Why do I not want a daughter?!

[Yoruz]

PLEASE do not read if struggling with infertility or if you're going to write unkind things. I'm genuinely asking for help and advice here as I feel terrible for feeling like this and I don't want to feel like this, I know it's irrational.

So I have one DS and we'd like another (had 3 miscarriages so it's looking increasingly unlikely although we remain hopeful) but I'm really struggling with the possibility of having a girl. I've felt like this since before DS, to the extent that I found out the sex at the 20 week scan just because I was incredibly worried that if it was a girl, and I didn't find out til the birth, I wouldn't be able to bond with her because I desperately wanted a boy. You'd think after three miscarriages I'd just be happy for a healthy baby but I'm still really struggling with the idea of having a daughter. I can't picture myself with a girl. DH says this is ridiculous and if we did have a girl I'd love her just the same but I just can't see it. It's not just to do with the fact I can't imagine loving a second as much as my first, because I can see myself loving another boy.

I would consider myself a feminist, I grew up with sisters, I have much loved female friends, I have a good relationship with my own mother. WHY do I feel like this? It can't just be because I'm "used" to having a boy because I felt like it before I had him, too. I know full well children have their own personalities and sex doesn't enter into it. I know that intellectually but I just can't make myself feel it. Every other woman I know is desperate for a daughter and I've even had people who didn't know about my MC ask if I didn't want to "try for a girl". I know women who have felt this way about the possibility of having a boy (as in they didn't want a boy) but none who felt this way about the possibility of having a girl.

I don't know what is wrong with me but I hate it and feel terrible about it and don't know what to do.

It could be a kind of displacement anxiety, OP, given that you’ve obviously had a rough time with so many lost pregnancies. Having a preference about the sex of your child is pretty normal (and so, I think, is the feeling that you might not be able to relate to or bond with a child of the ‘wrong’ sex), but having a preference so strong that it’s causing you to ruminate and feel anxious suggests there’s definitely an underlying issue.

When you say you’ve always felt like it, are you sure you’re not conflating the way you feel now (and TTC is often an intensely emotional time) with your past feelings, which may have been no more than a marked preference for boys? And now that you actually have a DS you can’t imagine a different parenting experience?

I was desperate for a girl - didn’t think I’d even know where to start with a boy, and felt strange and slightly detached when I found out I was expecting DS; I couldn’t quite imagine how my body had made a boy, it felt so alien. But from the very second he was born I couldn’t have loved him more, and as a grown man now he’s one of the very best people I’ve known in my life.

Try not to worry. In the end all babies are just babies - they’re their own little people and you just have to get to know them as they grow. Having a daughter is a different experience in many ways, but no less special and amazing.

You sound very self aware which is a strong foundation for being a good parent, and a little girl would be lucky to have you as her mum.

Yes, I think exploring why you have these feelings and trying to deal with them is the first step towards being a thoughtful parent and having a healthy and loving relationship with your children, whether they are girls or boys.

When my brother was born I felt very loving and maternal towards him, whereas when my sister was born I absolutely hated her. This was many years ago and actually I'm very close to my sister now and less close to my brother, but I wonder if maybe at its heart stems from that? And now I have DS I just can't imagine having a DD?

You don't know how your DS would react to having a sibling of either sex.

How old is he? What would the age gap be if this pregnancy works out?

I had a boy and then a girl in quick succession and they have such a close bond already.

It's interesting your reaction to your sister's birth versus your brother's. I wonder what was behind that? And I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I also have a crap dad and while me and my mum are very close, it's not an entirely healthy, emotionally mature relationship. I have found therapy really helpful.

I think purely because my sister was a girl and because she was closer in age to me I viewed her as competition. There's a much bigger age gap between my brother and I so I never saw him that way. 18 months between my sister and I but 5 years between me and my brother.

DS is 6 in a couple of days; the age gap will be nearly 7 years if this pregnancy sticks.

Good on you for trying to get to the bottom of it, OP. DH and I spoke about this a bit in the early stages of pregnancy. He was more drawn towards a girl and I was more drawn towards a boy. From my side I think it was like others have said a projection of not being that comfortable in my own skin/relationships. DD is now here and all of that immediately became academic. She's her own wonderful little person.

Oh this was me. Had DS first and was adamant I wanted another boy. I had an image of two brothers together. Having a girl terrified me.

I tried really hard to hide my disappointment when we found out we were having a girl and I felt like I couldn’t bond with her throughout my pregnancy. I have a good relationship with my mum but I think a lot was to do with the fear of seeing myself mirrored in her (like would she get my big nose and be teased for it), would she hit puberty early and be gawped at by old men. Having a girl was frightening for me because it forced me to relive some of the more uncomfortable moments of my childhood.

She’s here now and 8 months old and is just such an absolute smashing baby. I love her just as deeply as my son and when I was pregnant I wasn’t sure that would happen. Don’t be afraid of having a girl OP. They are equally as fantastic as boys and you will love a little girl just as much.

I didn’t want a girl because I didn’t want a child who had to deal with the patriarchy and misogyny. Anyway I got a girl and she’s absolutely fine.

I think going to a single sex all girls school helped with confidence.

I get it. I really wanted daughter. I don’t know why, I have just always pictured having a girl.
At the time I remember I thought I’d be better at being the mother to a daughter than a son but now I can’t really explain that.