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Original poster

Why do I not want a daughter?!

61 replies

Yoruz · 13/12/2023 18:53

PLEASE do not read if struggling with infertility or if you're going to write unkind things. I'm genuinely asking for help and advice here as I feel terrible for feeling like this and I don't want to feel like this, I know it's irrational.

So I have one DS and we'd like another (had 3 miscarriages so it's looking increasingly unlikely although we remain hopeful) but I'm really struggling with the possibility of having a girl. I've felt like this since before DS, to the extent that I found out the sex at the 20 week scan just because I was incredibly worried that if it was a girl, and I didn't find out til the birth, I wouldn't be able to bond with her because I desperately wanted a boy. You'd think after three miscarriages I'd just be happy for a healthy baby but I'm still really struggling with the idea of having a daughter. I can't picture myself with a girl. DH says this is ridiculous and if we did have a girl I'd love her just the same but I just can't see it. It's not just to do with the fact I can't imagine loving a second as much as my first, because I can see myself loving another boy.

I would consider myself a feminist, I grew up with sisters, I have much loved female friends, I have a good relationship with my own mother. WHY do I feel like this? It can't just be because I'm "used" to having a boy because I felt like it before I had him, too. I know full well children have their own personalities and sex doesn't enter into it. I know that intellectually but I just can't make myself feel it. Every other woman I know is desperate for a daughter and I've even had people who didn't know about my MC ask if I didn't want to "try for a girl". I know women who have felt this way about the possibility of having a boy (as in they didn't want a boy) but none who felt this way about the possibility of having a girl.

I don't know what is wrong with me but I hate it and feel terrible about it and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Eekmystro · 13/12/2023 18:57

Sorry op I have no expertise in this area.
Just wanted to say I’m sorry you are having such a strong difficult feeling and I think it’s really brave to spend time thinking about WHY you feel this way.

I wonder if you get pregnant if this is something the midwife can offer advice about. Gender disappointment seems to be more common now.

I have one of each and they are so different in so many ways. Even without the difference in their sex each child is an individual.

mynameiscalypso · 13/12/2023 18:57

I don't think you're a terrible person. I also have a DS and was so incredibly relieved when he turned out to be a boy at the 20 week scan. I have a niece who I love to pieces but I just wouldn't want to have a daughter (we're stopping at one so no chance of that). For me, I think it's a legacy of a complicated relationship with my mother.

fingerscrossed4this · 13/12/2023 19:03

I could have written this post a few years back with the difference being I really didn't want a boy. I had two second trimester losses after my daughter and still didn't want to have a boy. After those horrible experiences I couldn't get my head around why I still felt that way. But guess what, I ended up with a boy after the two losses and he is the best thing to have ever happened to me. When you have your child, it won't matter if they are a boy or a girl. You'll love them no matter what. I say this from experience. x

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Hellohello888 · 13/12/2023 19:05

My sister felt this way. She had a girl. Loves her absolutely blissfully just like the people who didn’t want a boy and had a boy.

I think “gender preference” is normal, but taboo.

Because I had a hard time relating to men, I wanted a girl. I got a boy. Guess what? I don’t care anymore! I don’t see him as a “boy”, just a person who I love so very much.

Do you have a therapist? I do, and she helped me work out why I wanted a girl so much (I didn’t get on with my mother and wanted a positive mother-daughter relationship), and helped me get over the fact that I won’t have one. Perhaps you could explore your strong gender preference in therapy.

Do you like yourself? Could it stem from that? Perhaps you see a “girl” as someone more like you?

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 13/12/2023 19:14

There's nothing wrong with you. You can't help how you feel. What you are experiencing is actually quite normal and common.

Thing is if you do end up pregnant with a boy you will get over it and you will love him.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 13/12/2023 19:19

Do you worry about gender expectations on girls and women?

Restinggoddess · 13/12/2023 19:21

Have you got some subconscious ideas that a girl is not as ‘good’ as a boy?
Do you think it will be harder to raise a girl?
Are you more concerned for a girl growing up in this world?

Like PP I have no expertise
And I agree with other PP that once a child is born the gender is not ‘relevant’

I do think you should talk to a health care professional- if only to ensure that subsequent pregnancies are not filled with anxiety

I was always told for a boy - have lots if sex near ovulation ( they swim faster)
For a girl have lots of sex but not too close to ovulation- the sperm lives longer
It worked for us - one of each

Please get some help - and be kind to yourself

DaughterNo2 · 13/12/2023 19:21

i expected to have 3 boys. They are amazing but my daughter offers something the boys don’t 🤷‍♀️ Love them all the same

Branleuse · 13/12/2023 19:24

Are you already pregnant?

FairfaxAikmann · 13/12/2023 19:31

I felt the same way as you.

Was adamant DS was a big when we were told he was a girl at 20 weeks and was relieved he was.
Did not want a girl. To point of not telling anyone sex of DC2 after the scan because I was disappointed.
It all melted away as soon as I saw her.

In all honesty I've probably bonded more easily with her than my son (birth trauma and being ftm).
Logistically a boy probably would be easier for room sharing for longer but I'm not upset she's a girl (though the insistence of family on going all out pink and bows is pissing me off a bit)

whojamaflip · 13/12/2023 19:56

This was me 18 years ago. I'd always said I only wanted boys and was over the moon when my first was a boy.

Took a long time to try for no 2 as I did not want to risk having a girl. Had a couple of miscarriages whenwe did try again then fell pregnant and held. Didn't tell Dh when my 20 week scan was so I could go alone and find out the sex (he didn't want to know).

Found out I was having a girl and I held it together until I got back to the car. Bawled my eyes out all the way back to work and had to pull over several times as I couldn't see for the tears.

I'm glad I found out as it gave me time to get used to the idea before she actually arrived.
She was absolutely perfect and I fell in love as soon as I held her.

I've now got 2 boys and 2 girls and I wouldn't change any of them for the world.

I'm not sure how I feel about how I reacted but it was a visceral hard no to having a girl - like a pp said I believe it was as a result of a difficult relationship growing up with my mother who forced me to wear party dresses and act like a polite princess at all times when all I wanted to do was climb trees and get dirty!

I was terrified I would end up with a daughter who wanted the sparkly dresses and fairy wings which I rebelled against so badly. (One does and one doesn't Grin)

It's such a taboo subject as we are expected to be grateful to have a healthy baby regardless of which flavour it is and as such we can't be honest with ourselves as to our feelings never mind anyone else.

<<hugs>>

TreacleMines · 13/12/2023 20:05

I felt the same @Yoruz . I love women- I’m married to one! I love my mum and my sisters and my female friends. I was brought up by wonderful fierce women I admired. I am a raging feminist- but I wanted (and got) a boy. I wouldn’t try again in case I got a girl.

Ive also only ever wanted male pets… even every one of my teddies as a child was a boy! It’s odd, but there it is.

Vexxa · 13/12/2023 20:08

I don't think there's anything wrong as such, but I do think there is some deep seated reason why you're feeling this way which you might want to explore.

We lost our first child, a boy, shortly after birth, and went on to have two daughters. My eldest daughter I was delighted was a girl as I wanted everything to be different. My second daughter, I initially struggled after the 20 week scan because I had this conviction that I was meant to be a mother to a son and had imagined us with one of each sex. That feeling passed pretty quickly and by the time she was born I couldn't imagine having any other baby. She is perfect.

Your feelings now are normal, but you will also love any baby you are lucky enough to have.

NoCloudsAllowed · 13/12/2023 20:13

Terrible, no. Daft, yes.

It's a new person with a unique personality. You are being a big silly banana. I have a girl and a boy. It's fine.

Unicornsunited123 · 13/12/2023 20:15

I really wanted a boy I have two girls I believe it's because I have such a terrible relationship with my mum very up and down I just didn't want that! I realise now I'm not like my mum emotionally so it won't be same.

Sceptre86 · 13/12/2023 20:46

I'd explore the reasons why. Often it's because of a poor relationship with their own mother or a misguided belief that girls are harder to raise or worry or concern that life is harder for girls so want to avoid having a dd so she isnt subjected to that or even a deep rooted belief that girls just aren't as good as boys.

I can understand wanting a son if you have a dd and vice versa but I don't get and never have understood only wanting boys or girls and I would judge someone who said it openly.

In your case be kinder to yourself, if your dh thinks you are being daft and he knows you better than randomers on the Internet then you probably are.

BANANABANANABANANABANANA · 13/12/2023 20:50

I didn't want a girl, I think because I have a "complicated relationship with myself" as mentioned by pp. I got a girl - she is the light of my life 💗

Original poster
Yoruz · 14/12/2023 12:17

Thank you for all the replies and for all being so kind and non judgemental.

I don't think it's the relationship with my mother, as my mum and I have a really good, close relationship. I certainly think it could be because I have a complicated relationship with myself, maybe it's projection, I don't know.

I tend to ruminate on everything so it's partly that. Every time I've miscarried, although it has broken my heart, a tiny tiny part of me has been relieved because I don't even know if I can cope with a second child full stop.

OP posts:
romdowa · 14/12/2023 12:21

I feel the same. Ttc at the moment, already have a ds and would like another. The thought of a dd fills me with dread but I have a terrible terrible relationship with my mother , as she did and I suppose I'm afraid of history repeating itself. I'm sure though if I had a daughter I'd love her like my son.

MyOldMansADustman0 · 14/12/2023 12:27

I definitely don't think there is anything wrong with how you're feeling. The heart wants what it wants. I think you need to find a way to reframe your thinking more than anything if you can.
We all have times where we have a preference of a particular sex of child. I knew I absolutely wanted a girl when I was pregnant.
All I will say is, once you hold your baby in your arms, boy or girl, you are more than likely to feel very differently. Don't be so hard on yourself for feeling how you do currently though.

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 14/12/2023 12:28

If you have the money, you can go through IVF and choose the gender (I don't know about regulations on the the UK, though).

In any case, the way you feel about having a girl is not something irreversible. You mentioned having a difficult relationship with yourself. Perhaps, being a feminist, you're sensitive to the fact that the world is more friendly to men.

It could be loads of things. But these are things you can investigate in therapy, and make peace with them. You probably have almost a year before you gave a kid, so there's time to work on these issues.

And you will probably fall in love with your girl if you ever have one. Because before being "a girl", she will be "that specific person".

Original poster
Yoruz · 14/12/2023 12:30

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 14/12/2023 12:28

If you have the money, you can go through IVF and choose the gender (I don't know about regulations on the the UK, though).

In any case, the way you feel about having a girl is not something irreversible. You mentioned having a difficult relationship with yourself. Perhaps, being a feminist, you're sensitive to the fact that the world is more friendly to men.

It could be loads of things. But these are things you can investigate in therapy, and make peace with them. You probably have almost a year before you gave a kid, so there's time to work on these issues.

And you will probably fall in love with your girl if you ever have one. Because before being "a girl", she will be "that specific person".

To men, for sure, but I certainly don't feel the world is kinder to young boys - my DS is a very gentle, sensitive boy and gets absolutely trampled over at school and beyond, most of the girls his age we know are a lot more able to stand up for themselves and generally much more feisty (which is good!). In general, I would say the boys are more sensitive than the girls. That obviously gets stamped out of them as they get older.

OP posts:
eatdrinkandbemerry · 14/12/2023 12:35

I've got two daughters and a son.
My son is severely autistic and one of my daughters has high functioning autism.
I love them all dearly but I always imagined I'd be a boy mum (I'm a Tom boy) watching my son play football on a weekend and I feel cheated.

Curlywurlycaz2 · 14/12/2023 12:36

If you have a complicated relationship with yourself then you probably have a complicated relationship with one of your parents TBH.

I didn't want a girl because of my own shite relationship with my own mother. Instead I was blessed with an autistic son who is a clone of my mother. 😆And I have since realised that I also married an emotional unavailable man who was also just like my fucking mother.

Sususudio · 14/12/2023 12:39

It's usually the other way around on here, isn't it? I think the poster who said you are being a big silly banana is accurate:)

Girls are great. So are boys. Perhaps this is about having a second child. You don't have to. Or maybe you need to put a better support system in place.