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Original poster

Will there always be ‘one more’ thing we want to do before having a baby?

62 replies

AutumnCandle · 14/12/2023 12:01

As title suggests.

We are TTC but every month I have a little niggle that, maybe we could do with another month’s worth of savings to make maternity leave easier. I earn 30k and my maternity package is ok but not the best - 10 weeks 90% pay, 20 weeks half pay and SMP and then SMP for 9 weeks. After 39wk it’s unpaid - so surely all the savings help. Maybe we could go on a few more date nights before pregnancy. Maybe we could book one last holiday and TTC after that.

The paradoxical part of this is that whenever I am not having these thoughts, DH and I are constantly talking about becoming parents and how excited we are to have a baby so it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t want to necessarily put off trying for too long because I think life is short and know it’s something we want. We’ve had a lot of reminders recently (ill health of my auntie) and just very aware that tomorrow isn’t promised for anyone as morbid as that sounds, so it’s important to do what you want! We also lost a pregnancy about a year ago so each day I think of that, too. Even if we delayed TTC babies would be on my mind every day.

Do we go for it? I’m not sure if the urge to do one more city break, have more saved etc would ever be satisfied even if we had visited all the cities in the world or had thousands of pounds in the bank just for that purpose of being a cushion for maternity leave.

Thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnCandle · 15/12/2023 15:08

Fishwiife · 15/12/2023 14:58

DS is ten and for several years has loved travelling to new places with us. Involving him in the experience is really special

This sounds nice. Was it harder when he was younger?

OP posts:
Notmetoo · 15/12/2023 15:12

There is never a perfect time. If you want a baby, are in a stable relationship and are over 3I would just start trying.

Original poster
AutumnCandle · 15/12/2023 15:15

Notmetoo · 15/12/2023 15:12

There is never a perfect time. If you want a baby, are in a stable relationship and are over 3I would just start trying.

We aren’t over 30 we are mid twenties x

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Families
Whataretheodds · 15/12/2023 15:20

ST10 · 15/12/2023 07:56

You have 9 months of pregnancy to do all of those things before the baby arrives. Once you find out you’re pregnant, everything doesn’t just stop … you’ll still be able to go away on holiday, earn more money and do plenty of date nights. Yes, once you have your baby, your life as you know it will end but you get a whole new life (which can be hard at times) but is the best life you could possibly have. If you truly want it then go for it and embrace it - there’s never really an ideal time you just have to roll with it and make it work

Not necessarily! I assumed I would have this but 1st 14 weeks were really hard and I had v limited energy to do anything.
Travel is somewhat limited towards the end of the 3rd trimester. I couldn't ski, water-ski, sail or windsurf aggressively. I also had to stop contact sports.
It's not the end of life but it's not the same as before.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 15/12/2023 16:38

Pavane · 14/12/2023 12:12

Your call, obviously, but, since you ask, I think I found parenthood far easier because I had spent 20 years of adult life travelling and moving around the world, and focusing on work, and friendships and relationships, and putting myself in a position where I was senior enough to work very flexibly (as did DH) to make childcare easier.

I say postpone and live enough so that you are happy to take time away from doing stuff that is more difficult or impossible with a dependent child.

Seconding this. Not quite 20 years for me, but spent well over a decade living a full, adult life and climbing the career ladder and it made parenthood so much easier. Never felt like I was missing out because I'd already done so much.

Sjh15 · 16/12/2023 07:20

There is never a ‘right’ time
im nearly 34, been ttc for 7 months, found out even with second pregnancy that I have PCOS hence why it took 7 months this time. I found out Wednesday I am now pregnant but I’ve taken 12 tests (all positive!) cos I don’t quite believe it

what I’m saying is, the second you decide ‘okay let’s try’ doesn’t result in a successful pregnancy and baby straight away. It’s taken me 7 months just to get a positive test this time round. I don’t mean rush but something to bear in mind. If it wasn’t for my biological clock I would have probably waited a few more years but I’m glad I didn’t

MammaTo · 16/12/2023 20:00

Yeah there’s never a perfect time.

Plus after I’d had the baby I spent so much time saying “why didn’t I wait another year” - as if it was going to make some big difference.

TiredMummma · 16/12/2023 23:43

Don't wait. Just crack on if you both know you want kids. Some of my friends had issues TTC so you don't know what you'll face so better sooner than later

Youcantoucan1 · 17/12/2023 11:13

No, there will never be a perfect time to have kids.
I think it does also depend on how old you are and how much travelling etc you have already managed to fit in already.

Also bear in mind that it might not be as straight-forward as you would hope. We started ttc at 30 and had to have ivf to eventually conceive at 33, which ended in a 17 week loss. Currently pregnant and almost 34 with our second ivf baby!

NoThanksymm · 18/12/2023 00:36

things to think about. I DO NOT want answers, just think on them.

How old are you? What’s your health like? If you are in decent health and under 35 don’t worry. Lots of time! Health care providers aren’t too concerned till 40 now.

how is your relationship? Will he be a good and/or hands on dad?

how is work? Can you get a better/new/different job with better pay out benefits? Can you get a raise or promotion? Under 35, wait on the babies.

DO YOU WANT TO TRAVEL?!?!? then do it! You can do it after kids, but it so different!

You can plan and be excited without trying. You can plan and get all the big goals out of the way.

there is some hesitation in you. As another months savings won’t make any significant difference. Take a look, see what’s holding you back.

whatausername · 18/12/2023 02:13

AutumnCandle · 15/12/2023 15:15

We aren’t over 30 we are mid twenties x

Show quote history

God, I wouldn't rush! Go see some of the world is my advice.

Randomusername16 · 18/12/2023 16:33

I just stopped in my tracks when this came up in my feed because it’s exactly how I feel. I’m a little older than you but in a similar position and we’re “TTC” if you can call it that in our case, I don’t know what counts as fully trying, but I’m still in half the mindset of wanting to go to places that were on my bucket list or revisit places I’ve loved or basically do all the things I want to do prior to having a child. I am slowly coming around to the idea that I would likely feel like this if we put off having a baby for another 5 years (time I almost certainly don’t have) and it would always be there in the same way I wish I could do some of the things I used to do when I was younger. Not sure if it’ll ever go away but it helps to think of all the things I do have and have done already and that what we’re feeling is likely just a case of grass is greener. From what I can gather there’s a world of experiences that come with parenthood so as some people have said, there’ll be new chapters new experiences etc. Don’t know if this helps but wanted to share anyway!

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