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Original poster

Shocked by DD4 comment

51 replies

Wreh · 13/12/2023 21:49

Hi,

NC for this

I was getting DD4 ready for school this morning, putting her shoes on when she came out with

"I don't want any people with brown skin coming to my birthday party"

DD5 will be five early next year for context

I was shocked at what she'd said. She's never said anything remotely like this before. She's never mentioned different skin colours before

I explained to her that she isn't allowed to say that and that she can't say that again

I've just spoken to DP about it for the first time and they were as shocked as I was

I'm not sure where to go with this, do we try and find out where this statement has came from?

Do we mention it to the school?

I'm not saying this is something she's heard at school but at four years old her world is very small right now other than one activity on a Saturday

Really don't know where such a direct statement has came from

TIA

OP posts:
scorpiogirly · 13/12/2023 21:51

Ask her why she said this and thinks this. When my daughter who is 5 started asking about people with different skin colour I spoke to her about it and just told her that it's okay to have different coloured skin to what she has and everyone is the same.

IwishIdidntlikesugar · 13/12/2023 21:53

Did you ask her what makes her say that?

Goodlard · 13/12/2023 21:58

Really?

saraclara · 13/12/2023 22:00

I explained to her that she isn't allowed to say that and that she can't say that again

Saying she's not allowed to say it isn't helpful. And possibly counter-productive.

That sort is statement from a child needs a calm, "why's that?" followed by an explanation that we're all the same. It's only the skin that's different..

Witchcraftandhokum · 13/12/2023 22:00

Your response was really poor. You should have started a conversation with her. Why does she think like this? Has she heard someone say it? You've probably frightened her into not talking about it again.

Kath85 · 13/12/2023 22:01

following

saraclara · 13/12/2023 22:01

You've probably frightened her into not talking about it again

Exactly. It's going to be tricky to bring it up again, now.

TwiddlingMyToes · 13/12/2023 22:01

Goodlard · 13/12/2023 21:58

Really?

I must admit, that was my first reaction too.

EasternStandard · 13/12/2023 22:01

Witchcraftandhokum · 13/12/2023 22:00

Your response was really poor. You should have started a conversation with her. Why does she think like this? Has she heard someone say it? You've probably frightened her into not talking about it again.

Agree with this

Plus she may feel shame which is not a useful emotion

Just talk to her about it

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 13/12/2023 22:02

I could have written this. We have a DS, he turned 5 in sept and has said phrases like this maybe 3 times over a few months. We've asked why he says this but are no further forward.

It doesn't help that we live rurally with no ethnicities apart from white at the tiny village school. We've been introducing as much diversity as possible, ie in what tv shows we let him watch etc and chat often about how its good to be different etc.

We did mention it to school as we were worried he might say it there and they'd think he was repeating things from home. They are planning a diversity day apparently.

hannonle · 13/12/2023 22:06

She's fallen out with a friend at school who has brown skin? That was my first thought.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 13/12/2023 22:08

But yes, shame isn't a useful emotion and might lead her to completely closing down on this. But I haven't got any solutions so sorry about that!

Gotosleepnow2023 · 13/12/2023 22:08

Gosh, I can imagine you were quite taken aback! First things first, she's either overheard this somewhere or someone with brown skin has annoyed her. I doubt she has a deep seated racist viewpoint on life at 5, so I wouldn't worry too much :-)

I have brown skin and a white friend once told me that her white son said that he only liked playing with white boys because they were like him. He must have been around reception age at the time. She asked him why and he just said he likes it. She asked for my advice and I just put it down to recognising himself in his white friends, as we live in a multi cultural area. He never really mentioned it again and he has friends of all different skin tones now at age 9.

I would gently challenge it with a funny conversation, and say something like but what if someone said that they didn't want any girls, or 5 year olds, brown hair, blue eyes, cat owners, or people with pink skin at their party? That wouldn't be very sensible or kind would it, because you'd end up with no one left! That kind of thing.

Start a conversation about differences, that it's not just others who are different, remind her that she is different too. Different to you, different to daddy, grandma, etc.

Just to get her thinking in her own mind about making her world bigger and not smaller, it doesn't even have to be about skin colour specifically.

It's probably worth telling her that she could upset someone if she says it again, so we don't say things like that about any characteristics...translated to 5 year old speak.

Hope that makes sense! Good luck!

Angelsrose · 13/12/2023 22:09

I understand the op's shock. Society is very geared towards people thinking this way, sadly, even children as they inhabit the same environment that we all do. Just one look at the news and the constant talk of boats and Rwanda could encourage this child's way of thinking. However you wouldn't want your child to upset another innocent child with her pronouncements.
I don't think the op can be blamed for her response especially as she will not want her daughter to be branded racist. The only thing to do is to educate your daughter in a non-judgemental and gentle way. Much better to do that than her announcing this at school and getting into trouble / fights.

GrowUpWoman · 13/12/2023 22:10

When DS was around this age - maybe 5-6, he was early years at school - he suddenly said one day ‘’We don’t like people with brown skin, so we?’

I was horrified, can only imagine he was repeating something he’d heard at school as he certainly hadn’t got it from home.

I think maybe they start to hear new - and not always great! - ideas at this age (4+) as their world is expanding outside of home, and then kind of ‘test them out’ at home without understanding what they mean, a bit like with swear words.

Whattodo112222 · 13/12/2023 22:10

Your response was very poor OP. My daughter is mixed and I'm brown, she often tells me she doesn't want to be white and wants to be my colour.

I always tell her we shouldn't see colour. Colour does not define people and we should take people on how they treat us and how we like to be treated. There's no harm explaining to your daughter what prejudice is, however as a person of Colour myself, your response was incredibly poor to your daughter.

MadamVastra · 13/12/2023 22:11

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Notalldogs23 · 13/12/2023 22:11

It's easy to say the wrong thing when you're shocked, but I think you can raise it with her in a casual way when you talk to her about her party again, and, tell her you were surprised at what she said, and ask her why she doesn't want brown people at it.

Could be as simple as her not getting on with a particular boy or girl, but at least you can start the conversation with her about why it's not fair to judge people on their skin colour etc.

Autumnleavesarefallingdownagain · 13/12/2023 22:12

Is it as simple as not liking the colour brown? My own (mixed race) children have gone through very anti brown phases. I was horrified when one of them (also 4) said she didn’t want to play with child X because she didn’t like her (big, Afro) hair. Obviously I explored this with my child and talked about how we’re all different, and what do you think you would feel if someone wouldn’t play with you because your eyes are brown/green/blue? Talked about how appearance doesn’t change importance stuff like whether someone is fun, or nice or good to play games with

AppelationStation · 13/12/2023 22:13

Agree, poorly handled.

"Oh dear. Why's that? Is there someone you don't want to come to your party?"

>insert 4yr old perspective<

"Ah, well it sounds like you don't want David to come to your party because he used the crayon you wanted to use. It's OK to not be best friends with someone because you don't like what they do. We can't tell if we like someone just by looking at them."

Treat it as though she's decided she doesn't want anyone called Mary, or anyone who has a blue lunch box, to come to her party because she's fallen out with them on that day. It's likely the same scenario. Then the explanation squashes judgement or prejudice without underlining it.

Autumnleavesarefallingdownagain · 13/12/2023 22:13

Ps by anti-brown I literally meant, not liking the colour. Just to clarify! Eg not wanting brown clothes/a car etc

AuntMarch · 13/12/2023 22:15

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It definitely happens.
It's just kids figuring things out and noticing differences. And that's ok. Teachable moments.

DC1888 · 13/12/2023 22:16

Agree with the others, saying don't say it again (if that's all you said) achieves nothing. You ask why she said it and then explain why it's wrong.

ExcitingRicotta · 13/12/2023 22:17

It’s not unusual for children to notice differences, of all kinds, or to show preference for their own racial group. It’s your job to teach her that differences exist and are to be celebrated. Try not to shut her down.

ElevenSeven · 13/12/2023 22:17

Kids often don’t understand things, my DC thought that the kids who went to (the in-house) after school club were ‘naughty kids’, ie they weren’t allowed to go home and had to stay around for extra school.

It’s okay to ask her why she thinks this; shutting down conversations doesn’t solve the issue, as PP have said.

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