw all 3 of my kids and they all met her and had her as a grandparent. I also agree with a PP that theres never a "perfect" time, there's only ever "now", "in the future" or "not at all", and only you and your partner know which one of those is right for you.

Original poster
AutumnCandle · 14/12/2023 17:48

DinosaurOfFire · 14/12/2023 17:38

It can be daunting but equally, the earlier you have your kids, the longer they get with you and, assuming your parents are around, their grandparents. I had my eldest when I was 27, and to me that felt close to the oldest I would have liked to be. My mum died in her 60s when my eldest was 7 and I am always thankful we didn't wait any longer as it meant she saw all 3 of my kids and they all met her and had her as a grandparent. I also agree with a PP that theres never a "perfect" time, there's only ever "now", "in the future" or "not at all", and only you and your partner know which one of those is right for you.

Thanks. This is exactly how I feel tbh. People say it’s young and it is but I envisage hopefully many years of happy family times, I just don’t want to stitch us up financially but I must be overthinking on that part as we both work full time and decent salaries and don’t intend on changing that

OP posts:
Kerri44 · 15/12/2023 07:51

If you're under 30 I'd say do what you want to do 1st.....I did and had my 1st at 38 and my 2nd last year at 43 and have no regrets living my life 1st, I think the number of things you are questioning makes it feel as though it's not yet the right time for you, I found reasons why not too when I was younger and knew that wasn't yet the time to do it

Tryingtobedifferent · 15/12/2023 07:52

It sounds like you might have some anxiety surrounding it OP. If you have been trying for a few months might you just be thinking of reasons to store in your head for if the test is negative? Like "well I wanted to save more money anyway" or "I wanted to have another mini break anyway" to soften the negative test?

It comes across that you are ready and excited to start your family, good luck with everything ❤️

ST10 · 15/12/2023 07:56

You have 9 months of pregnancy to do all of those things before the baby arrives. Once you find out you’re pregnant, everything doesn’t just stop … you’ll still be able to go away on holiday, earn more money and do plenty of date nights. Yes, once you have your baby, your life as you know it will end but you get a whole new life (which can be hard at times) but is the best life you could possibly have. If you truly want it then go for it and embrace it - there’s never really an ideal time you just have to roll with it and make it work

Belfastchild1 · 15/12/2023 08:04

The younger you are when you have a child the more of their life you’ll get to see! I had my 3 in my 20’s. Just as well I didn’t put it off as due to a medical issue when I was 31 I couldn’t have any more. Now in our 40’s, kids up, mortgage free and doing plenty of gallivanting inc taking off for long weekends in Spain when the notion takes us (the older one can look after and drive the teens to school etc) Go for it! ☺️

Tumbleweed101 · 15/12/2023 08:06

I had my first baby at 22yo and barely an adult. I managed and still did stuff and now in my 40s I'm travelling, starting a degree and considering a career change. You can do things in whichever way around you want.

One benefit to having them younger was they had active and involved grandparents. My youngest child is ten years younger than her oldest sibling. She missed knowing her Nan on her dads side as she died when she was a baby and my mums health declined to a point she wasn't able to be the same kind of grandparent to my youngest as she was to my oldest.

Dacadactyl · 15/12/2023 08:09

I think it depends on your financial situation.

I'd be prioritising savings and thinking ahead to what I wanted. We were 21 and 23 when we had our first child and had no money or jobs as we were students. By the time our child was 3.5 years we had bought out first house with over a 40% deposit and I was a SAHM til both kids went to school.

Now they're 16 and 11 and we are well set up.

Cora24601 · 15/12/2023 08:20

my Situation is quite different to those added so thought it would be a different perspective. I put off ttc for a couple of years, me and my partner got raises in the time, bought a house, got a dog and trained her well. I turned 30 and thought ok now is the time. I’m now 33 and 24 weeks pregnant. In those couple of years I lost my mum and had 2 miscarriages, I also found out that I have low ovarian reserve and may need to pay for ivf so time wasn’t on my side. I ended up having to go private for lots of tests and pay for medication which I really think helped save this pregnancy. After my miscarriages I basically decided I was going to do it all as no guarantee I would be able to have a baby. We booked a date for our wedding, booked rome and Iceland and put our names down for a rescue dog. I was 15 weeks pregnant while we were in Rome, 20 weeks in Iceland, our wedding is booked for 2 months after due date and we got our rescue dog the same month I found out I was pregnant.
now I’m not saying don’t wait, you are younger than me but I thought I could wait and everything be fine. I was naive. I wish I had knows about my situation and what could happen from waiting and that someone had told me that all of this could happen but mostly that I can do it all and a baby isn’t the end of me living my best life! X

cristokitty · 15/12/2023 08:29

Do you already own a house? I think that's the only thing I'd really need to have in place beforehand. Just because mortgage companies can be a bit tough when assessing affordability after children are in the equation.

I don't think there's a perfect time to have a baby. There will also be a little bit more to save or something else to do. You never know how long it might take when trying to conceive but whenever you have a baby, you'll make it work.

Blinkin · 15/12/2023 09:40

I think it depends a bit on whether under 30 means 29 or 22. Falling pregnant at 30 could easily mean first baby at 31, second at 33 or 34. If you want a third you're suddenly in your late 30s. I felt plenty young enough having my first (just turned 31) but now, after a second, I'm 36 with a 2 year old and that suddenly doesn't seem so young! I wouldn't have a third, partly due to age (I know many do and are very happy). The years do slip by very quickly, and there is always the chance you'll struggle to conceive.

Kwazikitten · 15/12/2023 09:40

I see where you’re coming from but unless you already know you’re highly fertile and likely to get pregnant as soon as you start trying, you need to consider that a natural conception can take a couple of years to happen.

kikisparks · 15/12/2023 09:47

Not necessarily, it took us 4 years, 2 losses and 2 IVF transfers to get pregnant with DD, did a lot of great things in those 4 years but by the end there was not one single thing I wanted to do other than have a baby. When I first started TTC I worried about what we’d miss if it happened straight away as we had plans for my 30th, wanted to go to New York and was due to be a bridesmaid. So it really depends on circumstances, it’s not unusual to want to save more or do activities incompatible with having a baby but TTCing anyway as you don’t know how long it will take.

WenttheDayWell · 15/12/2023 10:04

I had DS at 34, I didn’t start to date DH till I was 31 almost 32. I then had a MC a couple of years later. I got PG first month trying both times, had a D&C after that MC and never got PG again. That’s my anecdote and it all very unique to the individual. Some of my friends have had an easier time and some have had a very rough time. I have a friend who did have two children at 40 and 43 I also have a friend who has had multiple miscarriages and started trying aged 27 and never had a living child and is now close to 50.

If you really want children and as you have the man just go for it. Inevitably everyone is less well off and has less time regardless of their income stream if they have children.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/12/2023 10:26

I don’t know about anyone else, but once I had my first baby, I wasn’t nearly so bothered about all the ‘exciting’ things I’d once wanted to do, or had already done. TBH I was often glad of an excuse for avoiding the wilder sort of night out.
Other things became more important.

Blinkin · 15/12/2023 10:36

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/12/2023 10:26

I don’t know about anyone else, but once I had my first baby, I wasn’t nearly so bothered about all the ‘exciting’ things I’d once wanted to do, or had already done. TBH I was often glad of an excuse for avoiding the wilder sort of night out.
Other things became more important.

I have to say I agree with this. Also, now my youngest is 2.5 I feel I have a lot more freedom again. The baby stage really is very short.

Original poster
AutumnCandle · 15/12/2023 13:32

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/12/2023 10:26

I don’t know about anyone else, but once I had my first baby, I wasn’t nearly so bothered about all the ‘exciting’ things I’d once wanted to do, or had already done. TBH I was often glad of an excuse for avoiding the wilder sort of night out.
Other things became more important.

Thank you this is a refreshing take on things.

OP posts:
Fishwiife · 15/12/2023 14:58

DS is ten and for several years has loved travelling to new places with us. Involving him in the experience is really special