Why do I not want a daughter?!

[Yoruz]

PLEASE do not read if struggling with infertility or if you're going to write unkind things. I'm genuinely asking for help and advice here as I feel terrible for feeling like this and I don't want to feel like this, I know it's irrational.

So I have one DS and we'd like another (had 3 miscarriages so it's looking increasingly unlikely although we remain hopeful) but I'm really struggling with the possibility of having a girl. I've felt like this since before DS, to the extent that I found out the sex at the 20 week scan just because I was incredibly worried that if it was a girl, and I didn't find out til the birth, I wouldn't be able to bond with her because I desperately wanted a boy. You'd think after three miscarriages I'd just be happy for a healthy baby but I'm still really struggling with the idea of having a daughter. I can't picture myself with a girl. DH says this is ridiculous and if we did have a girl I'd love her just the same but I just can't see it. It's not just to do with the fact I can't imagine loving a second as much as my first, because I can see myself loving another boy.

I would consider myself a feminist, I grew up with sisters, I have much loved female friends, I have a good relationship with my own mother. WHY do I feel like this? It can't just be because I'm "used" to having a boy because I felt like it before I had him, too. I know full well children have their own personalities and sex doesn't enter into it. I know that intellectually but I just can't make myself feel it. Every other woman I know is desperate for a daughter and I've even had people who didn't know about my MC ask if I didn't want to "try for a girl". I know women who have felt this way about the possibility of having a boy (as in they didn't want a boy) but none who felt this way about the possibility of having a girl.

I don't know what is wrong with me but I hate it and feel terrible about it and don't know what to do.

There's nothing wrong with you op, and no judgement here.

I wonder if you have some subconscious negative thoughts about 'girls'. Could it be the pressures of society on females? Could it be linked to females you have known through your life, maybe you don't like some of their values/morals, maybe you think it'll be harder to raise a girl and the complications of hormones etc?

Maybe a therapist or councellor could help you work through some thoughts and do some digging to find out why.

I've got a DS and was honestly petrified at my scan in case the doctor told me he was a girl, I think it's linked to not having a great relationship with my own mother, and also because I had poor mental health in my teens and as a result went completely off the rails. A lot of complicated feelings and dislike of myself for many years has made me scared in case I projected any of that onto a daughter. It's sort of partly why I'm stopping at just one!

Do you think it’s because of how you feel about yourself or relationship with your own mother?

The way your feeling is completely normal op, people are just too afraid to talk about it in the real world out of fear of judgement.
I felt exactly the same when I was pregnant 4 years ago, we found out at 16 weeks we were having a girl and I felt devastated. I felt disconnected from the pregnancy and like I'd never bond with her. The feeling gradually faded and she's now honestly the light of my life and little best friend. I also now have an 8 month old DD and during my pregnancy with her I felt the opposite and was really really hoping it would be a girl, I've no idea why. Your feelings will fade once your little one arrives, don't be so hard on yourself!

I don't know why you feel the way you do, because it is deeply personal.

If you don't have a complicated relationship with your mother or other women in your life, it probably does stem from something in your own experience of being a woman.

Do you dislike being a woman? Do you think being a woman is more difficult or less pleasant than being a man? Have you had experiences as a woman that you wouldn't want your own child to have to go through?

Perhaps these things are what makes you feel this way.

I wanted a daughter and yet I find the prospect of raising mine to adulthood and beyond very daunting.

But having one of each who are both very little at the moment, there is no difference yet. They have their own very distinct personalities already, which I don't think are particularly shaped by being a girl or a boy. My son is mad about any kind of vehicles, but I think this is because all his friends are. My daughter wants to play with the cars and trucks too because she can see that those are her brother's favourite things. When we go to my friend's house my son likes to play with the doll's pushchair and the Sylvanian families tree house.

Our children are the next generation and as a society we need that next generation to have a roughly equal number of men and women in it, and for them to be good, kind, hardworking, sensible, creative, compassionate people. I might feel scared about raising a girl in a man's world but I also recognise that we need girls and women.

So I think the best approach is to open your heart and mind to having either a girl or a boy, accept that you don't get to choose, and then focus on loving whatever child you end up having as hard as possible and raising them to be the best human they are capable of being, whether they are a boy or a girl.

I think it's partly because in the relationships I've witnessed (NOT with my own mother but with other women I know and their mothers), the relationship on both sides has been much less affectionate. My DS, and most other young boys I know, is very cuddly and affectionate with me whereas the young girls I know are not like that with their mums, they're much more aloof and less clingy IYSWIM. So I wonder if it is something to do with this.

Obviously when he's a teenager I expect DS will want nothing to do with me, so I know it's daft!!!

I personally wouldn't try for another baby. You were very lucky to get your boy.

My impression is you might have strong gender biased images somewhere in your mind. Can you choose the gender of your future child? If yes, then follow your preference. If not, I think it's waste of time to think too much of something you cannot control I'm afraid.

Interesting.

Do you think this is down to girls being inherently different in how they view their mothers?

Or could it be down to how many mothers treat their sons as opposed to their daughters? I think we can all think of families where mothers seem to have different expectations of their sons and their daughters, for example.

I don't know. Weirdly in my own family this isn't the case at all, there are two girls and a boy, and I think of the three of us my brother is the least affectionate to my mum. I certainly would hope I would never treat a boy differently to a girl, my mum certainly didn't - my brother was expected to do the same things that we were expected to do.

I'm sure I must have, yes. But it's bizarre because I would consider myself very much a "woman's woman", if you like. The only male I have a close relationship to (other than DS), is DH. I have a brother but I'm not very close to him on an emotional level, I come from a family where it's almost exclusively women and all my friends are women. I wouldn't say I'm even that comfortable around men.

When I was younger I thought I'd prefer a boy because I was worried I would project all my angst and insecurity onto a girl (including body hangups/eating disorder) and didn't think I'd do the same with a boy.
It's interesting that you have felt more like this with each miscarriage. Have you been able to talk to someone to work through your grief for your miscarriages?

In all honesty I don't think I have really dealt with my miscarriages, each time I have just gone all stiff upper lip and "what will be will be" and shrugged it off.

I am currently 5 weeks pregnant but don't feel that I am, because I know every time it ends in a loss for me.

It sounds as though you would benefit from exploring some of your feelings about the miscarriages, even if it does nothing to change your preference for a boy.
I completely get not feeling real: I didn't feel real until 20 weeks, and even now (33w) not convinced everything is going to be OK. It's self-preservation.

Have you tried talking to Tommy's?

I think it’s also about what you pictured when growing up etc. I always thought I’d have a boy than a girl. Currently pregnant with our first and she’s a girl!!! It threw me so much as I’d had in my mind boy first then girl - obviously this is based on nothing but what I pictured my life being like.

Im not upset that she’s a girl, but it definitely took some getting used to because I was so convinced she would be a boy.

I think once you have baby #2 in your arms all your feelings about whether it’s a boy or girl will go away.

When I was growing up I always thought I'd have about 6 kids so I definitely don't think it's that 😅.

I had a strong aversion to girls and was convinced - utterly convinced - my first DC was a boy. Because I was so worried I didn't find out the sex until birth. She is a girl. I wasn't at all disappointed, just felt complete and utter unconditional love for her.

I think my feelings were strongly rooted in my concerns that progress seems to be unravelling for women at present, and I do worry about the treatment DD will receive when she gets to her teens and into adulthood.

@Yoruz I have a male friend and he has a {now adult} daughter- yesterday she phoned him while he was here- and she was just so utterly lovely to her dad.
I said 'you are so lucky to have a daughter like {her name}.

She is a wonderful young woman, never been a moment's trouble growing up -Sensible, intelligent, thoughtful, doing well in her chosen job.

It depends on the individual.
Character is everything. ..An 'easy' child is so rewarding, no matter what their sex.

Yes but this was to her Dad - this is my point, I seem to know loads of women who are close to their fathers but not their mothers. Even with my niece who is 6, she is cuddly and affectionate with her Dad but not with her Mum, and she has a lovely mum (and no other siblings). I know I was affectionate with my own mum, but this doesn't seem to be the norm.

I had some of this with mine. Didn't want a girl, then didn't want a boy, then didn't want another girl...

Loved them all when they got here, though.

They're all grown up now and long-term it's not really relevant all this way down the line. I do have better relationships with the girls now.

Maybe you need to give TTC to a break for now, if you're not even sure it's what you want. Not forever but just until you're sure. Larger gaps get commented on but in reality lots of kids are absolutely fine with them. Or as only kids. Family is what you make it.

I'm 5 weeks pregnant.

But will probably miscarry as I always do.

Coming from a place of curiosity and NOT judgement I promise - My feeling is that strong gender preference has to come from some kind of internalised prejudice (in this case misogyny) and/or trauma. While I think gender preference is more common than we care to admit, I don't think it's logical or "natural". It doesn't make evolutionary sense. So then we're in realms of nurture/external factors rather than inate/intrinsic. It would definitely be worth exploring eth a therapist. I am also interested in your description of your relationship with your mother being very close but no mention of your father. And your complicated relationship with yourself. Do you feel inherently worthy, loveable etc.

A very brave and interesting exploration to open up OP. Take care of yourself now you're here

I am sorry, I didn't realise you were already pregnant. Perhaps I misread. I think perhaps you should get some therapy.

My DD was very cuddly with me until her teens, when she went AWOL. But they all do. Now she is close with me again.

Crossing everything for you, OP.

I had recurrent losses but eventually one stuck. And then another one after that.

I have no relationship with my Dad really, he's not a nice person.